Saturday, August 29, 2009

Long Black Train by Yours Truly and SB

Yesterday was SB's birthday.
We had a lovely dinner, drank some beer, drank some wine, drank some more wine...
SB got his Guitar out and we proceeded to have a wee Party, just the two of us.
At some point we decided to get Scoots new Video Camera and tape ourselves, what a STUPID FECKIN IDEA!
I just got home from work about an hour ago and checked in on Facebook.
Guess what?
SB POSTED the Video.
I'm a You Tube!
Here it is...make of it what you will, just remember I was intoxifeckincated!

You may send condolences via Comments.
Thank you in advance.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Gone Fishin by Louis Armstrong and Bing Crosby

Another matter all together. (Oh behave!)
I've been watching more TV than is normal for me.
I'm so tired at the end of the day that all I want to do is plonk my fat ass down on the sofa and "veg" in front of the big screen.
I was rather dismayed to find that I actually enjoy reality shows.
NOT the ones about fat folk dating or dieting or both.
I have no sympathy. It's not difficult.
STOP feckin eating and exercise more!
You DO NOT have to make a spectacle of yourself on TV to be told this!
Oh and apparently the "camera" adds some lbs so your not doing yourself any favours...
Reality Shows.
Whale Wars and now The Deadliest Catch!
I think there must a seafaring gene in my makeup,lurking somewhere under my Lipstick and Mascara!
Crab Fishermen in the Bering Sea. I LOVE it.
These guys work in unbelievable conditions and I commend them.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Little Old Lady From Pasadena by The Beach Boys

Sticking to the school theme, since that's what it's all about here, at the moment.
I'm sure the novelty will wane and it'll be back to the grind in a few weeks.
But school is on my mind at the moment and I recall one of my many cockups, here in the good old USA
It's only fair ( in my own defence, your Honour ) to remember that I had never "experienced" the US Educational System having been being born and brought up in "The Auld Country"
We have no KG, we don't talk about Grades, we have no Middle School and GPA is thought to be some form of Venereal I've heard.
A few years ago I was driving around town, running errands and generally making a nuisance of myself, to other motorists and pedestrians alike.
I noticed the car in front of me ( as I waited impatiently at the traffic lights, hmmm there's a blog in it's own right - * note to self * ) had GO SENIORS written on the back window.
Awww I'm thinking, must be a pensioners day trip.
See! I had learned that pensioners were referred to as Seniors here, I'm all about learning the language of the country I live in!
I carry on, my weary way, cars honking and pedestrians scattering as I try desperately to remember to drive on the "WRONG" side of the road!
There's another car, and another, veritable plethera of cars all running around town with GO SENIORS plastered on the back windshields.
Now I'm thinking...hmmm lot's of elderly folks out for the day, must be a reunion or something?
A car speeds past me, doing at least 40mph (bluddy showoffs!)
This one has SENIORS RULE, well, why not?
These American pensioners are pretty cool!
I'm smiling at this point, America is indeed a wonderful country, all these old folks having fun!
As I approached another set of lights I see more writing coming towards me, SENIORS ARE THE SHIT, oh my! That's a car load of bad grannies!
SUPER SEXY SENIORS! it's getting a wee bit out of control!
I don't know what to think, I arrive home a wee bit perturbed. It's weighing on me, this whole elderly outing day.
I managed a Residential Home for the Elderly back in Scotland for 10 years and had never seen the likes of this. Would I never understand the cultural differences between home and here?
That night.
ME - I saw the strangest thing today
SB- Hmmm ( he does that, when he couldn't give a monkeys arse about what I'm saying)
ME - Yes! All these old folks were having a day trip in town
SB - Hmmm
ME- The back windows of the cars they must have been going in, were covered in writing
SB - sighs - Hmmm
ME - Well some of the writing was a bit over the top for old folk,
I think the drivers must have done it and it was really quite offensive.
I've been thinking about it all day and I'm going toreport it to the
authorities! It's just not right having Grannies and Grandpas being driven
around in cars with things like that written all over the bluddy glass!
SB - What?
I proceed to tell him.
He starts to giggle, the giggle turns into a silent laugh which very quickly becomes a guffaw!
ME - SB! It's NOT funny! I'm talking about the Elderly here for feck sake!
SB - Darlin...
More laughter
SB - Darlin...
ME - ( seriously pissed off ) What?
SB - Well, you see, High School kids in this country...
ME - What about them? What on Gods green earth ( I say that - a lot) do High School
kids have to do with what I'm telling you?
You know, I don't think you even listen to me!
SB - High School Kids...
SB - Well this is the last week off school.
ME -
SB - and kids in the last year of High School
ME -
SB - They're called Seniors
ME - oh! *giggles* oh! *laughs* oh my! *guffaws and snorts*

Ive got it now though- Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior, not a granny in sight!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Act Naturally by Buck Owens

