Sick as a Dog by Aerosmith

Sorry I've been AWOL for a wee while, it's been a tough couple of weeks.
For those of you who don't know my Mom died suddenly on June 8th last year which meant a trip back to Scotland for me. I was there for 10 days and it was surreal.
I may or may not fill you all in on the pantomime antics of my immediate family...suffice to say they turned it into a CIRCUS and I refused to be the Clown.
Moving onwards and upwards.
WTF is with the Medical profession in this country?
I never go to the Doctor unless I'm sick.
That's the way it is back in the Auld Country.
A few weeks ago I decided to make an appointment.
I had a lump! On the inside of my left wrist.
I Goggled "LUMP ON WRIST"
Bless wee Googles heart, it said I had a Ganglion Cyst.
Nothing to worry about but not very attractive.
The Doctor confirms Googles diagnosis and informs me that a wee shot of local anesthetic followed by a huge ass syringe into the offending lump, to drain it, will solve the Camel Hump on the wrist.
I manned up and it was done.
Then
Doctor - Is there anything else Mrs B
Me - Well I have a funky toe
He looks at it and tells me I have two options, have the toenail removed or take Lamasil.
I LIKE my toenails! Even the funky one!
No frigggin way he was pullin out one of those puppies!
Ok we're on the same page but now I have to go and have blood test on my Liver function.
Is the man daft? It's frazzled! lol
Lamasil apparently can cause Liver failure closely followed by death ( OBVI!).
Cute toenail or death ?
No contest, Lamisil for me!
So now we've dealt with the Hump and the Funk and I'm happy as a Sandboy.
All good so far huh? Apart from the imposing death of course, which SB will have to deal with, because I'm outta here, cute Toenail INTACT.
Up until this point the Dr has been charming.
BUT now he has me in his clutches and feeling grateful for draining my Hump and informing me of my impending death with a pretty toe.
Dr - Mrs B you do realize that you are due a...
Suffice to say I now have the Hospital receptionist on my Christmas card list.
More to follow...

RAT by Voodoo Kids

Last week, Banjo the "dug" was sniffin and snarfin around the BBQ.
He's never done that before.
My first though was "shit there's something in there!"
I called him in, closed the doors and went to pick up the girls from School.
When we got home I told the girls about Banjos strange behavior.
TCI - Open the grill Mommy!
ME- Aye RIGHT!
TCI -Oh GO ON!
ME - Nope what if there is a mouse or something in there?
THE GIRLS - aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh
ME- EXACTLY! Wait till SB gets home! ( I actually referred to him as "Daddy" don't want the girls traumatized...)
TCI- Oh MOM! I'll open it
ME- Have at it kiddo!
TCI after a dozen tentative tries and upon my suggestion, got the broom, wedged it under the grill handle and opened the grill. (BRAVE KID)
Nada, zilch, NOTHING!
All three of us burst into hysterical giggles!
Being scared shitless will do that to ya.
Banjo the DAFT DUG!
Yesterday morning.
I'm in the back yard and the "daft dug" is at it AGAIN!
Sniffin and snarfin and jumping and SALIVATING at the BBQ!
So now I'm all balls!
ME( as I march over to the BBQ reaching to open the lid)- Banjo! We've been through this already there's nothing in (opens lid)
SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two feckin RATS! Noses a twitchin, tails a waggin, feckin GRINNING at me!
I slammed down the lid and the wee feckers scooted down the inside of the grill ran across the yard over the fence into the neighbors yard with Banjo in hot pursuit.
He didn't get them but has maintained a silent vigil of the BBQ and the fence for the last 24 hrs.
Good boy Banj! You rat hunter you!
Where was Fiddle ( dog No2) during all this Drama?
HIDING in the family room!
Wee shite

The Ordinary Boys - Life Will Be The Death Of Me

So Memorial Day.
My Uncle Bert was killed at the battle of Monte Casino. He was 18 years old. He was a farm hand and as such was NOT called to serve. However, his younger brother David who was 16, lied about his age and joined the Black Watch. Bert, seeing his wee brother coming home from Basic Training and all ready to be posted went ahead and signed up. He died and Uncle Dave came home, married and had a family of three. Aye, the Lord works in mysterious ways indeed. My Granny really never got over losing her first born son.
I never knew him BUT my boy Scoot is his absolute double.
Thank you Uncle Bert for your bravery.

