Saturday, August 29, 2009

Long Black Train by Yours Truly and SB

Yesterday was SB's birthday.
We had a lovely dinner, drank some beer, drank some wine, drank some more wine...
SB got his Guitar out and we proceeded to have a wee Party, just the two of us.
At some point we decided to get Scoots new Video Camera and tape ourselves, what a STUPID FECKIN IDEA!
I just got home from work about an hour ago and checked in on Facebook.
Guess what?
SB POSTED the Video.
I'm a You Tube!
Here it is...make of it what you will, just remember I was intoxifeckincated!

You may send condolences via Comments.
Thank you in advance.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Gone Fishin by Louis Armstrong and Bing Crosby

Another matter all together. (Oh behave!)
I've been watching more TV than is normal for me.
I'm so tired at the end of the day that all I want to do is plonk my fat ass down on the sofa and "veg" in front of the big screen.
I was rather dismayed to find that I actually enjoy reality shows.
NOT the ones about fat folk dating or dieting or both.
I have no sympathy. It's not difficult.
STOP feckin eating and exercise more!
You DO NOT have to make a spectacle of yourself on TV to be told this!
Oh and apparently the "camera" adds some lbs so your not doing yourself any favours...
Reality Shows.
Whale Wars and now The Deadliest Catch!
I think there must a seafaring gene in my makeup,lurking somewhere under my Lipstick and Mascara!
Crab Fishermen in the Bering Sea. I LOVE it.
These guys work in unbelievable conditions and I commend them.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Little Old Lady From Pasadena by The Beach Boys

Sticking to the school theme, since that's what it's all about here, at the moment.
I'm sure the novelty will wane and it'll be back to the grind in a few weeks.
But school is on my mind at the moment and I recall one of my many cockups, here in the good old USA
It's only fair ( in my own defence, your Honour ) to remember that I had never "experienced" the US Educational System having been being born and brought up in "The Auld Country"
We have no KG, we don't talk about Grades, we have no Middle School and GPA is thought to be some form of Venereal I've heard.
A few years ago I was driving around town, running errands and generally making a nuisance of myself, to other motorists and pedestrians alike.
I noticed the car in front of me ( as I waited impatiently at the traffic lights, hmmm there's a blog in it's own right - * note to self * ) had GO SENIORS written on the back window.
Awww I'm thinking, must be a pensioners day trip.
See! I had learned that pensioners were referred to as Seniors here, I'm all about learning the language of the country I live in!
I carry on, my weary way, cars honking and pedestrians scattering as I try desperately to remember to drive on the "WRONG" side of the road!
There's another car, and another, veritable plethera of cars all running around town with GO SENIORS plastered on the back windshields.
Now I'm thinking...hmmm lot's of elderly folks out for the day, must be a reunion or something?
A car speeds past me, doing at least 40mph (bluddy showoffs!)
This one has SENIORS RULE, well, why not?
These American pensioners are pretty cool!
I'm smiling at this point, America is indeed a wonderful country, all these old folks having fun!
As I approached another set of lights I see more writing coming towards me, SENIORS ARE THE SHIT, oh my! That's a car load of bad grannies!
SUPER SEXY SENIORS! it's getting a wee bit out of control!
I don't know what to think, I arrive home a wee bit perturbed. It's weighing on me, this whole elderly outing day.
I managed a Residential Home for the Elderly back in Scotland for 10 years and had never seen the likes of this. Would I never understand the cultural differences between home and here?
That night.
ME - I saw the strangest thing today
SB- Hmmm ( he does that, when he couldn't give a monkeys arse about what I'm saying)
ME - Yes! All these old folks were having a day trip in town
SB - Hmmm
ME- The back windows of the cars they must have been going in, were covered in writing
SB - sighs - Hmmm
ME - Well some of the writing was a bit over the top for old folk,
I think the drivers must have done it and it was really quite offensive.
I've been thinking about it all day and I'm going toreport it to the
authorities! It's just not right having Grannies and Grandpas being driven
around in cars with things like that written all over the bluddy glass!
SB - What?
I proceed to tell him.
He starts to giggle, the giggle turns into a silent laugh which very quickly becomes a guffaw!
ME - SB! It's NOT funny! I'm talking about the Elderly here for feck sake!
SB - Darlin...
More laughter
SB - Darlin...
ME - ( seriously pissed off ) What?
SB - Well, you see, High School kids in this country...
ME - What about them? What on Gods green earth ( I say that - a lot) do High School
kids have to do with what I'm telling you?
You know, I don't think you even listen to me!
SB - High School Kids...
SB - Well this is the last week off school.
ME -
SB - and kids in the last year of High School
ME -
SB - They're called Seniors
ME - oh! *giggles* oh! *laughs* oh my! *guffaws and snorts*

Ive got it now though- Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior, not a granny in sight!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Act Naturally by Buck Owens

The morning of Day 3 "Girls back to school"
The house has become a Beauty Salon between the hours of 6:30 and 7:30 a.m.
Hair, make-up, camera, action!
Screams pitched high enough to pierce any wayward clouds.
Brawls in the bathroom and a wee bit hair pulling just to add injury to the insults.
WTF happened?
I know it's only going to get worse...
Bluddy pre-teens and teenagers.
Mother ( moi!) meanwhile has developed a severe case of "senior" pimples and the bags under the eyes are having a party with the chin hairs, which sprung into life overnight!
Daughters 1 and 2 catwalk out to the car.
Each contending for Americas/Scotlands next Top Model, as I skulk behind, hoping the neighbors are not bearing witness to my demise.
The one saving grace, is that Scoot and I get to spend the next couple of weeks together before his School starts back.
A few months ago he started to ask for Videos. He NEVER asks for anything, I don't count Pizza and Burger King in that statement!
I started to order the tapes he wanted and in due course he had amassed 30 or so.
Not one of them went anywhere near the Video Player!
They were/are stacked in piles, in order, next to his bed.
He's never displayed this type of behavior, you know, the lining up, OCD stuff that is quite commonly related to Autism.
I was really quite concerned. Should I be feeding into this?
August 11th is the twins Birthday. The Child Iseult and Scoot were to be 14.
Around the end of July I started to ask them what they would like as a present.
With no hesitation Scoot tells me he wants a Video Camera!
Bizarre request from him to say the least.
Or so I thought, until...
The dim wee candle in my mushy brain flared up!
Of course, that was it!
For quite some time Scoot has been watching youtube and recently happened upon
Scoot just LOVES watching these clips. I have no clue how he found them. Interesting...
BUT it all made sense.
ME - Scoot are you going to make videos of your Video Tapes
SCOOT - YES ( grinning and giggling )
He's got the Tapes, he's got the Camera, he's working on the dialogue, I'll keep you all posted on the new, upcoming You Tube release!
Oh and Thank you Aubreyman,thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Paper Trail by TI

I'm here. Of course I'm not annoyed @ MIKE.
You just want me to keep on having to tell you I love you! Bad Mike!

The girls started back at School today. The Child Iseult to High School (Freshman) and WT into 5th Grade. Scoot is off now for 2 weeks having completed 6 weeks of Summer School. The three of them are like a bluddy Tag Team.
This feckin School System drives me to drink!
I could walk but I don't like to sway and stagger in public!
Every year.
I repeat (for the hard of hearing) EVERY FECKIN YEAR. I used FECKIN because I'm incensed and using the F adjective seems to release endorphins. See, already I feel less pained.
Student information.
Name, address, age, grade, parents, phone numbers, doctor, dentist, emergency contacts, etc
Seven bits of paper, all different colours (pretty).
Correct me if I'm a total feckin Eejit but would it not be easier to call OR email and ask " any changes since last year? "
You see, that would mean me saying "No" three times OR typing No three times.
FECKIN piece of cake!
But Oh no no no. Lets employ someone to copy all these papers this year AGAIN ( all different colours remember, so a wee bit more time consuming) employ someone to staple them all and make them into lovely wee packets.
I then get to go and pick them up.
Then best of all I get to WASTE my feckin time AGAIN filling out the same shyte I've been filling out for 5 years! 5 years x 3 kids...OH feck it, do the math!
OH OH and lets not forget!
Someone has to DESTROY all of last years information!
The Schools have no money.
WT came home this afternoon with a book of Coupons she has been asked to sell for fund raising at $30 a pop.
If the school had not destroyed duplicate information for five consecutive years...
Hell the cost of bluddy staples would cover the $30!
There, I feel much better now.
I'm glad I waited a week prior to posting this, I can only imagine the expletive explosion had I written whilst REALLY annoyed.
There are more tirades lined up waiting their turn but I have made an executive decision, not to post anything with more than 10 fecks/feckin/Eejit.
Aye, we'll see how long that rule lasts...