The morning of Day 3 "Girls back to school"
The house has become a Beauty Salon between the hours of 6:30 and 7:30 a.m.
Hair, make-up, camera, action!
Screams pitched high enough to pierce any wayward clouds.
Brawls in the bathroom and a wee bit hair pulling just to add injury to the insults.
WTF happened?
I know it's only going to get worse...
Bluddy pre-teens and teenagers.
Mother ( moi!) meanwhile has developed a severe case of "senior" pimples and the bags under the eyes are having a party with the chin hairs, which sprung into life overnight!
Daughters 1 and 2 catwalk out to the car.
Each contending for Americas/Scotlands next Top Model, as I skulk behind, hoping the neighbors are not bearing witness to my demise.
The one saving grace, is that Scoot and I get to spend the next couple of weeks together before his School starts back.
A few months ago he started to ask for Videos. He NEVER asks for anything, I don't count Pizza and Burger King in that statement!
I started to order the tapes he wanted and in due course he had amassed 30 or so.
Not one of them went anywhere near the Video Player!
They were/are stacked in piles, in order, next to his bed.
He's never displayed this type of behavior, you know, the lining up, OCD stuff that is quite commonly related to Autism.
I was really quite concerned. Should I be feeding into this?
August 11th is the twins Birthday. The Child Iseult and Scoot were to be 14.
Around the end of July I started to ask them what they would like as a present.
With no hesitation Scoot tells me he wants a Video Camera!
Bizarre request from him to say the least.
Or so I thought, until...
The dim wee candle in my mushy brain flared up!
Of course, that was it!
For quite some time Scoot has been watching youtube and recently happened upon
Scoot just LOVES watching these clips. I have no clue how he found them. Interesting...
BUT it all made sense.
ME - Scoot are you going to make videos of your Video Tapes
SCOOT - YES ( grinning and giggling )
He's got the Tapes, he's got the Camera, he's working on the dialogue, I'll keep you all posted on the new, upcoming You Tube release!
Oh and Thank you Aubreyman,thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Paper Trail by TI

I'm here. Of course I'm not annoyed @ MIKE.
You just want me to keep on having to tell you I love you! Bad Mike!

The girls started back at School today. The Child Iseult to High School (Freshman) and WT into 5th Grade. Scoot is off now for 2 weeks having completed 6 weeks of Summer School. The three of them are like a bluddy Tag Team.
This feckin School System drives me to drink!
I could walk but I don't like to sway and stagger in public!
Every year.
I repeat (for the hard of hearing) EVERY FECKIN YEAR. I used FECKIN because I'm incensed and using the F adjective seems to release endorphins. See, already I feel less pained.
Student information.
Name, address, age, grade, parents, phone numbers, doctor, dentist, emergency contacts, etc
Seven bits of paper, all different colours (pretty).
Correct me if I'm a total feckin Eejit but would it not be easier to call OR email and ask " any changes since last year? "
You see, that would mean me saying "No" three times OR typing No three times.
FECKIN piece of cake!
But Oh no no no. Lets employ someone to copy all these papers this year AGAIN ( all different colours remember, so a wee bit more time consuming) employ someone to staple them all and make them into lovely wee packets.
I then get to go and pick them up.
Then best of all I get to WASTE my feckin time AGAIN filling out the same shyte I've been filling out for 5 years! 5 years x 3 kids...OH feck it, do the math!
OH OH and lets not forget!
Someone has to DESTROY all of last years information!
The Schools have no money.
WT came home this afternoon with a book of Coupons she has been asked to sell for fund raising at $30 a pop.
If the school had not destroyed duplicate information for five consecutive years...
Hell the cost of bluddy staples would cover the $30!
There, I feel much better now.
I'm glad I waited a week prior to posting this, I can only imagine the expletive explosion had I written whilst REALLY annoyed.
There are more tirades lined up waiting their turn but I have made an executive decision, not to post anything with more than 10 fecks/feckin/Eejit.
Aye, we'll see how long that rule lasts...

Monday, August 10, 2009

Don't Fish in My Sea by Ma Rainey

Whale Wars!

I stumbled upon this intriguing series... literally
I'd had a couple of bottles of wine, bottles? glasses?
I do, hazily recall, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass...
I was arsing around with On Demand at some point, having poured a glass of wine, when Whale Wars appeared, like Magic it was!.
I don't know if any of you have seen the show, if not, I have no intention of giving an "in depth" account. See me going all nautical there?
Suffice to say it's about a bunch of Wackos, collectively known as the Sea Shepherds. They are on a boat, somewhere feckin FREEZING, trying to stop Japanese Whaling Ships from killing Whales.
All very commendable. Yes?

I'm all about saving animals, it's pretty much what I do.
I saved two of my horses from a life of eternal catatonia.
Two more, who had just been given up on and the last one would have been on a plate in a French Restaurant for sure had I not paid the princely sum of $650 for her.
Both of my dogs are rescues.
Banjo from the pound and Fiddle from some spaced out,aging, Wiccan Wifie, who had fed him so much the poor wee bugger could barely walk.
So you see, animals play a huge part in my life and if I could, I would save them all.

BIG FECKIN FISH? ( I know, I know they're mammals and all that )
Mental is what it is...
Fish are Fishy Fer Feck SAKE!
To sign a waiver, stating that you are "aware you may DIE" trying to save FISH?
I just do not get it...
So I'll shut up and settle down to watch the next episode, it's really rather good.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

All Summer "LONG" by Kid Rock

It's August.
My pendulous breasts are swinging and slapping as normal, so nothing new there.
Thanks MIKE darlin!
What a feckin summer this has been!
No thats not right and is just asking for a Mike/Bilbo/John/LA smart "bum" comment! Rephrase * What a Summer this has feckin been!
There, I think thats better...time will tell.
I apologise for not being my usual "ardent blog reader" and promise to try and catch up asap!
Following many a schizophrenic episode, I concluded that if I were a writer, I could come in here and excuse myself as having had writers block.
Since I am not a writer and only punt out twaddle, I have to say I have been suffering from Twaddle Block!
Does that read better as one word?
Lets see shall we?
I LIKE that! A new cuss word perhaps?
Go feck yerself TWADDLEBLOCK!
Oh yes! I feel the Twaddle rushing to the surface, even as I type furiously with both index fingers.
Twaddle is not easy, a brain, even one cell, totally disturbs it's natural, random, growth.
As Summer nears it's conclusion and my brain shuts down for Fall, Winter and Spring, a veritable influx of Twaddle is rising, rising into the cavity where once reigned sanity.
Holy humping badgers, I'm even becoming Poetic!
Who knows where this may lead?
Assume crash position people!