Friday, October 31, 2008

We Are Family by Sister Sledge

Happy Halloween
Boo Pictures, Images and Photos
Ok, lame, lame, lame I can but agree.

I started digging into my family history last year in the misguided hope of discovering some ancestral link which would justify my rebellious tendencies.
Me and Willy Wallace, have to be related, it's the only explanation.
Wm Wallace Pictures, Images and Photos
AND you can see the Mel Gibson lookielikee can't you!
Cost a bloody fortune to do the research.
I have to pay the Scottish Records Office lots of dollars to look at birth, marriage and death certificates on line.
They don't make it easy, believe me.
(Rewrite) They don't make the research easy, they do however make paying for it as easy as one click of an "Enter" key.
It's daylight robbery, evening thievery, night time they've got you big time, glass of vino in one hand, clicking that "Ent" key with the other, like a demented chicken pecking Willys' eyes out and to hell with the credit card bill.
On a few occassions waking up and wondering who the feck "Angus McTavish" was and why the hell I'd spent $50 on him.
If any of you dear readers know a "McTavish" point them over here, they're feck all to do with me and I want reimbursed!
Actually it was a lot of fun and I turned up some interesting ( if not, Wallace Family Origin) facts.
1.More unwed grannies than you could shake a stick at!
2.Couple of shot-gun weddings referred to as "Marriage by Sheriff Warrant"
3. Every single male on both sides until the 1920's worked with horses, it must be in
my genes :)
4. No family member on either side moved out with a 20mile radius from 1637-1951.
5. 1637 was as far back as I could get.
scotland Pictures, Images and Photos
(We never moved out of the Wee Scottie Dogs Head. Can you see it? A prize for anyone who can! )
Pre 1600 marriage records become parish entries and do not have the names of the couples parents thus the task becomes more convoluted and I'm too poor to care.
When I manage to pay off the ginormous credit card bills, I'll resume my research.
Only between 8a.m and 5p.m though...yeah right, look out McTavish I'll be back.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

King of Fools by Buck Owens

This morning was a nightmare, well hell it's almost Halloween so what else would you expect.Just watch me go from composed to NOT!
halloween witch Pictures, Images and Photos
halloween witch Pictures, Images and Photos
The girls have Halloween parades at school and are were getting ready.
WT is a Devil/Angel with the half and half thing going on.
devil and angel cake Pictures, Images and Photos

I get my hairdressing hands on her and straighten the side that is the Devil then curl the side of the Angel.
She pops on her Halo/Horns and runs downstairs to show "Daddy" how cute/scary she is.
WT- Daddy ,daddy look at me!
Eejit - I think you better get mom to fix your hair it's all discombobulated this morning.
WT lets out a wail that would shame a Banshee. Inconsolable.
Nice one Dad!
The Child Iseult is of an age where she doesn't know what the hell she wants but decides last night to dress up as a "Metro" fan. Her Idea is to wear the shirt, buttons and jewelry then slap duct tape with Metro Fan written on it, all over her jeans. What the hell do I know? She's delighted with her idea so that's good yes?.
metro Pictures, Images and Photos
I help her with the jewels and she runs downstairs to ask "daddy" for Duct tape.duct tape Pictures, Images and Photos
TCI - Daddy can I have some Duct tape
Eejit - What do you need Duct tape for?
TCI - I'm dressing up as a Metro fan
Eejit - And what does Duct tape have to do with it? I don't get it.
TCI - (lungs exploding) YOU DON'T GET ANYTHING!
Running upstairs stripping off jewels, shirt and buttons.
Tears in the bathroom, "I hate him!" She's yelling it and I'm thinking ditto kiddo.
Honestly the dog has more sense!

It's taken me a month to convince Scoot that he really does NOT want to be "Dorothy" for Halloween. Why not be the Scarecrow, The Lion or the Tin Man?
the wizard of oz Pictures, Images and Photos
His latest catchphrase is "I don't want to". Which is kinda cute and I'm sure his teachers spent many painstaking hours making sure he understood when to use it appropriately but when he starts "stimming" it , whew...
Me - Would you like to be the Scarecrow?
Scoot - I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to etc etc etc this could go on for up to 15 mins.
Anyhoo that was just setting the scene. I'd convinced him to be the Scarecrow.
So I'm upstairs trying to console a Devil/Angel and an erstwhile Metro fan when I hear this!
Eejit- What are you going to dress up as for Halloween Scoot?
Scoot - Dorothy
Eejit - Oh ok.
Back to the drawing board on that one.
I only have 24hrs to work my magic, wish me luck!
I've concocted a spell for the sex bomb too...
Funny Halloween Witch Toon Pictures, Images and Photos

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Return to Sender by Elvis

Halloween Funny Pictures, Images and Photos

I've tried , Lord knows I've tried but my kids keep being returned, I reckon they must be out of date or sour or something...

