travelin through

Sick as a Dog by Aerosmith

2011-06-16T19:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been AWOL for a wee while, it's been a tough couple of weeks.
For those of you who don't know my Mom died suddenly on June 8th last year which meant a trip back to Scotland for me. I was there for 10 days and it was surreal.
I may or may not fill you all in on the pantomime antics of my immediate family...suffice to say they turned it into a CIRCUS and I refused to be the Clown.
Moving onwards and upwards.
WTF is with the Medical profession in this country?
I never go to the Doctor unless I'm sick.
That's the way it is back in the Auld Country.
A few weeks ago I decided to make an appointment.
I had a lump! On the inside of my left wrist.
I Goggled "LUMP ON WRIST"
Bless wee Googles heart, it said I had a Ganglion Cyst.
Nothing to worry about but not very attractive.
The Doctor confirms Googles diagnosis and informs me that a wee shot of local anesthetic followed by a huge ass syringe into the offending lump, to drain it, will solve the Camel Hump on the wrist.
I manned up and it was done.
Then
Doctor - Is there anything else Mrs B
Me - Well I have a funky toe
He looks at it and tells me I have two options, have the toenail removed or take Lamasil.
I LIKE my toenails! Even the funky one!
No frigggin way he was pullin out one of those puppies!
Ok we're on the same page but now I have to go and have blood test on my Liver function.
Is the man daft? It's frazzled! lol
Lamasil apparently can cause Liver failure closely followed by death ( OBVI!).
Cute toenail or death ?
No contest, Lamisil for me!
So now we've dealt with the Hump and the Funk and I'm happy as a Sandboy.
All good so far huh? Apart from the imposing death of course, which SB will have to deal with, because I'm outta here, cute Toenail INTACT.
Up until this point the Dr has been charming.
BUT now he has me in his clutches and feeling grateful for draining my Hump and informing me of my impending death with a pretty toe.
Dr - Mrs B you do realize that you are due a...
Suffice to say I now have the Hospital receptionist on my Christmas card list.
More to follow...

RAT by Voodoo Kids

2011-06-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

Last week, Banjo the "dug" was sniffin and snarfin around the BBQ.
He's never done that before.
My first though was "shit there's something in there!"
I called him in, closed the doors and went to pick up the girls from School.
When we got home I told the girls about Banjos strange behavior.
TCI - Open the grill Mommy!
ME- Aye RIGHT!
TCI -Oh GO ON!
ME - Nope what if there is a mouse or something in there?
THE GIRLS - aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh
ME- EXACTLY! Wait till SB gets home! ( I actually referred to him as "Daddy" don't want the girls traumatized...)
TCI- Oh MOM! I'll open it
ME- Have at it kiddo!
TCI after a dozen tentative tries and upon my suggestion, got the broom, wedged it under the grill handle and opened the grill. (BRAVE KID)
Nada, zilch, NOTHING!
All three of us burst into hysterical giggles!
Being scared shitless will do that to ya.
Banjo the DAFT DUG!
Yesterday morning.
I'm in the back yard and the "daft dug" is at it AGAIN!
Sniffin and snarfin and jumping and SALIVATING at the BBQ!
So now I'm all balls!
ME( as I march over to the BBQ reaching to open the lid)- Banjo! We've been through this already there's nothing in (opens lid)
SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two feckin RATS! Noses a twitchin, tails a waggin, feckin GRINNING at me!
I slammed down the lid and the wee feckers scooted down the inside of the grill ran across the yard over the fence into the neighbors yard with Banjo in hot pursuit.
He didn't get them but has maintained a silent vigil of the BBQ and the fence for the last 24 hrs.
Good boy Banj! You rat hunter you!
Where was Fiddle ( dog No2) during all this Drama?
HIDING in the family room!
Wee shite

The Ordinary Boys - Life Will Be The Death Of Me

2011-05-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

So Memorial Day.
My Uncle Bert was killed at the battle of Monte Casino. He was 18 years old. He was a farm hand and as such was NOT called to serve. However, his younger brother David who was 16, lied about his age and joined the Black Watch. Bert, seeing his wee brother coming home from Basic Training and all ready to be posted went ahead and signed up. He died and Uncle Dave came home, married and had a family of three. Aye, the Lord works in mysterious ways indeed. My Granny really never got over losing her first born son.
I never knew him BUT my boy Scoot is his absolute double.
Thank you Uncle Bert for your bravery.

Never Too Much - Luther Vandross

2011-05-29T18:49:00.000-07:00

Today was GREAT! Hung with my girls, worked my horses and SB cooked enough BBQ to feed 100 people for 100 days ( anyone in need of food packages please contact 1800-SB-FEEDSAMERICA)
WTF goes through that boys head when he's shopping/preparing food???
We are a family of FIVE.
I eat like a sparrrow.
The two girls eat like two WEE sparrows.
SCOOT " I HATE hotdogs" " ONLY the bun please"
Hence a plethora of BBQ MENTALNESS!
I dinnae have enough Ziplocks tae cope!
If you or someone you know is in need PLEASE call the number above, FEDEX will get it to ya !!

I Can't Stand The Rain- Ann Peebles

2011-05-25T19:02:00.000-07:00

Back to School night last night for WT.
I am delighted to announce, that I got 100% on my 6th Grade China project!
I have to admit, I had a wee advantage over most parents as I had a trial run with TCI a few years ago, so I was prepared this time and knew the standards required to ACE IT!
Neither of my "Mission" buildings ( 4th Grade ) were anything to write home about but when it comes to China I seem to have a real forte. Who knew?
Moving right along.
I've been studying the Water Cycle this week and it's so feckin DEPRESSING!
Think about it.
There you are, one wee droplet of water, hanging out with your droplettes.
Huddling together trying keep cosy overnight in a muddy puddle!
Now! the puddle is obviously of your making because that's your "caste" (No Pacific or Mediterranean for YOU wee droplet!)but why oh why does Miss MUD always feel free to gate crash the party? huh? Because she is a LOSER! Muddy no Mates!
But I digress.
Having rippled the night away (a mild Spring Zephyr decided to join in the shinanigans) the sun begins to rise in the East. Well it would do, that's where it starts work every day.
The heat! the light! You start to rise up towards it! Your evaporating! It's the RAPTURE! wheeeeeeeeeee here I go!
Up up up you go wee droplet...
Then BAM your CONDENSED!
A bluddy CLOUD!
Cumulus,Stratus, Nimbus, disnae matter a feck, you're stuck, you're a CLOUD!
I reckon how high you fly depends somewhat on Miss Muds infiltration of the "gig" the night before.
BUT you are not alone! More and more wee droplettes are having their dreams shattered too!
It's a gathering of wet idealism.
OH NO, now there are so many of you, PRECIPITATION is rearing it's ugly head and before you know it your RAIN!
Hitting the earth...plop, plop, plop
Back in the puddle for YOU my fine droplet!
And the poor wee feckers have to do it again and again and again.
Now THAT'S Tribulation right there!
Consider the droplet and give the muddy puddle a wee bit reverence the next time you splash through it.
Or not, water is abiotic after all...

Answer The Phone - Sugar Ray

2011-05-24T19:35:00.000-07:00

I know it's May but I'm catching up in here sooooo

I got a Kindle for Christmas!
Santa also thought he'd have a good feckin laugh at my expense. The wa*%ker placed a Blueberry? Raspberry? you know, Mr Bells great invention thingymabob under the tree, just for me. Is Santa a complete feckin Eejit or as I suspect, just taking the proverbial ?
Worst Christmas of my life. I was totally overwhelmed by Technology.
The Child Iseult also got one of the Demon, Spawn, Hells-"Bells" machine.
She and SB were yabbering away in Technotalk and I was just staring at the Area51 confiscated scary fecker like a deer in the headlights.
Then they started on me.
Wow Mommy look at this App!
Wow Fi look you can pick up your Emails,connect to FB, have GPS etc,etc.
The pair o' them were on a roll.
ME (in a wee pathetic close to tears voice) Ehmm I've got a question?
THEM (all four eyes on me, eyebrows raised)
Me - How do I call people? and if I get a call how do I pick up?
AND THE CROWD WENT WILD!! Thought it was the funniest thing EVER!
Now just in-case you have never been dragged through Elderberry Hell it comes complete with a wee soft cleaning cloth. It was this wee innocuous item that saved my sanity.
I can clean! I'm a proficient cleaner!If there was an Olympic Cleaning Event I'd bring home GOLD for Scotland.
I do clean equally well here in the US but as I'm not yet a citizen, would not be allowed on Team USA... their loss!
I started cleaning the wee screen, with the wee cloth.
SB - What are ye doin?
Me - cleaning?
SB - Why?
Me - Because the wee feckin CLOTH is the only thing I know how to feckin USE!!!

and a HOHOHO Merry Christmas was had by few.
I'll get the Fat Guy back next year...

Saving the "unopened for a week" Kindle for another post!

P.S. Who in their right mind decides to call a phone a feckin BLACKBERRY anyway????

What Kind of Fool Am I - Sammy Davis

2011-05-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

I had a couple of interactions today that I thought were rather amusing...

WT - Mom I need a mute for my Violin
Me - A what?
WT - A MUTE!
Me - Oh, ok where will I get one?
WT _ Any of the Music stores, I need it for that long piece we're playing at the Recital on Wednesday night.
Me - That doesn't give me much time to get one, can't you just stop playing?
WT - What? What do you mean "stop playing"?
Me - Well when it's time to use the mute thingy can you not just stop playing?
WT - MOMMY! It changes the TONE it's NOT like the mute button on the TV remote!!
Me - OH!

Going "Mute" shopping tomorrow...DUH!

Earlier at the Ranch chatting with the girlfriends about a Wedding SB and I are attending this coming Friday -

Cowgirl1 - So you all set for the Wedding on Friday?
Me - Yes I am!
Cowgirl1 - What are you wearing?
Me - Sue Wong in champagne and coral
Cowgirl1 - Sue who?
Me - Wong! You need to know your designer Dahling incase your interviewed on the red carpet and they ask who your wearing! *snigger*
Cowgirl2 (obviosly NOT paying attention)- So your dress is by Vera Wang... at Khols?
Me - NO it's by Sue Wong!
Cowgirl2 - Who the fuck is Sue Wong?
Cowgirl1 - Vera Wangs cousin?
Me - aye Sue works fer The Walmart! *sighs*

Pick Yourself Up - Jerome Kern

2011-05-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

Bluddy Hell I'm back!
I've missed you all and I take full responsibility for going AWOL.
My best blogeroonies have by "chance" or choice stalked my sorry ass down on Face Book aka I have no life ( at least for me thats what it represents)
WAIT! Maybe I stalked them in a moment of lucidity free from the horrors of FB APPS!!

My blog buddies seem not to have succumbed to the EVIL that is Farmville, Mafia Wars, Frontierville etc etc.
I can now stand up in this crowded blog (hey a girl can dream! ) and say in a somewhat quivering voice ( still recovering for fuck sake! ) "My name is Fiona and I play FB games"
That was NOT easy you know?
It's a full time friggin job! Milk a cow here, plant some crops there, whack a few mobsters on the way and lets not forget the Zuma Blitz Frog! dinnae even ask...
Anyway I've picked myself up, dusted myself off and am starting all over again.
It feels good to be blogging again.

Baby Come Back by Player

2010-04-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

SB is in Asia this week, best place for him.
Downside, I have to cook.
I can cook but choose not to, most of the time.
He on the other hand, well just lets say its like living with Julia feckin Child meets Gordon fuckin Ramsay.
He is a very good cook but oh the trail of devastation he leaves in his wake.
He's a Kitchen ABUSER.
No counter top is safe, the stove is a weak defenseless critter and the copper sink has never had the chance to evolve and Patina, such is his domination over it.
Poor wee sink.
He drips!
Yes he does!
It's nasty...
He abuses the sink and then drips EVERYWHERE!
The floor and cabinets take most of his drippyness - that's not a word, spell check is yelling at me with her rather sexy red dots, do I care? not one JOT!
Whilst I normally partake of delicacies beyond avarice, tonight I'm having frozen Mac and Cheese (microwave) BUT my Kitchen is GLEAMING!
I am surrounded by contented counters, a smiling stove, convivial cabinets, fanciful floors and a SPARKLING sink.
I'm feckin STARVING though!
Hurry back SB, the Kitchen NEEDS YOU!

Memories by Barbra Sriesand

2010-04-12T15:35:00.000-07:00

Memory is a fickle companion.
Recently the most random recollections have popped to the forefront of the old gray matter.
Things I'd forgotten
I don't like it.
Memory stalker!
Today for example, I was talking to the kids about being sent out out play (all day) when I was only three years old. It was the norm way back then, loads of wee bairns running around the streets.
Woooosh up pops a memory , so vivid I think it must have had a full color done at the brain salon.
I'm three, maybe four but I don't think so...
I was to give a horse shoe to a neighbor who was getting married that day.
A uniquely Scottish custom?
Wee bairns give rather pretty silver plastic horseshoes to new brides as they exit the Church, for luck. It's quite the honour.
Mum was out and Dad sent me out to play at the swing park across the road.
Crossing roads wasn't really a problem, I think there were only about 5 cars total in a five mile radius.
At the park I remember there was an older girl. I asked her if she would lift me up into the "baby" swing. They were made of wood back in the day with a metal crossbar to hold you in.
She picked me up, plopped my ass in and feckin LEFT!
God only knows how long I hung there!
I was trapped!
The swing was designed to KEEP ME IN.
Not a bugger in sight to help me.
I needed to poop.
And I did.
I was definitely potty trained and you can hold a poop in for quite some time which leads me to believe I was hanging there for a few hours.
So now I'm trapped in POOP!
My Dad eventually decided to come looking for me.
My Knight in shining armor, NOT!
He was furious with wee Miss Poopy pants.
Again I don't know if this behavior is only Scottish but ALL parents (in the home and in public) not only spanked their kids but turned it into an art form with rhythmic yelling.
WHAT - spank - THE - spank - HELL - spank - DID - spank - YOU - spank - DO - spank -THAT - spank - FOR- spank ( rep chorus all the way home)
It was with a sparkly clean ass and red throbbing legs I handed the Bride her horseshoe to wish her luck...should have kept the fecker for myself, I was the more needy.
Aye...

Moving On Up by M People

2010-04-10T14:56:00.000-07:00

Where was I?
Oh yes, boobs.
I had my first Victorias Secret experience a few weeks ago and what an experience it was!
Move over Wallyworld we're done.
It was fine while it lasted but you never enhanced me to my full potential.
BAD Walmart.

I only went to Victorias Secret to have the girls fitted ( daughters! ) and in a moment of abject misery, surrounded by beautiful lingerie and beautiful women I had a brain fart and decided to get myself measured to see if VS could "raise" me out of my despair.
I was indeed measured. The outcome?

I've been AUGMENTED!
I looked it up in the dictionary and it says - ( To make (something already developed or well under way) greater, as in size, extent, or quantity )

No Victorias Secret did NOT give me a 3rd boob.
My boobs are developed though and the term "under way" definatley applies
- thank you gravity for that one, you nasty, nasty piece of work.

My cup size went from "C" to "DD" with just one glance at a measuring tape.
Bluddy amazing...
They got me trussed up like a feckin chicken, started my credit card smoking
( Marlboro Lights up to 20 a day) and home I trotted with a rather pretty pink bag full of DD, did you get that? DD! bras.

Me - Ma boobs are afwy close tae ma chin! I'm no likin this.
SB - Eh?
Me - I SAID, Ma boobs are afwy close tae ma chin!
SB - I hate to tell you this but thats where they're supposed to be.
Me - Well I'm still no likin it *sighs*
SB - It'll take a while to get used to it I suppose, it's been a while.
Me - Are you sue this is where they're supposed to be?
SB - I'm sure

I'm still skeptical.
Got nice undies though!

Don't look back in anger - Oasis

2010-04-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

Bluddy Hell...she's BACK
And inspired by the one and only DOLLY!
Listening to her tonight and thinking - my BLOG - WTF happened?
So, after my AWOL, here I find myself, in a relationship with "The Italian Stallion" Mr Pinot Grigio himself and missing all my blogpals.
Dinnae worry the SB is "alive and Kicking"
It's been one shit year.. but shit happens.
Here I am older,uglier,droopier (did I ever mention that I can sunbathe on my tummy and end up with BURNT nipples ? )
GIRD YOUR LOINS!
I NEVER take prisoners ;0)

Long Black Train by Yours Truly and SB

2009-08-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was SB's birthday.
We had a lovely dinner, drank some beer, drank some wine, drank some more wine...
SB got his Guitar out and we proceeded to have a wee Party, just the two of us.
At some point we decided to get Scoots new Video Camera and tape ourselves, what a STUPID FECKIN IDEA!
I just got home from work about an hour ago and checked in on Facebook.
Guess what?
SB POSTED the Video.
OMG
I'm MORTIFIED!
I'm a You Tube!
Here it is...make of it what you will, just remember I was intoxifeckincated!

You may send condolences via Comments.
Thank you in advance.

Gone Fishin by Louis Armstrong and Bing Crosby

2009-08-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

Whales...hmm
Crabs!
Another matter all together. (Oh behave!)
I've been watching more TV than is normal for me.
I'm so tired at the end of the day that all I want to do is plonk my fat ass down on the sofa and "veg" in front of the big screen.
I was rather dismayed to find that I actually enjoy reality shows.
NOT the ones about fat folk dating or dieting or both.
I have no sympathy. It's not difficult.
STOP feckin eating and exercise more!
You DO NOT have to make a spectacle of yourself on TV to be told this!
Oh and apparently the "camera" adds some lbs so your not doing yourself any favours...
Reality Shows.
Whale Wars and now The Deadliest Catch!
I think there must a seafaring gene in my makeup,lurking somewhere under my Lipstick and Mascara!
Crab Fishermen in the Bering Sea. I LOVE it.
These guys work in unbelievable conditions and I commend them.

