Saturday, February 28, 2009

Feels So Good by Van Halen

Look at me...
Look at me damn it!
Screaming hoards recoil!
There now, that got you all shook up.
Ugly as ever, but in the post
I have had the most wonderful week and it's all thanks to "Facebook"...yeah whatever, you cynics
I have found my bff from school!
We lost touch 30 years ago.
Over the decades I have tried to find him via the 'net" but with no success.
I slap my ugly mush on face book and guess who's there?
It's so surreal, it's not even's mental
AND it just keeps getting better
I'm back in touch with one of the best and nicest gals I ever had the honor to know and be in a BAND with!
Yes dear reader, I was once a member of an "all girl" band...whole weeks worth of posts right there!
We made the local newspaper headlines I'll have you know!
AND I'm "friends" with "the love of my teen life" which those who know me, think is the funniest thing EVER!
Laugh on I say ( thank the Lord "HE" has no clue) laugh on...
I heart facebook.
Facebook has made me happy.
Facebook has reconnected me with people I love, but had lost.
Facebook has that photo of me with my horse. It's not a closeup. grateful for that small thing!
Oh, oh and Facebook allows me to send "Gifts fae Scotland" which i have to say, stressed our dear BILBO out...hilarious

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow - The Ramones

I'm going to interrupt my wee narrative with a newsflash.

Scoot has always had short hair...he's a he, so it works.
When he was younger, from around 4 - 8, I had to cut it, with scissors, while he was sleeping.
This was no mean feat.
(lol @ mean feet...forget it, I'm a tad giddy today)
The early days had some rather disturbing results as he would often wake up screaming!
Poor wee guy, who wouldn't start screaming if they woke up with "Mommy Dearest" brandishing scissors around their head...cue creepy music
He HATED haircuts more than soda (still hates soda to this day)
On many occasions he would have to go to school with half a haircut.
Turning him over was the problem! That's when he would wake up.
As time passed and SB had hair loss issues, SB began buzzing what was left of his erstwhile flowing locks.

hair clipper set Pictures, Images and Photos

No4~No3~No2~by 2000 it was guard off, down to the scalp.
Scoot became quite fascinated with the clippers, hanging out, watching his fathers gradual progression into the ranks of "Bald Ba%$&rds"
Soon enough he was requesting- "Scoots hair cut please"
No more midnight haircuts using a flashlight!
Turning the light on also woke him up...
So, for the last few years Scoot has proudly sported a rather natty No4

As all you young(er) readers are aware, fashion has gone full cycle and guys are growing their hair again.
Side bangs are Unisex and cool if you are...
Scoot decided he wanted to grow his hair. He's becoming quite the teen let me tell you!
It's taken about 10 months to get it just right.
He's been in front of the mirror every morning with his hair "products" looking good.
Last night.
Around 9p.m.
Scoot - May I have a haircut mommy? ( he talks like that...cute huh?)
Me - Oh Scoot it's late, I'll trim it tomorrow ok?
Scoot - Yes, haircut tomorrow.
Me - goodnight darlin
Scoot - Goodnight

Meanwhile, The Child Iseult is just out of the shower...

TCI - Mom can I borrow you hairdryer mines not working. (yelling from upstairs)
Me - Yes ( Yelling from the Sofa)

Friggin madhouse as usual.

SB and I are snuggled on the sofa watching TV. Faint whirrr of hairdryer from above.
Half an hour later
SB - How long does it take her to dry her hair, I can still hear that bluddy hairdryer.
Me - Oh she'll be done soon
SB - That bluddy noise is beginning to really "annoy" me
Me ~thought bubble~(Maybe if you had hair it would dull the noise you bald ba$%&ard!)
Me ~said~ Look she's bound to be done soon just ignore it.

Sure enough the noise abruptly stopped.
I looked and smiled at SB...told ya!

Oh, mea culpa, mea culpa

Voice from behind the sofa

Scoot - Scoots hair is all cut

It was NOT the hairdryer.
It was SBs hair clippers.
There was no guard on them.
Scoot is BALD. Right down to the scalp. Not one solitary hair on his head.
Laugh/cry both.


monkey-02 Pictures, Images and Photos

This morning he wanted his hair back!
Sorry buddy.
Scoot - Scoots head is freezing. My hair is all gone.
Me- Do you want a hat?
Scoot - yes

He's off to school wearing a hat. This may prove necessary for some time.

It'll grow back, it will, it will...