Note to self :- buy children a shit load of toiletries and force them to pouff and pamper prior to Friday.

Second note to self: ease up on the feckin huge schnoz this year!

Dream Lover by Bobby Darin

I think I am perfectly correct in assuming that we all dream.
I know I do, not often mind you but when I dream I really feckin DREAM.
dream theater Pictures, Images and Photos
Same dream, different actresses but the leading man is always the Sex Bomb.
This dream is so vivid that I react in the following manner:-
1. The sex bomb gets elbowed in the stomach as soon as I wake up ( he's usually still sleeping)
2. " " " " kicked, wherever " " " " " " " " " "
3. punched wherever
4. verbally abused
These reactions are subsequently supported by my not speaking to him for anything up to 2 hours.
Why the violence?
Why indeed.
Dirty wee shyte that he is!
Deserves everything he gets.
He does not repudiate my accusations, he acquiesces, looking all shame faced, whining "What did I do?"
Not to mention his whole "pillow condition" which justifies everything!
Actually, to be fair,not so much these days. Now it's more of a resigned "Who was it this time?"

So there you have it dearest reader.
I once read somewhere that emotional dreams prepare you for waking scenarios. That fear, anguish, dread etc are not "usual " daily emotions but should they arise, dreams make us more capable of dealing with them.
I am 100% sure that the sex bomb will NEVER have an affair.
You see what he gets when I dream about it, can you imagine if it was the real deal?
Cheating Skydiver Pictures, Images and Photos
Lovies xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Waiting Game by Rachel Stevens

Took the day off blogging yesterday to compose myself.

COMPOSE : verb,
-posed, -pos⋅ing. –verb (used with object)
1. to make or form by combining things, parts, or elements: He composed his speech from many research notes.
2. to be or constitute a part or element of: a rich sauce composed of many ingredients.
3. to make up or form the basis of: Style composes the essence of good writing.
4. to put or dispose in proper form or order: to compose laws into a coherent system.
5. Art. to organize the parts or elements of (a picture or the like).
6. to create (a musical, literary, or choreographic work).
7. to end or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.): The union and management composed their differences.
8. to bring (oneself, one's mind, etc.) to a condition of calmness, repose, etc.; calm; quiet.
9. Printing.
a. to set (type).
b. to set type for (an article, book, etc.).

Compose is good word. I like compose! I will use it now at every opportunity.

I had to compose myself because I was insane.
funny kamio icon Pictures, Images and Photos
Plopped my wee bum in the car, stuck the *explitive* pink *explitive(er)* in my lug and waited and waited and sighed and waited, no-one *explitive* called me!

Get out of the car and guess *explitive(en)* what?
beep beep, beep beep, in my lug ( which I might add is red raw and puffy today!)
I did not pick up.
You were all told. Only call when I'm in my car. It's not difficult. A simple request.
I'm beginning to think I need smarter friends.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Call Me by Blondie

Yesterday heralded the arrival of my new cell phone and something called a Bluetooth?
I've been grouching and complaining since the powers that be decided talking on the phone and driving a car were incompatible.
It's the only place I DO talk on the phone, I'm not busy, I'm driving.
I have phone phobia. I do not like them. I do not like it when my phone rings.
I'm fine when I make a call but get rather irate when other people call me.
I don't know what the hell my problem is.
I like people, I am a social animal, when I get started you can't shut me up.
E-mails I like. I can choose when to read them and when to respond.
Maybe it's an age thing you know? Growing up in the "pre-cell" era when voice mail didn't exist and personal space was just that "personal"
No bluddy phone ringing in your purse when you are standing in line at Wally World becoming more and more pissed off because the wee ancient wumman in front of you is quibbling about a 25cents off coupon which the cashier says is out of date and judging by the condition of the coupon ( a crumpled wad with some yeughy stains on it) it's a no contest.
funny old lady Pictures, Images and Photos
I'm hot, frazzled, checking my timepiece realising I have to be home for Scoots bus in 10 minutes, wee old wumman is verging on violent, cashier is loosing her cool and off goes my phone. I don't pick up. I would loose ALL of my friends.
Friend - Hi how are you? ( all smiley like)
Me - What the *expletive* do you *expletive* want for *expletive* sake?
( thank you Wird for switching off the vacuum cleaner dear)
My friends get it, I hope! when some weeks I go phone AWOL.
So now I have a thing that I have to stick in my lug (lug=ear) to enable "on route" conversations.
The sex bomb put me through an intensive training program which I thought was a wee bit ridiculous but he assures me was necessary for safety reasons. Didn't want me crashing the car whilst trying to figure out the mechanics of my latest gadget.
Buletooth 101 as follows:-
Sit opposite each other at the kitchen table.
Stick wee gadget in lug. Feels horrible, I do not like things stuck in my lug. I know this now.
Press wee button on wee gadget till I hear a beep. I do not like things stuck in my
lug that go BEEP.
Sex bomb calls me.
Music in my lug, I do not like this AT ALL.
I press the wee button again and there he is talking to me. I do not like the sex bomb in my lug...period.
He assures me that I will learn to like it. I am not convinced.
In any case I do not have a bluetooth, mine is pink.
me- why are you calling it a bluetooth when it's pink?
sb- shaking head, despair written all over his face.
PINK H500 Pictures, Images and Photos
pink cell phone Pictures, Images and Photos
Me, my new pink cellphone and my pinktooth are about to take to the road.
Call me dear friends, if I am in the car I promise I'll pick up!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Stupid Girl by The Stones