The Little Old Lady From Pasadena by The Beach Boys

2009-08-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

Sticking to the school theme, since that's what it's all about here, at the moment.
I'm sure the novelty will wane and it'll be back to the grind in a few weeks.
But school is on my mind at the moment and I recall one of my many cockups, here in the good old USA
It's only fair ( in my own defence, your Honour ) to remember that I had never "experienced" the US Educational System having been being born and brought up in "The Auld Country"
We have no KG, we don't talk about Grades, we have no Middle School and GPA is thought to be some form of Venereal Disease...so I've heard.
A few years ago I was driving around town, running errands and generally making a nuisance of myself, to other motorists and pedestrians alike.
I noticed the car in front of me ( as I waited impatiently at the traffic lights, hmmm there's a blog in it's own right - * note to self * ) had GO SENIORS written on the back window.
Awww I'm thinking, must be a pensioners day trip.
See! I had learned that pensioners were referred to as Seniors here, I'm all about learning the language of the country I live in!
I carry on, my weary way, cars honking and pedestrians scattering as I try desperately to remember to drive on the "WRONG" side of the road!
There's another car, and another, veritable plethera of cars all running around town with GO SENIORS plastered on the back windshields.
Now I'm thinking...hmmm lot's of elderly folks out for the day, must be a reunion or something?
A car speeds past me, doing at least 40mph (bluddy showoffs!)
This one has SENIORS RULE, well, why not?
These American pensioners are pretty cool!
I noted a SENIORS ROCK, SENIORS ARE AWESOME, SOUND SENIORS etc
I'm smiling at this point, America is indeed a wonderful country, all these old folks having fun!
As I approached another set of lights I see more writing coming towards me, SENIORS ARE THE SHIT, oh my! That's a car load of bad grannies!
SUPER SEXY SENIORS! it's getting a wee bit out of control!
DON'T FUCK WITH SENIORS! now I'm NOT smiling.
I don't know what to think, I arrive home a wee bit perturbed. It's weighing on me, this whole elderly outing day.
I managed a Residential Home for the Elderly back in Scotland for 10 years and had never seen the likes of this. Would I never understand the cultural differences between home and here?
That night.
ME - I saw the strangest thing today
SB- Hmmm ( he does that, when he couldn't give a monkeys arse about what I'm saying)
ME - Yes! All these old folks were having a day trip in town
SB - Hmmm
ME- The back windows of the cars they must have been going in, were covered in writing
SB - sighs - Hmmm
ME - Well some of the writing was a bit over the top for old folk,
I think the drivers must have done it and it was really quite offensive.
I've been thinking about it all day and I'm going toreport it to the
authorities! It's just not right having Grannies and Grandpas being driven
around in cars with things like that written all over the bluddy glass!
SB - What?
I proceed to tell him.
He starts to giggle, the giggle turns into a silent laugh which very quickly becomes a guffaw!
ME - SB! It's NOT funny! I'm talking about the Elderly here for feck sake!
SB - Darlin...
ME - DINNAE DARLIN ME!
More laughter
SB - Darlin...
ME - ( seriously pissed off ) What?
SB - Well, you see, High School kids in this country...
ME - What about them? What on Gods green earth ( I say that - a lot) do High School
kids have to do with what I'm telling you?
You know, I don't think you even listen to me!
SB - High School Kids...
ME - WTF ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL KIDS?
SB - Well this is the last week off school.
ME -
SB - and kids in the last year of High School
ME -
SB - They're called Seniors
ME - oh! *giggles* oh! *laughs* oh my! *guffaws and snorts*

Ive got it now though- Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior, not a granny in sight!

Act Naturally by Buck Owens

2009-08-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

The morning of Day 3 "Girls back to school"
The house has become a Beauty Salon between the hours of 6:30 and 7:30 a.m.
Hair, make-up, camera, action!
Screams pitched high enough to pierce any wayward clouds.
Brawls in the bathroom and a wee bit hair pulling just to add injury to the insults.
WTF happened?
I know it's only going to get worse...
Bluddy pre-teens and teenagers.
Mother ( moi!) meanwhile has developed a severe case of "senior" pimples and the bags under the eyes are having a party with the chin hairs, which sprung into life overnight!
Daughters 1 and 2 catwalk out to the car.
Each contending for Americas/Scotlands next Top Model, as I skulk behind, hoping the neighbors are not bearing witness to my demise.
The one saving grace, is that Scoot and I get to spend the next couple of weeks together before his School starts back.
A few months ago he started to ask for Videos. He NEVER asks for anything, I don't count Pizza and Burger King in that statement!
I started to order the tapes he wanted and in due course he had amassed 30 or so.
Not one of them went anywhere near the Video Player!
They were/are stacked in piles, in order, next to his bed.
WTF?
He's never displayed this type of behavior, you know, the lining up, OCD stuff that is quite commonly related to Autism.
I was really quite concerned. Should I be feeding into this?
August 11th is the twins Birthday. The Child Iseult and Scoot were to be 14.
Around the end of July I started to ask them what they would like as a present.
With no hesitation Scoot tells me he wants a Video Camera!
Bizarre request from him to say the least.
Or so I thought, until...
The dim wee candle in my mushy brain flared up!
Of course, that was it!
For quite some time Scoot has been watching youtube and recently happened upon
AUBRYMAN62187.
Scoot just LOVES watching these clips. I have no clue how he found them. Interesting...
BUT it all made sense.
ME - Scoot are you going to make videos of your Video Tapes
SCOOT - YES ( grinning and giggling )
He's got the Tapes, he's got the Camera, he's working on the dialogue, I'll keep you all posted on the new, upcoming You Tube release!
Oh and Thank you Aubreyman,thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Paper Trail by TI

2009-08-24T18:14:00.000-07:00

I'm here. Of course I'm not annoyed @ MIKE.
You just want me to keep on having to tell you I love you! Bad Mike!

The girls started back at School today. The Child Iseult to High School (Freshman) and WT into 5th Grade. Scoot is off now for 2 weeks having completed 6 weeks of Summer School. The three of them are like a bluddy Tag Team.
This feckin School System drives me to drink!
I could walk but I don't like to sway and stagger in public!
Every year.
I repeat (for the hard of hearing) EVERY FECKIN YEAR. I used FECKIN because I'm incensed and using the F adjective seems to release endorphins. See, already I feel less pained.
Student information.
Name, address, age, grade, parents, phone numbers, doctor, dentist, emergency contacts, etc
Great!
Seven bits of paper, all different colours (pretty).
BUT EVERY FECKIN YEAR?
Correct me if I'm a total feckin Eejit but would it not be easier to call OR email and ask " any changes since last year? "
You see, that would mean me saying "No" three times OR typing No three times.
FECKIN piece of cake!
But Oh no no no. Lets employ someone to copy all these papers this year AGAIN ( all different colours remember, so a wee bit more time consuming) employ someone to staple them all and make them into lovely wee packets.
I then get to go and pick them up.
Then best of all I get to WASTE my feckin time AGAIN filling out the same shyte I've been filling out for 5 years! 5 years x 3 kids...OH feck it, do the math!
OH OH and lets not forget!
Someone has to DESTROY all of last years information!
BECAUSE IT WAS THE FECKIN SAME!
The Schools have no money.
WT came home this afternoon with a book of Coupons she has been asked to sell for fund raising at $30 a pop.
If the school had not destroyed duplicate information for five consecutive years...
Hell the cost of bluddy staples would cover the $30!
There, I feel much better now.
I'm glad I waited a week prior to posting this, I can only imagine the expletive explosion had I written whilst REALLY annoyed.
There are more tirades lined up waiting their turn but I have made an executive decision, not to post anything with more than 10 fecks/feckin/Eejit.
Aye, we'll see how long that rule lasts...

Don't Fish in My Sea by Ma Rainey

2009-08-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

Whale Wars!

I stumbled upon this intriguing series... literally
I'd had a couple of bottles of wine, bottles? glasses?
I do, hazily recall, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass...
I was arsing around with On Demand at some point, having poured a glass of wine, when Whale Wars appeared, like Magic it was!.
I don't know if any of you have seen the show, if not, I have no intention of giving an "in depth" account. See me going all nautical there?
Suffice to say it's about a bunch of Wackos, collectively known as the Sea Shepherds. They are on a boat, somewhere feckin FREEZING, trying to stop Japanese Whaling Ships from killing Whales.
All very commendable. Yes?

I'm all about saving animals, it's pretty much what I do.
I saved two of my horses from a life of eternal catatonia.
Two more, who had just been given up on and the last one would have been on a plate in a French Restaurant for sure had I not paid the princely sum of $650 for her.
Both of my dogs are rescues.
Banjo from the pound and Fiddle from some spaced out,aging, Wiccan Wifie, who had fed him so much the poor wee bugger could barely walk.
So you see, animals play a huge part in my life and if I could, I would save them all.

But FISH?
BIG FECKIN FISH? ( I know, I know they're mammals and all that )
BIG FECKIN FISH, IN THE SEA?
BIG FECKIN "WILD" FISH IN THE SEA?
Mental is what it is...
Fish are Fishy Fer Feck SAKE!
To sign a waiver, stating that you are "aware you may DIE" trying to save FISH?
I just do not get it...
So I'll shut up and settle down to watch the next episode, it's really rather good.

All Summer "LONG" by Kid Rock

2009-08-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

It's August.
My pendulous breasts are swinging and slapping as normal, so nothing new there.
Thanks MIKE darlin!
What a feckin summer this has been!
No thats not right and is just asking for a Mike/Bilbo/John/LA smart "bum" comment! Rephrase * What a Summer this has feckin been!
There, I think thats better...time will tell.
I apologise for not being my usual "ardent blog reader" and promise to try and catch up asap!
Following many a schizophrenic episode, I concluded that if I were a writer, I could come in here and excuse myself as having had writers block.
Since I am not a writer and only punt out twaddle, I have to say I have been suffering from Twaddle Block!
Does that read better as one word?
Lets see shall we?
Twaddleblock.
I LIKE that! A new cuss word perhaps?
Go feck yerself TWADDLEBLOCK!
Oh yes! I feel the Twaddle rushing to the surface, even as I type furiously with both index fingers.
Twaddle is not easy, a brain, even one cell, totally disturbs it's natural, random, growth.
As Summer nears it's conclusion and my brain shuts down for Fall, Winter and Spring, a veritable influx of Twaddle is rising, rising into the cavity where once reigned sanity.
Holy humping badgers, I'm even becoming Poetic!
Who knows where this may lead?
Assume crash position people!

Sinking by Gwen Stefani

2009-07-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

Honey I'm HOME!
My wee vacation on Facebook was rather nice.
She is not nearly as demanding as old "Bloggy" here!
Vacation over and back to the serious business of Blogging...
So much has happened over the last few weeks I should have plenty to tell you and I DO!
So fasten your seat belts, keep your hands by your sides and under no circumstances stand up. Unless your driving a car, then hands would be useful but you need to sign a disclaimer.
The Kitchen.
The kitchen has been remodeled.
THAT was an experience I hope never to have to live through again - EVER
I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
Living with no kitchen for a week will put even the sanest member of society over the edge and I'm Wacko on a good day.
The cabinet guys were... interesting?
One clean cut Hispanic with some powerful tools, the other an aging hippie who just kinda hung around for a week in my kitchen from whence there arose some aromas. Kept the kids and dogs in a nice quiet haze of tranquility...nuff said.
The Granite guys stole the show though.
Two teeny wee Hispanics wrestling with slabs of solid Granite is NOT funny. They almost took out Scoot and missed my kitchen light by the hair of a Test-aye-cal!
Why would you employ the most feeble Mexicans from Mexico to install Granite? MENTAL!
I had to revive them with water!
No way I was calling 911 to report 2 dead Hispanics in my feckin kitchen!
After around half an hour of recovery time they started in on slab No2, poor wee buggers...
They barely survived and left wheezing,gasping,sweating,a lot hot under the collar.
Ta da my new kitchen!
Sink
I'd convinced SB that a copper sink would be beautiful.
SB being the good husband that he is went with it.
Sure enough the copper sink with the black/antique copper counters looked smashing!
Until the water was hooked up and the sink had to take on it's role of being a FECKIN KITCHEN SINK!
Patina
PATINA
Why did I not know this?
Why did the thought not even cross my mind?
Copper = PATINA
The instant water hit the fecker...PATINA
I can't look at it!
SB has to give me a daily update when I ask "How's the FECKER looking this morning"
Investigation lead me to a leaflet in the box the sink came in...
"DO NOT PANIC for the first few weeks following the installation of your sink!"
PANIC? I'm sounding like a Chihuahua giving birth to a litter of feckin porcupines!
"You new sink will take time to naturally evolve"
EVOLVE? Evolution, Hmmmm...of a feckin SINK!
Shattered, is what I am.
Sometimes SB should tell me to bugger off when I have smart ass ideas, he really should.

Everybody is a Star by Sly and The Family Stone

2009-06-11T12:18:00.000-07:00

Hangover Ratings, prepping for the weekend !

1 * Hangover

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up
there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 ** Hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the
attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer
valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 *** Hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so
productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you
of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked
you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet
coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 **** Hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might barf.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you
(depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks
like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and
your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger
and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have
gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 ***** Hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee
who sits next to you.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and
your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You
should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe
..... very gently.

6 ****** Hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly
around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the
pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode
and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you
have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and
farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse
and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-
minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try
to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits
of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving
you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like
moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours
at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!

Unbelievable by EMF

2009-06-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a bit like Victor Meldrew!
Why don't I know things?
HUH?

I don't believe it!

LA had trouble with my embedding - That's what she said!
So here's a LINK!

The Boy(s) are (is) Back In Town by Thin Lizzy

2009-05-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

Well my "people" I've had nothing but annoying stuff going on recently - hence the blog hiatus.
Who the hell wants to listen to me whinging?
Tonight was tres provocative though!
No ye dirty buggers!
NOT sexytime.
Holy wee-bee-jeebus, ye cannae get the "quality" readers these days...you know who you are though ;-)
Ahem ( that was me clearing my throat, small pygmy, been rummaging around in there for days, drunk and disorderly)
Provocative! Yes!
Soooo, I have this Face Book thing going on.
Some of you know this and I have to say it's been THE best fun "chatting" LIVE!
I started it because I wanted to (had been trying for the last 20+ years) find my BFF from High School.
I opened an account and guess what?
There he was!
It was truly sublime...
OR in his words " Fuck a Ferret...as I live and breathe...Fiona!"
You can tell he was quite the emotional wreck as regarded the whole reunion.
Took him quite a few days to compose himself, I'm still waiting for the prognosis on the Ferret...
For some reason, known only to my "Dumbledores Pensive" ( check out MIKE, he investigates me, LOL)
I decided to create a "How well do you know me" quiz.
The results have been Provocative
I'm excited, interested, intrigued...
My BFF got things, like my middle name, what I wanted to be when I grew up, historical person I would like to meet etc
It blew me away.
He remembers.
Height, weight , shoe size, not a clue! but the things in my adolescence which were closest to my heart were recalled by him 30 years, my husband, his wife and (too many, lol) beautiful kids later.
That's a pal
That's a buddy
That's a BFF
Have to say though that my GF here came so darned close it was a wee bit freaky! LOL luv ya A!
That's all, happy thoughts bustin through the blogiverse tonight.
OR as Bilbo might say " your probably drunk"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I am the very model...by Gilbert and Sullivan

2009-05-25T19:40:00.000-07:00

Bathroom re-model, kitchen re-model, bang goes my " new (pert) boobie " fund!
The bathroom is almost finished and the kitchen is due to commence, June 15th.
SB and I went to choose Granite counters, a sink and faucets today.
We were assisted by a lovely "geriatric" sales person, who had as much PC savvy as yours truly!
*sighs*
Even I know, that when you only have 2 PAGES and your looking at page 2, hitting the "next" button, ain't gonna take you anywhere!
He was determined though.
He was clicking that wee mouse, like mice were going out of fashion.
We didn't have the heart to tell him, he was HAPPY!
The problem was, we wanted to buy a copper sink and needed the plug holes!
He couldn't find them.
He was going to call the manufacturer tomorrow.
We came home, I checked online and guess what?
Just as I was reading the page, stating that the sink we had chosen CAME WITH the plug holes, the phone rang.
It was the geriatric, giving us that self same useful piece of information!
Bless his wee heart...
Also
Did you know?
To have some fancy groove on the edge of yer counters costs up to $800!
For a groove!
As you who visit here know, my family were all masons, soooooo I'm thinking it must be in the genes.
A Hammer and Chisel and I should be good to go...

Go Brave by Farmer Nappy

2009-05-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

I was catching up on some blog reading and The Abbot
got me thinking about Braveheart ( The movie )
SB and I boycotted it for 10 years!
Why?
Mel Feckin Gibson is why!
You have to understand that William Wallace is a National Hero.
The historical inaccuracies in the movie would have had Willie turning in his grave!
Everything, from attire, to people yet to be born.
See, I can call William Wallace "Willie" THAT'S how close we are!
Then, to add insult to injury, in 1997, "we" were informed that a statue of Willie was to be placed outside the Wallace Monument.
Behold the beautiful Wallace Monument -

The crowds gathered for the unveiling ceremony
All through Scotland people marked time in excited anticipation.
The country was roused, as it eagerly awaited the new tribute to it's Hero.
The Veil came off!
Yes it did.
And what did it reveal?
Mel FECKIN Gibsons PUS!
( the book cover should give you the word definition ;-)
The Wallace Monument was desecrated! Click on the link, the photo is clear and you NEED to see this...trust me...
The work of sculptor Tom Church, was the cause of much controversy and one local resident stated that it was wrong to "desecrate the main memorial to Wallace with a lump of crap"
Go local Scottish resident!
In 1998 the statue was vandalised by someone who smashed the face in with a hammer.
Go Scottish vandal!
After repairs were made, the statue was encased in a cage at night to prevent further vandalism. This has only incited more calls for the statue to be removed as it now appears that the Gibson/Wallace figure is imprisoned; an irony, considering that the statue bears the word "Freedom" on the plinth.
Hollywood? Hollywood!
I will consume a whole Haggis, drink a bottle of Talisker and THEN fart in your face!
WOW I'm so "BRAVE" sometimes, must be in the genes, huh?

Yessir Thats My Baby by Count Basie

2009-05-13T18:25:00.000-07:00

As I always say "Life's too short for vegetables"
I say that - A Lot.
I have no idea why...
My dearies, this week "life" has just been too short, period.
WT has gone full blown Thespian, WT to FBT?
Hip Hop classes continue as do recitals ( Great America Theme Park in San Jose last Saturday THAT was a "cheap" day out! ) costume purchases, extra classes for the big summer production and she's also started a Jazz Class.
Oh, and let us not forget the Violin Classes and recitals combined with her decision to enter the School Talent Contest ( this Friday) doing the now infamous Hoedown Throwdown!
I can't keep up with her!
I'm OLD!
WTF business did I have BREEDING at 36 years old? HUH?
I blame SB - It was the opening game of the World Cup 1998 Scotland v's Brazil
SB took one for the team!
The result?
WT
*sighs*
SB and John Collins ...what a pair.

They both scored ...on a penalty...*sighs*
WT, what can I say?
I honestly thought, this one's gonna look like me!
The other two were there dads double.
I was going to call her Riosin ( Gaelic for Rose/Rosie)
C-section later out she popped!
SB lookielikie...grrrrrrrrrrrrr how does he DO that?
No Riosin there, so quickie name change to Niamh.
FYI Riosin = Rowsheen, Niamh=Neeve Ooooops, WT, what am I thinking? lol
Long rambling short.
WT is her dads double, BUT she's her mum 100%!
It sings, it dances, it takes front stage at EVERY opportunity.
WT? Rosie? no matter - DATS ma gal!

Eternal Flame by The Bangles

2009-05-09T19:02:00.000-07:00

Just a quickie - that's what she said.
Friday night is usually Chinese take out here in the house of B.
This weekend we messed up, Wine? Food? Wine? Food?
Wine won. SURPRISE!
So tonight is Chinese take out. I'm all discombobulated with this change in my OCD life!
SB perusing the menu, decided to google Mongolian BBQ.
Why?
Let me tell ya!
On our wee menu it says " Prawns, chicken or beef FLAME KISSED in Mongolian BBQ style"

aside - SB just informed me that he has NEVER had ANYTHING "flame kissed" in his life!
YES I'm offended, wouldn't you be?
I'm sputtering even as I type...
Moving on, in an offended manner.

Mongolian Barbeque according to Wikipedia -
Mongolian barbecue (Chinese: 蒙古烤肉; pinyin: Měnggǔ kǎoròu) is a restaurant style of stir frying meats and vegetables over a large, round, solid iron griddle that is as large as 2.5 m in diameter and can cook at temperatures as high as 300 °C or 572 °F. Originally from Taiwan, it is neither Mongolian nor barbecue.
Neither Mongolian nor Barbecue!
WTF?
I need a drink...