Monday, August 10, 2009

Don't Fish in My Sea by Ma Rainey

Whale Wars!

I stumbled upon this intriguing series... literally
I'd had a couple of bottles of wine, bottles? glasses?
I do, hazily recall, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass...
I was arsing around with On Demand at some point, having poured a glass of wine, when Whale Wars appeared, like Magic it was!.
I don't know if any of you have seen the show, if not, I have no intention of giving an "in depth" account. See me going all nautical there?
Suffice to say it's about a bunch of Wackos, collectively known as the Sea Shepherds. They are on a boat, somewhere feckin FREEZING, trying to stop Japanese Whaling Ships from killing Whales.
All very commendable. Yes?

I'm all about saving animals, it's pretty much what I do.
I saved two of my horses from a life of eternal catatonia.
Two more, who had just been given up on and the last one would have been on a plate in a French Restaurant for sure had I not paid the princely sum of $650 for her.
Both of my dogs are rescues.
Banjo from the pound and Fiddle from some spaced out,aging, Wiccan Wifie, who had fed him so much the poor wee bugger could barely walk.
So you see, animals play a huge part in my life and if I could, I would save them all.

BIG FECKIN FISH? ( I know, I know they're mammals and all that )
Mental is what it is...
Fish are Fishy Fer Feck SAKE!
To sign a waiver, stating that you are "aware you may DIE" trying to save FISH?
I just do not get it...
So I'll shut up and settle down to watch the next episode, it's really rather good.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

All Summer "LONG" by Kid Rock

It's August.
My pendulous breasts are swinging and slapping as normal, so nothing new there.
Thanks MIKE darlin!
What a feckin summer this has been!
No thats not right and is just asking for a Mike/Bilbo/John/LA smart "bum" comment! Rephrase * What a Summer this has feckin been!
There, I think thats better...time will tell.
I apologise for not being my usual "ardent blog reader" and promise to try and catch up asap!
Following many a schizophrenic episode, I concluded that if I were a writer, I could come in here and excuse myself as having had writers block.
Since I am not a writer and only punt out twaddle, I have to say I have been suffering from Twaddle Block!
Does that read better as one word?
Lets see shall we?
I LIKE that! A new cuss word perhaps?
Go feck yerself TWADDLEBLOCK!
Oh yes! I feel the Twaddle rushing to the surface, even as I type furiously with both index fingers.
Twaddle is not easy, a brain, even one cell, totally disturbs it's natural, random, growth.
As Summer nears it's conclusion and my brain shuts down for Fall, Winter and Spring, a veritable influx of Twaddle is rising, rising into the cavity where once reigned sanity.
Holy humping badgers, I'm even becoming Poetic!
Who knows where this may lead?
Assume crash position people!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Sinking by Gwen Stefani

Honey I'm HOME!
My wee vacation on Facebook was rather nice.
She is not nearly as demanding as old "Bloggy" here!
Vacation over and back to the serious business of Blogging...
So much has happened over the last few weeks I should have plenty to tell you and I DO!
So fasten your seat belts, keep your hands by your sides and under no circumstances stand up. Unless your driving a car, then hands would be useful but you need to sign a disclaimer.
The Kitchen.
The kitchen has been remodeled.
THAT was an experience I hope never to have to live through again - EVER
I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
Living with no kitchen for a week will put even the sanest member of society over the edge and I'm Wacko on a good day.
The cabinet guys were... interesting?
One clean cut Hispanic with some powerful tools, the other an aging hippie who just kinda hung around for a week in my kitchen from whence there arose some aromas. Kept the kids and dogs in a nice quiet haze of tranquility...nuff said.
The Granite guys stole the show though.
Two teeny wee Hispanics wrestling with slabs of solid Granite is NOT funny. They almost took out Scoot and missed my kitchen light by the hair of a Test-aye-cal!
Why would you employ the most feeble Mexicans from Mexico to install Granite? MENTAL!
I had to revive them with water!
No way I was calling 911 to report 2 dead Hispanics in my feckin kitchen!
After around half an hour of recovery time they started in on slab No2, poor wee buggers...
They barely survived and left wheezing,gasping,sweating,a lot hot under the collar.
Ta da my new kitchen!
I'd convinced SB that a copper sink would be beautiful.
SB being the good husband that he is went with it.
Sure enough the copper sink with the black/antique copper counters looked smashing!
Until the water was hooked up and the sink had to take on it's role of being a FECKIN KITCHEN SINK!
Why did I not know this?
Why did the thought not even cross my mind?
Copper = PATINA
The instant water hit the fecker...PATINA
I can't look at it!
SB has to give me a daily update when I ask "How's the FECKER looking this morning"
Investigation lead me to a leaflet in the box the sink came in...
"DO NOT PANIC for the first few weeks following the installation of your sink!"
PANIC? I'm sounding like a Chihuahua giving birth to a litter of feckin porcupines!
"You new sink will take time to naturally evolve"
EVOLVE? Evolution, Hmmmm...of a feckin SINK!
Shattered, is what I am.
Sometimes SB should tell me to bugger off when I have smart ass ideas, he really should.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Everybody is a Star by Sly and The Family Stone

Hangover Ratings, prepping for the weekend !

1 * Hangover

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up
there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 ** Hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the
attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer
valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 *** Hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you
of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked
you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet
coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 **** Hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might barf.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you
(depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks
like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and
your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger
and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have
gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 ***** Hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee
who sits next to you.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and
your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You
should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe
..... very gently.

6 ****** Hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly
around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the
pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode
and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you
have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and
farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse
and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-
minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try
to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits
of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving
you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours
at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Unbelievable by EMF

I'm feeling a bit like Victor Meldrew!
Why don't I know things?

I don't believe it!

LA had trouble with my embedding - That's what she said!
So here's a LINK!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Boy(s) are (is) Back In Town by Thin Lizzy

Well my "people" I've had nothing but annoying stuff going on recently - hence the blog hiatus.
Who the hell wants to listen to me whinging?
Tonight was tres provocative though!
No ye dirty buggers!
NOT sexytime.
Holy wee-bee-jeebus, ye cannae get the "quality" readers these know who you are though ;-)
Ahem ( that was me clearing my throat, small pygmy, been rummaging around in there for days, drunk and disorderly)
Provocative! Yes!
Soooo, I have this Face Book thing going on.
Some of you know this and I have to say it's been THE best fun "chatting" LIVE!
I started it because I wanted to (had been trying for the last 20+ years) find my BFF from High School.
I opened an account and guess what?
There he was!
It was truly sublime...
OR in his words " Fuck a I live and breathe...Fiona!"
You can tell he was quite the emotional wreck as regarded the whole reunion.
Took him quite a few days to compose himself, I'm still waiting for the prognosis on the Ferret...
For some reason, known only to my "Dumbledores Pensive" ( check out MIKE, he investigates me, LOL)
I decided to create a "How well do you know me" quiz.
The results have been Provocative
I'm excited, interested, intrigued...
My BFF got things, like my middle name, what I wanted to be when I grew up, historical person I would like to meet etc
It blew me away.
He remembers.
Height, weight , shoe size, not a clue! but the things in my adolescence which were closest to my heart were recalled by him 30 years, my husband, his wife and (too many, lol) beautiful kids later.
That's a pal
That's a buddy
That's a BFF
Have to say though that my GF here came so darned close it was a wee bit freaky! LOL luv ya A!
That's all, happy thoughts bustin through the blogiverse tonight.
OR as Bilbo might say " your probably drunk"

Monday, May 25, 2009

I am the very Gilbert and Sullivan

Bathroom re-model, kitchen re-model, bang goes my " new (pert) boobie " fund!
The bathroom is almost finished and the kitchen is due to commence, June 15th.
SB and I went to choose Granite counters, a sink and faucets today.
We were assisted by a lovely "geriatric" sales person, who had as much PC savvy as yours truly!
Even I know, that when you only have 2 PAGES and your looking at page 2, hitting the "next" button, ain't gonna take you anywhere!
He was determined though.
He was clicking that wee mouse, like mice were going out of fashion.
We didn't have the heart to tell him, he was HAPPY!
The problem was, we wanted to buy a copper sink and needed the plug holes!
He couldn't find them.
He was going to call the manufacturer tomorrow.
We came home, I checked online and guess what?
Just as I was reading the page, stating that the sink we had chosen CAME WITH the plug holes, the phone rang.
It was the geriatric, giving us that self same useful piece of information!
Bless his wee heart...
Did you know?
To have some fancy groove on the edge of yer counters costs up to $800!
For a groove!
As you who visit here know, my family were all masons, soooooo I'm thinking it must be in the genes.
A Hammer and Chisel and I should be good to go...