For those of you, you know who you are, who did not catch on to the fact that I have been sweating blood...bad
naming all of my post titles after song titles, clarification has been achieved, at least for this month.
Mwwwaaaaaaaa Love you a bad kinda way xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Forever Young - by Alphaville

I know that I have discussed my "hair issues" previously The Age of Aquarius but since my friend The Abbot has "Highlighted" hair, I'm "dying" to give you a "snippet" asked for it Mike and Bilbo :-)
I have been to the hairdresser once in the last five years.
My hair was down to my waist and feeling in a charitable mood ( or maybe I'd had a few too many Taliskers)
whiskey Pictures, Images and Photos
I decided to donate it to Locks of Love.
I cried, I admit it, bawled like a baby.
monkeys bad hair day lol Pictures, Images and Photos
Whilst ensconced in the chair, uncomfortably ensconced (is that possible?)awaiting my fate, which is resting in the hands of what looks to me like a 12 year old, drop dead gorgeous, "bubble head" brandishing sharp implements and making comforting? noises...
You'll be fine. I've done this loads of times. You're making the right decision.
I try to take my mind off of the surgical incision, taking place out with my field of vision by reading a wee card, placed stratigically on "her" mirror, reads as follows:
Botox- $7 per vial.
funny!!! Pictures, Images and Photos
Me- Wow I had no idea that Botox was so cheap. $7 is a great price.
Hellion Hairdresser -Yep $7 is a pretty good deal.
Me - I think I might give it a try, with the haircut and all, go for a full make over.
Hellion Hairdresser - Oh honey you'd be looking at at least $600 worth of Botox...smiling
Do the math reader.
That's a lot of pricks!
Not for me I'm afraid, one prick is fine, two are just one too many.

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Tide Is High by Blondie

I've never done particularly well in water.
It's wet.
If god had meant us to be immersed in water he'd have given us gills or fins or some other fishy thing to make it easy. Six years of swimming lessons do not count.
Money down the drain.
Hey that was a wee bit funny.
Drain, water, oh hell forget it.
I paddle in the sea. There are bad things, big bad fishy things in there for feck sake, why would you want to go any deeper than your tootsies?
I've recently uncovered some really weird shyte going on in the water, large fish are the least of my problems these days.
Get this
My Name is Odin Pictures, Images and Photos
And that's not the best bit!
"after he was weaned, his British trainer, Lee Munro, discovered his remarkable skill. 'He makes a ferocious face - and it's actually to close his nostrils to stop the water from going into his nose"
HA, HA, friggin feckin HA, do I really look THAT stupid?
"Oh yes he's just plugging his nose, nothing to concern yourself with."
Oh okay great, I'll just dive in and do a few FECKIN laps then shall I?
Then just when I thought I'd seen it all...
Dolphin Cow Pictures, Images and Photos
Oh yes dear reader even the "Coo" has taken to the deep.
Feckin Flipper meet Feckin Flora.
Not only am I now to be terrified of big feckin fish, I have to beware of feckin ferocious faced tigers and Moooove over there's a stampede of feckin floras on the loose.
I am going now to take a shower. Safe water.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Let's Get Physical by ONJ

I'm intrigued.
Went to Wally world today to buy a new pillows for the sex bomb.
God only knows what he does to his pillows, I'm just relieved that he takes his frustrations out on them and not me. Mangled is what they are. Mauled and floppy.
Can\'t Sleep Pictures, Images and Photos
Wally World has a vast pillow selection at prices varying from $5 to $25.
No way I'm spending $25 on a sacrificial pillow or two.
Here's the intriguing bit. Not only do pillows come in soft, medium, firm and extra firm they are also designed "best for side sleepers", "best for tummy sleepers" and " best for back sleepers"
Given his pillow aerobics he needs the feckin whole shebang!
And that is just what the wee shyte got!
The Wandering Cowboy is leering over my shoulder suggesting a Hammock for SB.
Me - but then where would I go?
Him- hang it over the bed
Me - oh yes, just so he feels superior?
Him- no honey no-one feels superior when you're around
Me - Feck off , just feck off okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll keep you informed of the "new pillow" condition. Hell if they were small rodents I'd have to call Animal Control !
The sex bomb giving them a nightly work out and all!!
tracy Pictures, Images and Photos