Your Mother Should Know by The Beatles

2009-05-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

Mothers Day is a royal pain in the bahooky.
Mothers Day in the UK was March 22nd.
Find a Mothers day card in the USA in March and I'll put you on my Christmas list!
Every feckin year "the mums" go all numpty because we didn't send a card, in March.
If I was a good daughter I'd buy cards here, in May and post them the next year, in March.
But I'm not a very good daughter and my mum would support me 100% on this.
I was a precocious child, a teen horribilis and it's been downhill ever since.
My "Punk" years in the 70's almost killed the poor soul.
Practicing the POGO in my bedroom was banned following some slight ceiling plaster incident.
This meant Pogo practice in the garage.
She somehow thought my Dad could "manage" my Dying Fly moves by yelling (somewhat hysterically)
"F**deeeeeeeeeeeeee she's dae'n that dead flee thing again!"

My actually leaving the house on Summer evenings, when it was still light out, was what really put her over the edge.
Three cans of Hairspray resulted in a great Siouxie Sioux lookielikie!
( Actually the only time in my life that my hair "worked" )
Enough black Khol to make me look like a negative.

My wardrobe, ah yes...
The woman had no feckin clue how many painstaking hours were spent ripping and safety pinning! It was a bluddy ART!
Weekends were the worst.

Mum - Please F?
Me - Whaaaaaaaaat?
Mum - Please wait till it gets dark ?
Me - NO!
Mum - Please, please, dinnae go oot till it gets dark?
Me - Mother dear, what on earth is wrong with going out right now? ( or words to that effect)
Mum - Fowk 'll SEE YE!

She never did "get it"
The whole feckin point was that "fowk" WOULD see me...couldn't bluddy miss me!

Since Mum has got herself a PC and I've given her my link
( she's working on figuring out how to maneuver and click the mouse over it)
and she may read this within the next year or so,
I have only this to say
" You did NOT make Anarchy in the UK easy!"
Oh, and your card is in the mail...

Mary Had A Little Lamb by Wings

2009-05-07T09:36:00.000-07:00

Great minds do indeed think alike!
BILBO has a great post today ( nothing new there )about the French, which just happens to be the route my wee addlepated brain cell was taking this morning.
Our niece lives in France, is married to a charming French guy and has three adorable wee boys.
We spent a few summers in France, partaking in gastronomic delights accompanied by exquisite Vin.
I like France, I love French food sooooo -
I have just finished re reading Julie and Julia My Year of Cooking Dangerously which as some of you may recall, spurred SB into buying Ms Childs book MtAoFC and following in Julie Powells steps (working his way through the recipes)
The book is great ( I don't want to bore those of you who have read it and if you have not then DO! It's a fun read)
All we "bloggers" can identify with the impact blogging has on your life and Julie gives a very honest account of her personal journey.
AND the MOVIE is coming! Woohoo!
The trailer looks fun and I can't wait to see it.
Thats all for today peeps!

Have I told You Lately by Van Morrison

2009-05-06T18:15:00.000-07:00

16 years ago today I entered willingly into a life sentence.
No parole.
No reduction in "time" for good behavior.
No appeals.
Yes darlings, today, 16 years ago, is the day I said "I do"
Actually it probably sounded more like " hmmmsniffdusobsniff"
I was VERY emotional!
SB was his usual cool, calm and collected self, sporting a shitty green colored suit that he'd bought for a Funeral five years earlier. It almost still fitted him.
I was decked out in pink. Pink, me, it doesn't get much uglier than that!
Here we still are though, together and happy as sand boys! ( WTF is a sand boy?)
What has sustained us through good and bad, rough and smooth,
thick and thin ( him thick, me thin!) sickness and health?
Only one thing, if ye ask me!
SB makes me laugh.
Every day.
No exceptions.
And the funniest thing of all?
I love the Eejit!
This is "our" song. Ahhh NOW the concert makes sense huh?

Just in case I haven't...I luv you baby!

That's Entertainment by Van Morrison

2009-05-05T18:46:00.000-07:00

Picking up from where I ran out of time and got all stressed and sweaty.
It happens, deal with it. ( god knows I have to)
The crowd of crones at the Van Morrison gig continued...

This post is not meant to offend ANYONE so if you get numpty I'm sorry but I cannot tell a lie.
Just for Gilahi I'm even giving you the song to match the post title!

1. There was ONLY disabled seating down front. Wheelchairs and walking frames vying for prime spots. Those walking frame dudes can get mighty violent! They have the weapon right there in their hands. Poor wheelchair oldies didn't "stand" a chance. ( I just came up with that! The "stand" joke, shit it doesn't sound funny now does it? Was it ever?)

2. Drink. The bars were all located at the top of the theater. A feckin hike even for us youngsters so there was no booze drunk in the lower ranks. Not that you'd know it given the shaking and stammering that was going on
( Parkinson's and strokes who needs booze?)

3. The highlight of our night was when Van the Man arrived in a Limo.
The theater is outdoors so the Limo drove right up next to the stage.
Four or five humongous bouncers started yelling at the crowd to MOVE BACK!
WTF?
Panic in the wheelchair ranks as they attempted break neck "wheeling"
Anarchy in the walking frame " GANG" They had fought hard to establish ground over the "wheelies"
Bouncers inducing Cardiac Arrests and mild to severe strokes in the audience is just fecked up!
What, pray tell, did they think these old farts were gonna do?
Jump on the Limo?
Jump on Van?
None of the audience in the immediate vicinity could WALK for feck sake!
Van emerged to silence, well apart from screeching wheelchairs and audible wheezing.
After the paramedics had gained control over the audience the concert began.
What a feckin night...
I'll say it again though, Van the Man, sublime...
AND HE'S 60feckin3!

This Has Got To Stop by Van Morrison

2009-05-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

Saturday night we headed out to the Greek Theater in Berkley to see Van the Man.
There it is! (look down ya eejit) The Greek Theater. Lovely Jubbely venue.

It had been raining all day but the evening turned out quite warm and balmy.
We parked the car.
$20!
To park!
SB was whining about needing to "go potty" so we headed over to a couple of Porta Peepoops.
He went in one and I - checking the "vacant" sign first, as you do - I swung open the door of the other one.
Some guy in there going peepee! Why didn't he lock the friggin door?

Me - *screech* ( remember I do not possess the scream gene )

I couldn't take off running, I had to wait for SB!
The door opened and the peepee guy came out.
PPguy - There ya go, I'm done.
Me - Oh, ok, ehmmm thanks
PPguy - You didn't miss much anyway!
Call it nerves, call it hysteria, call it what you will, I started to cackle and I mean CACKLE like a feckin demented witch.
WTF?
I cackled all the way through my ablutions and was still pretty high pitched when I was through.
Out I came only to find SB staring at me all wide eyed and concerned.
SB - What the hell happened?
Me - Ach I just met some auld guy takin a pee ( all nonchalant like )
SB - WHAT? Ye were screechin and cackin like a bluddy loony!
Me - Aye that would be me!

We arrived at the theater entrance and got in line - the line looked like this -

I had been to the Salon on Friday for a "cut and colour" so I stood out a wee head of auburn in a sea of Grey.
AND everyone with the exception of us had brought along Tush cushions...WTF happened to dancing? HUH ?
I do not like getting old!
More to follow on the "senior" gig crowd.
Have to say though, Van Morrison was sublime...

Have A Drink On Me by AC/DC

2009-04-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

On route to Tahoe, WT insisted we play the ABC game.
You know, everyone takes a turn and names an animal beginning with a letter through the alphabet.
A - alligator
B - bear etc,etc

After about half an hour of this, interspersed with a couple of I Spy's, I suggested ABC's of girls names, then boys names, then store names.
WT wanted to do school names and so we continued.
Having exhausted our limited imaginations SB decided we should do Cocktails!
He landed the E and came up with Elephant, yeah right ( feckin cheating with an "animal"answer)
The rest of us took our turn and SB got J.
SB - Jumping Jehosaphat! Now there's a grand name fer a cocktail!

Last night SB asked me if I would like a drink ( A village somewhere obviously missing it's idiot)
He offered me an "Elephant"
Hmmm rather tasty.

His Elephant apparently consists of Vodka , Creme De Cassis and lemonade.
(Unfortunately he's one of those bartenders who twitters crap and thinks he's being funny.)
Having slurped through my Elephant and feeling quite relaxed in a " I do so enjoy an Elephant now and again" kinda way, SB asked if I would like to try a Jumping Jehosaphat?
Me- What's in that?
SB - I dinnae ken yet!
Me - I'll pass
Alchemy at it's best, he started mixing "stuff" and mumbling.
He tasted his concoction and began grinning. ( At least that's what it looked like )
SB - Oh, Oh you've got tae try this!
Me - *sighs* and *sips* and WTF?
SB - Good eh?
Me- WTF is in it?
SB - Well, ye see it's the same as an Elephant but ye add some Brandy!

A Jumping Jehosaphat WILL do this to you!

Aye good old SB
As a failure he's a great success!

Riverdance by Bill Whelan

2009-04-27T18:13:00.000-07:00

I've been reading other Blogs and quite a few "darlings" have mentioned my twin sister, the one and only Susan Boyle
Yes we are indeed identical but she sings better than me.
No one however, seems to have espied "Stavros Flatley" and his son, performing Riverprance!
The real deal, Mr Michael Flatley must be SO proud of Stavros and his son.
I saw both Riverdance and Feet of Flames a while back...wonderful
Michael, you have inspired sheer genius for which I personally thank you from the bottom of my wee heart!
GO STAVROS and SON!

Lets Dance by David Bowie

2009-04-25T18:42:00.000-07:00

SB and I took Scoot to the Library today.
It's taken almost 14 years but at long last Scoot has moved "slightly" away from Noddy videos and other UK tots TV shows ( how he remembers them beats me as he was just turned 4 when we moved to the US )to SPIDERMAN!
Hurray!
Onywie, as we were driving along we spotted a waving green Pickle.
There it was, outside a restaurant, waving.
Waving one hand.
Waving one hand, in the style of Queen Lizzie II of England (I of Scotland!.)

SB - That's a pathetic Pickle.
Me - Yep, it could at least move both it's arms.
SB - I suppose it's tryin tae be kindae a Royal Pickle.
Me - Aye but it's no very animated fer a Pickle
SB - If I was a Pickle I'd be movin ma feet. I think Pickles should dance.
Me - Aye, they should!
SB - Noo a burger on the ither hand widnae dance.
A burgers kindae sedentary.
But no a pickle. A pickle wud be gettin doon wi it's bad self!
Me - Maybe ye should apply fer the job!
SB - A Prancin Pickle!
Me - There ye go!

Don't Leave Me this Way by Thelma Houston

2009-04-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

Look LOOK!
I did it all by myself!
My beautiful award from Bilbo can now be seen by EVERYONE! (all five of you ;-) )
*does the Hoedown Throwdown - I'm getting better at it! *
And look at my typing!
I am ?6 and I'm a PC...

Onwards dear reader to the final destination of our Inter rail journey, Greece.
The plan was that we would spend the last week of our trip relaxing on a Greek Island then fly back to the UK.
It's was a great idea and it was MINE!
I had no intention of participating in an overland "reverse trip"
It takes too long.
We literally scooted through Bulgaria ( we had been there on Honeymoon :( it was a disaster, so we had no fond memories ) to Sofia where we jumped on a train headed for Thessaloniki.
It was an overnighter and we were due to arrive around noon, Sunday.
There were a few Inter railers on board, a couple of Irish girls and a pack of Australians.
The usual Border checks occurred and a young American guy was marched off the train!
We never did find out why.
Recalling him I have to say you could play "Spot the American Inter Railer" and win with 100% accuracy every time!

Young people of the World backpacking!

American backpacker!

No offence, of course. They're just so CLEAN! Creases in shorts, perfectly ironed shirts, cute wee shoes and the hair, OMG the hair! "like you've just stepped out of a salon"

We were in Greece! hurray! well not for the American kid but...
Everyone fell asleep only to be abruptly awakened at around 6a.m. and told to leave the couchette and move into a regular carriage.
This we did, because we are respectful of Railway authority!
There were around 12 of us ( all backpackers) in the carriage.
Where had everyone gone? They must have all got off while we were sleeping.
One of the Australian guys went to check it out.
He informed us that we were now the ONLY carriage!
Oh well, not to worry, Thessaloniki here we come.
I'm going to say it was around 10a.m. ( SB would be more accurate because he's anal ) when the train stopped at a kinda siding. A platform with a stand pipe and two rotund Greek railwaymen with a cooler, drinking Amstel. There was a wee village in the distance, the rest of our scenery was fields and well, things that looked like fields.
We waited, all chatting about where we had been, what we had seen, funny stories of our exploits, you get the picture.
Half an hour or so later we heard a train chuffing off.
WTF?
The Australian guy ( our savior as it turned out ) again went to check it out.
He returned , ashen.
They had de-coupled us!
The engine was feckin GONE!
Twelve of us in a feckin railway carriage "somewhere" in Greece, abandoned!
Everyone laughed. We did, we laughed.
11 a.m Laughter had subsided
11:30 a.m. Everyone was beginning to get antsy ( it was getting hot, in the 80's)
12 noon Decisions were being made! The Australian had us all pool our food and water.
12:30 He and another guy got off the train to ask the two rotund Greeks ( now on their 4th bottle of ice cold beer ) if they knew what was happening. They were met with shrugs and a lot of head shaking...as only Greeks can do
We were all debating whether or not to get off the train, what if the engine came back?
1:30 We had all had it. Our water was finished as was the food. Everyone disembarked.
We all stretched our legs and sat in the shade.
It was now in the 90's
3:00p.m. Everyone was becoming dehydrated. The stand pipe was looking more like a beer pump by the second. To drink Greek water or not...that was the question.
An argument ensued. We were hot, cranky, thirsty and abandoned.
- The water's not safe
- The water's not potable ( some smart ass with a PHD, who TF says potable? )
- There are germs in it
- My mum made me promise to only drink bottled water or I wouldn't get to take this trip
- If we drink it we're all going to wind up in Hospital, in Greece!
- Hey if we drink it we could all wind up dead!
Australian Guy - If we DON'T drink it we're all going to feckin die anyway! It's over 100deg
and we have no idea when or if the feckin engine is coming back!
12 thirst crazed loonys attacked the stand pipe.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Sated and exhausted we all began to doze.
At around 5p.m. we heard the distant sound of an engine
Whoop.
We all dived back into the carriage which was duly re-coupled and we were off!
For about a mile.
The train stopped.
Some rail workers hooked a flatbed piled with logs onto the back of our carriage.
We were off!
Backwards.
To our wee platform with the stand pipe.
The flatbed was De-coupled.
We were off!
For about a mile.
The train stopped.
Some rail workers hooked a flatbed piled with logs onto the back of our carriage.
We were off!
Backwards.
To our wee platform with the stand pipe.
The flatbed was De-coupled.
We did this five feckin times!
THEN!
We really were off!
We arrived in Thessaloniki at around 2a.m
We had no drachmas, no food, no water and nowhere to sleep.
I begged, I did!, I begged a couple of guys (shutting up an open bar) for water.
We slept on Platform 6 of Thessaloniki Station.
Our last week was spent in Skiathos, hotel, beach and lazing around recovering.

I would recommend everyone/anyone to take an Inter rail trip no matter what age!
If you can pick up a backpack, your good to go.

Take The Money and Run by Steve Milar Band

2009-04-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

I have to start today with a huge THANK YOU to my darlin friend BILBO who gave me an Award! I'll figure out how to show it to y'all ASAP.
Meanwhile...

Romania , Sighisoara and Vlad Dracul

We arrived in Sighisoara and were dumped at what was "we assumed" the Railway Station.

There was one Hotel in town circa 1940.
No electricity but we did have a dribble of lukewarm water in the shower.
The town was very picturesque but extremely poor.

We went for dinner in the wee house which is the birthplace of Vlad, now a restaurant.
They had little or no food!
Salad was one lettuce leaf and half a tomato.
Entree, no choice, a wee slice of pork and half a potato.
Dessert? Forget it the couple at the next table had ordered the last grapefruit!
We headed back to the Hotel bar, flashlight in hand.
( oh by "no electricity" I mean NONE inside or out)
Fortifying ourselves with a couple of beers we took a seat and were joined by a young couple from the North of England, lets call them Peter and Lois!
We arranged to meet them again the following night for drinks.
The following night...
We arrived at the bar and found Lois sitting on her own looking decidedly worried.
Me - Hiya! Where's Peter?
Lois - * bursts into tears*
SB - What? Whats happened?
Lois - Well we didn't think we had enough "Leu"
Me - And?
Lois - Well, Peter went out to try and exchange some money * still sobbing *
SB - How long has he been gone?
Lois - Almost an hour * serious weeping*

Aside - when you go on these Inter Rail trips you are told repeatedly NOT to EVER try to exchange money on the streets/black market.

SB - Ok, I'm gonnae get ye a drink and then I'm gonnae go and look for him!
Me - Aye like feck ye are!
SB - Got a better idea?
Me - Ok, we'll all go though * stomach churning*

SB went up to the bar to grab three shots.
The door of the bar crashed open and in stumbled Peter, wheezing, panting, sweating, trembling,hanging onto the door.

SB - WTF happened?
Lois - Clinging on to Peter *hysterical*

SB set down 4 shots and 4 beers and assisted Peter to our table.
We all downed the drinks and Peters breathing regulated.
He managed to tell us WTF happened, it went kinda like this...

He took of to the streets with Dollars ( we all had dollars, easier to exchange than sterling)
Having approached a couple of wily shysters with no success he happened upon an old lady with a corn cob stand.

One of those things you can push around. A wee cart.
He took out a One dollar bill and using "sign language" tried to exchange it for Leu.
She offered him some dubious looking corn cobs.
He shook his head, pointing and gesticulating.
She shook her head, waving her arms and yabbering.
He took out a Five, thinking she wanted more!
The ancient crone grinned and took the five.
Now he was getting somewhere!
He put his hand out for the Leu.
She pointed at the Corn Cob Stand and started to walk away!
He'd bought it!
The feckin Corn Cob Stand!
He started shouting at her " No No No!"
She came back toothless grin, turning the stand towards him.
He walked away.
She followed pushing her wee "business" and calling to him.
He upped his pace to a fast walk.
She started to jog.
He started to run, looking over his shoulder, there she was!
He started dodging down alleys and back streets.
By the time he'd lost her HE was totally lost.
He ran around the streets in a total panic trying to find the Hotel and remain "under cover"

Peter - So I've no feckin money but anyone hungry?

Tomorrow Bulgaria to Greece, then I'm done and back to the present...

Shoot To Kill by Greyhoundz

2009-04-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

I must have been addlepated yesterday, nothing new there!
I was all set for the Romanian saga and totally forgot about the Czech Republic and PRAGUE!
Prague is THE most beautiful city I have ever visited and an absolute must if you ever have the opportunity to visit Europe.
Paris, Rome, Athens...forget it. Prague is the place you want to be.
We had intended to stay for 2 days and were still there a week later!
The only bummer was that we had no time to go to Poland and had to scoot over to Romania.
So Prague...

Two wee stories to tell ye!