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Go Brave by Farmer Nappy

I was catching up on some blog reading and The Abbot
got me thinking about Braveheart ( The movie )
SB and I boycotted it for 10 years!
Mel Feckin Gibson is why!
You have to understand that William Wallace is a National Hero.
The historical inaccuracies in the movie would have had Willie turning in his grave!
Everything, from attire, to people yet to be born.
See, I can call William Wallace "Willie" THAT'S how close we are!
Then, to add insult to injury, in 1997, "we" were informed that a statue of Willie was to be placed outside the Wallace Monument.
Behold the beautiful Wallace Monument -


The crowds gathered for the unveiling ceremony
All through Scotland people marked time in excited anticipation.
The country was roused, as it eagerly awaited the new tribute to it's Hero.
The Veil came off!
Yes it did.
And what did it reveal?
Mel FECKIN Gibsons PUS!
( the book cover should give you the word definition ;-)
The Wallace Monument was desecrated! Click on the link, the photo is clear and you NEED to see me...
The work of sculptor Tom Church, was the cause of much controversy and one local resident stated that it was wrong to "desecrate the main memorial to Wallace with a lump of crap"
Go local Scottish resident!
In 1998 the statue was vandalised by someone who smashed the face in with a hammer.
Go Scottish vandal!
After repairs were made, the statue was encased in a cage at night to prevent further vandalism. This has only incited more calls for the statue to be removed as it now appears that the Gibson/Wallace figure is imprisoned; an irony, considering that the statue bears the word "Freedom" on the plinth.
Hollywood? Hollywood!
I will consume a whole Haggis, drink a bottle of Talisker and THEN fart in your face!
WOW I'm so "BRAVE" sometimes, must be in the genes, huh?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Yessir Thats My Baby by Count Basie

As I always say "Life's too short for vegetables"
I say that - A Lot.
I have no idea why...
My dearies, this week "life" has just been too short, period.
WT has gone full blown Thespian, WT to FBT?
Hip Hop classes continue as do recitals ( Great America Theme Park in San Jose last Saturday THAT was a "cheap" day out! ) costume purchases, extra classes for the big summer production and she's also started a Jazz Class.
Oh, and let us not forget the Violin Classes and recitals combined with her decision to enter the School Talent Contest ( this Friday) doing the now infamous Hoedown Throwdown!
I can't keep up with her!
I'm OLD!
WTF business did I have BREEDING at 36 years old? HUH?
I blame SB - It was the opening game of the World Cup 1998 Scotland v's Brazil
SB took one for the team!
The result?
SB and John Collins ...what a pair.

They both scored ...on a penalty...*sighs*
WT, what can I say?
I honestly thought, this one's gonna look like me!
The other two were there dads double.
I was going to call her Riosin ( Gaelic for Rose/Rosie)
C-section later out she popped!
SB lookielikie...grrrrrrrrrrrrr how does he DO that?
No Riosin there, so quickie name change to Niamh.
FYI Riosin = Rowsheen, Niamh=Neeve Ooooops, WT, what am I thinking? lol
Long rambling short.
WT is her dads double, BUT she's her mum 100%!
It sings, it dances, it takes front stage at EVERY opportunity.
WT? Rosie? no matter - DATS ma gal!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Eternal Flame by The Bangles

Just a quickie - that's what she said.
Friday night is usually Chinese take out here in the house of B.
This weekend we messed up, Wine? Food? Wine? Food?
Wine won. SURPRISE!
So tonight is Chinese take out. I'm all discombobulated with this change in my OCD life!
SB perusing the menu, decided to google Mongolian BBQ.
Let me tell ya!
On our wee menu it says " Prawns, chicken or beef FLAME KISSED in Mongolian BBQ style"

aside - SB just informed me that he has NEVER had ANYTHING "flame kissed" in his life!
YES I'm offended, wouldn't you be?
I'm sputtering even as I type...
Moving on, in an offended manner.

Mongolian Barbeque according to Wikipedia -
Mongolian barbecue (Chinese: 蒙古烤肉; pinyin: Měnggǔ kǎoròu) is a restaurant style of stir frying meats and vegetables over a large, round, solid iron griddle that is as large as 2.5 m in diameter and can cook at temperatures as high as 300 °C or 572 °F. Originally from Taiwan, it is neither Mongolian nor barbecue.
Neither Mongolian nor Barbecue!
I need a drink...

Friday, May 8, 2009

Your Mother Should Know by The Beatles

Mothers Day is a royal pain in the bahooky.
Mothers Day in the UK was March 22nd.
Find a Mothers day card in the USA in March and I'll put you on my Christmas list!
Every feckin year "the mums" go all numpty because we didn't send a card, in March.
If I was a good daughter I'd buy cards here, in May and post them the next year, in March.
But I'm not a very good daughter and my mum would support me 100% on this.
I was a precocious child, a teen horribilis and it's been downhill ever since.
My "Punk" years in the 70's almost killed the poor soul.
Practicing the POGO in my bedroom was banned following some slight ceiling plaster incident.
This meant Pogo practice in the garage.
She somehow thought my Dad could "manage" my Dying Fly moves by yelling (somewhat hysterically)
"F**deeeeeeeeeeeeee she's dae'n that dead flee thing again!"

Dying Fly Pictures, Images and Photos

My actually leaving the house on Summer evenings, when it was still light out, was what really put her over the edge.
Three cans of Hairspray resulted in a great Siouxie Sioux lookielikie!
( Actually the only time in my life that my hair "worked" )
Enough black Khol to make me look like a negative.

punk rock Pictures, Images and Photos

My wardrobe, ah yes...
The woman had no feckin clue how many painstaking hours were spent ripping and safety pinning! It was a bluddy ART!
Weekends were the worst.

Mum - Please F?
Me - Whaaaaaaaaat?
Mum - Please wait till it gets dark ?
Me - NO!
Mum - Please, please, dinnae go oot till it gets dark?
Me - Mother dear, what on earth is wrong with going out right now? ( or words to that effect)
Mum - Fowk 'll SEE YE!

She never did "get it"
The whole feckin point was that "fowk" WOULD see me...couldn't bluddy miss me!

Since Mum has got herself a PC and I've given her my link
( she's working on figuring out how to maneuver and click the mouse over it)
and she may read this within the next year or so,
I have only this to say
" You did NOT make Anarchy in the UK easy!"
Oh, and your card is in the mail...

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Mary Had A Little *Lamb* by Wings

Great minds do indeed think alike!
BILBO has a great post today ( nothing new there )about the French, which just happens to be the route my wee addlepated brain cell was taking this morning.
Our niece lives in France, is married to a charming French guy and has three adorable wee boys.
We spent a few summers in France, partaking in gastronomic delights accompanied by exquisite Vin.
I like France, I love French food sooooo -
I have just finished re reading Julie and Julia My Year of Cooking Dangerously which as some of you may recall, spurred SB into buying Ms Childs book MtAoFC and following in Julie Powells steps (working his way through the recipes)
The book is great ( I don't want to bore those of you who have read it and if you have not then DO! It's a fun read)
All we "bloggers" can identify with the impact blogging has on your life and Julie gives a very honest account of her personal journey.
AND the MOVIE is coming! Woohoo!
The trailer looks fun and I can't wait to see it.
Thats all for today peeps!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Have I told You Lately by Van Morrison

16 years ago today I entered willingly into a life sentence.
No parole.
No reduction in "time" for good behavior.
No appeals.
Yes darlings, today, 16 years ago, is the day I said "I do"
Actually it probably sounded more like " hmmmsniffdusobsniff"
I was VERY emotional!
SB was his usual cool, calm and collected self, sporting a shitty green colored suit that he'd bought for a Funeral five years earlier. It almost still fitted him.
I was decked out in pink. Pink, me, it doesn't get much uglier than that!
Here we still are though, together and happy as sand boys! ( WTF is a sand boy?)
What has sustained us through good and bad, rough and smooth,
thick and thin ( him thick, me thin!) sickness and health?
Only one thing, if ye ask me!
SB makes me laugh.
Every day.
No exceptions.
And the funniest thing of all?
I love the Eejit!
This is "our" song. Ahhh NOW the concert makes sense huh?

Just in case I haven't...I luv you baby!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

That's Entertainment by Van Morrison

Picking up from where I ran out of time and got all stressed and sweaty.
It happens, deal with it. ( god knows I have to)
The crowd of crones at the Van Morrison gig continued...