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Bad Things by Jace Everret

Ok, with the "Award" now under wraps, what to bore my reader with this morning?
Something along theses lines perchance.
I've been watching some TV recently. HBO in particular. I've loved most of there series, Deadwood, Six Feet Under, The Sopranos, Rome, Carnival ( b@$%*s cut it just as it was getting really interesting) etc etc
So they have two new ones going at the moment.
The Life and Times of Tim for your edification. If your already hooked on it, hifeckinlarious or what?...poor bugger

True Blood is the other and whilst a tad whimsical ( hmm whimsical vampires?) it's pretty good and worth a watching.
I'm still trying to figure out if the female main character was given her name deliberately.
It's Sookie.
Being a legal alien and all I have never heard of "that term" being used as a girls name.
Suffice to say that giving a girl a name like that in the Auld Country would be tantamount to calling her Fellatio, no joke!
But I digress, the best part of the show is the opening title music.
Bad Things

Slow Hand by The pointer sisters

First I would "like" to thank Gilahi for deeming me worthy of this Award but I wont because he only gave it to me as payback and I'm sure he's timing me to see how friggin long it was going to take me to figure the fecker out.
(Note to self :- "figure the fecker" patented by me.)
My Technical Team ( sex bomb) "has come" to my rescue...again.
I think I know how to copy an image now...I think
I went to great lengths, if you want to be picky "medium" lengths,to elicit his help.The things I have to do in the name of Technology.
Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
The people I would have terrorised by awarding this, either already have it or will be too old to Blog ( polite way of saying dead) by the time I figure out how the hell to do it.

In conclusion, I am delighted with my award, the sex bombs annual quota was used up in the making of this post and now I have a headache.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Save me all the heartaches by Pete Gobel



Everything is broken by Bob Dylan

As all of you "don't" know, I've been sick as a dog.
Why do people say that?
Do dogs have the monopoly on sick?
More so than cats?
Sick Dog Pictures, Images and Photos

I was honored with an Award by Gilahi.
I'm gonna get my "Tech Team" onto it so that I can publish.
I did try...failed miserably

Lachochran and her twin have declined my offer of Presidential Status.
That's ok BUT it would have been kinda fun to vote...I'm a "legal alien"
so have no voting rights in the USandA. Being a good dancer does not count...
dancing one eyed alien Pictures, Images and Photos

Apparently I have to take some god awful test in a year or so.
Naming Presidents and answering questions on the constitution
Whilst in, on and around my sick bed I decided to start proceedings by immersing myself in US literature.
I'm thinking "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was not the best choice...enjoying it though.
Wonder if I can just take the 5th?

Had a "discussion" with a horse on Saturday and managed to stave my left pinkie. That's what happens when you don't listen. You get hurt.
It's quite amazing how underrated the humble pinkie is though.
I have never placed any value on it...until now.
A hurting,humble, pinkie takes on a life of it's own.
It's twice the size of the right one and as such has become quite the precocious pinkie.
Perhaps because it's always been "left" and never "right" ?
Oh good grief I'm making jokes that even WT would groan at. Must be the flu meds.

Opened the freezer one day. Frozen chicken breasts fell out, broke my baby toe.
One week later, in the garage, on a stool, reaching up to get a metal fish ( i know but it's quite lovely, has wee holes to arrange hand towels in) which came tumbling down and broke my nose.
Telephone conversation with my Mum:-

Her - How are ye hen? ( hen = sweetie)
Me - Broken.
Her - Aww no hen. What's broken?
Me - My baby toe and my nose
Her - I've telt yeh aboot they horses!!!
Me - It wasn't a horse mum.
Her - Weel what was it lassie? (lassie = hen) LOL it really does!
Me - My baby toe was a chicken and my nose was a fish.
Her - speechless

Friday, October 17, 2008

hey hey we're the monkees by The Monkees

LACOCHRAN'S EVIL TWIN for President!!.
Prop 666, The Evil Twin can and will educate Technically Challenged Bloggers.
I was lost but now I'm a Hyperlink guru! Wooooohooo
Blogging Monkeys Pictures, Images and Photos

