Thursday, June 16, 2011

Sick as a Dog by Aerosmith

Sorry I've been AWOL for a wee while, it's been a tough couple of weeks.
For those of you who don't know my Mom died suddenly on June 8th last year which meant a trip back to Scotland for me. I was there for 10 days and it was surreal.
I may or may not fill you all in on the pantomime antics of my immediate family...suffice to say they turned it into a CIRCUS and I refused to be the Clown.
Moving onwards and upwards.
WTF is with the Medical profession in this country?
I never go to the Doctor unless I'm sick.
That's the way it is back in the Auld Country.
A few weeks ago I decided to make an appointment.
I had a lump! On the inside of my left wrist.
Bless wee Googles heart, it said I had a Ganglion Cyst.
Nothing to worry about but not very attractive.
The Doctor confirms Googles diagnosis and informs me that a wee shot of local anesthetic followed by a huge ass syringe into the offending lump, to drain it, will solve the Camel Hump on the wrist.
I manned up and it was done.
Doctor - Is there anything else Mrs B
Me - Well I have a funky toe
He looks at it and tells me I have two options, have the toenail removed or take Lamasil.
I LIKE my toenails! Even the funky one!
No frigggin way he was pullin out one of those puppies!
Ok we're on the same page but now I have to go and have blood test on my Liver function.
Is the man daft? It's frazzled! lol
Lamasil apparently can cause Liver failure closely followed by death ( OBVI!).
Cute toenail or death ?
No contest, Lamisil for me!
So now we've dealt with the Hump and the Funk and I'm happy as a Sandboy.
All good so far huh? Apart from the imposing death of course, which SB will have to deal with, because I'm outta here, cute Toenail INTACT.
Up until this point the Dr has been charming.
BUT now he has me in his clutches and feeling grateful for draining my Hump and informing me of my impending death with a pretty toe.
Dr - Mrs B you do realize that you are due a...
Suffice to say I now have the Hospital receptionist on my Christmas card list.
More to follow...

Thursday, June 2, 2011

RAT by Voodoo Kids

Last week, Banjo the "dug" was sniffin and snarfin around the BBQ.
He's never done that before.
My first though was "shit there's something in there!"
I called him in, closed the doors and went to pick up the girls from School.
When we got home I told the girls about Banjos strange behavior.
TCI - Open the grill Mommy!
ME - Nope what if there is a mouse or something in there?
THE GIRLS - aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh
ME- EXACTLY! Wait till SB gets home! ( I actually referred to him as "Daddy" don't want the girls traumatized...)
TCI- Oh MOM! I'll open it
ME- Have at it kiddo!
TCI after a dozen tentative tries and upon my suggestion, got the broom, wedged it under the grill handle and opened the grill. (BRAVE KID)
Nada, zilch, NOTHING!
All three of us burst into hysterical giggles!
Being scared shitless will do that to ya.
Banjo the DAFT DUG!
Yesterday morning.
I'm in the back yard and the "daft dug" is at it AGAIN!
Sniffin and snarfin and jumping and SALIVATING at the BBQ!
So now I'm all balls!
ME( as I march over to the BBQ reaching to open the lid)- Banjo! We've been through this already there's nothing in (opens lid)
Two feckin RATS! Noses a twitchin, tails a waggin, feckin GRINNING at me!
I slammed down the lid and the wee feckers scooted down the inside of the grill ran across the yard over the fence into the neighbors yard with Banjo in hot pursuit.
He didn't get them but has maintained a silent vigil of the BBQ and the fence for the last 24 hrs.
Good boy Banj! You rat hunter you!
Where was Fiddle ( dog No2) during all this Drama?
HIDING in the family room!
Wee shite

Monday, May 30, 2011

The Ordinary Boys - Life Will Be The Death Of Me

So Memorial Day.
My Uncle Bert was killed at the battle of Monte Casino. He was 18 years old. He was a farm hand and as such was NOT called to serve. However, his younger brother David who was 16, lied about his age and joined the Black Watch. Bert, seeing his wee brother coming home from Basic Training and all ready to be posted went ahead and signed up. He died and Uncle Dave came home, married and had a family of three. Aye, the Lord works in mysterious ways indeed. My Granny really never got over losing her first born son.
I never knew him BUT my boy Scoot is his absolute double.
Thank you Uncle Bert for your bravery.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Never Too Much - Luther Vandross