There is a Pub ( surprise! ) called U FLECKU
We decided to go for lunch and sample the famous "brown beer" brewed there.
It was a lovely day so we got ourselves settled in the courtyard.
No sooner were our arses parked than a waiter slapped a couple of huge mugs of beer in front of us. No order necessary!
Gorgeous.
We scoofed the first beer as we perused the menu.
No sooner was the first beer finished , "viola" a new one appeared!
Impeccable service and not a word spoken other than " Dekuji "
After a couple of these puppies, food was the last thing on our minds!
As the beer flowed, the pub had a regular influx of tourists, bus parties mainly, arriving, having a few sips of beer, then leaving. Ahhh the waste!
Around 3ish ( and 6/7 beers into it ) the band started to play and our waiter began to feed us shots in between his beer runs.
Some kind of peach Schnapps, rather nice as I recall.
Suffice to say we were happy.
Six o'clock ( maybe?) it began to drizzle, a few minutes later the heavens opened and a thunderstorm raged.
The band dispersed , the waiters all took off to the sanctuary of a covered area, tourists vacated en masse.
Us?
Well when yer wet yer wet, keep the booze coming!
We remained seated through the storm as our waiter ran back and forth under an umbrella with our drinks.
A couple of hours later the sky began to clear.
The Staff, the whole bluddy lot of them (15 or so) surrounded our table and gave us a standing ovation! The applause and cheers were quite remarkable!
No accolade in Scotland for being imbibed!
We smiled, bowed and curtsied and continued our "mission" until the bar closed.
Go team Bogie!
A couple of days/hangovers later we needed to go to the train station to book couchette tickets.
We had bought underground tickets at the start of the week so we hopped on an underground train.
Up the stairway and right into the Railway Station.
Tickets purchased we were ready to head back down to the Underground.
SB - We need to punch our Underground passes to go back down
Me - Dinnae be daft, we've never left the building, we just came upstairs!
SB - I'm no being daft! We left the underground!
Me - It's all the same thing, it's all trains!
SB - Look ya Eejit, the underground is one thing and the Railway Station is another. We need to punch our passes to go back down!
Me - Silly man ( or words to that effect )
I go stomping off with SB twittering behind me and march through the side gate towards the stairs.
I was aware of shouting and some commotion behind us!
SB - Feck!
I looked around and found myself with a feckin GUN pointed at me!
SB had one pointed at him too!
Three Railway Police guys, two with guns and the other yelling - you come with us!
He proceeded to yell that we had not punched tickets and so a crime had been committed.
- You walk this way!
We were marched, at gunpoint across the Railway Station towards a huge stone pillar.
Me - Awwww SB their gonnae shoot us! ( hysterical )
SB - Feckin TOLD ye we had tae punch tickets!
Me - I dinnae want shot! ( more hysterical )
SB - Dinnae be feckin daft! They're no gonnae shoot us for no paying "50 cents"
Me- Aye the are and I'm gonnae pee maself!
SB - *stifled giggle*
Me - *groaning*

- You come round this side - Policeman pointing to the back of the pillar, out of view of the rest of the station.

Me - *sobbing* I told ye they 're gonnae shoot us!
SB - *shaking head*

On the back side of the pillar there was a wee notice, in English, explaining that tickets had to be purchased or punched when leaving the Railway Station for the Underground.

- You see? You understand?- Policeman pointing at the wee sign.

Me - Yes, yes, please don't shoot! (waving our Underground passes at him) We have tickets!

- No shoot, but we make fine! -

We were marched back to the Underground entrance where SB had to cough up the equivalent of a $50 fine, which went straight into the Policeman's pocket!

- Now you go and punch ticket and have good holiday - all three Officers grinning.

Me - Oh mummy daddy, mummy daddy, etc etc
SB - Well that was a feckin cheap entrance fee...
Me - Sorry *whimpering*
SB - *sigh*

Yes dear readers, I, wee me, she who has NEVER broken the law, was indeed arrested in Prague.
So if you do ever go there, please remember to punch yer ticket!

Romania tomorrow...

Across The Border Line by Willie Nelson

2009-04-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

The dust has settled, literally, feckin housework, I HATE it.
But, I do it SO well.
It should be an Olympic event, Housework!
I'd win, no contest really I guess, just a feckin Gold Medal to add to my dusting.

Onywie ( as we say in Scotland) of we go to Austria, Hungary and the "trip"
Austria was pretty...darned expensive.
We only stayed one day/night in Vienna.
SB forced me to walk to the top of St Stephens Cathedral with my tormentor strapped to my back.

Just about friggin killed me...

We were getting pretty train savvy by this time and decided to book a Couchette
for our next destination, Budapest!

Then the real "fun" began.
We get all snuggled up, exhausted and ready to become totally comatose when we hit the Austria/Hungary border at around 1a.m.
We stop on the Austrian side.
Door crashes open and the lights come on.
( I really need you to use you imagination here and hear the accented voices of the officals. Bilbo should have no problem with this for sure!)
Everyone in the couchette sits up, startled, WTF?
Enter, "Franz von Papen" shouting - Teeckets, teeckets I vont your teekets!
Six of us scrabbling around in a feckin couchette shoebox, trying to find our friggin "teeckets"
He checked them, stamped them, handed them back, slammed the door shut, lights out.
We are all mumbling, complaining, whining(me) as we settle back down to sleep.
Around 10 minutes later...
Door crashes open and the lights come on.
Everyone in the couchette sits up, startled, WTF?
Enter, "Rudolph Hess" yelling Passports, Passports I vont your Passports!
Repeat performance from Couchette occupants.
Passports checked.
Now we are all really pissed as we try once more to SLEEP.
Sleep? Yeah right!
No more than 5 minutes go by when guess what?
Door crashes open and the lights come on.
Enter feckin Adolph himself!
Screaming, seriously screaming
-You have Drugs? You have guns? You have ammunition?
He starts going through our backpacks!
- UP! UP! UP!
We all get out of bed ( bed- I use the term lightly as you can see from the pic) and he proceeds to look under mattresses and between sheets/blankets
Having established that all we had were backpacks full of stained, sweaty, grungy thrice worn stinky socks and underwear, he departs.
The couchette is silent.
5,10,15 minutes go by.
We all being to whisper... that was feckin AWFUL!
The train begins to chug along slowly.
Thank god that's over, we all agree.
The train stops. We're out of Austria and into Hungary! Hurray!
Ten minutes later?
Door crashes open and the lights come on.
TEECKETS, TEECKETS, show me your TEECKETS!
etc,etc,etc
It took us around an hour and a half to cross the border!
We arrived in Budapest "zombified"
It's a City well worth visiting though.
Buda castle is beautiful and the food...yum yum.

Next stop Romania , Sighisoara and Vlad Dracul !

Photograph by Nickleback

2009-04-17T17:08:00.000-07:00

Hello Honnies "I'm HOME"
A grand time was had by all.
Enough snow to satisfy Scoot and WT and enough hot tub for TCI.
I've decided to post "real" photos, why? because I've figured out how!!
So we have Scoot and WT about to get into it over the blue sled!

The dogs had a blast and wee Fiddle turned into a superstar! Off leash...go Fiddle!
Banjo on the other hand would never be seen again should we "unleash the beast"
TCI with Fiddle gazing lovingly into her eyes.
WT sporting a Pink hat holding onto Banjos collar for dear life!
Me?
Well, I had a lesson in cell phone technology from TCI whilst trying to relax and enjoy our wee cruise across the Lake...bluddy teenagers ;-)
Oh and that's half of SB to my left!

Holiday by Madonna

2009-04-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

I'm taking my old broken self off to Lake Tahoe for Spring Break.
The other "four" and "twa dugs" are coming with me!
I'm sure I'll have lots of reading to do when I get back ;-)
See y'all next Saturday!
BE GOOD!
Hugs
Fxxx

Sunday Morning by Howie Day

2009-04-12T09:19:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a break from our European adventures to wish everyone Happy Easter.

If you don't "do" Easter then Happy Sunday.

If you don't "do" Sundays then just be Happy You Woke Up this morning!

I know I am...

Goody Two Shoes by Adam Ant

2009-04-10T09:04:00.000-07:00

I'm going to rush through Holland and the "Hellish Hollish" as I fondly remember it's inhabitants.
Amsterdam is a fun City. Great street entertainment, wonderful Indonesian food and very picturesque.

We did take a stroll through the "Red Light" district, well SB strolled I kinda slunk.
I had no idea what you would even consider doing with 90% of the items on display in the shop windows!
Still don't, nor do I care to find out, thank you very much!
Ignorance is bliss.
Moving on to Germany.
Freiburg, to meet our wonderful friends Peter and Ursula. ( We met them when they were backpacking around Scotland a few years earlier).
We were met at the railway station and Pete promptly brought out a cooler filled with beer from the trunk of the car! We sat on the sidewalk guzzling for a while the headed out to Urs's (is that right Urss' Bilbo assistance required plz!) apartment where we would be staying for a couple of days.
Pete is a "list" kinda guy.
Pete - Now we make walk
Pete - Now we eat
Pete - Now we drink
Pete - Now we make trip to the lake for swim!
Swimming sounded wonderful, it was in the 90's and a dip in the Lake sounded just delicious.
*Quick aside - Pete and Urs are both TALL! SB comes in at around 5ft6" and I'm 5ft4". When we all "make walk" SB and my wee leggies are moving FAST to keep up with our striding German friends!
Ok, get the visual?
Soooo, we arrive at the Lake and they take off with me almost running to keep up and SB jogging behind. I'm focused, the Lake is busy and I don't want to loose sight of our guides!
SB - Fiona!
SB - Fiona! (rising panic noted)
SB - FIONA!!
Me- WTF?
SB - look!
Me - What?
SB - FECKIN LOOK!
I turn to him and he's developed an unattractive, nervous twitch, affecting his whole head!
Me - Are you ok?
SB - no
He tries to point but the affliction has now progressed to his arms and hands which are shaking uncontrollably.
I glance around and dissolve into fits.
It's a nudist Lake!
I gather him up and we continue, SB staring at the path.
Pete and Urs have found a nice spot and are laying out towels.
We all sit down admiring the Lake, SB staring at his feet.
Pete and Urs start to strip off...totally
SB- (whispers frantically) What are we gonnae do?
Me - Oh I'm fine, I put my bikini on under my dress! (smiling)
SB - WHAT? Feck,feck,feck,feck
Me- What the hell is wrong with you?
SB- I put my trunks in the wee backpack, how am I gonnae get them on?
Me - Oh just Do It for feck sake, everybody's bluddy naked anyway, no-ones gonnae be lookin at yer "Thon"
SB - I dinnae have a "Thon" It's gone...
Me - Dinnae be an eejit, what do ye mean gone?
SB - GONE, DISAPPEARED, RETREATED, SHRIVELED!
Me - Oh!
Meanwhile on the German front, Pete has whipped out his - CAMERA - and is bobbing around stark naked shouting " Now we make photo, yes? "
Poor wee SB...literally
We three ran down to the Lake and immersed ourselves in the beautiful lukewarm water, allowing SB a modicum of privacy to wiggle and wriggle out of his shorts and into his trunks.
We had a wonderful swim and watched the sun begin to set as we bobbed around.
Pete - Now we make walk and eat
SB - *groans*
Me - What?
SB - How the FECK do I get out and back into my clothes?

Tomorrow Expensive Austria and High jinks in Hungary

Leaving by Jesse McCartney

2009-04-09T08:26:00.000-07:00

I've been reminiscing.
So sit back, relax and let me take you on an "InterRail" journey with SB and moi circa 1993.
We had the tickets, we had the rucksacks, we even had a plan!
SB and a couple of his buddys had done it 5 years earlier and he loved it, so...
We had been saving "vacation" time from work for 2 years ( you could do that kinda thing back then)
This was to be our great adventure before starting a family!
Our last gasp attempt to be young and carefree.
I was adamant that even although we were taking a tent (Sherpa SB in charge of that puppy) we would be checking into Hotels on route.
My idea of roughing it was staying at the Holiday Inn as opposed to The Savoy.

Day 1 - Leven our home town, to Dover, where we would get the ferry over to Bruges (Belgium)
SB (Backpack on, including tent) Are you ready then?
Me -
SB - Come on or we're gonnae miss the bus ( bus from Leven to Edinburgh)
Me - I cannae lift the feckin thing!
SB - What? Your joking right?
Me - no
SB - WTF did you pack?
Me - A lot?
SB - Well your just gonnae have tae manage!

He picks up my backpack ( with some difficulty) and slaps the fecker on my back. I of course assume the Igor stance and stagger the 20minute walk to the bus depot, grabbing railings, trees and the occasional unsuspecting random person in an attempt to keep my balance.

We loaded onto the bus with me in tears insisting that there was no way in hell I could lug "that fecker" around Europe for 6 weeks. My anguished cries received no sympathy.
A trolly thingy at Edinburgh train station calmed me down somewhat, as did a few drinks in the Bar as we waited for our first train.
I felt much more positive as we alighted in York for lunch, having consumed the entire contents of British Rails "beverage" trolley.
I was now swaying and staggering with a purpose!
The port of Dover provided us with more refreshments as we waited ( I LIKE waiting )
All Aboard...we were at sea...literally
We dumped our gear in a cabin which I'm sure was actually a locker with two wee mattresses squeezed in and went in search of the bar.
Hey! I was thirsty. I'd been hauling "the fecker" all over Scotland and England!
Some hours later,
We couldn't find our Cabin...
Up and down decks, back and forth, swaying ( well we're on a bluddy ship after all )
No luck.
Back to the bar, amazingly we found THAT no problem.
We did a good job. We managed to drink our way across the Channel. Quite an accomplishment
Dawn was breaking as we docked in Bruges.
The Bartender had somehow? taken our Cabin key and managed to have our backpacks brought to us...nice guy
We haul ourselves down the gangplank and collapse.
When we come too, it is to discover that every single passenger has disappeared, gone, we are alone.
No cars, no buses, nothing!
Me - What are we gonnae do?
SB - *shrugs *
Me - Oh THAT'S ok then...
SB - Look there's a bus coming
Me - Aye but where is it going?
SB - Disnae matter we're getting on it
Me - WHAT?
SB - Welcome to InterRailing darlin!

Tomorrow, From Belgium to the debauchery that IS Amsterdam!

I Fall To Pieces by Patsy Cline

2009-04-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

I'm broken...again.
Don't even ask, suffice to say I'm a big GOWK
I am now "not so proudly" sporting the following;

1. Bruise on left eyebrow resulting in a bluddy KEEKER
No 3 people, my name is NOT Wullie and I do not have a hairy "thingy"

2. Sprained right wrist
3. Gouge out of right index finger
4. Abrasion to left shoulder
5. Sore neck
6. Sore bum

I feel as though I've gone five rounds with Lennox Lewis and guess who won?
Oh, the shame.
I will NEVER again place a three legged stool on chippie stones, in an attempt to haul my ass up,
to re-arrange the feckin Jasmine plant ( which by the way is looking lovely)

Apeman by The Kinks

2009-04-03T09:47:00.000-07:00

Since yesterdays post had the most comments EVER, I'll stick to what seems to work, for today anyway!
As a very, very, dear friend of mine said - just the other day actually - "she just ain't right"
This opinion stretches further than the eye can see, in the Horse World or at least my corner of it.
I am actually a totally self opinionated "person" when it comes to our equine friends ( or in NARMS case enemies)
I never anthromorphize ( there's one for ya BILBO!) ever.
It's going to get you into more trouble with your horse than anything else you do.
I hear it all the time ;
My horse loves me
My horse hates me
My horse only likes men
My horse only likes women
My horse is happy
My horse is sad

What a lot of TWADDLE!
These Prey animals have no such thoughts! They can't. It's stupid to think they do.
Here's the reality.

My horse respects my leadership.
My horse has no respect for my leadership.
My horse has been abused by a man ( glances at Narm) at some point in it's life and has a rightful fear of tall humans, humans with deep voices, etc
My horse has been abused by a woman etc etc you get it...
My horse feels good about it's self mentally, emotionally and physically.
My horse feels lonely ( they are herd animals remember), bored and out of shape.

I teach people.
I teach horse psychology to humans.
Not a day goes by when I'm doing my thing, that some "experienced" equestrian looks and listens to my lesson and walks away with that "she just ain't right" expression!
Sure, I could Cowboy up, wear spurs, use a bigger bit, kick harder, pull harder on the horses face BUT brute force and ignorance are things of the past.
It's all changing, slowly but for the better.
For the horse to want to please rather than be forced to perform.
Maintaining the dignity of the animal is paramount in my lessons.
I do groups lessons at a reduced rate!
Anyone?

King Fear by The Babylon Whores

2009-04-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday found me living up to every ones expectations...I WAS "the fool"
Nothing new there, so let's move on.

Fear.
Working with horses and being a riding instructor I have to manage varying degrees of fear every day.
It's a dangerous thing, being around 1000+lb animals.
You have to be "on your game" all the time because horses are really smart and know, with 100% accuracy, when your not paying attention.
That's when they test you!
I've been doing this "horse" thing for a LONG time now and pretty much have my butterflies in formation.
This is not the case for many of my students.
I spent much of the weekend pondering how best to help them, it's my job.
I reached some conclusions.

1. I have to respect that the fear a student feels is VERY real, for them.
2. There is no point in my saying "Oh dinnae be an Eejit, it'll be fine"
That's MY reality not theirs.
3. We only learn "out of our comfort zone"
That said, if we go too far then we are in a frightened place and no longer learning.
4. As humans we would be daft NOT to experience fear.
It's our brain kicking into self preservation mode.
5. Fear causes Brain Freeze.
6. Overcoming fear leaves us with three scenarios:

i. Oh Shit moments become Oh WOW moments. eg someone who's been afraid to Lope
becomes confident and before you know it all they want to do is go FASTER!
ii. You become indifferent. eg Picking hoofs can be scary for some people and rightly so but as
confidence builds it becomes just a job. Not, Oh WOW, just, get it done.
iii. The fear remains but at a manageable level. As I said, butterflies in formation NOT
flapping around bouncing off the walls.

I have strategies.
I have a responsibility to my students to use these strategies!
As my mentor Mr P says "Take the time it takes, to take less time"
Move closer stay longer.
True story-
My BFF horse, the one I put 6 year olds on, the love of my life.
Four years ago that horse and I looked at each other, through pipe panels for 6 weeks.
Why?
I was terrified of her!
She was terrified of me! ( I was THAT predator)
It took a full year for us to get on track.
It was a journey, a wonderful journey and one which changed me as a person, a trainer and an Instructor, all for the better!
When it comes down to it, most of the time, our fear is of the unknown.
The Bard says it much better than I ever could :
An’ forward, tho’ I canna see,
I guess an’ fear!

(translation ;-) )

And forward, though I cannot see,
I guess and fear!

Here Comes The Sun by the Beatles

2009-03-31T08:16:00.000-07:00

I've been somewhat tardy with my Blogging recently because the weather is beautiful here!
Nice Spring weather = WORK
Life is pretty laid back during the winter months, what are you gonna do?
It's dark, wet and miserable.
I know! Write ! Write my Blog to be specific.
Then the bluddy sun comes out and pricks your conscience like...well like a prick I guess?
It's easy to self justify doing diddlysquat on a rainy day.

Ranch?
Nah, no point, the horses are wet and "smellier" than usual and the ground is only fit for mud wrestling...hmmm.

Housework?
Nah, everything looks pretty clean (what with my OCD and all)

Yard work?
It's feckin raining ya Eejit! Grass has conveniently stopped growing ( nature is a wonderful thing)
The weeds are hibernating and all my lovely planters are empty.

Then I wake up innocently ( I'm always innocent for the first 5 seconds before I open my eyes)
and there she is, Miss Bluddy Sunshine.

Ranch?
OF COURSE! Those poor horses need turned out. They need to be ridden. They need to be excercised. Oh and grain, they need grain EVERY day. Cleaning tack, get it done!

Housework?
OMFG When were those windows last washed? Look at the baseboards! Every minuscule particle of dust glaring in the blinding sunlight. OCD OCD...duster in one hand, polish in the other stick a broom up my arse I'm on a MISSION.

Yard Work?
So the grass managed to grow 4inches in one night ( Ah my, if only SB were a lawn...sighs)
Every feckin weed in town has decided to sleep over in MY yard and the sun has woken each and every one of the wee shytes up!