Never Too Much - Luther Vandross

Today was GREAT! Hung with my girls, worked my horses and SB cooked enough BBQ to feed 100 people for 100 days ( anyone in need of food packages please contact 1800-SB-FEEDSAMERICA)
WTF goes through that boys head when he's shopping/preparing food???
We are a family of FIVE.
I eat like a sparrrow.
The two girls eat like two WEE sparrows.
SCOOT " I HATE hotdogs" " ONLY the bun please"
Hence a plethora of BBQ MENTALNESS!
I dinnae have enough Ziplocks tae cope!
If you or someone you know is in need PLEASE call the number above, FEDEX will get it to ya !!

I Can't Stand The Rain- Ann Peebles

Back to School night last night for WT.
I am delighted to announce, that I got 100% on my 6th Grade China project!
I have to admit, I had a wee advantage over most parents as I had a trial run with TCI a few years ago, so I was prepared this time and knew the standards required to ACE IT!
Neither of my "Mission" buildings ( 4th Grade ) were anything to write home about but when it comes to China I seem to have a real forte. Who knew?
Moving right along.
I've been studying the Water Cycle this week and it's so feckin DEPRESSING!
Think about it.
There you are, one wee droplet of water, hanging out with your droplettes.
Huddling together trying keep cosy overnight in a muddy puddle!
Now! the puddle is obviously of your making because that's your "caste" (No Pacific or Mediterranean for YOU wee droplet!)but why oh why does Miss MUD always feel free to gate crash the party? huh? Because she is a LOSER! Muddy no Mates!
But I digress.
Having rippled the night away (a mild Spring Zephyr decided to join in the shinanigans) the sun begins to rise in the East. Well it would do, that's where it starts work every day.
The heat! the light! You start to rise up towards it! Your evaporating! It's the RAPTURE! wheeeeeeeeeee here I go!
Up up up you go wee droplet...
Then BAM your CONDENSED!
A bluddy CLOUD!
Cumulus,Stratus, Nimbus, disnae matter a feck, you're stuck, you're a CLOUD!
I reckon how high you fly depends somewhat on Miss Muds infiltration of the "gig" the night before.
BUT you are not alone! More and more wee droplettes are having their dreams shattered too!
It's a gathering of wet idealism.
OH NO, now there are so many of you, PRECIPITATION is rearing it's ugly head and before you know it your RAIN!
Hitting the earth...plop, plop, plop
Back in the puddle for YOU my fine droplet!
And the poor wee feckers have to do it again and again and again.
Now THAT'S Tribulation right there!
Consider the droplet and give the muddy puddle a wee bit reverence the next time you splash through it.
Or not, water is abiotic after all...