This post is not meant to offend ANYONE so if you get numpty I'm sorry but I cannot tell a lie.
Just for Gilahi I'm even giving you the song to match the post title!

1. There was ONLY disabled seating down front. Wheelchairs and walking frames vying for prime spots. Those walking frame dudes can get mighty violent! They have the weapon right there in their hands. Poor wheelchair oldies didn't "stand" a chance. ( I just came up with that! The "stand" joke, shit it doesn't sound funny now does it? Was it ever?)

2. Drink. The bars were all located at the top of the theater. A feckin hike even for us youngsters so there was no booze drunk in the lower ranks. Not that you'd know it given the shaking and stammering that was going on
( Parkinson's and strokes who needs booze?)

3. The highlight of our night was when Van the Man arrived in a Limo.
The theater is outdoors so the Limo drove right up next to the stage.
Four or five humongous bouncers started yelling at the crowd to MOVE BACK!
Panic in the wheelchair ranks as they attempted break neck "wheeling"
Anarchy in the walking frame " GANG" They had fought hard to establish ground over the "wheelies"
Bouncers inducing Cardiac Arrests and mild to severe strokes in the audience is just fecked up!
What, pray tell, did they think these old farts were gonna do?
Jump on the Limo?
Jump on Van?
None of the audience in the immediate vicinity could WALK for feck sake!
Van emerged to silence, well apart from screeching wheelchairs and audible wheezing.
After the paramedics had gained control over the audience the concert began.
What a feckin night...
I'll say it again though, Van the Man, sublime...
AND HE'S 60feckin3!

Monday, May 4, 2009

This Has Got To Stop by Van Morrison

Saturday night we headed out to the Greek Theater in Berkley to see Van the Man.
There it is! (look down ya eejit) The Greek Theater. Lovely Jubbely venue.

Greek Theater in Berkley Pictures, Images and Photos

It had been raining all day but the evening turned out quite warm and balmy.
We parked the car.
To park!
SB was whining about needing to "go potty" so we headed over to a couple of Porta Peepoops.
He went in one and I - checking the "vacant" sign first, as you do - I swung open the door of the other one.
Some guy in there going peepee! Why didn't he lock the friggin door?

Me - *screech* ( remember I do not possess the scream gene )

I couldn't take off running, I had to wait for SB!
The door opened and the peepee guy came out.
PPguy - There ya go, I'm done.
Me - Oh, ok, ehmmm thanks
PPguy - You didn't miss much anyway!
Call it nerves, call it hysteria, call it what you will, I started to cackle and I mean CACKLE like a feckin demented witch.
I cackled all the way through my ablutions and was still pretty high pitched when I was through.
Out I came only to find SB staring at me all wide eyed and concerned.
SB - What the hell happened?
Me - Ach I just met some auld guy takin a pee ( all nonchalant like )
SB - WHAT? Ye were screechin and cackin like a bluddy loony!
Me - Aye that would be me!

We arrived at the theater entrance and got in line - the line looked like this -
senior Pictures, Images and Photos

I had been to the Salon on Friday for a "cut and colour" so I stood out a wee head of auburn in a sea of Grey.
AND everyone with the exception of us had brought along Tush cushions...WTF happened to dancing? HUH ?
I do not like getting old!
More to follow on the "senior" gig crowd.
Have to say though, Van Morrison was sublime...

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Have A Drink On Me by AC/DC

On route to Tahoe, WT insisted we play the ABC game.
You know, everyone takes a turn and names an animal beginning with a letter through the alphabet.
A - alligator
B - bear etc,etc

After about half an hour of this, interspersed with a couple of I Spy's, I suggested ABC's of girls names, then boys names, then store names.
WT wanted to do school names and so we continued.
Having exhausted our limited imaginations SB decided we should do Cocktails!
He landed the E and came up with Elephant, yeah right ( feckin cheating with an "animal"answer)
The rest of us took our turn and SB got J.
SB - Jumping Jehosaphat! Now there's a grand name fer a cocktail!

Last night SB asked me if I would like a drink ( A village somewhere obviously missing it's idiot)
He offered me an "Elephant"
Hmmm rather tasty.

elephant Pictures, Images and Photos

His Elephant apparently consists of Vodka , Creme De Cassis and lemonade.
(Unfortunately he's one of those bartenders who twitters crap and thinks he's being funny.)
Having slurped through my Elephant and feeling quite relaxed in a " I do so enjoy an Elephant now and again" kinda way, SB asked if I would like to try a Jumping Jehosaphat?
Me- What's in that?
SB - I dinnae ken yet!
Me - I'll pass
Alchemy at it's best, he started mixing "stuff" and mumbling.
He tasted his concoction and began grinning. ( At least that's what it looked like )
SB - Oh, Oh you've got tae try this!
Me - *sighs* and *sips* and WTF?
SB - Good eh?
Me- WTF is in it?
SB - Well, ye see it's the same as an Elephant but ye add some Brandy!

A Jumping Jehosaphat WILL do this to you!

brain freeze Pictures, Images and Photos

Aye good old SB
As a failure he's a great success!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Riverdance by Bill Whelan

I've been reading other Blogs and quite a few "darlings" have mentioned my twin sister, the one and only Susan Boyle
Yes we are indeed identical but she sings better than me.
No one however, seems to have espied "Stavros Flatley" and his son, performing Riverprance!
The real deal, Mr Michael Flatley must be SO proud of Stavros and his son.
I saw both Riverdance and Feet of Flames a while back...wonderful
Michael, you have inspired sheer genius for which I personally thank you from the bottom of my wee heart!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Lets Dance by David Bowie

SB and I took Scoot to the Library today.
It's taken almost 14 years but at long last Scoot has moved "slightly" away from Noddy videos and other UK tots TV shows ( how he remembers them beats me as he was just turned 4 when we moved to the US )to SPIDERMAN!
Onywie, as we were driving along we spotted a waving green Pickle.
There it was, outside a restaurant, waving.
Waving one hand.
Waving one hand, in the style of Queen Lizzie II of England (I of Scotland!.)

Dan in Pickle Costume Pictures, Images and Photos

SB - That's a pathetic Pickle.
Me - Yep, it could at least move both it's arms.
SB - I suppose it's tryin tae be kindae a Royal Pickle.
Me - Aye but it's no very animated fer a Pickle
SB - If I was a Pickle I'd be movin ma feet. I think Pickles should dance.
Me - Aye, they should!
SB - Noo a burger on the ither hand widnae dance.
A burgers kindae sedentary.
But no a pickle. A pickle wud be gettin doon wi it's bad self!
Me - Maybe ye should apply fer the job!
SB - A Prancin Pickle!
Me - There ye go!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Don't Leave Me this Way by Thelma Houston


Look LOOK!
I did it all by myself!
My beautiful award from Bilbo can now be seen by EVERYONE! (all five of you ;-) )
*does the Hoedown Throwdown - I'm getting better at it! *
And look at my typing!
I am ?6 and I'm a PC...

Onwards dear reader to the final destination of our Inter rail journey, Greece.
The plan was that we would spend the last week of our trip relaxing on a Greek Island then fly back to the UK.
It's was a great idea and it was MINE!
I had no intention of participating in an overland "reverse trip"
It takes too long.
We literally scooted through Bulgaria ( we had been there on Honeymoon :( it was a disaster, so we had no fond memories ) to Sofia where we jumped on a train headed for Thessaloniki.
It was an overnighter and we were due to arrive around noon, Sunday.
There were a few Inter railers on board, a couple of Irish girls and a pack of Australians.
The usual Border checks occurred and a young American guy was marched off the train!
We never did find out why.
Recalling him I have to say you could play "Spot the American Inter Railer" and win with 100% accuracy every time!

Young people of the World backpacking!

mochileiro Pictures, Images and Photos

American backpacker!