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Siren Song - The Ghost Inside

The Wedding Night

SB called 999 (911 equivalent) who arrived promptly, hooked SBs mom up to a gazillion monitors, hefted her onto a gurney and headed out the door of the restaurant to the awaiting ambulance.
I look round to find SB and the maitre'd at loggerheads.
The Manager was insisting that SB settle the bill before he left...ehm
"Your chariot awaits Mr Groom"
Not only that, he wanted us to also pay for wine we had ordered but not received and deserts, ditto!
What ya gonna do?
SB paid up.
We all loaded up into the "transport", the doors were slammed shut and we were off...wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Scottish ambulance! Pictures, Images and Photos

No Limousine for me dear reader, hell no, give me an Edinburgh Ambulance, sirens blaring, any day.
A Limo can't quite shake your bridal bouquet the way a high speed ambulance can...believe me
We arrived at The Royal Infirmary where SBs mom was rushed away to ICU.
SB, me and my mom sat down in a "WTF just happened" kinda way.
A few hours later, the doctor informed us that she was going to be okay but would have to stay in hospital for a couple of days.
SIGHS of relief all round.
The problem was that it was around 2a.m. we were on the other side of town from our hotel AND we still had my Mom in tow!
Nurse - We do have family rooms if you would like to just spend the night here
My Mom - Oh that's a great idea!
SB/Me - speechless

We were lead ( my mom up front chatting away to the nurse, SB and I still speechless) to a room located at the top of the building.
Of course the lift ( elevator ) was out of order...My mom wasn't quite so talkative as we neared our goal. Panting and hanging onto the rail of the stairs...just as well we were in a Hospital!
One down one to go?

Right there! Second on the left! Can you see me waving my bouquet at y'all?

Old Royal Infirmary Pictures, Images and Photos

The room had a bed and a sofa.

My Mom - Oh, why don't you two take the bed, it's your Wedding Night after all. (REALLY?)
Me - Will you be ok on the sofa? ( I am not a happy Bride)
My Mom - Oh don't worry about me, I'll probably not sleep anyway. Is that a T.V.? I wonder if there's anything worth watching at this time of night?
SB - I'm going to go back down and check on my Mom...

Off he goes and there I am, left with my MOM, on my wedding night.

My Mom - (all giggly) Well this'll be a funny one to tell people about.

Yes Mom, hilarious!

Monday, February 23, 2009

19th Nervous Breakdown by The Rolling Stones

The Wedding.

Well my dears, as I'm sure you can only begin to imagine, it was all downhill...
We had decided just to go to the city and have a civil ceremony.
I had already done the "Bride" thing in a previous life and was quite content with that decision.
I had suggested we just grab two unsuspecting eejits off the street to stand as witnesses and SB concurred.
We didn't tell anyone of our plans.
As the "Day" came closer I started to feel bad for SB's mom.
He is, after all, her first born, only son. Wanted for NOTHING!

db_WHY Pictures, Images and Photos

Against my better judgement ( hindsight is a wonderful thing) I asked him to tell his mom and ask her if she would be a witness.
I did the same with mine.
The Wedding Day dawned, warm and sunny.
We four, headed off to Edinburgh on the train.
SB and I had booked a Hotel for 3 nights,then we were off on honeymoon ( yeah sexy time)
Taking the moms to the City was akin to a Special Ed outing gone BAD.
As they Oohed and Ahh'd like Japanese tourists, we managed to manoeuvre them to the Registrars Building.
Ceremony went well, I cried.
Still feckin crying! LOL
We then took the Moms out to the Dubh Prais restaurant located on the Royal Mile.

Edinburgh - The Royal Mile Pictures, Images and Photos

Quite posh nosh.
We order and are served our starters. Tres bon!
We ordered our entrees and as we were waiting SBs mom said she had indigestion and was going to make a head call.
The food arrived and we began to chomp down.
Did I mention we were on champagne bottle No 7? AND the mums don't drink!
Five minutes into some delicious grub we noticed SBs mum had still not returned.
Being the kind soul I am...not, I went to the Ladies to check on her.
There she was, propped up against the wall, on her bum, false teeth on her chest, unconscious.
I friggin kid you not!
For feck sake, I know I'm no oil painting BUT it was a tad extreme...No?

d Pictures, Images and Photos

The Wedding Night, to be continued...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Haze of Love - Cake

I messed up.
Yesterdays post should have been "The Proposal"
Oh well, even genius has it's moments.

Chapter 2 " The Engagement" ( there, that's right)

June 1989 SB and I took off to Crete for a vacation and to buy "the ring".