Answer The Phone - Sugar Ray

I know it's May but I'm catching up in here sooooo

I got a Kindle for Christmas!
Santa also thought he'd have a good feckin laugh at my expense. The wa*%ker placed a Blueberry? Raspberry? you know, Mr Bells great invention thingymabob under the tree, just for me. Is Santa a complete feckin Eejit or as I suspect, just taking the proverbial ?
Worst Christmas of my life. I was totally overwhelmed by Technology.
The Child Iseult also got one of the Demon, Spawn, Hells-"Bells" machine.
She and SB were yabbering away in Technotalk and I was just staring at the Area51 confiscated scary fecker like a deer in the headlights.
Then they started on me.
Wow Mommy look at this App!
Wow Fi look you can pick up your Emails,connect to FB, have GPS etc,etc.
The pair o' them were on a roll.
ME (in a wee pathetic close to tears voice) Ehmm I've got a question?
THEM (all four eyes on me, eyebrows raised)
Me - How do I call people? and if I get a call how do I pick up?
AND THE CROWD WENT WILD!! Thought it was the funniest thing EVER!
Now just in-case you have never been dragged through Elderberry Hell it comes complete with a wee soft cleaning cloth. It was this wee innocuous item that saved my sanity.
I can clean! I'm a proficient cleaner!If there was an Olympic Cleaning Event I'd bring home GOLD for Scotland.
I do clean equally well here in the US but as I'm not yet a citizen, would not be allowed on Team USA... their loss!
I started cleaning the wee screen, with the wee cloth.
SB - What are ye doin?
Me - cleaning?
SB - Why?
Me - Because the wee feckin CLOTH is the only thing I know how to feckin USE!!!

and a HOHOHO Merry Christmas was had by few.
I'll get the Fat Guy back next year...

Saving the "unopened for a week" Kindle for another post!

P.S. Who in their right mind decides to call a phone a feckin BLACKBERRY anyway????

What Kind of Fool Am I - Sammy Davis

I had a couple of interactions today that I thought were rather amusing...

WT - Mom I need a mute for my Violin
Me - A what?
WT - A MUTE!
Me - Oh, ok where will I get one?
WT _ Any of the Music stores, I need it for that long piece we're playing at the Recital on Wednesday night.
Me - That doesn't give me much time to get one, can't you just stop playing?
WT - What? What do you mean "stop playing"?
Me - Well when it's time to use the mute thingy can you not just stop playing?
WT - MOMMY! It changes the TONE it's NOT like the mute button on the TV remote!!
Me - OH!

Going "Mute" shopping tomorrow...DUH!

Earlier at the Ranch chatting with the girlfriends about a Wedding SB and I are attending this coming Friday -

Cowgirl1 - So you all set for the Wedding on Friday?
Me - Yes I am!
Cowgirl1 - What are you wearing?
Me - Sue Wong in champagne and coral
Cowgirl1 - Sue who?
Me - Wong! You need to know your designer Dahling incase your interviewed on the red carpet and they ask who your wearing! *snigger*
Cowgirl2 (obviosly NOT paying attention)- So your dress is by Vera Wang... at Khols?
Me - NO it's by Sue Wong!
Cowgirl2 - Who the fuck is Sue Wong?
Cowgirl1 - Vera Wangs cousin?
Me - aye Sue works fer The Walmart! *sighs*

Pick Yourself Up - Jerome Kern

Bluddy Hell I'm back!
I've missed you all and I take full responsibility for going AWOL.
My best blogeroonies have by "chance" or choice stalked my sorry ass down on Face Book aka I have no life ( at least for me thats what it represents)
WAIT! Maybe I stalked them in a moment of lucidity free from the horrors of FB APPS!!

My blog buddies seem not to have succumbed to the EVIL that is Farmville, Mafia Wars, Frontierville etc etc.
I can now stand up in this crowded blog (hey a girl can dream! ) and say in a somewhat quivering voice ( still recovering for fuck sake! ) "My name is Fiona and I play FB games"
That was NOT easy you know?
It's a full time friggin job! Milk a cow here, plant some crops there, whack a few mobsters on the way and lets not forget the Zuma Blitz Frog! dinnae even ask...
Anyway I've picked myself up, dusted myself off and am starting all over again.
It feels good to be blogging again.