That was a long winded excuse for being busy = exhausted.

Voices by Randy Orton

2009-03-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

What's it called when you hear voices in your head?
I know there's a real word for it...
Sybil!

That's it.
Well, I've caught it.
I hope it's not contagious because I'll go crazy if the other four people I live with get it!
Oh, wait, I AM crazy aren't I?
Why am I asking you? Your all as daft as brushes!
(Where did that phrase come from I wonder? "Daft as a brush" Is it a Scottish thing?)

My present "condition" is worse in the mornings and around dinner time, it can be quite irksome.
Let me set the scene.
I have a dishwasher! Wooohooo for me.
The Dishwasher fits nice and snug under the COUNTER.
Every morning, no exceptions, SB has breakfast, rinses his coffee mug, cereal bowl and spoon.
He then places them ON THE COUNTER!
WTF is with that? HUH?
Now, as if that's not enough to make you go "Sybil", the young people I am forced to share this house with, have decided that "Daddy knows best"
They all leave for School/Work...and Sybil kicks in...
I need you to imagine wee thought bubbles here because Stage4 Sybil has not yet set in,( talking out loud to myself ) it's close though, really close!
For the sake of interpretation I will refer to my thoughts/voices as Things I and II

Thing I - Well lookie lookie! (all smarmy like)
Thing II - Yes dear I know ( all sheepish like)
Thing I - He is incapable of putting his feckin dirty dishes in the dishwasher!
Thing II - He was in a rush this morning
Thing I - Rush my feckin arse! He's just a lazy bas$%&%d
Thing II - No,no,no, he just wasn't thinking
Thing I - How feckin much "thinking" does it take to RINSE and PUT IN THE DISHWASHER!
Thing II - Oh stop being a NUMPTY!
Thing I - I'M the numpty!?
Sooooo if YOU don't load all the dishes they're just going to sit there till he gets home?
Thing II - Don't be silly dear you know I've got OCD
Thing I - So does he sweetie, so does he...

Dinner is pretty much more of the same.
Any other Sybil sufferers out there?
Maybe we could start a Club? ( that was Thing II talking, right there)
Thing I, wants to start a GANG!

Even the Dishwasher has an opinion on this. I know because it tells me so.

Dishwasher - SB and small humans I have only this to say...

Just To See You Smile by Tim McGraw

2009-03-26T08:23:00.000-07:00

Teeth are going to bankrupt us.
Five sets of pearly whites do not come cheap here in the US.
We Scots don't have the "good teeth" gene, we just don't...
Of course our diet leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to healthy teeth.
As kids, some of the most common snacks were :
A Sugar sandwich ( yep, a heap of sugar on two slices of bread, if you were "posh" you'd have butter on it too)
A grated apple - sprinkled with sugar
A sliced banana - sprinkled with sugar
A stalk of Rhubarb picked from the garden
( with a wee bag of sugar to dip it in )

I'm thinking I should bill my mum for all of my dental expenses!
That's a joke mum!
(She's got herself a PC and may have figured out how to get here...yeah, more on that soon...)

The kids are all at the "needs braces" age.
Kid with braces!

I'm sure I could do this myself if I only had the right tools!
(go check out BILBO 's post today all about tools, hilarious)
I personally have more "bridges" than the feckin "Bay"
Here's why.
30+ years ago in Scotland, Dentists were "extraction" gurus.
You only ever went to the Dentist if you had a toothache.
There was no such thing as a check up ( kinda sad when I look back and realise it was all FREE)
Your front six teeth, top and bottom had the advantage over anything beyond.
They would be filled, polished, get the "royal" treatment.
The rest?
EXTRACTION!
Like this as I recall

Demon Scottish Dentist - So the pains in that wee tooth? Second premolar nurse!
Me - Aye
DSD - let's have a wee smile then lassie
Me- grimace grin ( I'm in pain here folks! and I'm only 12)
DSD - Och aye, ye cannae see it when ye smile (smiling)
Me - ?
DSD - Extraction nurse!

And so on and so forth over a decade...hence the "bridges"

My kids don't know how lucky they are!
We will be poor as church mice but we'll be smiling all the while!
We BETTER be smiling and showing off the cause of our poverty.
I've told my girls that when I "pass" they have to make sure they get my Bridges and Crowns.
That's their inheritance.
That's where all the money went.
Gold, Diamonds, Jewels ? Forget it.
My teeth are the only thing I possess that's cost $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Like A Virgin by Madonna

2009-03-24T18:46:00.001-07:00

I have no idea what's going on!
I had the TV on "mute" and when I glanced at it,
Pres Obama was yakkin away ( I know this cos his lips were moving)
He was on the news and the title thingy that comes up at the bottom of the screen, read "Dicktater"
I had to look twice, thrice even! Oh my, it just doesn't seem right... to me.
I'll listen to the late news to find out why "Da Pres" is being called a "Willypotato"
Aha!
Why was the TV on mute? I hear you asking yourself!
If you didn't ask yourself, then please pretend you did or this post ain't going anywhere fast.
I will NOT keep you in suspenders any longer my dear, darling, reader - sucking up big time -
The TV was on mute BECAUSE I was having a wee breakdown!
OH NO! cried the fan...see I like to think I'm talking to each and every one of you on a personal level - more sucking up-
Back to the wee breakdown.
As you may (or may not) know WT is in fourth Grade.
FOURTH FECKIN GRADE!
I'm pretty confident that my US readers "get it"
For those of you in the UK, read on dear hearts!
For some reason, known only to fourth grade teachers I suspect...
DEE DEE DEE DEE
( Just had a family meeting to decide how to write the first four notes of Beethoven's 5th, DEE marginally beat DA)

Just for effect *rep*

DEE DEE DEE DEE

Feckin MISSION PROJECT!
She, We, that would be I, am expected to create a model of Santa Cruz Mission.

*Laughing hysterically*
Using...get this...Items found in and around the Home.
The whole thing has to be less than 18"x18", Feckin Mission Lilliput!
WTF??
Oh, I know, lets get those tiny bells I keep handy in the bottom kitchen drawer, you know , just in case I feel the urge to build A FECKIN MISSION!

Oh and don't forget the minuscule friggin wooden door -" top shelf of the laundry"

See I always knew that wee door would come in handy!
I'm spinning people, spinning I tell ya!
*aside* TCI escaped the torment of the 4th Grade "mission proj" as we were moving house/schools and she managed to wiggle her wee bahooky out of it.
Which leaves me, a VIRGIN MISSION BUILDER!
All suggestions, ideas, sympathy will be MOST appreciated.
*note to self* feedback will determine <> sucking up.
I love you all...

As Good As I Once Was - Toby Keith

2009-03-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

I don't usually post twice in one day but I feel the need to share.
SB is broken.
A physically broken specimen of maleness.
It's not pretty.
He's walking around- barely- in a OMG I've pooooooped my pants kinda way.
Reeking of Icy Hot.
Poor Baby?
NO feckin Eejit!
Two things happened to him this morning.

Clarification- I was NOT either of them!

1. He tried to get on his horse (bareback) from the rail of the Round Corral.
He's done it a million times.
Today, Talisker decide to walk off just as SB swung his leg over!
Result?
SB on his arse, in the dirt, Talisker looking at him like was a jackass - smart horse!

Did this cause the "broken" body?

Oh HELL NO!

SB decides to "right" himself, from flat on his back to Homo-sapien UPRIGHT...get this
By doing a feckin BACKFLIP!

*aside * he assures me that in his "soccer" days it was the "only" way to get back on yer feet!

Yeah, well thats as maybe but those days are long gone darlin!

So picture this, or not ( for those of you out there with more "delicate constitutions")

SB lunges backwards, forgetting two important details!
1. He is now OLD and OUT OF SHAPE

2. Relevant in it's own way...he's wearing a cowboy hat ( now feckin SQUISHED)

He gets to the point, of both legs, up in the air, 90deg, when...OMFG his back LOCKS!

Sad but true!
The mind was willing but the body was way smarter!
POOR BABY!

Bewitched,Bothered and Bewildered by Ella Fitzgerald

2009-03-21T12:44:00.000-07:00

I'm being completely overwhelmed by technology at the moment.
What with "the blog" ( I've created a playlist and am trying to get it to "shuffle"), Facebook and now something called Bebo ( my wee sister has got me involved in this one) I'm exhausted...
I have been playing Club Penguin with WT and it seems much more my style!

Hell, you get a wee penguin to waddle around AND you can collect Puffles!
Behold, PUFFLES at play!

I did not know that Penguins had pets!
That's all...
Got to go teach people how NOT to terrorize horses.
Then come home and play with my wee Penguin...awwwwwwww

I'm Free by The Rolling Stones

2009-03-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

I was pondering over my St Patricks day post and it occurred to me just how much of a pain in the bahooky I am...sometimes
Hell, if I was a 20something American, with a drizzle of Irish blood flowing in my veins I'd be first out of the gate and into the nearest pub!
365 days of the feckin YEAR!
That said, I still think the old guy was a jerk.

Which leads me quite nicely into, what makes us who we are?
My earliest childhood recollection is of a huge picture on my Grannies living room wall.
(Dads mum)
I was terrified of it.
That bluddy eye, following me around the room! The weird shapes surrounding it.
I was too young to even ask about it, all I knew was, that it was scary.

A few years later I became aware of the fact that my dad went out every Wednesday night, wearing an APRON!
WTF?
He also wore a ring with the same markings as the PICTURE.
In my innocence I never questioned the fact that I had an Uncle Mason and two cousin Masons'.
It probably should have given me a clue huh?
I mean lets face it, it was hardly a Family secret!
- Oh, let me introduce you to Mason...the Mason
By the time I understood the relevance of the "picture", apron, ring and names it was all quite a normal part of my life.
My Grandpa and two of my Uncles were Masters. It was a good thing. It was something to be proud of.
BUT it was a secret! I can't ever remember being told not to talk about it, but am very aware that I never did.
I was intrigued with my dads "wee book" Which he would let me read in the knowledge that the contents meant nothing to me.
So I was indoctrinated.
When I was 18, I dated a guy who worked as a Slater for a large construction company.
He met me one night, in a foul mood, ranting and raving about "Masonic Bastards" at his work!
I was totally stunned.
People "out there" didn't think it was a good thing?
These days it's something I think about occasionally.
When you have been brought up with certain family beliefs it is difficult to break away.
Do I agree with the Freemasonry?
All I know is, that had I been born a male...just gimme a funny handshake and call me Mason!

P.S. I found out not that long ago that my mum was a member of the Order of the Eastern Star.
When I asked her about it she said - "Oh, we danced a lot"
I'm wondering if Lilu and her Stanky Leg would qualify for membership!

The Wearin' O' The Green - Irish Folk, Traditional

2009-03-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

Today I saw an old man walking along the street here in town.
Nothing unusual about that you might think?
OMFG, unusual does NOT even begin to describe him.
Top to bottom or bottom to top?
Lets go bottom to top...yes I did say that!

Shoes - white sneakers
Knee high socks - GREEN
Skirt! I shit you not darlins!
I think? it was supposed to be some kind of Kilt but no, alas, it was a WOMANS skirt...in charcoal grey, pleated...
T-Shirt - green with a humungus shamrock in "bling" (a wee bit o' the diamante )
Hat - Felt, Top Hat, green and white strips.

Walking along the street, Happy as a Sandboy!
It's just WRONG.
What is the matter with these people?
To clarify, Eejits like "the above" would be laughed right OUT OF IRELAND !
I am deadly ( but you knew that!) serious when I say that I am GLAD yes, GLAD, that "our" patron Saint, (that would be St Andrew, for those of you not in the know) is NOT recognised here.
It's sacrilege.
A mockery.
To all of those who claim Irish heritage...today would be a good day to go to church.

Aye it's a sad state of affairs but HEY lets put green dye in beer, wear feckin STUPID clothes and have a FECKIN PARADE...Go TEAM USA!

Oh my, I may have just lost all of my readers...

The Sound of Music by Rog & Ham

2009-03-13T08:39:00.000-07:00

SCIENCE ODYSSEY

That's what it's called.
Kids K - 12th Grade have to present a scientific project.
WT being WT decided that she wanted to participate.
I completed her entry form following her decision to go for it...hmmmm
They are very specific about the project requirements.
Materials:
Three sided poster board, measuring 24inches(H) by 48inches (W)
Ok, thats easy, YA THINK?
Guess what dear reader?
Oh, go on, guess fer feck, sake it'll do you good to wiggle your brain cell.
Ok, ok, the answer is, it doesn't EXIST!
I found this out having spent a whole damn morning,
in every store I could think of, looking for the bluddy thing.
Trust me when I say, you can buy a plethora of poster board,in every variation of size, EXCEPT the size "they" required.
Exhausted and looking all stressed ( buttons undone, wild hair, flushed cheeks...wait...was that the night before? No matter, the general aura of dishevelment remains the same)

I stumbled into the last store on my list, running around frantically looking for "IT"

Wee side note : I don't talk in stores. I hate it.
I'm a talker, impossible to shut up most of the time but NOT in stores.
Even after 10 years here in the US, I still have somewhat of an "accent" and cannot stand the glazed look on store peoples faces when I talk to them.
I used to find it embarrassing but now it just pisses me off. It's just rude..
With no disrespect to anyone who has English as a second language, explain this to me people!

Wee Asian Wifie - Ah Lookie fo a potabode
Store Assistant - Yes, ma'am, poster board is on Isle 3.

Wee Scottish Wifie ( in best POSH Edinburgh accent) - Excuse me, I'm looking for Poster Board?
Store Assistant (glazed look, head tilted to one side) - I, ehmm , your looking for "a booster bower"?

WTF?

This happens ALL THE TIME.
It's ridiculous.
Isn't it?
Ach, this post has taken on a life of it's own...again
Suffice to say the "last" store had an English sales assistant!
Yes, I'll talk to "them" given dire circumstances ...hehehe
She took me to the poster boards, explaining that they didn't come in the sizes I needed but that it was the same every year at Science Project time...you just buy a bigger size and CUT it!
DUH.
Poster board duly bought.
Let the fun begin?

Title of WTs project ; The Sound of Music

Her Question ; What causes the strings on a Musical Instrument to make different sounds?

More to follow, I'm exhausted and that was just buying the feckin board!

Talk Dirty To Me by Poison

2009-03-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

SB goes on business trips quite often and the "phone calls" home, tend to be a pain in the bahooky.
There are the time differences and the lengthy pauses, following the quick "how's everything" update.
THIS trip I suggested that he set up a Facebook account so that we could "chat" online.
He did.
It was ...interesting...
We were like a bluddy comedy act gone awry.
I hadn't considered the "lag" when suggesting this move into the "new age of technology"
We were answering questions, three or four questions/comments later.
Kinda like this:

Me - Are you missing me?
SB - Nah, it's better than last time.
Me - WHAT? Your not missing me?
SB - Lamb stew and a beer. It was quite tasty.
Me -What are you wittering about?
SB - Of course I love you!

It was mental!
I should have studied. They have books for people like us you know!

Lots of fun though and here's the interesting part, at least I thought it was interesting.
SB was LOL fun on-line! ( He's funny anyway but...) and "quite" the romantic!
Had I not known who I was chatting to, I would have been hard pushed to recognise him.
It went both ways,
SB - Your feckin Crazy in here! I love it!

Perhaps we should give upon verbal communication and just sit at the kitchen table IM(ing)?
Or alternatively...

Something to ponder...

Hyperactive by Thomas Dolby

2009-03-09T19:11:00.000-07:00

Oh my, Oh my...
SB arrived back home on Saturday having spent a week in Yerevan,Armenia.
More to follow on THAT!
Suffice to say last week I, was the :
1. Best parent
2. Worst parent
3. Housework Diva
4. lonely...
Well he's back now and so begin the "conversations"

Which leads quite obliquely into "Table manners"
Specifically the use of cutlery!
Knives and forks to be even more pedantic...
So dear readers i give you, for the first time EVER, a GUEST INTERVIEW!
Let me introduce to you, the one, the ONLY ( thank feck...eejit ) SB!
Me - How was your trip?
SB - great
Me - Great? Better than home then?
SB - *pathetic* no ( he IS well trained)
Me- Shut the fuck up playing Paul Simon - Down in the schoolyard

SB - Ohhh feck...it's no that!
Me - Aye it is!
SB _Nah remember Prague 1993?
Me - Feck yer right!
SB - WTF was it?
Me - 4 non blondes!!! * check Mikes video of 4 chords*

* timeout for guitar/singing EXTRAVAGANZA *
ME - Did you eat out?
SB - It's a fuckin interview ask me about the weather...things ( apparently I'm "leading " the witness)
SB- eat out ..yeah
SB - Ok I can't interview, it's pish, I need to do a guest post!
SB- dinnae tell the feckers what it's aboot! It's a RANT, no(t) interview material!
This is as much as I'm going to achieve tonight...
Guest post coming soon...
Don't say I didn't warn you!
P.S. SB, IS da bomb!

SB- ( fuckin Eejitism personified!)

Pony Song by Edith Frost

2009-03-06T09:41:00.000-08:00

I've decided to share a bit more of my daily life with all of you, dear readers.
A Typical Day for Me!
I have a "Peter Pan" and a "Jigsaw"...sigh

You can decide for yourself which one of the "Ladies" I most resemble!
Enjoy!

Fabulous - High School Musical

2009-03-05T09:04:00.000-08:00

Do I come across as completely Stupid?
The was a Rhetorical Question, Bilbo, Mike, LA,...ET AL
I think I am!
For real.
Last night was TCIs High School Induction thingy.
See! I don't even know what the heck it was called.
We sat in the auditorium for an hour, listening to a presentation from the Principal.
I have no clue what the man was yabbering about.
I was not off to a good start when I realised I'd forgotten my specs.
(Where's Mike when you need him, huh?)
I couldn't make out a darned thing on the presentation screen, which resulted in me giggling like a nervous lunatic, every time the hoards exploded with laughter.
Me - I cannae see!
TCI - Shush mom will ya!
Me - But I cannae see!
TCI - Shhhhhhhhhhh

And Mommys mouth was shut! Would have been just as well shutting my bluddy eyes as well, for all the good they were doing...
But I digress ( nothing new there)
How the hell does this country's school system work?
I'm totally baffled
Now maybe I am indeed an old fart but here's how it was, back in the day.
Fiona goes to High School,
( we don't have Middle School in Scotland, so you start HS at around 11 or 12 years old)
Arrive Day 1 ( no induction thingy prior)
100's of 1st years milling around.
We were called into houses based on second names.
We were handed a time table.
We were told to go and find our first class.
The Time Table (class schedule for all you guys)
MANDATORY!
English, Maths (yes we say it with an "s") History, Geography, Chemistry, Biology, Physics and French/German ( luck of the draw) PE twice a week, Music, Cookery (girls) Woodwork (boys)
There was NO CHOICE!
In third year you selected 8 "O" Grade Subjects from the above. ( if you were clever)
Fourth year sat "O"Grade Exams
Fifth year selected up to six "Higher Grade" subjects ( based on "O"Grade results) sat Highers Exam
DONE.
No not quite! We went to school from 9a.m. till 4p.m. 5 days a week. MANDATORY
2weeks off at Christmas
i week off Easter
6 weeks off Summer
1 week off Autumn
No "Teacher training" Days
No "Public Holidays"

Here! Now! Class of 2013!
Freshman year (WTF is this Freshman thing? Fresh as opposed to stale?)
Mandatory English BUT you can choose whether you want to do the "easy" English or the "hard" English
Mandatory Social Studies BUT same deal as above
Mandatory Math hmmm easy class or hard one?
Mandatory Language (at least that seems right)
But hey kids guess what? You don't need to do these subjects all year! Woohoo
Get them outta the way, fast as you can!
Guess what else?
YOU get to choose whether you want to do 4 subjects and go to school from 8a.m. - 1:45p.m.
OR
Take 5 subjects and go 9.20 to 3.05.
Oh well lets face it EVERY 13 year old given THAT choice is going to want to go 9.20 - 3.05, right?
Then of course we have "Electives" which include, Healthy Living, Foods for Singles ( I shit you not!)Fashion Apparel, Consumer Survival? You couldn't make this stuff up!
Has a Village lost it's idiot? HERE I AM! COOEY, OVER HERE!
According to the Principal :
" We do not want our students to remember facts and figures! We want our students to be active thinkers!"
Well doesn't that just put a parents mind at rest?
So you have no clue how to solve a Trig problem (cos you got that out of the way months ago) but you are adept at actively thinking about what your going to have for lunch, being single and all...
I'm despairing here.
One thing became VERY clear though!
Why, when I say I come from Scotland most Americans reply "Oh that's in England right?"
Bet you they did REALLY well in "Fashion Apparel"!