Crete Pictures, Images and Photos

To this day, I have no idea why we wanted to buy an engagement ring in Greece?
1989 Air Traffic Control were having "an episode" and our flight was delayed.
ATC forced us into the nearest Pub where we had no choice but to imbibe for several hours.
Neither of us have any recollection of
a. Leaving the bar.
b. Boarding the plane
c. The flight
d. The arrival
e. Being put on a bus
f. Arriving at the Hotel
Aye those were the days!
The following week is rather hazy, Ouzo will do that to you, be warned.

ouzo Pictures, Images and Photos

We did gaze, peer, through reddish, bloodshot eyes into Jewelers shop windows as we staggered between bars.
On the last night of our vacation -

Me - So are we going to do it or not?
SB - AGAIN? ( high pitched panic detected)
Me - Buy a ring ya Eejit!
SB - Oh that ( relief evident)
Me - Well?
SB - I suppose we had better.

There were LOTS of bars on route to the shopping area of town.
We of course found it necessary to visit each one as we headed out on our ring buying mission.
To the best of my recollection we stopped at the first Jewelers and kinda propped ourselves up on the window.

SB - See anything?
Me - Nope (literally a haze)
SB - What about that one? ( swaying index finger)
I have no memory of buying the ring.
Next recall is in a bar...surprise!
SB, once more fighting his wee way through the crowds, drinks in hands, arms upraised ( am I detecting a pattern here?)
Having safely settled the drinks on the table, he hands me the box with the ring in it.
Me - WTF is THAT? ( glowering at drink)
SB - I got you a Cocktail, special occasion... ( speshhul uccashhhin to be exact)
Me -If I'd wanted a cocktail I'd have asked for a cocktail ya eejit!
SB headed back to the bar for a bottle of Ouzo ( He's a GOOD man)
I awoke the next morning.
I had a ring on my finger.
It was the ugliest thing you've ever seen.
That morning the ring and I made quite the perfect pair!

SB agreed...

Funny Pictures, Images and Photos

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Love is in the air - John Paul Young

Since I can think of nothing interesting or witty to ditty about today I'm going to bore everyone with a stagger down memory lane.
My memory lane.
SB and I get hitched.

Chapter 1. The Engagement

It was 1989. A balmy night in Edinburgh.
We were sitting on a wall, outside a pub, waiting to go to a Van Morrison concert at Edinburgh Castle.

Edinburgh Castle Pictures, Images and Photos

Why were we on a wall?
The pub was full to capacity, we were overspill.
SB went inside to get us "more" drink, because we really needed more.
He fought through the crowds, arms upraised...didn't spill a drop.
He handed me my beverage and as he swayed ( music playing in his head?) he slurred -

SB - shoow je wannae git married? ( imagine an inebriated Sean Connory voice here)
Me -( Fell off the wall )

Yep there I am! Mouth agape...
Drunk Kermit the Frog Pictures, Images and Photos

He took that as a yes.
His Mantra :

job Pictures, Images and Photos

More to follow, if you like?

Monday, February 16, 2009

Natural Disaster - Andrew Bird

Happy Presidents Day.
Yet another excuse for having 3 (swapped at birth) kids terrorizing the house.
They are each, a weapon of mass destruction...could clear a city with just one ear piercing scream.
Maybe I should hire them out?
Make some money?


Today is all about bodily fluids.
Yes, we all suffer from them.
I ask you this:
Why are they odiferous and I'm not talking fragrant here!
Why are "certain" fluids reminisce of soapy dish water...figure it out yourself ladies
Throughout nature there are wonderful tastes and aromas.
The humble Orange, the delectable Peach and what about the Strawberry?
What about the Strawberry.
Small, insignificant wee red thing growing on the ground.
But the smell is delightful and the taste is tantalizing on the tongue.
I might even get over my aversion to "Coos" if there were strawberries involved.

Strawberry Fields Pictures, Images and Photos

A country garden, delectable - inhales, deeply satisfied.
The Roses, Herbs and fragrant borders...

country garden Pictures, Images and Photos

(Well that was interesting in a pee your pants bodily fluid kind of way!
I asked Photobucket for "Country Garden" and got 100 photos of a Chinese family eating dinner in what must be their favourite restaurant!)

Back on topic.

1. Yep, your correct, I have been cleaning bathrooms this morning.

2. Why, oh why, oh why, do even fluids emitted through pleasurable means, have to be so...

Someones having a good laugh at our expense. Mother Nature thinks she's funny, huh?
That's all I'm saying!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Ewe to me are everything -The Real Thing

It's raining. Hard.
Days like this I ask myself why I am living in California.
I could be back in Scotland, in the rain, eating REAL Sausages.
I miss sausages, a lot!
What's with this country, where a decent sausage manages to evade the talents of even the best sausage maker?
There is nothing better than a sausage "piece" Check out BRIED
If I was to choose a "last meal" it would be all about the sausage...

sausage butty Pictures, Images and Photos

Where do they hide the sheep?
Are there any sheep here?
If there are then I'm fecked if I know where they are.
Sheep and rain go together like a horse and carriage.
To be more pernickity "Bedraggled Sheep"
Oooopsy spell check is having a wee turn with pernickity. Hehehehe.
Just keeping her on her toes!