Baby Come Back by Player

SB is in Asia this week, best place for him.
Downside, I have to cook.
I can cook but choose not to, most of the time.
He on the other hand, well just lets say its like living with Julia feckin Child meets Gordon fuckin Ramsay.
He is a very good cook but oh the trail of devastation he leaves in his wake.
He's a Kitchen ABUSER.
No counter top is safe, the stove is a weak defenseless critter and the copper sink has never had the chance to evolve and Patina, such is his domination over it.
Poor wee sink.
He drips!
Yes he does!
It's nasty...
He abuses the sink and then drips EVERYWHERE!
The floor and cabinets take most of his drippyness - that's not a word, spell check is yelling at me with her rather sexy red dots, do I care? not one JOT!
Whilst I normally partake of delicacies beyond avarice, tonight I'm having frozen Mac and Cheese (microwave) BUT my Kitchen is GLEAMING!
I am surrounded by contented counters, a smiling stove, convivial cabinets, fanciful floors and a SPARKLING sink.
I'm feckin STARVING though!
Hurry back SB, the Kitchen NEEDS YOU!

Memories by Barbra Sriesand

Memory is a fickle companion.
Recently the most random recollections have popped to the forefront of the old gray matter.
Things I'd forgotten
I don't like it.
Memory stalker!
Today for example, I was talking to the kids about being sent out out play (all day) when I was only three years old. It was the norm way back then, loads of wee bairns running around the streets.
Woooosh up pops a memory , so vivid I think it must have had a full color done at the brain salon.
I'm three, maybe four but I don't think so...
I was to give a horse shoe to a neighbor who was getting married that day.
A uniquely Scottish custom?
Wee bairns give rather pretty silver plastic horseshoes to new brides as they exit the Church, for luck. It's quite the honour.
Mum was out and Dad sent me out to play at the swing park across the road.
Crossing roads wasn't really a problem, I think there were only about 5 cars total in a five mile radius.
At the park I remember there was an older girl. I asked her if she would lift me up into the "baby" swing. They were made of wood back in the day with a metal crossbar to hold you in.
She picked me up, plopped my ass in and feckin LEFT!
God only knows how long I hung there!
I was trapped!
The swing was designed to KEEP ME IN.
Not a bugger in sight to help me.
I needed to poop.
And I did.
I was definitely potty trained and you can hold a poop in for quite some time which leads me to believe I was hanging there for a few hours.
So now I'm trapped in POOP!
My Dad eventually decided to come looking for me.
My Knight in shining armor, NOT!
He was furious with wee Miss Poopy pants.
Again I don't know if this behavior is only Scottish but ALL parents (in the home and in public) not only spanked their kids but turned it into an art form with rhythmic yelling.
WHAT - spank - THE - spank - HELL - spank - DID - spank - YOU - spank - DO - spank -THAT - spank - FOR- spank ( rep chorus all the way home)
It was with a sparkly clean ass and red throbbing legs I handed the Bride her horseshoe to wish her luck...should have kept the fecker for myself, I was the more needy.
Aye...

Moving On Up by M People

Where was I?
Oh yes, boobs.
I had my first Victorias Secret experience a few weeks ago and what an experience it was!
Move over Wallyworld we're done.
It was fine while it lasted but you never enhanced me to my full potential.
BAD Walmart.

I only went to Victorias Secret to have the girls fitted ( daughters! ) and in a moment of abject misery, surrounded by beautiful lingerie and beautiful women I had a brain fart and decided to get myself measured to see if VS could "raise" me out of my despair.
I was indeed measured. The outcome?

I've been AUGMENTED!
I looked it up in the dictionary and it says - ( To make (something already developed or well under way) greater, as in size, extent, or quantity )

No Victorias Secret did NOT give me a 3rd boob.
My boobs are developed though and the term "under way" definatley applies
- thank you gravity for that one, you nasty, nasty piece of work.

My cup size went from "C" to "DD" with just one glance at a measuring tape.
Bluddy amazing...
They got me trussed up like a feckin chicken, started my credit card smoking
( Marlboro Lights up to 20 a day) and home I trotted with a rather pretty pink bag full of DD, did you get that? DD! bras.