THEN

NOW

Dance me to death by Gary Driver

2009-03-04T09:17:00.000-08:00

Today.
Down to business.
It's rather interesting being old(er) and possessing a youngish child.
Wait did I say that right?
Child possession, possessed child.
No matter, both equally fitting methinks.
WT is on a mission.
She's always on missions about something or other but this one has ME as it's focal point.
Some female called "Hannah Montana" ( who would give their child a name like that?)
has released new song.
But here's the rub, it's not just a song, oh no!
There's a Dance that goes along with it.
WT has determined that, not only must Mommy learn the words to this song, Mommy has to learn the dance!
I'm feckin wiped!
I've been Polka Dottin and Country-fying for hours!
My "Hawk in the sky" is somewhat reminisce of Al Jolsens "Mammy" moves.

The 180 turn has my "Whirling Dervish" impersonation written all over it!
Look at those Dervishes Whirl will you! Nothing beats a good old Whirling Dervish I always say.

I defy any of you (over 40) to attempt this!
At your own risk of course...make sure you have full medical cover.
Worst part of all? I can't get the damn song outta my head!

HOEDOWN SHOWDOWN get the moves going , boom boom clap de clap!

Enjoy!
I'm going to have a lie down before she gets home from school and I have to "pop it, lock it"
AGAIN!

Take it Easy byThe Eagles

2009-03-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

Well Boobie Sunday seemed to be quite a tit...oops typo! HIT, HIT,HIT.
So how to keep the readers interest?
More Boobies would be the obvious/easy answer.
Thing is while I've always been "easy" I tend not to be"obvious"
Easy and/or Obvious...
Interesting
No?
Hell yes!
Being easy is easy!
Trying not to be obvious about it, is a wee bit trickier.
Strategies, arrows in yer quiver! Oh my THAT sounded a tad obvious...
A gal needs arrows, good ones.
Oh jeebus I'm sounding like "Robin friggin Hood"

In days of old...I was quite Foxy

Oh my, this Post is just not working the way it was supposed to!
I think I have subconscious tight buying needs?
A "Robin" wannabe?
No STOCKINGS going on here!
What can I say...
The gals will get it!
The lads...not so much
I hope?

How Long - Jackson Browne

2009-03-01T18:27:00.000-08:00

I think it's time for a Boobie Sunday!
And the crowd goes wild!...does one reader constitute a crowd?
I am quite adept at "solo" crowd creation. I'm quite noisy.
I could hire myself out, as a crowd.
Parties for sad people with no friends, weddings for couples who hate their in-laws etc
Hey I could be on to something here folks!
If I offer LA 50% of the hiring fee , we could even do stadium events, for groups everyone hates or teams with no supporters...hmmmmmm
Enough of that nonsense, moving onwards and upwards and "supporters" bringing me back on track...in my case gravitational forces have eliminated any upward boobie "stance".

That's sad.
That's yucky.
Sorry, if you were eating breakfast and had a rather disturbing mental image.
I feel for you, I really do.
I can view the "real" thing(s) every day...imagine that
NO DON'T !
You'll feel ill for the rest of the day...believe me on this one

You know that's not strictly true... if I jump up and down I can hit chin/belly, chin/ belly so there is an UPWARD after all... shame about the downward.

I took WT to the pubic swimming pool a few years back.
She was only 2 or 3 so we went into the dressing room together to get changed.
I got her ready then started to remove my underthingys

WT - Mommy?
Me - Yes darlin?
WT - Mommy why are your boobies long?

We remained in the cubicle until the giggles and snorts died down from the surrounding, filled to capacity, cubes.
Feckin "popular" public swimming pools!
Thank the good lord for under wired Bikini Tops.

Problem?
Oh yes indeedy.
You can lift yer boobies with a bra but ye cannae change your accent!
I whispered to WT for the duration of our swim.

WT - Mommy why are you whispering?
Me - Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

Feels So Good by Van Halen

2009-02-28T21:11:00.000-08:00

Look at me...
Look at me damn it!
Screaming hoards recoil!
There now, that got you all shook up.
Ugly as ever, but in the mood...to post
I have had the most wonderful week and it's all thanks to "Facebook"...yeah whatever, you cynics
I have found my bff from school!
We lost touch 30 years ago.
Over the decades I have tried to find him via the 'net" but with no success.
I slap my ugly mush on face book and guess who's there?
It's so surreal, it's not even surreal...it's mental
AND it just keeps getting better
I'm back in touch with one of the best and nicest gals I ever had the honor to know and be in a BAND with!
Yes dear reader, I was once a member of an "all girl" band...whole weeks worth of posts right there!
We made the local newspaper headlines I'll have you know!
AND I'm "friends" with "the love of my teen life" which those who know me, think is the funniest thing EVER!
Laugh on I say ( thank the Lord "HE" has no clue) laugh on...
I heart facebook.
Facebook has made me happy.
Facebook has reconnected me with people I love, but had lost.
Facebook has that photo of me with my horse. It's not a closeup.
Facebook...be grateful for that small thing!
Oh, oh and Facebook allows me to send "Gifts fae Scotland" which i have to say, stressed our dear BILBO out...hilarious

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow - The Ramones

2009-02-26T08:53:00.000-08:00

I'm going to interrupt my wee narrative with a newsflash.

Scoot has always had short hair...he's a he, so it works.
When he was younger, from around 4 - 8, I had to cut it, with scissors, while he was sleeping.
This was no mean feat.
(lol @ mean feet...forget it, I'm a tad giddy today)
The early days had some rather disturbing results as he would often wake up screaming!
Poor wee guy, who wouldn't start screaming if they woke up with "Mommy Dearest" brandishing scissors around their head...cue creepy music
He HATED haircuts more than soda (still hates soda to this day)
On many occasions he would have to go to school with half a haircut.
Turning him over was the problem! That's when he would wake up.
As time passed and SB had hair loss issues, SB began buzzing what was left of his erstwhile flowing locks.

No4~No3~No2~by 2000 it was guard off, down to the scalp.
Scoot became quite fascinated with the clippers, hanging out, watching his fathers gradual progression into the ranks of "Bald Ba%$&rds"
Soon enough he was requesting- "Scoots hair cut please"
Hooray!
No more midnight haircuts using a flashlight!
Turning the light on also woke him up...
So, for the last few years Scoot has proudly sported a rather natty No4

As all you young(er) readers are aware, fashion has gone full cycle and guys are growing their hair again.
Side bangs are Unisex and cool if you are...
Scoot decided he wanted to grow his hair. He's becoming quite the teen let me tell you!
It's taken about 10 months to get it just right.
He's been in front of the mirror every morning with his hair "products" looking good.
Last night.
Around 9p.m.
Scoot - May I have a haircut mommy? ( he talks like that...cute huh?)
Me - Oh Scoot it's late, I'll trim it tomorrow ok?
Scoot - Yes, haircut tomorrow.
Me - goodnight darlin
Scoot - Goodnight

Meanwhile, The Child Iseult is just out of the shower...

TCI - Mom can I borrow you hairdryer mines not working. (yelling from upstairs)
Me - Yes ( Yelling from the Sofa)

Friggin madhouse as usual.

SB and I are snuggled on the sofa watching TV. Faint whirrr of hairdryer from above.
Half an hour later
SB - How long does it take her to dry her hair, I can still hear that bluddy hairdryer.
Me - Oh she'll be done soon
SB - That bluddy noise is beginning to really "annoy" me
Me ~thought bubble~(Maybe if you had hair it would dull the noise you bald ba$%&ard!)
Me ~said~ Look she's bound to be done soon just ignore it.

Sure enough the noise abruptly stopped.
I looked and smiled at SB...told ya!

Oh, mea culpa, mea culpa

Voice from behind the sofa

Scoot - Scoots hair is all cut

WHAT?
OMFG
It was NOT the hairdryer.
It was SBs hair clippers.
There was no guard on them.
Scoot is BALD. Right down to the scalp. Not one solitary hair on his head.
Laugh/cry both.

THE NEW SCOOT LOOK

This morning he wanted his hair back!
Sorry buddy.
Scoot - Scoots head is freezing. My hair is all gone.
Me- Do you want a hat?
Scoot - yes

He's off to school wearing a hat. This may prove necessary for some time.

It'll grow back, it will, it will...

Siren Song - The Ghost Inside

2009-02-25T08:36:00.000-08:00

The Wedding Night

SB called 999 (911 equivalent) who arrived promptly, hooked SBs mom up to a gazillion monitors, hefted her onto a gurney and headed out the door of the restaurant to the awaiting ambulance.
I look round to find SB and the maitre'd at loggerheads.
WTF?
The Manager was insisting that SB settle the bill before he left...ehm
"Your chariot awaits Mr Groom"
Not only that, he wanted us to also pay for wine we had ordered but not received and deserts, ditto!
What ya gonna do?
SB paid up.
We all loaded up into the "transport", the doors were slammed shut and we were off...wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

No Limousine for me dear reader, hell no, give me an Edinburgh Ambulance, sirens blaring, any day.
A Limo can't quite shake your bridal bouquet the way a high speed ambulance can...believe me
We arrived at The Royal Infirmary where SBs mom was rushed away to ICU.
SB, me and my mom sat down in a "WTF just happened" kinda way.
A few hours later, the doctor informed us that she was going to be okay but would have to stay in hospital for a couple of days.
SIGHS of relief all round.
The problem was that it was around 2a.m. we were on the other side of town from our hotel AND we still had my Mom in tow!
Nurse - We do have family rooms if you would like to just spend the night here
My Mom - Oh that's a great idea!
SB/Me - speechless

We were lead ( my mom up front chatting away to the nurse, SB and I still speechless) to a room located at the top of the building.
Of course the lift ( elevator ) was out of order...My mom wasn't quite so talkative as we neared our goal. Panting and hanging onto the rail of the stairs...just as well we were in a Hospital!
One down one to go?
Sheesh...

Right there! Second on the left! Can you see me waving my bouquet at y'all?

The room had a bed and a sofa.

My Mom - Oh, why don't you two take the bed, it's your Wedding Night after all. (REALLY?)
Me - Will you be ok on the sofa? ( I am not a happy Bride)
My Mom - Oh don't worry about me, I'll probably not sleep anyway. Is that a T.V.? I wonder if there's anything worth watching at this time of night?
SB - I'm going to go back down and check on my Mom...

Off he goes and there I am, left with my MOM, on my wedding night.

My Mom - (all giggly) Well this'll be a funny one to tell people about.

Yes Mom, hilarious!

19th Nervous Breakdown by The Rolling Stones

2009-02-23T17:54:00.000-08:00

The Wedding.

Well my dears, as I'm sure you can only begin to imagine, it was all downhill...
We had decided just to go to the city and have a civil ceremony.
I had already done the "Bride" thing in a previous life and was quite content with that decision.
I had suggested we just grab two unsuspecting eejits off the street to stand as witnesses and SB concurred.
We didn't tell anyone of our plans.
As the "Day" came closer I started to feel bad for SB's mom.
He is, after all, her first born, only son. Wanted for NOTHING!

Against my better judgement ( hindsight is a wonderful thing) I asked him to tell his mom and ask her if she would be a witness.
I did the same with mine.
The Wedding Day dawned, warm and sunny.
We four, headed off to Edinburgh on the train.
SB and I had booked a Hotel for 3 nights,then we were off on honeymoon ( yeah sexy time)
Taking the moms to the City was akin to a Special Ed outing gone BAD.
As they Oohed and Ahh'd like Japanese tourists, we managed to manoeuvre them to the Registrars Building.
Ceremony went well, I cried.
Still feckin crying! LOL
We then took the Moms out to the Dubh Prais restaurant located on the Royal Mile.

Quite posh nosh.
We order and are served our starters. Tres bon!
We ordered our entrees and as we were waiting SBs mom said she had indigestion and was going to make a head call.
The food arrived and we began to chomp down.
Did I mention we were on champagne bottle No 7? AND the mums don't drink!
Five minutes into some delicious grub we noticed SBs mum had still not returned.
Being the kind soul I am...not, I went to the Ladies to check on her.
OMFG!
There she was, propped up against the wall, on her bum, false teeth on her chest, unconscious.
I friggin kid you not!
HEART ATTACK TIME.
For feck sake, I know I'm no oil painting BUT it was a tad extreme...No?

The Wedding Night, to be continued...

Haze of Love - Cake

2009-02-18T09:53:00.000-08:00

I messed up.
Yesterdays post should have been "The Proposal"
Oh well, even genius has it's moments.

Chapter 2 " The Engagement" ( there, that's right)

June 1989 SB and I took off to Crete for a vacation and to buy "the ring".

To this day, I have no idea why we wanted to buy an engagement ring in Greece?
1989 Air Traffic Control were having "an episode" and our flight was delayed.
ATC forced us into the nearest Pub where we had no choice but to imbibe for several hours.
Neither of us have any recollection of
a. Leaving the bar.
b. Boarding the plane
c. The flight
d. The arrival
e. Being put on a bus
f. Arriving at the Hotel
Aye those were the days!
The following week is rather hazy, Ouzo will do that to you, be warned.

We did gaze, peer, through reddish, bloodshot eyes into Jewelers shop windows as we staggered between bars.
On the last night of our vacation -

Me - So are we going to do it or not?
SB - AGAIN? ( high pitched panic detected)
Me - Buy a ring ya Eejit!
SB - Oh that ( relief evident)
Me - Well?
SB - I suppose we had better.

There were LOTS of bars on route to the shopping area of town.
We of course found it necessary to visit each one as we headed out on our ring buying mission.
To the best of my recollection we stopped at the first Jewelers and kinda propped ourselves up on the window.

SB - See anything?
Me - Nope (literally a haze)
SB - What about that one? ( swaying index finger)
I have no memory of buying the ring.
Next recall is in a bar...surprise!
SB, once more fighting his wee way through the crowds, drinks in hands, arms upraised ( am I detecting a pattern here?)
Having safely settled the drinks on the table, he hands me the box with the ring in it.
Me - WTF is THAT? ( glowering at drink)
SB - I got you a Cocktail, special occasion... ( speshhul uccashhhin to be exact)
Me -If I'd wanted a cocktail I'd have asked for a cocktail ya eejit!
SB headed back to the bar for a bottle of Ouzo ( He's a GOOD man)
I awoke the next morning.
I had a ring on my finger.
It was the ugliest thing you've ever seen.
That morning the ring and I made quite the perfect pair!

SB agreed...

Love is in the air - John Paul Young

2009-02-17T11:28:00.000-08:00

Since I can think of nothing interesting or witty to ditty about today I'm going to bore everyone with a stagger down memory lane.
My memory lane.
SB and I get hitched.

Chapter 1. The Engagement

It was 1989. A balmy night in Edinburgh.
We were sitting on a wall, outside a pub, waiting to go to a Van Morrison concert at Edinburgh Castle.

Why were we on a wall?
The pub was full to capacity, we were overspill.
SB went inside to get us "more" drink, because we really needed more.
He fought through the crowds, arms upraised...didn't spill a drop.
He handed me my beverage and as he swayed ( music playing in his head?) he slurred -

SB - shoow je wannae git married? ( imagine an inebriated Sean Connory voice here)
Me -( Fell off the wall )

Yep there I am! Mouth agape...

He took that as a yes.
His Mantra :

More to follow, if you like?

Natural Disaster - Andrew Bird

2009-02-16T14:34:00.000-08:00

Happy Presidents Day.
Yet another excuse for having 3 (swapped at birth) kids terrorizing the house.
They are each, a weapon of mass destruction...could clear a city with just one ear piercing scream.
Maybe I should hire them out?
Make some money?

Irrelevant.

Today is all about bodily fluids.
Yes, we all suffer from them.
I ask you this:
Why are they odiferous and I'm not talking fragrant here!
Why are "certain" fluids reminisce of soapy dish water...figure it out yourself ladies
Throughout nature there are wonderful tastes and aromas.
The humble Orange, the delectable Peach and what about the Strawberry?
What about the Strawberry.
Small, insignificant wee red thing growing on the ground.
But the smell is delightful and the taste is tantalizing on the tongue.
I might even get over my aversion to "Coos" if there were strawberries involved.

A country garden, delectable - inhales, deeply satisfied.
The Roses, Herbs and fragrant borders...

(Well that was interesting in a pee your pants bodily fluid kind of way!
I asked Photobucket for "Country Garden" and got 100 photos of a Chinese family eating dinner in what must be their favourite restaurant!)

Back on topic.

1. Yep, your correct, I have been cleaning bathrooms this morning.

2. Why, oh why, oh why, do even fluids emitted through pleasurable means, have to be so...
yucky?

Someones having a good laugh at our expense. Mother Nature thinks she's funny, huh?
That's all I'm saying!

Ewe to me are everything -The Real Thing

2009-02-15T15:56:00.000-08:00

It's raining. Hard.
Days like this I ask myself why I am living in California.
I could be back in Scotland, in the rain, eating REAL Sausages.
I miss sausages, a lot!
What's with this country, where a decent sausage manages to evade the talents of even the best sausage maker?
There is nothing better than a sausage "piece" Check out BRIED
If I was to choose a "last meal" it would be all about the sausage...

AND
Sheep.
Where do they hide the sheep?
Are there any sheep here?
If there are then I'm fecked if I know where they are.
Sheep and rain go together like a horse and carriage.
To be more pernickity "Bedraggled Sheep"
Oooopsy spell check is having a wee turn with pernickity. Hehehehe.
Just keeping her on her toes!

Will you look at these wee sheep playing in the puddles...awwwwww

You know where the sheep are in Scotland! Yes you do!
Hogging the roads!
Should that be Ewing the roads?

Sheep and sausages in abundance would make my day.
I like sheep, cows on the other hand, let me just say "I'm FAIRD o' Coos"
I've given up telling people this, the looks I get are, well, odd!

My Funny Valentine - Frank Sinatra

2009-02-14T12:10:00.000-08:00

Here I am, back by popular demand.
Well if you include Bilbos comment "Are you still alive" as demand.
I've been flying under the radar this week, not through choice I might add!
Sold a horse on Tuesday...go me, sniff sniff sniff ( these are happy sniffs )
Got sick on Tuesday night.
Scoot sent home form school sick Wednesday morning.
SB home sick Wednesday, Thursday , Friday.
Girls both fine. I think that they are friggin ALIENS.
So that's where I've been, flitting between bed, mopping up yeugh and keeping the girls lives going as usual.
Anyhoo I've missed everyone and will be performing a back to back blog reading ASAP!