Backpacker alert Pictures, Images and Photos

No offence, of course. They're just so CLEAN! Creases in shorts, perfectly ironed shirts, cute wee shoes and the hair, OMG the hair! "like you've just stepped out of a salon"

We were in Greece! hurray! well not for the American kid but...
Everyone fell asleep only to be abruptly awakened at around 6a.m. and told to leave the couchette and move into a regular carriage.
This we did, because we are respectful of Railway authority!
There were around 12 of us ( all backpackers) in the carriage.
Where had everyone gone? They must have all got off while we were sleeping.
One of the Australian guys went to check it out.
He informed us that we were now the ONLY carriage!
Oh well, not to worry, Thessaloniki here we come.
I'm going to say it was around 10a.m. ( SB would be more accurate because he's anal ) when the train stopped at a kinda siding. A platform with a stand pipe and two rotund Greek railwaymen with a cooler, drinking Amstel. There was a wee village in the distance, the rest of our scenery was fields and well, things that looked like fields.
We waited, all chatting about where we had been, what we had seen, funny stories of our exploits, you get the picture.
Half an hour or so later we heard a train chuffing off.
The Australian guy ( our savior as it turned out ) again went to check it out.
He returned , ashen.
They had de-coupled us!
The engine was feckin GONE!
Twelve of us in a feckin railway carriage "somewhere" in Greece, abandoned!
Everyone laughed. We did, we laughed.
11 a.m Laughter had subsided
11:30 a.m. Everyone was beginning to get antsy ( it was getting hot, in the 80's)
12 noon Decisions were being made! The Australian had us all pool our food and water.
12:30 He and another guy got off the train to ask the two rotund Greeks ( now on their 4th bottle of ice cold beer ) if they knew what was happening. They were met with shrugs and a lot of head only Greeks can do
We were all debating whether or not to get off the train, what if the engine came back?
1:30 We had all had it. Our water was finished as was the food. Everyone disembarked.
We all stretched our legs and sat in the shade.
It was now in the 90's
3:00p.m. Everyone was becoming dehydrated. The stand pipe was looking more like a beer pump by the second. To drink Greek water or not...that was the question.
An argument ensued. We were hot, cranky, thirsty and abandoned.
- The water's not safe
- The water's not potable ( some smart ass with a PHD, who TF says potable? )
- There are germs in it
- My mum made me promise to only drink bottled water or I wouldn't get to take this trip
- If we drink it we're all going to wind up in Hospital, in Greece!
- Hey if we drink it we could all wind up dead!
Australian Guy - If we DON'T drink it we're all going to feckin die anyway! It's over 100deg
and we have no idea when or if the feckin engine is coming back!
12 thirst crazed loonys attacked the stand pipe.
Sated and exhausted we all began to doze.
At around 5p.m. we heard the distant sound of an engine
We all dived back into the carriage which was duly re-coupled and we were off!
For about a mile.
The train stopped.
Some rail workers hooked a flatbed piled with logs onto the back of our carriage.
We were off!
To our wee platform with the stand pipe.
The flatbed was De-coupled.
We were off!
For about a mile.
The train stopped.
Some rail workers hooked a flatbed piled with logs onto the back of our carriage.
We were off!
To our wee platform with the stand pipe.
The flatbed was De-coupled.
We did this five feckin times!
We really were off!
We arrived in Thessaloniki at around 2a.m
We had no drachmas, no food, no water and nowhere to sleep.
I begged, I did!, I begged a couple of guys (shutting up an open bar) for water.
We slept on Platform 6 of Thessaloniki Station.
Our last week was spent in Skiathos, hotel, beach and lazing around recovering.

skiathos Pictures, Images and Photos

I would recommend everyone/anyone to take an Inter rail trip no matter what age!
If you can pick up a backpack, your good to go.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Take The Money and Run by Steve Milar Band

I have to start today with a huge THANK YOU to my darlin friend BILBO who gave me an Award! I'll figure out how to show it to y'all ASAP.

Romania , Sighisoara and Vlad Dracul

We arrived in Sighisoara and were dumped at what was "we assumed" the Railway Station.

OCR Vankleek Hill Sub / old siding @ Dalkeith ON Pictures, Images and Photos

There was one Hotel in town circa 1940.
No electricity but we did have a dribble of lukewarm water in the shower.
The town was very picturesque but extremely poor.

sighisoara Pictures, Images and Photos

We went for dinner in the wee house which is the birthplace of Vlad, now a restaurant.
They had little or no food!
Salad was one lettuce leaf and half a tomato.
Entree, no choice, a wee slice of pork and half a potato.
Dessert? Forget it the couple at the next table had ordered the last grapefruit!
We headed back to the Hotel bar, flashlight in hand.
( oh by "no electricity" I mean NONE inside or out)
Fortifying ourselves with a couple of beers we took a seat and were joined by a young couple from the North of England, lets call them Peter and Lois!
We arranged to meet them again the following night for drinks.
The following night...
We arrived at the bar and found Lois sitting on her own looking decidedly worried.
Me - Hiya! Where's Peter?
Lois - * bursts into tears*
SB - What? Whats happened?
Lois - Well we didn't think we had enough "Leu"
Me - And?
Lois - Well, Peter went out to try and exchange some money * still sobbing *
SB - How long has he been gone?
Lois - Almost an hour * serious weeping*

Aside - when you go on these Inter Rail trips you are told repeatedly NOT to EVER try to exchange money on the streets/black market.

SB - Ok, I'm gonnae get ye a drink and then I'm gonnae go and look for him!
Me - Aye like feck ye are!
SB - Got a better idea?
Me - Ok, we'll all go though * stomach churning*

SB went up to the bar to grab three shots.
The door of the bar crashed open and in stumbled Peter, wheezing, panting, sweating, trembling,hanging onto the door.

SB - WTF happened?
Lois - Clinging on to Peter *hysterical*

SB set down 4 shots and 4 beers and assisted Peter to our table.
We all downed the drinks and Peters breathing regulated.
He managed to tell us WTF happened, it went kinda like this...

He took of to the streets with Dollars ( we all had dollars, easier to exchange than sterling)
Having approached a couple of wily shysters with no success he happened upon an old lady with a corn cob stand.

crone Pictures, Images and Photos

One of those things you can push around. A wee cart.
He took out a One dollar bill and using "sign language" tried to exchange it for Leu.
She offered him some dubious looking corn cobs.
He shook his head, pointing and gesticulating.
She shook her head, waving her arms and yabbering.
He took out a Five, thinking she wanted more!
The ancient crone grinned and took the five.
Now he was getting somewhere!
He put his hand out for the Leu.
She pointed at the Corn Cob Stand and started to walk away!
He'd bought it!
The feckin Corn Cob Stand!
He started shouting at her " No No No!"
She came back toothless grin, turning the stand towards him.
He walked away.
She followed pushing her wee "business" and calling to him.
He upped his pace to a fast walk.
She started to jog.
He started to run, looking over his shoulder, there she was!
He started dodging down alleys and back streets.
By the time he'd lost her HE was totally lost.
He ran around the streets in a total panic trying to find the Hotel and remain "under cover"

Peter - So I've no feckin money but anyone hungry?

Tomorrow Bulgaria to Greece, then I'm done and back to the present...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Shoot To Kill by Greyhoundz

I must have been addlepated yesterday, nothing new there!
I was all set for the Romanian saga and totally forgot about the Czech Republic and PRAGUE!
Prague is THE most beautiful city I have ever visited and an absolute must if you ever have the opportunity to visit Europe.
Paris, Rome, Athens...forget it. Prague is the place you want to be.
We had intended to stay for 2 days and were still there a week later!
The only bummer was that we had no time to go to Poland and had to scoot over to Romania.
So Prague...

Charles Bridge Pictures, Images and Photos

Two wee stories to tell ye!

There is a Pub ( surprise! ) called U FLECKU
We decided to go for lunch and sample the famous "brown beer" brewed there.
It was a lovely day so we got ourselves settled in the courtyard.
No sooner were our arses parked than a waiter slapped a couple of huge mugs of beer in front of us. No order necessary!
We scoofed the first beer as we perused the menu.
No sooner was the first beer finished , "viola" a new one appeared!
Impeccable service and not a word spoken other than " Dekuji "
After a couple of these puppies, food was the last thing on our minds!
As the beer flowed, the pub had a regular influx of tourists, bus parties mainly, arriving, having a few sips of beer, then leaving. Ahhh the waste!
Around 3ish ( and 6/7 beers into it ) the band started to play and our waiter began to feed us shots in between his beer runs.
Some kind of peach Schnapps, rather nice as I recall.
Suffice to say we were happy.
Six o'clock ( maybe?) it began to drizzle, a few minutes later the heavens opened and a thunderstorm raged.
The band dispersed , the waiters all took off to the sanctuary of a covered area, tourists vacated en masse.
Well when yer wet yer wet, keep the booze coming!
We remained seated through the storm as our waiter ran back and forth under an umbrella with our drinks.
A couple of hours later the sky began to clear.
The Staff, the whole bluddy lot of them (15 or so) surrounded our table and gave us a standing ovation! The applause and cheers were quite remarkable!
No accolade in Scotland for being imbibed!
We smiled, bowed and curtsied and continued our "mission" until the bar closed.
Go team Bogie!
A couple of days/hangovers later we needed to go to the train station to book couchette tickets.
We had bought underground tickets at the start of the week so we hopped on an underground train.
Up the stairway and right into the Railway Station.
Tickets purchased we were ready to head back down to the Underground.
SB - We need to punch our Underground passes to go back down
Me - Dinnae be daft, we've never left the building, we just came upstairs!
SB - I'm no being daft! We left the underground!
Me - It's all the same thing, it's all trains!
SB - Look ya Eejit, the underground is one thing and the Railway Station is another. We need to punch our passes to go back down!
Me - Silly man ( or words to that effect )
I go stomping off with SB twittering behind me and march through the side gate towards the stairs.
I was aware of shouting and some commotion behind us!
SB - Feck!
I looked around and found myself with a feckin GUN pointed at me!
SB had one pointed at him too!
Three Railway Police guys, two with guns and the other yelling - you come with us!
He proceeded to yell that we had not punched tickets and so a crime had been committed.
- You walk this way!
We were marched, at gunpoint across the Railway Station towards a huge stone pillar.
Me - Awwww SB their gonnae shoot us! ( hysterical )
SB - Feckin TOLD ye we had tae punch tickets!
Me - I dinnae want shot! ( more hysterical )
SB - Dinnae be feckin daft! They're no gonnae shoot us for no paying "50 cents"
Me- Aye the are and I'm gonnae pee maself!
SB - *stifled giggle*
Me - *groaning*