Me - Ma boobs are afwy close tae ma chin! I'm no likin this.
SB - Eh?
Me - I SAID, Ma boobs are afwy close tae ma chin!
SB - I hate to tell you this but thats where they're supposed to be.
Me - Well I'm still no likin it *sighs*
SB - It'll take a while to get used to it I suppose, it's been a while.
Me - Are you sue this is where they're supposed to be?
SB - I'm sure

I'm still skeptical.
Got nice undies though!

Don't look back in anger - Oasis

Bluddy Hell...she's BACK
And inspired by the one and only DOLLY!
Listening to her tonight and thinking - my BLOG - WTF happened?
So, after my AWOL, here I find myself, in a relationship with "The Italian Stallion" Mr Pinot Grigio himself and missing all my blogpals.
Dinnae worry the SB is "alive and Kicking"
It's been one shit year.. but shit happens.
Here I am older,uglier,droopier (did I ever mention that I can sunbathe on my tummy and end up with BURNT nipples ? )
GIRD YOUR LOINS!
I NEVER take prisoners ;0)

Long Black Train by Yours Truly and SB

Yesterday was SB's birthday.
We had a lovely dinner, drank some beer, drank some wine, drank some more wine...
SB got his Guitar out and we proceeded to have a wee Party, just the two of us.
At some point we decided to get Scoots new Video Camera and tape ourselves, what a STUPID FECKIN IDEA!
I just got home from work about an hour ago and checked in on Facebook.
Guess what?
SB POSTED the Video.
OMG
I'm MORTIFIED!
I'm a You Tube!
Here it is...make of it what you will, just remember I was intoxifeckincated!



You may send condolences via Comments.
Thank you in advance.

Gone Fishin by Louis Armstrong and Bing Crosby

Whales...hmm
Crabs!
Another matter all together. (Oh behave!)
I've been watching more TV than is normal for me.
I'm so tired at the end of the day that all I want to do is plonk my fat ass down on the sofa and "veg" in front of the big screen.
I was rather dismayed to find that I actually enjoy reality shows.
NOT the ones about fat folk dating or dieting or both.
I have no sympathy. It's not difficult.
STOP feckin eating and exercise more!
You DO NOT have to make a spectacle of yourself on TV to be told this!
Oh and apparently the "camera" adds some lbs so your not doing yourself any favours...
Reality Shows.
Whale Wars and now The Deadliest Catch!
I think there must a seafaring gene in my makeup,lurking somewhere under my Lipstick and Mascara!
Crab Fishermen in the Bering Sea. I LOVE it.
These guys work in unbelievable conditions and I commend them.