So, today is February 14th and I think my butt shows it all...

And FRANKIE sings it all, I love Frank by the way ;)

Have a Happy Smooch Day people!
Hugs Fxxxxxx

Sweet Nothin's - Brenda Lee

2009-02-07T09:51:00.000-08:00

I was surfin' around this morning looking for the origins of "for Petes sake"
What I discovered were MINCED OATHS.
Quite interesting , for me anyway.
Mince= Ground Beef in the UK.
Why a 'minced oath'? Where did such a phrase originate? Why not a 'mild Swearword', a 'Substituted Oath', even a 'Religious Oath' for goodness sake.
A 'minced oath'; never use it, never heard anyone else use it and would advise all vegetarians to avoid it like the plague.
Let's face it, it just not PC to introduce mince into swear words, however mild they may be.
Perhaps BILBO our resident linguist can shed some light on the "Mince" ?

Surfin' Bird - The Trashmen

2009-02-06T09:46:00.000-08:00

It's Friday.
I know which day it is, that's always a good thing.

I happened to watch my first Family Guy episode last week.

It was hilarious! CLICK HERE

Of course SB and I have been catching the kids out with it at every opportunity!
Scoot thinks it's the funniest thing ever. ( especially SBs dance)
WT gives a giggle or three.
The Child Iseult...

Me - Hey Darlin, have you heard?
TCI - Mom it doesn't even Rhyme for Petes sake!
* note to self - find out who Pete is.
Me - What do you mean "it doesn't rhyme"?
TCI - Mom, you say HERD, herd doesn't rhyme with BURD.
Me - LMAO...still

Listen Up - Oasis

2009-02-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

I've got a bee in my bonnet today. See it?

As you may or may not know, makes not an iota of difference because I'm going to tell you anyway, Scoot rides the School Bus.
He has ridden the lovely Yellow Special Ed School Bus for around 10 years.
This is not my choice but having three kids who have never attended the same school at the same time, logistics have made it necessary.

Backtrack - Prior to waking up one morning in this US of A, I actually had a job. I was the Manager of a Residential home for the elderly. We had 40 residents but also provided Day Care for seniors still living independently but with limited mobility.
Every morning we would send our Bus out, to pick up those who would then spend the day with us.
Every afternoon the bus would ferry them home.
By LAW we HAD to provide an escort on the bus.
Common sense decreed that it was not SAFE to have 6+ elderly riding the bus with only the driver.
In the event of ANYTHING happening, from someone being sick to an all out RTA the driver could not attend to his passengers.
All of this 25 years ago.
Makes sense right?

You would think!
I've been advocating for an escort on the school bus here for 10 years.
Yep, you've got it "no finances available"
Yesterday Scoots bus had not arrived at it's usual time of 2:40.
This happens sometimes, who knows why? Driver taking the scenic route?
I usually give it 30 minutes then call to ask where it is.
My home phone rang at 3:o5.
Bus company informing me that Scoots bus had been involved in an accident. No-one hurt.
Thank the Lord.
They said that CHP were not allowing the students to leave the bus but that Scoot was upset and could I go to the "scene"
I asked for directions.
The accident happened in the next town. It took me 25 minutes to get there.
I arrived 3:30. He should have been home at 2:40.
Now you all know that Math is not my forte but by my reckoning, the accident must have happened before 2:15. And they didn't call me till 3:05!!
The bus was full of kids. The bus was surrounded by cops.
The driver was on the bus filling out a report.
I had to wait with Scoot for a further 10 minutes until he was "released"
Every horrible scenario possible ran through my mind from the moment of the call until I had him in my arms.
It is just wrong to have these defenceless children in such a vulnerable position.
I might also add that if a child has "issues" on the bus then restraint straps are used.
Try unbuckling yourself from those!
I'm going to be speaking out a tad louder on this issue, shouting if necessary, as of today.
Wish me luck, I know I'm going to need it!

Coming Up Roses - Elliot Smith

2009-02-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

Only one thing smells like Poop.
Poop!
I put both dogs out this morning for their a.m. ablutions.
Wee Fiddle scratches at the door to get back in. ( Odd that Banjo has never done this )
Onywiy ( that's how I pronounce "anyway") I let both dogs in and continue reading fellow Bloggers posts.
Sniff - yucky sniff NOT aromatic sniff
Sniff, sniff
My nostrils are not amused.
Shit!
Literally.
Fidddle has had "The Diarrhea"
Fiddle has a tail like an Industrial Mop.
Fiddle has a Poop filled Industrial Mop.
Fiddle has taken it upon himself to paint floors, walls and carpet with his Mop.
Fiddle thinks he should win an award.

I made a sign.
Now I just need to teach him to read.

Fiddle has been Lysol'd, bleached and disinfected along with everything he decided to paint.
Fiddle has the cleanest bum and tail that any dog could wish for.
Fiddle has come out of this whole debacle smelling of Roses.
My nostrils however may be damaged for life.
Oh and did I mention my horrendous gag reflex? ( dentists hate me)
It's working folks, it's definitely working.

Kooks - David Bowie

2009-02-03T09:56:00.000-08:00

Barely have time for a quickie today.
I understand the whole Global Warming thing but who the hell is responsible for speeding up time?
I have to thank each of my fellow Bloggers for taking the time to respond to the Meme.
I enjoyed reading each and every one.
I had no clue that these things can be "irksome" ?
Actually I was quite impressed with my linking skills!
Mike apparently has some interesting video footage he is about to share...it may not be for the faint hearted.
Last night I decided to cook dinner. Since SB Mastered The Art Of French Cooking my culinary skills have been somewhat thwarted.
I decided to cook Irish Stew and Soda Bread.
Cue Gordon Ramsay video.
Got it. Easy. Thank you Gordon.
I followed him to the letter!
His looked delicious.

Mine, not so much. Although SB does appreciate it when I make an effort.

Then to top it all TCI.
TCI - What cha cookin mommy ( she speaks funny)
Me- Soda Bread
TCI - Yeuuuck ( as only a 13 year old can say it)
Me - Stop that, it'll be delicious ( I still had hope at this time)
TCI - Soda? In bread? What kind did you use? Not my Dr Pepper I hope!
Me - speechless
I can't cook for peanuts.
How did that phrase originate ?
Cue Bilbo

Brand New Day - Sting

2009-02-02T13:22:00.000-08:00

Happy Monday Dears.
I thought I didn't have much to say today, until I went into the shower.
No, nothing naughty just getting ready for a new day.
The following occurred:
Excited the hair with shampoo then agitated it with conditioner.
Discarded unwanted hair delicately from Oxters and legs (both) not forgetting big toes (both).
I forgot a toe once ( how does that happen? how can you forget to shave a toe?) wore sandals to work and was referred to as "Yeti Toe" for the next six years.
Overwhelmed towel by drying everything.
Body lotion/buttered everything, worrying, the now "bare" bits.
Rummaged around under the Oxters with Dove deodorant.
Titillated face with Ponds gentle cleanser.
Re hydrated daintily with anti-aging face creams, of which I have a plethora .
Teased the hair for a while with a wide toothed comb.
Tickled teeth until the toothbrush beeped then provoked them with floss.
Prepared to get dressed.
Humiliated least mangled/grayish brassiere and tricked it into fitting.
Harassed a g-string for however long THAT took.
Worried a pair of skinny jeans for ten minutes then tormented an old baggy sweater.
Back to the mirror eeeeekkkkkk.
Concealed recently acquired "adult acne"
Embarrassed eyes with blue liner.
Humiliated lips with gloss.
Invigorated hair with both hands.
It's not easy being me...
Stumbled downstairs.

I Cross My Heart - George Strait

2009-01-30T09:52:00.000-08:00

Lets try again shall we?
Hmmm seems to be working, ENT and line space are all snuggly buggly again.
As I was saying , before I was so rudely interrupted, I have a new Award.
If you have a mind to view it, check out the last post please as I am not going through another "discussion" with Miss ENT and her petty little pouts!
I am required to disclose personal information, otherwise LA will withdraw my nomination...I think :)

The rules: I have to tell you ten honest things about myself in writing and then tag ten people to pass it on.

Honest things should be easy, lies are way trickier (little boogers)

*coughs politely*

1. I ate a worm when I was around 3 years old. Mum had a conniption. Dad was quite proud of the fact that I used a knife and fork.

2. I wanted to be an Archaeologist, then a Vet, then a Lawyer ended up managing a home for Seniors. Guess all my dreams came to fruition?

3. I have no self control when it comes to Chocolate. I'm manic. It's scary.

4. I have a lovely back. So saith SB when I asked him what he liked best about me. Now there's "honest" for ya!

5. I miss Scotland. Every day. Not enough to go back though.

6. I talk to much. I also listen pretty well though so it kinda evens out.

7. The seaside is my happy place. We lived in a coastal village. I love the smell and sounds.

8. I won the "Burns Federation" Award every year in Primary School ( 1st - 7th Grade) We had to memorise an assigned Burns poem every year then recite it to members of the federation who came to the School. I still have them and yes I still love Burns.

9. I love being pregnant. I do it very well. The births, not so much!

10. I saved SB approx $9,940 last week.
Option 1. Face lift = $10,000
Option 2. Haircut = $ 60
I had a haircut. I am a good wife.

It now leaves me to bestow this Award to the following :
( Hate me if you must)
BILBO
BILLIONS OF VERSIONS OF NORMAL
HERE I AM
LIVE IT, LOVE IT
MENTAL POO
MY NAME IS MOMMY
OUT OF MY HAT
THE ABBOT OF UNREASON
THE GILAHI BLOG
WHITE-COLLAR REDNECK

There you go my people, all nice and big , so that the old, the drunk and the hungover can see
themselves...love you all mmmmwwwwaaaahhhhh

Get In Line - Barenaked Ladies

2009-01-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

I've won an Award! OH HAPPY DAY !

The lovely, lascivious, lusty, libidinous, lots of L words actually for LAcochran

has deemed me fit to be a recipient! As you can see I have big friggin gaps between the lines. This just occurred and has now apparently decided to rectumfy (not a typo) itself! Jeebus H ! No wait. I'm holding the lines together as long as I don't hit "Ent" at the end of a sentence. I need Tech Support here peoples!

See! that's WTF is happening when I hit EN friggin T. I can either continue with one VERY long punctuated (badly) post or one requiring flippin BRACES! What to do?

Ok I can make executive decisions about my own blog. I'm going to post this because I was "chuffed tae the knickers" that I managed to get a picture of my Award up here but in doing so I have totally confused my line space person who I assume resides within this "program" is that what it's called? No matter, he is obviously discombobulated and having issues with "Miss ENT" who I think may be withholding favours due to the sudden appearance of an Award. ENT can be so bloody minded at times. I need to take time out to council them. I shall return when the dysfunctional pair have worked through their present issues...

Throw The 'R' Away - The Proclaimers

2009-01-29T08:55:00.000-08:00

My girls are very eloquent.
I have no idea how that happened.
I take no credit whatsoever although I do have a veritable Thesaurus of cuss words.
The Child Iseult uses words that I have to sneak away and google - definition.
WT, just the other day used "serendipity"
Who the hell uses Serendipity?
WT, that's who.
Where am I going with this?
Oh yes...
I just need to shut up.
Why? Well, here's the quandary.
Spellathons. Sponsored Spellathons to be more precise.
WT had 120 words, on a list, that she had to be able to spell for the big Spellafeckinthon today.
WT - Mommy will you read my words so I can practice?
Me- Sure ( I CAN read after all)
WT - Ok, lets start!
Me - Where
WT - WEAR
Me - No darlin, WHERE
WT - I told you WEAR
Me- No babe, mommy said WHERE
WT - And I told you WEAR
Me - Ok listen W H E R E
WT - Oh you mean where?
Me - That's what I've been saying!
WT - No mom you've really not!
Me - Have too!
WT - Hold on ( calls The Child Iseult downstairs)
WT - Ok Mommy say it to TCI
Me- Ok smartypants. TCI spell where please!
TCI - WEAR
Me- *expletive* (mumbled of course)
WT - Told ya, told ya! (giggling insanely)
TCI - WT don't ask Mom to do your spelling, I had the same problem, she talks funny.
Me - WHAT
WT/TCI - You do Mommy!
Me - I do?
WT/ TCI - Yes.
WT - It's okay Mom, it's not your fault that you can't pronounce words properly. Your accent does have a certain nuance though (smiling with pity?)

Nuance? Who the hell says Nuance?

MY MOUTH IS SHUT!

Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police

2009-01-28T09:30:00.000-08:00

WT had her first Violin Recital last night.
I dropped her off at 6:15 for a final "rehearsal", rushed back home, rounded up the rest of the people I share a house with aka "the family" then headed out for a 7p.m. musical extravaganza.
The hall was crowded.
No seats left, standing room only, which was actually fine because 4th Grade Strings were right in front of us...initially.
In troop 40+ nine year olds bearing Violins, Violas with a couple of Cellos being carried by heavyweight dads.
They all take their seats.
The music teacher cues them to stand. Not the Cellists, obviously!
SB has the video camera honed in on WT, cue music.
Then.
Some feckin 7 foot Gorilla wearing a Bubble Hat elbows his way right in front of us.
A Bubble Hat, that's what I call them.

He then proceeds to hold his Video Camera up in the air.
WTF?
He was in the FRONT!
SB and I are short.
Even if I had sat on SBs shoulders, the Gorilla guy, arms upraised, would have had a good few inches on us.

SB was a bobbin and a weaving under the Gorillas OXTERS, trying to "capture the moment"
He was feckin hilarious, mumbling cuss words, bobbing in and out.
Put Rocky to shame he did.
Rudeness personified = Gorilla Bubble Hat Eejit!
Determined Daddy = SB

WT was wonderful, I cried. I do that...
D'ats ma gal.

Little Miss Fit - Donna Summer

2009-01-27T08:37:00.000-08:00

I'm having serious second thoughts about my whole "Healthy Lifestyle" resolution.
I've been taking the "horse sized" vitamins religiously.
Drinking water, lots.
Decaf coffee.
Riding the horses and walking the dogs.
Going to bed at around 9:30 Sun - Thur.
Eating ( even green stuff fit only for bunnies)
Punching the crap out of my speed ball, I'm getting quite fast!
And for what?
It's now week four and the results so far ;

Adult acne ( never had a pimple for decades)
Sleeplessness ( waking three/four times a night to pee , that'll be the water!)
Sore biceps, triceps and any other "ceps"
Then to top it all this bluddy flu, thing, virus, cough, sneeze, more mucus than I knew the human body was capable of producing.

I was so much healthier before my health kick.
-sigh-

Before

After

Favourite Things - The Sound of Music

2009-01-26T10:42:00.000-08:00

Friday night sick as a Dog.
Saturday - Burns Supper with 19 guests.
Sick as a Dog.
Had to cancel lessons all weekend.
Sunday, Yep, still sick.
The Burns Supper went really well but I was "scunnered", all the effort and really too sick to enjoy it.
A few glasses of white wine ( didn't even touch the uisge beatha)
and it was goodnight from me! Feck.
Oh well, next year...
Monday today, all day, kids are off school! What a surprise.
I now have a runny nose ( not bonny) and a cough. Headache and shivers have subsided but I feel weak
Lovely Lilu has designated my letter.
I got D !

Ten things I like/love starting with the letter D.

1. DRAMBUIE
Starting with booze is always an idea. Did I say "good idea?" No I did not. Just an idea.
2. DISCO
That's what we used to call "Clubs" back in the day...
3. DUCK SHOVE

Who doesn't enjoy shoving the odd Duck or two!
Ducklings are easier for the wimpy-dinks!

4. DANCING
I'm back to my Disco Days...life was good

5. DOGS
My own Fiddle

And Banjo!

6. DIAMONDS - OF COURSE!

I had to get a horse on the list somehow!
"D" indeed!

7.DOUGLASS, Sara
The Crucible Series was very good.

8. DEAN MARTIN
Managed to sneak in a pony and "The Duke"...god I'm good!
Dino is the bomb!

9. DICK GAUGHAN
Dick and emmylou get me, sniff

10. DA ALI G SHOW

Hope you enjoyed!

That's Amore - Dean Martin

2009-01-23T09:12:00.000-08:00

President Obama failed " repeat the words after me and you get to be President"
Had to take a re-sit.
The whole debacle raised a wee red flag in the pit stop of my single, functional, brain cell.
Cast your mind back, dear reader, to 1981.
If your too young, go Google!

The Royal Wedding.
Chuck and Di.
Di fluffed her words.
Read the first line of the third paragraph...confirmed.
Were they ever really married?
Are Willy and Harry illegitimate?
I have serious doubts as it is, as far as Harry is concerned.

We know Diana had sexy time with James Hewitt

And then along came Prince Harry!

Hmmm, looks like the "Royal Family" are in a wee bit of a quandary.
And if young Willy is indeed a "Fitz",
because Mommy screwed up her vows, then when Auld Lizzie meets her maker, Andy will be King ( Charley has NO chance by the way) who's lineage I also question!

No NOT Dino for goodness sake...

Lizzie and Jerry, who knew?

Music Makes The World Go Round - Eddie Jefferson

2009-01-21T09:17:00.000-08:00

I've been reading all my Blogpals posts this morning, many concerning President Obama.
When we arrived in the U.S. and A , Slick Willy ( I'd take Monica's job anytime by the way. Ooops...did I just write that?!) was moving over for G.W.
Ok I'm all distracted now thinking about "Bill".
*Deep Breath*
Sheesh ...BREATH! See, my thoughts are all "blowing" in the wind!

Gives self a time out.
Sitting in the naughty chair.
Poor wee chair. How can a chair be naughty? Unless it breaks when you sit on it. In which case you probably need to loose weight. Chairs are very accommodating. I like chairs. Chairs like me. I don't over stress them.

*clears throat*

What I wanted to say was, GW has been President for the duration of my stay here.
I don't know much about U.S. politics but I do know music!
In my humble opinion the last 8 years can be likened to THIS
Our new President Obama on the other hand THIS

Out with the old and in with the new!

What A Day - Talking Heads

2009-01-20T09:02:00.000-08:00

Inauguration.
I'd never heard tell of such a word until I arrived here in the US.
I'm watching it all on TV even as I type.
Wow, it's some spectacle!
Makes me wish I was a citizen...seriously

Our Prime Ministers have a rather different "first day" at work.
Show up at No10.
Go for a wee cup of tea with Queen Bess at Buck Palace.
Shoot the sh#t with her for a wee while, topics including but not limited to, Corgis, head scarves and the benefits of Fox Hunting.
Says "TaTa" to Lizzie and then off to the B.B.C. studios.
Sits in make-up till the 5'o clock news.
Goes on air to say "Hiya"
Back to No10 for a Bovril and then to bed.
Meanwhile the populace goes about it's daily business...

Green Grow The Rashes O' - Robert Burns

2009-01-19T14:09:00.000-08:00

Happy Martin Luther Kings Birthday.
The kids managed a whole 2 weeks at school without a break...off today of course. *sigh*

Anyhoo without further ado, I give to you, "The Lassies"
Green Grow the Rushes O'...aye Burns loved the lassies!

Lacochran brings to mind a Rose, her beauty, elegance and prose
Her Blog is quite a sight to see, most days I laugh so hard I pee!
There is another side of course, her schizo twins' personal discourse
I love the fact her psyche's torn, each Rose indeed does have it's thorn.

Another I'd like to recall, My Name is Mommy says it all
The daily tales about her life are full of laughter tears and strife
She cleans and cooks and all of that to keep her family intact
And still finds time to write and share and be my buddy too, so there!