- You come round this side - Policeman pointing to the back of the pillar, out of view of the rest of the station.

Me - *sobbing* I told ye they 're gonnae shoot us!
SB - *shaking head*

On the back side of the pillar there was a wee notice, in English, explaining that tickets had to be purchased or punched when leaving the Railway Station for the Underground.

- You see? You understand?- Policeman pointing at the wee sign.

Me - Yes, yes, please don't shoot! (waving our Underground passes at him) We have tickets!

- No shoot, but we make fine! -

We were marched back to the Underground entrance where SB had to cough up the equivalent of a $50 fine, which went straight into the Policeman's pocket!

- Now you go and punch ticket and have good holiday - all three Officers grinning.

Me - Oh mummy daddy, mummy daddy, etc etc
SB - Well that was a feckin cheap entrance fee...
Me - Sorry *whimpering*
SB - *sigh*

Yes dear readers, I, wee me, she who has NEVER broken the law, was indeed arrested in Prague.
So if you do ever go there, please remember to punch yer ticket!

Romania tomorrow...

Monday, April 20, 2009

Across The Border Line by Willie Nelson

The dust has settled, literally, feckin housework, I HATE it.
But, I do it SO well.
It should be an Olympic event, Housework!
I'd win, no contest really I guess, just a feckin Gold Medal to add to my dusting.

Onywie ( as we say in Scotland) of we go to Austria, Hungary and the "trip"
Austria was pretty...darned expensive.
We only stayed one day/night in Vienna.
SB forced me to walk to the top of St Stephens Cathedral with my tormentor strapped to my back.

St. Stephens's Church Pictures, Images and Photos

Just about friggin killed me...

We were getting pretty train savvy by this time and decided to book a Couchette
for our next destination, Budapest!

COUCHETTE! Pictures, Images and Photos

Then the real "fun" began.
We get all snuggled up, exhausted and ready to become totally comatose when we hit the Austria/Hungary border at around 1a.m.
We stop on the Austrian side.
Door crashes open and the lights come on.
( I really need you to use you imagination here and hear the accented voices of the officals. Bilbo should have no problem with this for sure!)
Everyone in the couchette sits up, startled, WTF?
Enter, "Franz von Papen" shouting - Teeckets, teeckets I vont your teekets!
Six of us scrabbling around in a feckin couchette shoebox, trying to find our friggin "teeckets"
He checked them, stamped them, handed them back, slammed the door shut, lights out.
We are all mumbling, complaining, whining(me) as we settle back down to sleep.
Around 10 minutes later...
Door crashes open and the lights come on.
Everyone in the couchette sits up, startled, WTF?
Enter, "Rudolph Hess" yelling Passports, Passports I vont your Passports!
Repeat performance from Couchette occupants.
Passports checked.
Now we are all really pissed as we try once more to SLEEP.
Sleep? Yeah right!
No more than 5 minutes go by when guess what?
Door crashes open and the lights come on.
Enter feckin Adolph himself!
Screaming, seriously screaming
-You have Drugs? You have guns? You have ammunition?
He starts going through our backpacks!
- UP! UP! UP!
We all get out of bed ( bed- I use the term lightly as you can see from the pic) and he proceeds to look under mattresses and between sheets/blankets
Having established that all we had were backpacks full of stained, sweaty, grungy thrice worn stinky socks and underwear, he departs.
The couchette is silent.
5,10,15 minutes go by.
We all being to whisper... that was feckin AWFUL!
The train begins to chug along slowly.
Thank god that's over, we all agree.
The train stops. We're out of Austria and into Hungary! Hurray!
Ten minutes later?
Door crashes open and the lights come on.
It took us around an hour and a half to cross the border!
We arrived in Budapest "zombified"
It's a City well worth visiting though.
Buda castle is beautiful and the food...yum yum.

Next stop Romania , Sighisoara and Vlad Dracul !

Friday, April 17, 2009

Photograph by Nickleback

Hello Honnies "I'm HOME"
A grand time was had by all.
Enough snow to satisfy Scoot and WT and enough hot tub for TCI.
I've decided to post "real" photos, why? because I've figured out how!!
So we have Scoot and WT about to get into it over the blue sled!

The dogs had a blast and wee Fiddle turned into a superstar! Off leash...go Fiddle!
Banjo on the other hand would never be seen again should we "unleash the beast"
TCI with Fiddle gazing lovingly into her eyes.
WT sporting a Pink hat holding onto Banjos collar for dear life!
Well, I had a lesson in cell phone technology from TCI whilst trying to relax and enjoy our wee cruise across the Lake...bluddy teenagers ;-)
Oh and that's half of SB to my left!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Holiday by Madonna

I'm taking my old broken self off to Lake Tahoe for Spring Break.
The other "four" and "twa dugs" are coming with me!
I'm sure I'll have lots of reading to do when I get back ;-)
See y'all next Saturday!

Sunday Morning by Howie Day

I'm taking a break from our European adventures to wish everyone Happy Easter.

Happy Easter sign Pictures, Images and Photos

If you don't "do" Easter then Happy Sunday.

Sunday Pictures, Images and Photos

If you don't "do" Sundays then just be Happy You Woke Up this morning!

happy easter Pictures, Images and Photos

I know I am...

Friday, April 10, 2009

Goody Two Shoes by Adam Ant

I'm going to rush through Holland and the "Hellish Hollish" as I fondly remember it's inhabitants.
Amsterdam is a fun City. Great street entertainment, wonderful Indonesian food and very picturesque.

Amsterdam Pictures, Images and Photos

We did take a stroll through the "Red Light" district, well SB strolled I kinda slunk.
I had no idea what you would even consider doing with 90% of the items on display in the shop windows!
Still don't, nor do I care to find out, thank you very much!
Ignorance is bliss.
Moving on to Germany.
Freiburg, to meet our wonderful friends Peter and Ursula. ( We met them when they were backpacking around Scotland a few years earlier).
We were met at the railway station and Pete promptly brought out a cooler filled with beer from the trunk of the car! We sat on the sidewalk guzzling for a while the headed out to Urs's (is that right Urss' Bilbo assistance required plz!) apartment where we would be staying for a couple of days.
Pete is a "list" kinda guy.
Pete - Now we make walk
Pete - Now we eat
Pete - Now we drink
Pete - Now we make trip to the lake for swim!
Swimming sounded wonderful, it was in the 90's and a dip in the Lake sounded just delicious.
*Quick aside - Pete and Urs are both TALL! SB comes in at around 5ft6" and I'm 5ft4". When we all "make walk" SB and my wee leggies are moving FAST to keep up with our striding German friends!
Ok, get the visual?
Soooo, we arrive at the Lake and they take off with me almost running to keep up and SB jogging behind. I'm focused, the Lake is busy and I don't want to loose sight of our guides!
SB - Fiona!
SB - Fiona! (rising panic noted)
Me- WTF?
SB - look!
Me - What?
I turn to him and he's developed an unattractive, nervous twitch, affecting his whole head!
Me - Are you ok?
SB - no
He tries to point but the affliction has now progressed to his arms and hands which are shaking uncontrollably.
I glance around and dissolve into fits.
It's a nudist Lake!
I gather him up and we continue, SB staring at the path.
Pete and Urs have found a nice spot and are laying out towels.
We all sit down admiring the Lake, SB staring at his feet.
Pete and Urs start to strip off...totally
SB- (whispers frantically) What are we gonnae do?
Me - Oh I'm fine, I put my bikini on under my dress! (smiling)
SB - WHAT? Feck,feck,feck,feck
Me- What the hell is wrong with you?
SB- I put my trunks in the wee backpack, how am I gonnae get them on?
Me - Oh just Do It for feck sake, everybody's bluddy naked anyway, no-ones gonnae be lookin at yer "Thon"
SB - I dinnae have a "Thon" It's gone...
Me - Dinnae be an eejit, what do ye mean gone?
Me - Oh!
Meanwhile on the German front, Pete has whipped out his - CAMERA - and is bobbing around stark naked shouting " Now we make photo, yes? "
Poor wee SB...literally
We three ran down to the Lake and immersed ourselves in the beautiful lukewarm water, allowing SB a modicum of privacy to wiggle and wriggle out of his shorts and into his trunks.
We had a wonderful swim and watched the sun begin to set as we bobbed around.
Pete - Now we make walk and eat
SB - *groans*
Me - What?
SB - How the FECK do I get out and back into my clothes?