The Little Old Lady From Pasadena by The Beach Boys

Sticking to the school theme, since that's what it's all about here, at the moment.
I'm sure the novelty will wane and it'll be back to the grind in a few weeks.
But school is on my mind at the moment and I recall one of my many cockups, here in the good old USA
It's only fair ( in my own defence, your Honour ) to remember that I had never "experienced" the US Educational System having been being born and brought up in "The Auld Country"
We have no KG, we don't talk about Grades, we have no Middle School and GPA is thought to be some form of Venereal Disease...so I've heard.
A few years ago I was driving around town, running errands and generally making a nuisance of myself, to other motorists and pedestrians alike.
I noticed the car in front of me ( as I waited impatiently at the traffic lights, hmmm there's a blog in it's own right - * note to self * ) had GO SENIORS written on the back window.
Awww I'm thinking, must be a pensioners day trip.
See! I had learned that pensioners were referred to as Seniors here, I'm all about learning the language of the country I live in!
I carry on, my weary way, cars honking and pedestrians scattering as I try desperately to remember to drive on the "WRONG" side of the road!
There's another car, and another, veritable plethera of cars all running around town with GO SENIORS plastered on the back windshields.
Now I'm thinking...hmmm lot's of elderly folks out for the day, must be a reunion or something?
A car speeds past me, doing at least 40mph (bluddy showoffs!)
This one has SENIORS RULE, well, why not?
These American pensioners are pretty cool!
I noted a SENIORS ROCK, SENIORS ARE AWESOME, SOUND SENIORS etc
I'm smiling at this point, America is indeed a wonderful country, all these old folks having fun!
As I approached another set of lights I see more writing coming towards me, SENIORS ARE THE SHIT, oh my! That's a car load of bad grannies!
SUPER SEXY SENIORS! it's getting a wee bit out of control!
DON'T FUCK WITH SENIORS! now I'm NOT smiling.
I don't know what to think, I arrive home a wee bit perturbed. It's weighing on me, this whole elderly outing day.
I managed a Residential Home for the Elderly back in Scotland for 10 years and had never seen the likes of this. Would I never understand the cultural differences between home and here?
That night.
ME - I saw the strangest thing today
SB- Hmmm ( he does that, when he couldn't give a monkeys arse about what I'm saying)
ME - Yes! All these old folks were having a day trip in town
SB - Hmmm
ME- The back windows of the cars they must have been going in, were covered in writing
SB - sighs - Hmmm
ME - Well some of the writing was a bit over the top for old folk,
I think the drivers must have done it and it was really quite offensive.
I've been thinking about it all day and I'm going toreport it to the
authorities! It's just not right having Grannies and Grandpas being driven
around in cars with things like that written all over the bluddy glass!
SB - What?
I proceed to tell him.
He starts to giggle, the giggle turns into a silent laugh which very quickly becomes a guffaw!
ME - SB! It's NOT funny! I'm talking about the Elderly here for feck sake!
SB - Darlin...
ME - DINNAE DARLIN ME!
More laughter
SB - Darlin...
ME - ( seriously pissed off ) What?
SB - Well, you see, High School kids in this country...
ME - What about them? What on Gods green earth ( I say that - a lot) do High School
kids have to do with what I'm telling you?
You know, I don't think you even listen to me!
SB - High School Kids...
ME - WTF ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL KIDS?
SB - Well this is the last week off school.
ME -
SB - and kids in the last year of High School
ME -
SB - They're called Seniors
ME - oh! *giggles* oh! *laughs* oh my! *guffaws and snorts*

Ive got it now though- Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior, not a granny in sight!

Act Naturally by Buck Owens

The morning of Day 3 "Girls back to school"
The house has become a Beauty Salon between the hours of 6:30 and 7:30 a.m.
Hair, make-up, camera, action!
Screams pitched high enough to pierce any wayward clouds.
Brawls in the bathroom and a wee bit hair pulling just to add injury to the insults.
WTF happened?
I know it's only going to get worse...
Bluddy pre-teens and teenagers.
Mother ( moi!) meanwhile has developed a severe case of "senior" pimples and the bags under the eyes are having a party with the chin hairs, which sprung into life overnight!
Daughters 1 and 2 catwalk out to the car.
Each contending for Americas/Scotlands next Top Model, as I skulk behind, hoping the neighbors are not bearing witness to my demise.
The one saving grace, is that Scoot and I get to spend the next couple of weeks together before his School starts back.
A few months ago he started to ask for Videos. He NEVER asks for anything, I don't count Pizza and Burger King in that statement!
I started to order the tapes he wanted and in due course he had amassed 30 or so.
Not one of them went anywhere near the Video Player!
They were/are stacked in piles, in order, next to his bed.
WTF?
He's never displayed this type of behavior, you know, the lining up, OCD stuff that is quite commonly related to Autism.
I was really quite concerned. Should I be feeding into this?
August 11th is the twins Birthday. The Child Iseult and Scoot were to be 14.
Around the end of July I started to ask them what they would like as a present.
With no hesitation Scoot tells me he wants a Video Camera!
Bizarre request from him to say the least.
Or so I thought, until...
The dim wee candle in my mushy brain flared up!
Of course, that was it!
For quite some time Scoot has been watching youtube and recently happened upon
AUBRYMAN62187.
Scoot just LOVES watching these clips. I have no clue how he found them. Interesting...
BUT it all made sense.
ME - Scoot are you going to make videos of your Video Tapes
SCOOT - YES ( grinning and giggling )
He's got the Tapes, he's got the Camera, he's working on the dialogue, I'll keep you all posted on the new, upcoming You Tube release!
Oh and Thank you Aubreyman,thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Paper Trail by TI

I'm here. Of course I'm not annoyed @ MIKE.
You just want me to keep on having to tell you I love you! Bad Mike!