Bag me Tag me Take me away by Iko Iko

I've been tagged...sigh
Yes, Lacochrans Evil Twin, knowing that I am technically challenged and will take days trying to figure out how to link 7 blogs, has found me worthy of a tagging.
Evil is a too nice a word.
Tag for DOD Pictures, Images and Photos
So now that she's "tweaked" my interest lets do this.
1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

7 FACTS/True Confessions:
1. I want a punching/speedball for Christmas...don't even ask!
2. Prior to my first vacation abroad I went into the bank for some Drachmas.
Teller explained that they had to order them. Asked my name,Ok. My address,Ok.
Then "which denomination?". I replied Protestant. True story.
3.The Sex Bombs mom had a heart attack on our Wedding Day. She survived. I had nothing to do with it.
4.When I was pregnant with the twins, my craving was for Frank Sinatra music. Now that's weird, I don't care who you are!
5.I enjoy shopping. The Sex Bomb does not approve of this.
6.If there is an afterlife I want to be someones best set of China. Adored and only brought out for special occassions to impress and be admired.
7. In Scotland when a new baby is taken out in it's pram/stroller people put a silver coin in beside it for good luck. According to my mum she made big money with my little sister but had a problem carrying home the bananas she was given for me.
And people wonder why I am "oook" selfconscious.
I TAG the following people:-
Ehmmmmmmmmmmmm still trying to figure out how do this! All/any help appreciated!
Bilbo's Random Thought Collection, Billions of Versions of Normal,Livitlovit,The Gilahi Blog,Thoughts from a wandering cowboy,White-Collar Redneck,

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Haunted by The Pogues

Started decorating for Halloween.
You do realise we Scots started "the whole shebang"?
Of course you do, you wee intellectuals that you are.
Auld Hallows Eve. Look it up if you don't believe me.

I am still haunted by my recollections of "Guising" ( you guys invented trick or treat)as a kid.
It went as follows:-
1. No Pumpkins. Dad spent days hollowing out a Turnip (they are tough!)
Turnip Pictures, Images and Photos
2. No Torches (Flashlights) or glo-sticks. Dad jammed real candle into aforementioned
Neep (Turnip).
terror turnip =0 Pictures, Images and Photos
3. No fancy costumes. I was a Ghost every year from 1967 - 1976.
Reason? Mum would grudgingly give up a white bed sheet. Fair? Feck NO.
She would cut out 2 eyes,nose and mouth on the very corner, close to the edge as possible.
Why ? So she could put it back on the bed the next week,just tuck those holes right under the mattress...mum! In addition, " dinnae get that sheet dirty"
4. No cool kid happening. Walking the streets with the edge of a sheet over my face,
the rest of it trailing behind me...a figure of ridicule. Passing the other
(disguised) kids, all snickering and yelling "hi F!"
" Oh hello, Boo??"
5. No Trick or Treat. Hell no. People made you come into there homes and you had to "do a turn" sing, dance, recite a poem, whatever. Just to add to the humiliation. All that for an apple or an orange.
6. No fire safety occurred to my parents. Not at all. Send a 6 year old out, in the dark, carrying a "blazing" turnip whilst trailing a 6 foot flammable SHEET why don't you.
fireeee Pictures, Images and Photos
Potential Me on Halloween.
I can just imagine "the parents"
Mum - She was a good kid
Dad - Yep
Mum - pity about that bonnie sheet.
Dad - yep
Mum - Never mind at least we wont have to turn on the radiators tonight...

I'm amazed I survived it, physically and emotionally.
Actually cut the emotionally part.
Every Halloween, just as the sun sets I have an overwhelming urge to drape the corner of a sheet over my face and hauntingly cry Woooooooooooooooooooooo.
floating ghost Pictures, Images and Photos

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Weight of the World by Misery Signals

WT is on a roll this week. That kid is gonna give me a mental breakdown!
This morning:

WT - Mommy I caught daddy doing something.

(And you all thought the Santa Experience had me having "the palpitations")

Me - You did?

(BP of 170/100 thinking " gosh I didn't know he still had it in him!" )

WT - Yep and he was making a lot of noise.

(Good grief has the man no self control?)

Me - Oh? Really?

( I'm gonna kill him )

WT - Yep and he wasn't very good at it!

(Some things never change...sigh)

Me - What was Daddy doing sweetie?

(Holding my breath, waiting for it,sweat dripping down my forehead, wondering how to hire a hit man)

WT - He was trying to lift weights in the Garage.

weightlifting Pictures, Images and Photos

This is an actual image of the Sex Bomb doing it! How cute is he??

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Alive and Kicking by Simple Minds

Yesterday heralded the question no parent wants to hear.