Tomorrow Expensive Austria and High jinks in Hungary

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Leaving by Jesse McCartney

I've been reminiscing.
So sit back, relax and let me take you on an "InterRail" journey with SB and moi circa 1993.
We had the tickets, we had the rucksacks, we even had a plan!
SB and a couple of his buddys had done it 5 years earlier and he loved it, so...
We had been saving "vacation" time from work for 2 years ( you could do that kinda thing back then)
This was to be our great adventure before starting a family!
Our last gasp attempt to be young and carefree.
I was adamant that even although we were taking a tent (Sherpa SB in charge of that puppy) we would be checking into Hotels on route.
My idea of roughing it was staying at the Holiday Inn as opposed to The Savoy.

Day 1 - Leven our home town, to Dover, where we would get the ferry over to Bruges (Belgium)
SB (Backpack on, including tent) Are you ready then?
Me -
SB - Come on or we're gonnae miss the bus ( bus from Leven to Edinburgh)
Me - I cannae lift the feckin thing!
SB - What? Your joking right?
Me - no
B - WTF did you pack?
Me - A lot?
SB - Well your just gonnae have tae manage!

He picks up my backpack ( with some difficulty) and slaps the fecker on my back. I of course assume the Igor stance and stagger the 20minute walk to the bus depot, grabbing railings, trees and the occasional unsuspecting random person in an attempt to keep my balance.

We loaded onto the bus with me in tears insisting that there was no way in hell I could lug "that fecker" around Europe for 6 weeks. My anguished cries received no sympathy.
A trolly thingy at Edinburgh train station calmed me down somewhat, as did a few drinks in the Bar as we waited for our first train.
I felt much more positive as we alighted in York for lunch, having consumed the entire contents of British Rails "beverage" trolley.
I was now swaying and staggering with a purpose!
The port of Dover provided us with more refreshments as we waited ( I LIKE waiting )
All Aboard...we were at sea...literally
We dumped our gear in a cabin which I'm sure was actually a locker with two wee mattresses squeezed in and went in search of the bar.
Hey! I was thirsty. I'd been hauling "the fecker" all over Scotland and England!
Some hours later,
We couldn't find our Cabin...
Up and down decks, back and forth, swaying ( well we're on a bluddy ship after all )
No luck.
Back to the bar, amazingly we found THAT no problem.
We did a good job. We managed to drink our way across the Channel. Quite an accomplishment
Dawn was breaking as we docked in Bruges.
The Bartender had somehow? taken our Cabin key and managed to have our backpacks brought to us...nice guy
We haul ourselves down the gangplank and collapse.
When we come too, it is to discover that every single passenger has disappeared, gone, we are alone.
No cars, no buses, nothing!
Me - What are we gonnae do?
SB - *shrugs *
Me - Oh THAT'S ok then...
SB - Look there's a bus coming
Me - Aye but where is it going?
SB - Disnae matter we're getting on it
Me - WHAT?
SB - Welcome to InterRailing darlin!

Tomorrow, From Belgium to the debauchery that IS Amsterdam!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I Fall To Pieces by Patsy Cline

I'm broken...again.
Don't even ask, suffice to say I'm a big GOWK
I am now "not so proudly" sporting the following;

1. Bruise on left eyebrow resulting in a bluddy KEEKER
No 3 people, my name is NOT Wullie and I do not have a hairy "thingy"

Black Eye Pictures, Images and Photos

2. Sprained right wrist
3. Gouge out of right index finger
4. Abrasion to left shoulder
5. Sore neck
6. Sore bum

I feel as though I've gone five rounds with Lennox Lewis and guess who won?
Oh, the shame.
I will NEVER again place a three legged stool on chippie stones, in an attempt to haul my ass up,
to re-arrange the feckin Jasmine plant ( which by the way is looking lovely)

Jasmine Pictures, Images and Photos

Friday, April 3, 2009

Apeman by The Kinks

Since yesterdays post had the most comments EVER, I'll stick to what seems to work, for today anyway!
As a very, very, dear friend of mine said - just the other day actually - "she just ain't right"
This opinion stretches further than the eye can see, in the Horse World or at least my corner of it.
I am actually a totally self opinionated "person" when it comes to our equine friends ( or in NARMS case enemies)
I never anthromorphize ( there's one for ya BILBO!) ever.
It's going to get you into more trouble with your horse than anything else you do.
I hear it all the time ;
My horse loves me
My horse hates me
My horse only likes men
My horse only likes women
My horse is happy
My horse is sad

What a lot of TWADDLE!
These Prey animals have no such thoughts! They can't. It's stupid to think they do.
Here's the reality.

My horse respects my leadership.
My horse has no respect for my leadership.
My horse has been abused by a man ( glances at Narm) at some point in it's life and has a rightful fear of tall humans, humans with deep voices, etc
My horse has been abused by a woman etc etc you get it...
My horse feels good about it's self mentally, emotionally and physically.
My horse feels lonely ( they are herd animals remember), bored and out of shape.

I teach people.
I teach horse psychology to humans.
Not a day goes by when I'm doing my thing, that some "experienced" equestrian looks and listens to my lesson and walks away with that "she just ain't right" expression!
Sure, I could Cowboy up, wear spurs, use a bigger bit, kick harder, pull harder on the horses face BUT brute force and ignorance are things of the past.
It's all changing, slowly but for the better.
For the horse to want to please rather than be forced to perform.
Maintaining the dignity of the animal is paramount in my lessons.
I do groups lessons at a reduced rate!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

King Fear by The Babylon Whores

Yesterday found me living up to every ones expectations...I WAS "the fool"
Nothing new there, so let's move on.

Working with horses and being a riding instructor I have to manage varying degrees of fear every day.
It's a dangerous thing, being around 1000+lb animals.
You have to be "on your game" all the time because horses are really smart and know, with 100% accuracy, when your not paying attention.
That's when they test you!
I've been doing this "horse" thing for a LONG time now and pretty much have my butterflies in formation.
This is not the case for many of my students.
I spent much of the weekend pondering how best to help them, it's my job.
I reached some conclusions.

1. I have to respect that the fear a student feels is VERY real, for them.
2. There is no point in my saying "Oh dinnae be an Eejit, it'll be fine"
That's MY reality not theirs.
3. We only learn "out of our comfort zone"
That said, if we go too far then we are in a frightened place and no longer learning.
4. As humans we would be daft NOT to experience fear.
It's our brain kicking into self preservation mode.
5. Fear causes Brain Freeze.
6. Overcoming fear leaves us with three scenarios:

i. Oh Shit moments become Oh WOW moments. eg someone who's been afraid to Lope
becomes confident and before you know it all they want to do is go FASTER!
ii. You become indifferent. eg Picking hoofs can be scary for some people and rightly so but as
confidence builds it becomes just a job. Not, Oh WOW, just, get it done.
iii. The fear remains but at a manageable level. As I said, butterflies in formation NOT
flapping around bouncing off the walls.

I have strategies.
I have a responsibility to my students to use these strategies!
As my mentor Mr P says "Take the time it takes, to take less time"
Move closer stay longer.
True story-
My BFF horse, the one I put 6 year olds on, the love of my life.
Four years ago that horse and I looked at each other, through pipe panels for 6 weeks.
I was terrified of her!
She was terrified of me! ( I was THAT predator)
It took a full year for us to get on track.
It was a journey, a wonderful journey and one which changed me as a person, a trainer and an Instructor, all for the better!
When it comes down to it, most of the time, our fear is of the unknown.
The Bard says it much better than I ever could :
An’ forward, tho’ I canna see,
I guess an’ fear!