The girls started back at School today. The Child Iseult to High School (Freshman) and WT into 5th Grade. Scoot is off now for 2 weeks having completed 6 weeks of Summer School. The three of them are like a bluddy Tag Team.
This feckin School System drives me to drink!
I could walk but I don't like to sway and stagger in public!
Every year.
I repeat (for the hard of hearing) EVERY FECKIN YEAR. I used FECKIN because I'm incensed and using the F adjective seems to release endorphins. See, already I feel less pained.
Student information.
Name, address, age, grade, parents, phone numbers, doctor, dentist, emergency contacts, etc
Great!
Seven bits of paper, all different colours (pretty).
BUT EVERY FECKIN YEAR?
Correct me if I'm a total feckin Eejit but would it not be easier to call OR email and ask " any changes since last year? "
You see, that would mean me saying "No" three times OR typing No three times.
FECKIN piece of cake!
But Oh no no no. Lets employ someone to copy all these papers this year AGAIN ( all different colours remember, so a wee bit more time consuming) employ someone to staple them all and make them into lovely wee packets.
I then get to go and pick them up.
Then best of all I get to WASTE my feckin time AGAIN filling out the same shyte I've been filling out for 5 years! 5 years x 3 kids...OH feck it, do the math!
OH OH and lets not forget!
Someone has to DESTROY all of last years information!
BECAUSE IT WAS THE FECKIN SAME!
The Schools have no money.
WT came home this afternoon with a book of Coupons she has been asked to sell for fund raising at $30 a pop.
If the school had not destroyed duplicate information for five consecutive years...
Hell the cost of bluddy staples would cover the $30!
There, I feel much better now.
I'm glad I waited a week prior to posting this, I can only imagine the expletive explosion had I written whilst REALLY annoyed.
There are more tirades lined up waiting their turn but I have made an executive decision, not to post anything with more than 10 fecks/feckin/Eejit.
Aye, we'll see how long that rule lasts...

Don't Fish in My Sea by Ma Rainey

Whale Wars!



I stumbled upon this intriguing series... literally
I'd had a couple of bottles of wine, bottles? glasses?
I do, hazily recall, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass...
I was arsing around with On Demand at some point, having poured a glass of wine, when Whale Wars appeared, like Magic it was!.
I don't know if any of you have seen the show, if not, I have no intention of giving an "in depth" account. See me going all nautical there?
Suffice to say it's about a bunch of Wackos, collectively known as the Sea Shepherds. They are on a boat, somewhere feckin FREEZING, trying to stop Japanese Whaling Ships from killing Whales.
All very commendable. Yes?

I'm all about saving animals, it's pretty much what I do.
I saved two of my horses from a life of eternal catatonia.
Two more, who had just been given up on and the last one would have been on a plate in a French Restaurant for sure had I not paid the princely sum of $650 for her.
Both of my dogs are rescues.
Banjo from the pound and Fiddle from some spaced out,aging, Wiccan Wifie, who had fed him so much the poor wee bugger could barely walk.
So you see, animals play a huge part in my life and if I could, I would save them all.

But FISH?
BIG FECKIN FISH? ( I know, I know they're mammals and all that )
BIG FECKIN FISH, IN THE SEA?
BIG FECKIN "WILD" FISH IN THE SEA?
Mental is what it is...
Fish are Fishy Fer Feck SAKE!
To sign a waiver, stating that you are "aware you may DIE" trying to save FISH?
I just do not get it...
So I'll shut up and settle down to watch the next episode, it's really rather good.