Will you look at these wee sheep playing in the puddles...awwwwww

Sheep on the road Pictures, Images and Photos

You know where the sheep are in Scotland! Yes you do!
Hogging the roads!
Should that be Ewing the roads?

Sheep Everywhere! Pictures, Images and Photos

Sheep and sausages in abundance would make my day.
I like sheep, cows on the other hand, let me just say "I'm FAIRD o' Coos"
I've given up telling people this, the looks I get are, well, odd!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Funny Valentine - Frank Sinatra

Here I am, back by popular demand.
Well if you include Bilbos comment "Are you still alive" as demand.
I've been flying under the radar this week, not through choice I might add!
Sold a horse on Tuesday...go me, sniff sniff sniff ( these are happy sniffs )
Got sick on Tuesday night.
Scoot sent home form school sick Wednesday morning.
SB home sick Wednesday, Thursday , Friday.
Girls both fine. I think that they are friggin ALIENS.
So that's where I've been, flitting between bed, mopping up yeugh and keeping the girls lives going as usual.
Anyhoo I've missed everyone and will be performing a back to back blog reading ASAP!

So, today is February 14th and I think my butt shows it all...

valentine ass Pictures, Images and Photos

And FRANKIE sings it all, I love Frank by the way ;)

Have a Happy Smooch Day people!
Hugs Fxxxxxx

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Sweet Nothin's - Brenda Lee

I was surfin' around this morning looking for the origins of "for Petes sake"
What I discovered were MINCED OATHS.
Quite interesting , for me anyway.
Mince= Ground Beef in the UK.
Why a 'minced oath'? Where did such a phrase originate? Why not a 'mild Swearword', a 'Substituted Oath', even a 'Religious Oath' for goodness sake.
A 'minced oath'; never use it, never heard anyone else use it and would advise all vegetarians to avoid it like the plague.
Let's face it, it just not PC to introduce mince into swear words, however mild they may be.
Perhaps BILBO our resident linguist can shed some light on the "Mince" ?

Friday, February 6, 2009

Surfin' Bird - The Trashmen

It's Friday.
I know which day it is, that's always a good thing.

I happened to watch my first Family Guy episode last week.

It was hilarious! CLICK HERE

Of course SB and I have been catching the kids out with it at every opportunity!
Scoot thinks it's the funniest thing ever. ( especially SBs dance)
WT gives a giggle or three.
The Child Iseult...

Me - Hey Darlin, have you heard?
TCI - Mom it doesn't even Rhyme for Petes sake!
* note to self - find out who Pete is.
Me - What do you mean "it doesn't rhyme"?
TCI - Mom, you say HERD, herd doesn't rhyme with BURD.
Me - LMAO...still

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Listen Up - Oasis

I've got a bee in my bonnet today. See it?

bee in bonnet Pictures, Images and Photos

As you may or may not know, makes not an iota of difference because I'm going to tell you anyway, Scoot rides the School Bus.
He has ridden the lovely Yellow Special Ed School Bus for around 10 years.
This is not my choice but having three kids who have never attended the same school at the same time, logistics have made it necessary.

Backtrack - Prior to waking up one morning in this US of A, I actually had a job. I was the Manager of a Residential home for the elderly. We had 40 residents but also provided Day Care for seniors still living independently but with limited mobility.
Every morning we would send our Bus out, to pick up those who would then spend the day with us.
Every afternoon the bus would ferry them home.
By LAW we HAD to provide an escort on the bus.
Common sense decreed that it was not SAFE to have 6+ elderly riding the bus with only the driver.
In the event of ANYTHING happening, from someone being sick to an all out RTA the driver could not attend to his passengers.
All of this 25 years ago.
Makes sense right?