(translation ;-) )

And forward, though I cannot see,
I guess and fear!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Here Comes The Sun by the Beatles

I've been somewhat tardy with my Blogging recently because the weather is beautiful here!
Nice Spring weather = WORK
Life is pretty laid back during the winter months, what are you gonna do?
It's dark, wet and miserable.
I know! Write ! Write my Blog to be specific.
Then the bluddy sun comes out and pricks your conscience like...well like a prick I guess?
It's easy to self justify doing diddlysquat on a rainy day.

funny, icon, saying, rain Pictures, Images and Photos

Nah, no point, the horses are wet and "smellier" than usual and the ground is only fit for mud wrestling...hmmm.

Nah, everything looks pretty clean (what with my OCD and all)

Yard work?
It's feckin raining ya Eejit! Grass has conveniently stopped growing ( nature is a wonderful thing)
The weeds are hibernating and all my lovely planters are empty.

Then I wake up innocently ( I'm always innocent for the first 5 seconds before I open my eyes)
and there she is, Miss Bluddy Sunshine.

OF COURSE! Those poor horses need turned out. They need to be ridden. They need to be excercised. Oh and grain, they need grain EVERY day. Cleaning tack, get it done!

OMFG When were those windows last washed? Look at the baseboards! Every minuscule particle of dust glaring in the blinding sunlight. OCD OCD...duster in one hand, polish in the other stick a broom up my arse I'm on a MISSION.

Yard Work?
So the grass managed to grow 4inches in one night ( Ah my, if only SB were a lawn...sighs)
Every feckin weed in town has decided to sleep over in MY yard and the sun has woken each and every one of the wee shytes up!

That was a long winded excuse for being busy = exhausted.

Sunshine Pictures, Images and Photos

Friday, March 27, 2009

Voices by Randy Orton

What's it called when you hear voices in your head?
I know there's a real word for it...

Sybil Pictures, Images and Photos

That's it.
Well, I've caught it.
I hope it's not contagious because I'll go crazy if the other four people I live with get it!
Oh, wait, I AM crazy aren't I?
Why am I asking you? Your all as daft as brushes!
(Where did that phrase come from I wonder? "Daft as a brush" Is it a Scottish thing?)

My present "condition" is worse in the mornings and around dinner time, it can be quite irksome.
Let me set the scene.
I have a dishwasher! Wooohooo for me.
The Dishwasher fits nice and snug under the COUNTER.
Every morning, no exceptions, SB has breakfast, rinses his coffee mug, cereal bowl and spoon.
He then places them ON THE COUNTER!
WTF is with that? HUH?
Now, as if that's not enough to make you go "Sybil", the young people I am forced to share this house with, have decided that "Daddy knows best"
They all leave for School/Work...and Sybil kicks in...
I need you to imagine wee thought bubbles here because Stage4 Sybil has not yet set in,( talking out loud to myself ) it's close though, really close!
For the sake of interpretation I will refer to my thoughts/voices as Things I and II

Thing I - Well lookie lookie! (all smarmy like)
Thing II - Yes dear I know ( all sheepish like)
Thing I - He is incapable of putting his feckin dirty dishes in the dishwasher!
Thing II - He was in a rush this morning
Thing I - Rush my feckin arse! He's just a lazy bas$%&%d
Thing II - No,no,no, he just wasn't thinking
Thing I - How feckin much "thinking" does it take to RINSE and PUT IN THE DISHWASHER!
Thing II - Oh stop being a NUMPTY!
Thing I - I'M the numpty!?
Sooooo if YOU don't load all the dishes they're just going to sit there till he gets home?
Thing II - Don't be silly dear you know I've got OCD
Thing I - So does he sweetie, so does he...

Dinner is pretty much more of the same.
Any other Sybil sufferers out there?
Maybe we could start a Club? ( that was Thing II talking, right there)
Thing I, wants to start a GANG!

Even the Dishwasher has an opinion on this. I know because it tells me so.

Dishwasher - SB and small humans I have only this to say...

Dishwasher Pictures, Images and Photos

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Just To See You Smile by Tim McGraw

Teeth are going to bankrupt us.
Five sets of pearly whites do not come cheap here in the US.
We Scots don't have the "good teeth" gene, we just don't...
Of course our diet leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to healthy teeth.
As kids, some of the most common snacks were :
A Sugar sandwich ( yep, a heap of sugar on two slices of bread, if you were "posh" you'd have butter on it too)
A grated apple - sprinkled with sugar
A sliced banana - sprinkled with sugar
A stalk of Rhubarb picked from the garden
( with a wee bag of sugar to dip it in )

I'm thinking I should bill my mum for all of my dental expenses!
That's a joke mum!
(She's got herself a PC and may have figured out how to get here...yeah, more on that soon...)

The kids are all at the "needs braces" age.
Kid with braces!

teeth! Pictures, Images and Photos

I'm sure I could do this myself if I only had the right tools!
(go check out BILBO 's post today all about tools, hilarious)
I personally have more "bridges" than the feckin "Bay"
Here's why.
30+ years ago in Scotland, Dentists were "extraction" gurus.
You only ever went to the Dentist if you had a toothache.
There was no such thing as a check up ( kinda sad when I look back and realise it was all FREE)
Your front six teeth, top and bottom had the advantage over anything beyond.
They would be filled, polished, get the "royal" treatment.
The rest?
Like this as I recall

Demon Scottish Dentist - So the pains in that wee tooth? Second premolar nurse!
Me - Aye
DSD - let's have a wee smile then lassie
Me- grimace grin ( I'm in pain here folks! and I'm only 12)
DSD - Och aye, ye cannae see it when ye smile (smiling)
Me - ?
DSD - Extraction nurse!

And so on and so forth over a decade...hence the "bridges"

My kids don't know how lucky they are!
We will be poor as church mice but we'll be smiling all the while!
We BETTER be smiling and showing off the cause of our poverty.
I've told my girls that when I "pass" they have to make sure they get my Bridges and Crowns.
That's their inheritance.
That's where all the money went.
Gold, Diamonds, Jewels ? Forget it.
My teeth are the only thing I possess that's cost $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

angelo Pictures, Images and Photos

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Like A Virgin by Madonna

I have no idea what's going on!
I had the TV on "mute" and when I glanced at it,
Pres Obama was yakkin away ( I know this cos his lips were moving)
He was on the news and the title thingy that comes up at the bottom of the screen, read "Dicktater"
I had to look twice, thrice even! Oh my, it just doesn't seem right... to me.
I'll listen to the late news to find out why "Da Pres" is being called a "Willypotato"
Why was the TV on mute? I hear you asking yourself!
If you didn't ask yourself, then please pretend you did or this post ain't going anywhere fast.
I will NOT keep you in suspenders any longer my dear, darling, reader - sucking up big time -
The TV was on mute BECAUSE I was having a wee breakdown!
OH NO! cried the fan...see I like to think I'm talking to each and every one of you on a personal level - more sucking up-
Back to the wee breakdown.
As you may (or may not) know WT is in fourth Grade.
I'm pretty confident that my US readers "get it"
For those of you in the UK, read on dear hearts!
For some reason, known only to fourth grade teachers I suspect...
( Just had a family meeting to decide how to write the first four notes of Beethoven's 5th, DEE marginally beat DA)

Just for effect *rep*


She, We, that would be I, am expected to create a model of Santa Cruz Mission.

Mission Santa Cruz_0010 Pictures, Images and Photos

*Laughing hysterically*
Using...get this...Items found in and around the Home.
The whole thing has to be less than 18"x18", Feckin Mission Lilliput!
Oh, I know, lets get those tiny bells I keep handy in the bottom kitchen drawer, you know , just in case I feel the urge to build A FECKIN MISSION!
church bell Pictures, Images and Photos

Oh and don't forget the minuscule friggin wooden door -" top shelf of the laundry"

door to the church Pictures, Images and Photos

See I always knew that wee door would come in handy!
I'm spinning people, spinning I tell ya!
*aside* TCI escaped the torment of the 4th Grade "mission proj" as we were moving house/schools and she managed to wiggle her wee bahooky out of it.
Which leaves me, a VIRGIN MISSION BUILDER!
All suggestions, ideas, sympathy will be MOST appreciated.
*note to self* feedback will determine <> sucking up.
I love you all...