Now moving on to Here I Am, who's cute and really is quite glam
Loves nothing better than to play and tries to do it every day
She's honest, trustworthy and kind and all good things that spring to mind
She is my friend and she is fine, especially when she's on the wine!

Once more the youngest is the last, our bonnie Lilu is a blast
Her love of all the fugly critters, endears us to her as she twitters
Her TMIs make me laugh loud, that girlie sure can play the crowd
With B she has a special link and man o' man can that gal drink!

I have to say that I am proud, to be part of the Lassie crowd
These Wummen, fiesty, loud and strong are not afraid to bear a thong
And now the Laddies have to rise and if your shy we'll close our eyes
Please shout out just before you swallow "Tae the Lassies"

more tomorrow...

Parcel O'Rogues - Robert Burns (The Bard)

2009-01-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned in a previous post, the 25th is fast approaching.
The build up to it is almost as hectic as Christmas.
The "Boys" took off at 8a.m. on a Haggis hunting road trip.
There's a Scottish butcher, a 4hr round trip away, who sells the wee critters.
Meanwhile, I'm working on "The addresses".
The Host ( that would be SB) addresses the Lassies.
The Hostess ( ME) responds with an address to the Laddies.
Typically the addresses are general.
Not at our Burns Supper though, oh no.
Each attendee is addressed individually.
I'm really quite the little "Dittymeister".
It occurred to me that I should honor my fellow Bloggers who will not be here to celebrate with us.
And so without further ado, The Laddies!

I'd like to start with Bilbo a contemplative guy
When Blogging about Boobies he really isn't shy
He loves to go out dancing, he finds it quite a treat
In fact he played wee Mumble in the movie Happy Feet!

Retirement, beer and BBQ's refer of course to Mike
With Boobie posts and videos he's really quite a tyke
He likes to share a joke or two with all his Blogger pals
And he's always quite "supportive" when it comes to us, the gals!

When it comes to magic, John is our shining star
He keeps us entertained without a visit to the bar
He's faithful and he's honest and really likes a laugh
With John we mind our P's and Q's lest we be sawn in half!

Moog dear Moog what can be said he really is quite mad
His pictographic genius and poopy posts are "Bad"
He's always motivational and his posts make me quite giggly
Especially my hero, who is know as MrWiggly

And now for dearest Gilahi, a hippy through and through
He's always entertaining and keeps his music true
I know that he will raise a glass to "Rabbie" on the night
And if he stays true to his Clan he'll end up talking shyte!

The Abbot of Unreason loves telling us a tale
He's eloquent and funny so he really cannot fail
We know he loves to bicycle, his maps he keeps in store
And his Great Uncle Leadbelly keeps us coming back for more

The youngest Laddie , Narms his name is very cute and funny
With all the lassies he is game an energizer bunny
Sport and music play a part in many of his posts
I think he'd have no problems drinking 40 thousand toasts!

And so it's time dear Ladies to be upstanding with your glass
To all our Blogger Laddies, lets toast them all en masse
Please follow my example as we drink a DRAM for them
What would the Blogoshphere be like without our lovely men!

Tae the Laddies! Such a PARCEL O' ROGUES!

No heaving a sigh of relief Lassies, your NEXT!

Scotland The Brave - Traditional

2009-01-15T10:07:00.000-08:00

Living here in California, makes me question certain things.
Lot's of things to be honest but a few in particular.
I have no clue if they apply to the rest of the US, but the Cali Commandments include:

1. Thou shalt not "Double Dip"
2. Thou shalt not say the "C" word.
3. Thou shalt not use the word "Toilet"
4. Thou shalt not use sarcasm.
5. Thou shalt not sit down on a "toilet" without first placing a piece of tissue on the seat.

It makes me wonder how I survived 30+ years in Scotland.
According to CA rules I should have been pushing up Daisies decades ago!
You may not like it, but here's how it works "where I come from"

1. At a party, chances are you'll be dipping more than a Tortilla Chip by the end of the night.
Therefore double dipping is like foreplay.
2. The big bad "C" word is used as a term of endearment. I kid you not.
i.e. Oh sha "c" ah havenae seen ye aroond fir a while.
3. A toilet is a TIOLET. I don't want a "rest" or a "bath"(room) I want a pee, in a TOILET!
4. Sarcasm rolls off the Scottish tongue beautifully.
We cannot survive without it.
It's part of our staple diet.
5. I had to take "toilet tissue" 101.
For the life of me I could not figure out WTF to do with the lovely, "shaped to fit"
pieces of tissue paper which reside in their own wee metal container, in every public toilet.
I tried , god knows I tried. As I recall, my training needs were identified following this:

GF and I at the mall ( setting the scene for you here)
Me - I need to pee
Her - ok
We go into the "toilets"
Me - shit I forgot my nail scissors
Her - What do you need scissors for?
Me - To cut the perforations on the tissue...duh!
Her - What? You cut the perforations on the TP ?
( there's another one for you T effin P)
Me - No ya eejit. The perforations on the tissue you put on the seat.
I've tried tearing the centre out but it just ends up ripping. So I use scissors.

Yes, well, you can imagine her reaction *sigh*

My Scottish Granny used to say " Ye have tae eat a ton o' dirt afore ye dee"
(tae=too, afore=before,dee=die)

Go Granny...ya auld "c"!
Wow. sarcasm AND endearment in three words.
You can take the woman out of Scotland but you can't take Scotland out of the woman!

Shedding a wee tear here...i cannot lie

Love Machine - The Miracles

2009-01-14T10:21:00.000-08:00

Since Mike very "generously" dedicated part of his last post to wee me, I feel compelled to reciprocate.
He did, very kindly, give me some insights into his lifestyle, so that I might better select an appropriate video.
Mentioning retirement, lawnchairs, traffic watching?, beer and BBQ's.
Whilst lawn chairs and traffic watching are all very interesting, Mike omitted to tell me that retirement, beer and BBQ's appear to be VERY closely related to the following.
No imagination required.
Heeeeeeeeeere's Mikeeeeeee!
What can I say ?
WOOOHOO
Go Mike!

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Motley Crue

2009-01-13T17:35:00.000-08:00

I'm becoming quite the "Social Butterfly" this new 2009!
(Which reminds me, my Sunday girls (students) gave me the most beautiful Fairy (I collect them) for my Birthday! She's pretty darned Foxy for a Fairy and I LOVE her!)
Monday I went for Coffee with an old girlfriend.
No, not "old" like me, in fact quite the opposite, looking all young and yummylicious.
I mean "old" as in long ago or shall I say erstwhile?
Erstwhile, now there's a darned good word that you don't hear much of these days!
Too many good words being displaced, disappearing, misplaced?
Shoot, I'm ranting again.
So Monday was wonderful, we're only a tenth caught up ( what do you expect, we only had a couple of hours!) and I can't wait to move on to 2/10, 3/10 etc,etc
Today, I had yet more luverrly ladies for company.
My "Taylor Swift" farrier, gave all five equines, pedicures.

Not kidding, she really does look like Taylor Swift! LOL
She is a dear friend as well as being one helluva farrier!
My best buddy came along as arranged and had her lesson.
She did a great job, on the most Left Brain Extrovert horse that ever was!
This evening, I took WT to her Hippity Hop Class and met yet another gorgeous "oldie".
We've arranged to go for coffee on Friday!
Aren't I "Miss Popularity"?
I'm a happy camper, there's nothing quite like not being in touch with a friend for a long time and then, all the years lost, quietly slipping into oblivion, as you reconnect and resume the friendship.
With January 25th fast approaching, SB called today, to inform me that he has ordered 20 tons of Haggis...well maybe not 20 tons but a LOT!
I'm hoping all of "my girlfriends" and their families will attend!
Consider yourselves invited.
No pressure to eat the Haggis ladies...
Open invite also to all fellow Bloggers in my Blogiverse, who knows? you might even like it!

The Look - Roxette

2009-01-12T10:08:00.000-08:00

Mondays are coming too fast!
Yes, my darlings, it's "Double Entendre" Monday with perhaps a "wee" boobie to titillate your taste buds.
Friday night was great. My BFF took me out for a birthday dinner. We were supposed to go to the Movies afterwards but decided the local bars were more appealing.
Until we realised everyone was under 30...I didn't have my glasses on.
In the spirit of a good time we decided to play Narms Would ya?
The results were somewhat disturbing to say the least.
We had left the house at around 7p.m. as happily married heterosexuals and by 11p.m. we had both somehow "gone gay"
I have no idea what happened.
My heart goes out to the young single girls in a town filled to capacity with droop dead ugly guys...typo but I'm going to leave it hanging.

Onwards and attempting to go upwards.
I'm jumping on LA Cochran and Lilus' recent posts.

OMG you look just like...

I have frequently been told over the years, that I resemble the following:-

I have mentioned previously my hirsuteness, have I not?

My short forehead, long cheek bones and abnormally large nostrils

The fact that I can sun bathe on my tummy and still get my nipples burnt!

My athletic abilities

I cannot deny the uncanny resemblances.

When a felons not engaged in his employment - Gilbert and Sullivan

2009-01-09T13:54:00.000-08:00

The girls are forever asking me to recall humorous stories of my childhood.
Usually to the detrement of myself.
Sadistic little scoundrels.
At my Birthday Dinner last night WT started harping on. Come on Mommy tell us a story.
Story? Story? I'll tell you a Story!
As I have probably mentioned WT is indeed her Mothers daughter...
From as young as I can remember singing ,dancing, acting, then a bit later learning to play an instrument has been a huge part of my life.
Permit me to set the scene.
4th Year at High School, I'm 16 years old and have been in the School Drama Club for 3+ years performing in various plays, recitals etc. This year the School decides to have a 5th and 6th year production of Gilbert and Sullivans "The Pirates of Penzance".

I am elated to be auditioned and then to be selected as one of the "girls" in the Chorus.
General Satnley's daughters. I am the youngest!
No expense spared, the School hires our costumes from a Theatrical Company in London.
The show is advertised in the local newspapers, it is to run for 4 nights.
Opening night. Full house.
The Curtain goes up.
Pour o pour the pirate sherry...game on!
The "girls" are in the wings, we are the fifth number.
Enter stage right, skipping and singing, "Climbing over rocky mountain"
All is well, we are good, the audience loves us.
Then.
The Pirates, Mabel and Frederic have done their bit and it's time for the grand entrance of
"The Major General"
We "girls" all run to the front of the stage, waving and shouting "Papa,Papa"

This we do, only to be met by a very loud voice from the audience yelling

"Fiona, Fiona it's mum, I'm over here!"

Stunned silence. Giggles, louder giggles. Uproarious laughter both on and off stage.
That day dear reader, that gray day, was the day I imbibed my first alcoholic tipple.
Suffice to say this tale of utmost mortification elicits a good old giggle from my kids.
Entertainment becomes entertaining.
Break a leg?...if I had been able to dismount that feckin stage my "MUM" would have had two!!

Happy Birthday to You! - By Me!

2009-01-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MOI!
It's that time of year again.
This morning was quite the "affair" with cards and gifts from SB and the "scoundrels"

Scoot - Happy 21st Birthday Mommy
The Child Iseult - Happy 21st Mom.
WT - Happy 21st Birthday Mommy.
SB - What???
Me - Our children are VERY well trained!
SB - So I see * astonished *

So, another 21st Birthday, wait, Typo.
Correction.
So, it's my 21st Birthday.
Need I say more?
Actually, yes!
I'll throw in a "Booby Sunday" ...game is on with my dear friend BILBO THE BOOBMEISTER
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Swing Life Away - Rise Against

2009-01-07T10:19:00.000-08:00

Oh my, yesterdays post seems to have stopped everyone in their tracks.
I can't remember the last time I had no comments.
(one private, for which I thank the sender from the bottom of my heart)
Since I don't want to loose the few readers I have, let me move on !

Golf.

Scotland's favourite pastime.
After drink of course.
Hence the term 19th hole. The Bar in the Clubhouse. Only hole I've ever played!
Just so that you know GOLF as a word, dates back to medieval Dutch.
The origin of the game itself, can be best revealed HERE

ENJOY!

Come Fly With Me - Frank Sinatra

2009-01-06T09:57:00.000-08:00

Listening to the Radio yesterday I happened upon an interview with Temple Grandin
The savoir faire of this seasoned mother, was taken aback by the realisation that I have done no research, reading, updating on the subject of Autism for quite a while now.
Why?
Well that's just what I thought!
Conclusion?
Well I could rant and rave about 1 in 150 babies being diagnosed, yet according to medical and political criteria it's NOT an epidemic.
Hell, I could wax lyrical for days on "my" thoughts and opinions.
The truth though is quite straightforward.
Scoot is Scoot.
And quite the Scoot he is!
WELCOME TO HOLLAND was given to me by a Child Psychologist a few months after Scoot was diagnosed. At the time, and for many, many, years later I could not afford any comfort from it.
Now, as his 14th Birthday approaches, Holland is the best place on earth.

Message in a Bottle - The Police

2009-01-05T14:31:00.000-08:00

One of my New Year resolutions was to take better care of my body.
Not that there is THAT much wrong with it.
Fully clothed, sporting a Parka, ball cap and shades it's actually quite admirable, given it's longevity.
Problem is I don't eat.
Seriously.
My first and last meal of the day is dinner.
Period.
Coffee - free feed. All day.
After the twins were born 13+ years ago I gave up on Breakfast and Lunch.
It has it's up sides. I've never been over 110.
However, I do "get it" that it's no way to treat an aging body...I use the term "aging" loosely here by the way!(wee D.E )
Also there is no point in spending time putting together "audio" music posts for your pleasure and entertainment if SB is going to be "going solo" cos I've fainted with lack of sustenance! ( and another?)
Plus, he can't sing for shit, so it would be guitar solos *sighs*.
Plus, he has no self motivation so you'd probably never hear a feckin string strum!
All that in mind, I decided - Breakfast - Rice Crispies and a granola bar for lunch.
RDA - 8 x 8 oz Water.
Today leaves me feeling a tad bloated.
Rice Crispies and Granola must expand, who knew?
Not to mention the fact that I'm feckin drowning in the Oceans of H2O.
I can't swim worth diddly. It's a bit worrisome.
I decided to buy some Vitamins!
Cos THAT'S what Americans DO.
I've never taken a vitamin in my life but when in Rome and all that.
I am now the owner of the following:

Cholesterol Free, Fish Oil 1000mg. (The amount of feckin water I'm consuming, I may as well throw in some friggin fishes!)

Wellness Formula, Herbal Defense Complex. ( Get ye back, ye complex Cilantro, Basil, Parsley , Sage, Rosemary and Thyme feckers, back I say)

Women's Formula, Multivitamin and Mineral ( I'm sure sucking an orange and gnawing the odd bit of fossil fuel would have the same results, but whatever, I want to embrace the American way)

I lined up my newly acquired "meds"
Read the destructions ( not a feckin typo! )
Opened the bottles.
My keyboard is stammering here.
Tipped a vitamin into my palm.
Feckin eye popping experience going on ( just when the left one had settled down!)

Eye MUFFINS are NOT good!

These things are Feckin HUGE.
The pills I'm on about now. ( The eyes are a law unto themselves)
It's ridiculous!
I'm not enamoured with swallowing at the best of times (DE)
And get this...
You don't just get to gag down one of these puppies, naaaah too feckin easy!
Two?
Naaaah, let's really get that good old gag reflex WORKIN' baby!
THREE, THREE of each, DAILY.
That's nine...
I feel faint just thinking about it.
I've seen smaller Horse Pills.
And I'm a glass of water short. Nine pills. Eight glasses.
I've just previewed this and have only one final statement to make on this
( should have been Double Entendre Monday, got a couple in I think) Post.
Thank feck friggin swearing was NOT on my "resolution" to be friggin good list!
Oh and I must practice my swallowing techniques...

Takin' Care of Business - Bachman -Turner Overdrive

2009-01-03T17:00:00.000-08:00

The Sex Bomb and I are on a mission.
We have the equipment.
We have begun practicing.
In fact we dedicated the whole of last night to it.
There were a few false starts...I will not lie
There were some timing issues.
There were moments of total unity and bliss.
SB did get a wee bit carried away with himself at times...I will not lie.
I got a tad giggly at one point.
We need to do A LOT more work prior to ...
WAIT!
Got a bit "ahead" of myself for a moment there.

Note to self - save that one for "Double Entendre" Monday.

All this we do for YOUR entertainment dearest reader.
We are on the verge of giving birth!
I'm too excited to keep it a secret any longer.
We are going to have a brand new SB and wee me BLOG!
Not just any old Blogaroonie though.
We are miked up, amped up, and almost ready to start giving you a weekly song!!!!
Woooohoooo.
We may even take requests!
We're working on a few songs right now and ironing out some "issues" but I promise you, this will be, "occurring"
I'll keep you all posted on the progress.
This is SO much fun...

I Luv u SB xxxxx

Bye the way "occurring" is my number one word this year.
Check out GAVIN and STACIE
Nessa rocks my boat!
She's always asking "what's occurring?"
Unfortunately NOT on bluddy youtube. Grrrrrr
Uncle Bryn is just friggin hilarious. Love it.
Oh, afterthought, don't want anyone getting "all numpty" about the clip!
If you are offended then...mmmmmm sorry?

In The Eye - Suzanne Vega

2009-01-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

Happy 2009 people of the blogaroonie-sphere.
Saturday nights Party left SB and I presumed dead.
Alcohol poisoning will do that to you...just a friendly warning.
Sunday - ? ( I assume it happened)
Monday - Occurred, this I know because two totally unrelated events stuck in my
still intoxicated brain cell.
1. GF visited. Took advantage of my delicate condition and signed me up for
a trip to Victoria's Secret Sale...need I say more? THAT'S how bad I was.
2. Left eye swollen, red puffy.
Me - did you feckin punch me last night?
SB - Whaaaaa? *barf* I dinnae think so *barf*
Me - Well there's something weird going on!
SB -* arf * ( a wee barf = arf )
Tuesday - Occurring but not "happening" with the exception of the now "Cyclops" left
eye. And Yes I also am renound for my hirsuteness...

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Wednesday - Soberish. Left eye has now taken on massive proportions. Starting at eyebrow, swollen to half way down cheek! Feckin HUGE. I need medical help.
I call my GF to cancel "Victoria". No way I'm going "there" with two droopy boobs and a feckin droopy eye!
I luv luv luv my GF. ( She has historically taught me to function in this US and A including but not limited to ordering a sandwich!) she talked me through calling K#$*er to make an appointment to see a Dr.
Immediately.
I followed her instructions to the letter and was eventually (35 mins listening to some elevator music) told to apply a hot/cold compress. WTF?
Kaiser Incompetent Klingon - If it's a stye then a hot compress. If it's an infection then you need to use a cold compress.
Me - so which should I use?
KIK - Is there a pimple?
Me - Eye acne?
KIK- can you see a pimple?
Me -It's a huge bulbous appendage...no pimple
KIK - Hmmmmm
Me - So can I see a Dr?
KIK - OH NO. Not until Friday. Earliest.
Me - But it's Hogmanay and I have a THING where my eye should be!
KIK - Tell you what, do 5 mins hot then five mins cold compresses, that should cover
all bases.
Me - Ehhmm thanks? *hang up*
It's Friday, ET looks like a feckin supermodel compared to wee me.
What was my left eye is now a mushy, red, swollen blob.
I look like a stroke victim.
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Is the eye stye a 2008 epidemic? I'm feeling for the gal above. She is my soul mate.
Poor baby.
So begins 2009.
I'm entering it with "one" eye wide open, the other...not so much