You would think!
I've been advocating for an escort on the school bus here for 10 years.
Yep, you've got it "no finances available"
Yesterday Scoots bus had not arrived at it's usual time of 2:40.
This happens sometimes, who knows why? Driver taking the scenic route?
I usually give it 30 minutes then call to ask where it is.
My home phone rang at 3:o5.
Bus company informing me that Scoots bus had been involved in an accident. No-one hurt.
Thank the Lord.
They said that CHP were not allowing the students to leave the bus but that Scoot was upset and could I go to the "scene"
I asked for directions.
The accident happened in the next town. It took me 25 minutes to get there.
I arrived 3:30. He should have been home at 2:40.
Now you all know that Math is not my forte but by my reckoning, the accident must have happened before 2:15. And they didn't call me till 3:05!!
The bus was full of kids. The bus was surrounded by cops.
The driver was on the bus filling out a report.
I had to wait with Scoot for a further 10 minutes until he was "released"
Every horrible scenario possible ran through my mind from the moment of the call until I had him in my arms.
It is just wrong to have these defenceless children in such a vulnerable position.
I might also add that if a child has "issues" on the bus then restraint straps are used.
Try unbuckling yourself from those!
I'm going to be speaking out a tad louder on this issue, shouting if necessary, as of today.
Wish me luck, I know I'm going to need it!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Coming Up Roses - Elliot Smith

Only one thing smells like Poop.
I put both dogs out this morning for their a.m. ablutions.
Wee Fiddle scratches at the door to get back in. ( Odd that Banjo has never done this )
Onywiy ( that's how I pronounce "anyway") I let both dogs in and continue reading fellow Bloggers posts.
Sniff - yucky sniff NOT aromatic sniff
Sniff, sniff
My nostrils are not amused.
Fidddle has had "The Diarrhea"
Fiddle has a tail like an Industrial Mop.
Fiddle has a Poop filled Industrial Mop.
Fiddle has taken it upon himself to paint floors, walls and carpet with his Mop.
Fiddle thinks he should win an award.

poop Pictures, Images and Photos

I made a sign.
Now I just need to teach him to read.

poop Pictures, Images and Photos
Fiddle has been Lysol'd, bleached and disinfected along with everything he decided to paint.
Fiddle has the cleanest bum and tail that any dog could wish for.
Fiddle has come out of this whole debacle smelling of Roses.
My nostrils however may be damaged for life.
Oh and did I mention my horrendous gag reflex? ( dentists hate me)
It's working folks, it's definitely working.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Kooks - David Bowie

Barely have time for a quickie today.
I understand the whole Global Warming thing but who the hell is responsible for speeding up time?
I have to thank each of my fellow Bloggers for taking the time to respond to the Meme.
I enjoyed reading each and every one.
I had no clue that these things can be "irksome" ?
Actually I was quite impressed with my linking skills!
Mike apparently has some interesting video footage he is about to may not be for the faint hearted.
Last night I decided to cook dinner. Since SB Mastered The Art Of French Cooking my culinary skills have been somewhat thwarted.
I decided to cook Irish Stew and Soda Bread.
Cue Gordon Ramsay video.
Got it. Easy. Thank you Gordon.
I followed him to the letter!
His looked delicious.Irish Stew Pictures, Images and Photos

Mine, not so much. Although SB does appreciate it when I make an effort.
dog food Pictures, Images and Photos
Then to top it all TCI.
TCI - What cha cookin mommy ( she speaks funny)
Me- Soda Bread
TCI - Yeuuuck ( as only a 13 year old can say it)
Me - Stop that, it'll be delicious ( I still had hope at this time)
TCI - Soda? In bread? What kind did you use? Not my Dr Pepper I hope!
Me - speechless
I can't cook for peanuts.
How did that phrase originate ?
Cue Bilbo

Monday, February 2, 2009

Brand New Day - Sting

Happy Monday Dears.
I thought I didn't have much to say today, until I went into the shower.
No, nothing naughty just getting ready for a new day.
The following occurred:
Excited the hair with shampoo then agitated it with conditioner.
Discarded unwanted hair delicately from Oxters and legs (both) not forgetting big toes (both).
I forgot a toe once ( how does that happen? how can you forget to shave a toe?) wore sandals to work and was referred to as "Yeti Toe" for the next six years.
Overwhelmed towel by drying everything.
Body lotion/buttered everything, worrying, the now "bare" bits.
Rummaged around under the Oxters with Dove deodorant.
Titillated face with Ponds gentle cleanser.
Re hydrated daintily with anti-aging face creams, of which I have a plethora .
Teased the hair for a while with a wide toothed comb.
Tickled teeth until the toothbrush beeped then provoked them with floss.
Prepared to get dressed.
Humiliated least mangled/grayish brassiere and tricked it into fitting.
Harassed a g-string for however long THAT took.
Worried a pair of skinny jeans for ten minutes then tormented an old baggy sweater.
Back to the mirror eeeeekkkkkk.
Concealed recently acquired "adult acne"
Embarrassed eyes with blue liner.
Humiliated lips with gloss.
Invigorated hair with both hands.
It's not easy being me...
Stumbled downstairs.
Coffee Pictures, Images and Photos