WT - Mommy is Santa real?
S@#t S#@t S@#t !
- Of course he's real. (F@#&K)
- All the kids in my class are saying he's not ( little S@#Ts)
- Well I think he is! ( help? )
- You would tell me if he wasn't mommy, right?
not santa Pictures, Images and Photos

It's a complete dilemma at this point.

Just last week the Sex Bomb was twittering on about WT and her "nerdyness" ( is that a word?)
SB - I think you need to talk to WT
Me - About?
SB - Well she's wearing some pretty weird things to school these days and having a violin case in her hand does nothing for her image.
Me - She's wearing her school t-shirts for goodness sake, what's wrong with that?
SB - She's the only kid in school wearing a school T-shirt?
Me - So?
SB - Well The Child Iseult never dressed like that.
Me - No, she was totally normal in a pink tutu, jeans, a bleached "save the dolphins" shirt and a green ball cap huh?
SB - Well I just don't want her to be made fun of.

So IS Santa real?

WT - I know the tooth fairy and the easter bunny aren't real.
(Ok there's some hope here. Gently gently catchy monkey.)
Me - Well if you know they aren't real ...
WT - He's not real is he mommy?
Me - Awwww sweetie...
WT - I know mommy.
Me - (trying to be funny...looser that I am) Well now you know how hard it is being a mommy when you have to flap your wings, go hippity hop around the yard and do the HoHoHo thing too.

Inconsolable meltdown for half an hour.

Parents are just BIG FAT FRIGGIN LIARS.

Of course Santa is real! DUH

Monday, October 13, 2008

Poor Misguided Fool by Starsailor

Scoot is off school today.
Columbus Day apparently.
Christopher Columbus Pictures, Images and Photos
The girls schools are not participating.
So I thought I'd do a wee bit research.
Here's what I know now.
Many countries in the New World and elsewhere celebrate the anniversary of Christopher Columbus's arrival in the Americas, which occurred on October 12, 1492 in the Julian calendar and October 21, 1492 in the modern Gregorian calendar.
(Okay,so the actual date is a tad ambiguous.)
The city of Berkeley celebrates Indigenous People's Day instead of Columbus Day every year with a pow wow and Native American market.
(Okay now I'm totally confused.)
The Columbus Day parade in Cleveland takes place in the Little Italy neighborhood near University Circle. The day begins with Mass at Holy Rosary Church which features the combined choirs of the four historically Italian Cleveland area churches - Holy Rosary, Holy Redeemer, St. Rocco and Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. The parade then goes down Murray Hill featuring over 100 units and a dozen marching bands.
(Go Cleveland!)
Since the later part of the 20th century groups have voiced opposition to Columbus celebrations. Indigenous groups in particular have opposed the holidays as celebrating the man who initiated the European colonization of the new world. Opposition often focuses on the cruel treatment indigenous peoples faced at the hands of Columbus and later European settlers and the fact that the European conquest directly and indirectly caused a massive decline in population among the indigenous peoples.

In the summer of 1990, 350 Native Americans, representatives from all over the hemisphere, met in Quito, Ecuador, at the first Intercontinental Gathering of Indigenous People in the Americas, to mobilize against the quincentennial celebration of Columbus Day. The following summer, in Davis, California, more than a hundred Native Americans gathered for a follow-up meeting to the Quito conference. They declared October 12, 1992, International Day of Solidarity with Indigenous People. The largest ecumenical body in the United States, the National Council of Churches, called on Christians to refrain from celebrating the Columbus quincentennial, saying, "What represented newness of freedom, hope, and opportunity for some was the occasion for oppression, degradation and genocide for others."
Aha, NOW the pow wow makes sense.
Old "Chrissie" just plain underestimated the earths circumference.
The dude thought he had made it to East-Asia after all and didn't mean to be cruel to the Native Americans, no, he meant to be cruel to the Asians.
After all, what's wee bit navigational error between indigenous people!?
Oh the shame of being European.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I feel the earth move under my feet by Carole King