All Summer "LONG" by Kid Rock

It's August.
My pendulous breasts are swinging and slapping as normal, so nothing new there.
Thanks MIKE darlin!
What a feckin summer this has been!
No thats not right and is just asking for a Mike/Bilbo/John/LA smart "bum" comment! Rephrase * What a Summer this has feckin been!
There, I think thats better...time will tell.
I apologise for not being my usual "ardent blog reader" and promise to try and catch up asap!
Following many a schizophrenic episode, I concluded that if I were a writer, I could come in here and excuse myself as having had writers block.
Since I am not a writer and only punt out twaddle, I have to say I have been suffering from Twaddle Block!
Does that read better as one word?
Lets see shall we?
Twaddleblock.
I LIKE that! A new cuss word perhaps?
Go feck yerself TWADDLEBLOCK!
Oh yes! I feel the Twaddle rushing to the surface, even as I type furiously with both index fingers.
Twaddle is not easy, a brain, even one cell, totally disturbs it's natural, random, growth.
As Summer nears it's conclusion and my brain shuts down for Fall, Winter and Spring, a veritable influx of Twaddle is rising, rising into the cavity where once reigned sanity.
Holy humping badgers, I'm even becoming Poetic!
Who knows where this may lead?
Assume crash position people!

Sinking by Gwen Stefani

Honey I'm HOME!
My wee vacation on Facebook was rather nice.
She is not nearly as demanding as old "Bloggy" here!
Vacation over and back to the serious business of Blogging...
So much has happened over the last few weeks I should have plenty to tell you and I DO!
So fasten your seat belts, keep your hands by your sides and under no circumstances stand up. Unless your driving a car, then hands would be useful but you need to sign a disclaimer.
The Kitchen.
The kitchen has been remodeled.
THAT was an experience I hope never to have to live through again - EVER
I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
Living with no kitchen for a week will put even the sanest member of society over the edge and I'm Wacko on a good day.
The cabinet guys were... interesting?
One clean cut Hispanic with some powerful tools, the other an aging hippie who just kinda hung around for a week in my kitchen from whence there arose some aromas. Kept the kids and dogs in a nice quiet haze of tranquility...nuff said.
The Granite guys stole the show though.
Two teeny wee Hispanics wrestling with slabs of solid Granite is NOT funny. They almost took out Scoot and missed my kitchen light by the hair of a Test-aye-cal!
Why would you employ the most feeble Mexicans from Mexico to install Granite? MENTAL!
I had to revive them with water!
No way I was calling 911 to report 2 dead Hispanics in my feckin kitchen!
After around half an hour of recovery time they started in on slab No2, poor wee buggers...
They barely survived and left wheezing,gasping,sweating,a lot hot under the collar.
Ta da my new kitchen!
Sink
I'd convinced SB that a copper sink would be beautiful.
SB being the good husband that he is went with it.
Sure enough the copper sink with the black/antique copper counters looked smashing!
Until the water was hooked up and the sink had to take on it's role of being a FECKIN KITCHEN SINK!
Patina
PATINA
Why did I not know this?
Why did the thought not even cross my mind?
Copper = PATINA
The instant water hit the fecker...PATINA
I can't look at it!
SB has to give me a daily update when I ask "How's the FECKER looking this morning"
Investigation lead me to a leaflet in the box the sink came in...
"DO NOT PANIC for the first few weeks following the installation of your sink!"
PANIC? I'm sounding like a Chihuahua giving birth to a litter of feckin porcupines!
"You new sink will take time to naturally evolve"
EVOLVE? Evolution, Hmmmm...of a feckin SINK!
Shattered, is what I am.
Sometimes SB should tell me to bugger off when I have smart ass ideas, he really should.