What a weekend.
Just give me a lamp, a funny looking hat and call me Florence Nightingale.
Two Lame Duck horses. If they were Ducks I would eat them!
back hoofs Pictures, Images and Photos
I've cold hosed legs, hand walked each of them, given them pain meds and taught 8 lessons on my "not lame" mares.
Go the girls!
Darned guys and their wimpy ways.
They just need to "Cowboy Up" and stop gimping around.
12,o,clock lesson today. Great student with a kinda sense of humour.
GRRRRRRRRR "there are too two U's in HUMOUR"
Pffft @ spellcheck.
But to my tale.
Last week I had a fall. Not from a horse.
Trying to mountaineer into the car with "dewy feet".
Oh, I like that..."dewy feet" Sexy in a wet kinda way.
I'd walked across the lawn, sprinklers had been on.
I miss rain.
The said "dewy feet" slipped as I tried to get into the car, lost my balance and hit the concrete drive, hard on my Coccyx.
How PC am I?
My bum bone hurt like hell.
Harumph, last weeks 12,o,clock, I make my excuses for going no faster than a walk on "my gal".
I'd tried the Trot and Canter earlier and made Meg Ryan (When Harry met Sally) you know the scene, sound like an amateur.
This week, my 12,0,clock is exhausted. Homecoming last night (whatever the heck that is?) so it goes as follows:
- I'm really tired today, could we take it easy?
- Well you know it's all self inflicted sleep deprivation, I need to think about it.
- Oh come on, I promise I'll be just fine next week
- I don't know, we need to work on your trot/canter transitions
- Awwwwwwww come on F, I took it easy last week for you!
- Huh?
- You know, your rear end issues.
Never felt like a Truck before!
There's a first time for everything.
My wee cutie patootee is now my "rear end"
the-rear-end-horse Pictures, Images and Photos

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Flame by Cheap Trick

Enough of things I dislike now for things I do like.
I love Candles.
I love big ones, wee ones, fancy ones, plain ones,scented,unscented, I even have floating ones ( how do they get them to do that?)
candles Pictures, Images and Photos
So last night the Sex Bomb goes out for some Chinese Food (love that too, prefer Indian but Chinese is on my top ten food list). I set the table and light my candles.
Awwwwww romantic huh? You would think!
He comes in with the food.
SB -Bluddy Hell!
Me - What?
SB - What do you mean what?
Me - What do you mean "bluddy hell"
SB - Well I don't know whether to sit down and eat or get down and pray!
Ok so maybe I did go a wee bit overboard or maybe it was the Gregorian Chant CD playing that confused him?

That man does NOT have a romantic bone in his rotund wee bod!
Enjoy the lovely music my dears.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Blame it on the Bo(o) that's funny! by The Jacksons

DISCLAIMER Pictures, Images and Photos.
The previous post does not pertain to friends,family of friends or any loose assed Californians!
I love you all. MMMMMMMwwwwwaaaaa.
=) Pictures, Images and Photos

I'm loving my new "lippy"

Sealed with a Kiss by Peter Udell and Gary Geld

It's the little (annoying) things in life, that make me want to give people
a Glasgow Kiss. kiss
You crack a joke, people laugh, the tightass Californian says, "your too funny".
With a straight poker face!
Give that gal/guy a Glasgow Kiss.

The tightass Californian holds open a door for you.
You say " thank you"
They say " Uhuh"
Give that gal/guy a Glasgow Kiss.

You talk in your "poshest" accent and are met by a tightass Californians blank stare.
Give that gal/guy a Glasgow Kiss.

I could be Glasgow Kissing half of the State...daily.
I don't though, my head's too soft.
And then the bang their heads together as they both try and pick up Ronnie's papers Pictures, Images and Photos

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Handbags and Gladrags by Rod Stewart

Purses and Politics in these US and A (thank you Borat for that clarification)
Too much choice.
I like purses, politics not so much.
We arrive here 10 years ago with 4 year old twins ( Scoot had just been diagnosed ASD and The Child Iseult was already precocious) and a 6 month old baby
( WT a "fine sturdy bairn" even then).
I won't even begin to have you imagine the luggage situation. Horrible.
I declined to bring a Purse.
Diaper bag, stroller, baby carrier etc etc was enough.
First week here the Sex Bomb drops me off at Macy's with dollars.
" Go and buy yourself a handbag"
Handbag=Purse, Purse= Wallet, bluddy languages.
In I go and 2 hours later out I come. In tears. Purse/Handbagless.
Too Much Choice!
purses Pictures, Images and Photos
In my town, back in the Auld Country, we buy Handbags in Shoe Shops. Period.
At best you have a choice of half a dozen in half a dozen colours. Period.
Of course in my younger Disco Days it was the pits, all those lookylikey handbags skidding across the dance floor as we strutted our funky stuff but all the gals managed to figure out whose was whose ...eventually.
Here you have whole sections of stores dedicated to the art of Handbag shopping.
Brain blowing gasket, me.

Before you ask, yes we do have them in Scotland. Just not so much.
Joe Average votes for the Party his parents, grand-parents, great-great grandparents vote/voted for. Categorically, no questions asked. Period.
Policies, who knows?
Proposals, who cares?
Tick the box. Labour, Tory, SNP ( I'm a rebel, they get my vote)SNP sig Pictures, Images and Photos
That's it. Your done.
The Winning Team gets to choose the leader.
Easy Peezy Lemon Squeezy.

Life was so much easier in the good old "Not very" U and K.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

You Fill up My Senses by John Denver

The Senses.
Five Senses Bag
I find it mildly interesting that smell and sound can evoke memories.
Sight is obvious, taste only if it's something disgusting(worm eating in my formative years for example) not that I've partaken in much of that recently.
Touch not at all (except perhaps, when my arms are fully extended as I try to circumnavigate a hug with the sex bomb...was there ever truly a six pack? unless I am demented I'd swear there was, it's in there, somewhere)
Smell, raw sewage and I'm in Crete (Greece) with five girlfriends on a mental vacation during which each one of us had to visit the ER for sunburn.
Smell, wine and it's last night.
Smell, farts and I'm on my knees changing the "twins" diapers
and so on and so forth.
Sound, "Billy don't be a Hero" Paper Lace summer vacation 1974, catching Bumble Bees in jars.
Sound, "A Little Bit More" Dr Hook 1976 finds me playing the role of the "Ugly Pal"
at the school Christmas Disco, last song of the evening.
Sound, "Anarchy in the UK" Sex Pistols 1976 if I'm THAT ugly may as well go Punk!
Sound, "Dream of the blue Turtles" Sting 1985, same year as the sunburn.
Sony Walkman on the beach.
Sound, "Have I told you Lately" Van the Man 1989, arrival of the Sex Bomb

I could go on for hours but I'll give you all a break go download stuff on my IPod.
Walkmans were friggin fantastik though huh? At least people could SEE you had your bluddy headphones on!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Clean up woman by Betty Wright

You though I was done for the day?
Yep me too.
But oh no, friggin "modern" gadgets get to me again!
I was feeling quite delighted with my latest purchase. A Swiffer Wet Jet no less.
Have you ever tried using one of those suckers?
Not for the faint hearted.
They are amazing. Well if you own a hugefeckinblack DOG they are.
I was hypnotically fazed for at least 30 seconds.
Swiff to the left, dog hair moves to the left, Swiff to the right, some dog hair moves with you, most is stuck to the floor, now in a sodding clomp.
Is my floor clean?
Hell yes if you ignore the damp doggy hair, now strategically and quite artfully distributed all over the tile.

2x2 by Bob Dylan

The part of my brain that operates numbers is only slightly larger than the area that concerns itself with the politics of New Zealand or the outcome of the Masters golf tournament.
When I pay 75 cents for a candy bar.
I have no clue how much change I'll get from a $ bill (the whole tax thing being added at the register).
If I bet $5 on a three-to-one winner I will be seriously pi@#ed off not to finish $15 richer.
Price the horse at 7-to-3 however and sweat will begin to break out.
The use of numbers should be restricted to the telling of time and calanders...otherwise
Numbers suck.

Dutifully, like most people of my generation, I have read or tried to read, histories of relativity, Quantum Mechanics,and all the rest of it.

It is true to say that I have had it explained to me (often at length) what an electron is ,yet to this day I can't remember whether it's a minus thing or a plus thing.
I'm thinking it's a minus thing because proton sounds positive ( though not as positive as a positron, whatever one of those little mothers may be) but what this negativity betokens I have less than no idea.
Apparently all the little particles that make up an Atom have to add up and bind together in some way, I'm sure I've heard that. How a particle can have a minus quality or a negative charge beats the hell out of me.
Maybe it only has a negative charge to balance the books of the atom.

(courtesy of Stephen Fry Making History)

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Mamas don't Let your Babies grow up to be (Christian) Cowboys by Wilie Nelson

Wooohoo my first "live" interview!
Here in the kitchen tonight we have , the one, the only ...CHRISTIAN FARRIER aka "wanderin cowboy #3". Shit these guys sure wander ...a lot!

1. Are you indeed a "Christian?"
- If Deist qualifies as Christian , then yes.
(WTF???...hmmmmm ok..ay)

2. would you consider yourself good looking?

- Oh God pause I only look in the mirror when I'm shaving.
( That'll be a friggin NO then?) lol

3. If you had to spend one week in bed with one woman, who would it be?

- My best date was with a horse named Dot. Looking into the Sunset
( Another OOOkkkkkaaayyyyy)

4. Given your "Dot" propensity how would you describe her if she really was a gal?

-Imagine Maureen O'Hara as a strawberry blond ( ok we get it are feckin OLD
horse lovin, dude!)

Sex Bomb has just suggested "Shergar" as a red head alternative.

5. Favourite drink?

- coffee ( witty)

6. Favourite Song?

- hmmmm a good question. My favourite song? would be...something by Tiny Tim


7. One secret, I won't tell...honest...cackling insanely.

- Actually tried Secert once, people thought I was gay, I tried the Roll On, true

Interview over and done...some real issues I/we need to address LMFAO
Thank you CF/Wandering cowboy#3