Today was GREAT! Hung with my girls, worked my horses and SB cooked enough BBQ to feed 100 people for 100 days ( anyone in need of food packages please contact 1800-SB-FEEDSAMERICA)
WTF goes through that boys head when he's shopping/preparing food???
We are a family of FIVE.
I eat like a sparrrow.
The two girls eat like two WEE sparrows.
SCOOT " I HATE hotdogs" " ONLY the bun please"
Hence a plethora of BBQ MENTALNESS!
I dinnae have enough Ziplocks tae cope!
If you or someone you know is in need PLEASE call the number above, FEDEX will get it to ya !!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I Can't Stand The Rain- Ann Peebles

Back to School night last night for WT.
I am delighted to announce, that I got 100% on my 6th Grade China project!
I have to admit, I had a wee advantage over most parents as I had a trial run with TCI a few years ago, so I was prepared this time and knew the standards required to ACE IT!
Neither of my "Mission" buildings ( 4th Grade ) were anything to write home about but when it comes to China I seem to have a real forte. Who knew?
Moving right along.
I've been studying the Water Cycle this week and it's so feckin DEPRESSING!
Think about it.
There you are, one wee droplet of water, hanging out with your droplettes.
Huddling together trying keep cosy overnight in a muddy puddle!
Now! the puddle is obviously of your making because that's your "caste" (No Pacific or Mediterranean for YOU wee droplet!)but why oh why does Miss MUD always feel free to gate crash the party? huh? Because she is a LOSER! Muddy no Mates!
But I digress.
Having rippled the night away (a mild Spring Zephyr decided to join in the shinanigans) the sun begins to rise in the East. Well it would do, that's where it starts work every day.
The heat! the light! You start to rise up towards it! Your evaporating! It's the RAPTURE! wheeeeeeeeeee here I go!
Up up up you go wee droplet...
A bluddy CLOUD!
Cumulus,Stratus, Nimbus, disnae matter a feck, you're stuck, you're a CLOUD!
I reckon how high you fly depends somewhat on Miss Muds infiltration of the "gig" the night before.
BUT you are not alone! More and more wee droplettes are having their dreams shattered too!
It's a gathering of wet idealism.
OH NO, now there are so many of you, PRECIPITATION is rearing it's ugly head and before you know it your RAIN!
Hitting the earth...plop, plop, plop
Back in the puddle for YOU my fine droplet!
And the poor wee feckers have to do it again and again and again.
Now THAT'S Tribulation right there!
Consider the droplet and give the muddy puddle a wee bit reverence the next time you splash through it.
Or not, water is abiotic after all...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Answer The Phone - Sugar Ray

I know it's May but I'm catching up in here sooooo

I got a Kindle for Christmas!
Santa also thought he'd have a good feckin laugh at my expense. The wa*%ker placed a Blueberry? Raspberry? you know, Mr Bells great invention thingymabob under the tree, just for me. Is Santa a complete feckin Eejit or as I suspect, just taking the proverbial ?
Worst Christmas of my life. I was totally overwhelmed by Technology.
The Child Iseult also got one of the Demon, Spawn, Hells-"Bells" machine.
She and SB were yabbering away in Technotalk and I was just staring at the Area51 confiscated scary fecker like a deer in the headlights.
Then they started on me.
Wow Mommy look at this App!
Wow Fi look you can pick up your Emails,connect to FB, have GPS etc,etc.
The pair o' them were on a roll.
ME (in a wee pathetic close to tears voice) Ehmm I've got a question?
THEM (all four eyes on me, eyebrows raised)
Me - How do I call people? and if I get a call how do I pick up?
AND THE CROWD WENT WILD!! Thought it was the funniest thing EVER!
Now just in-case you have never been dragged through Elderberry Hell it comes complete with a wee soft cleaning cloth. It was this wee innocuous item that saved my sanity.
I can clean! I'm a proficient cleaner!If there was an Olympic Cleaning Event I'd bring home GOLD for Scotland.
I do clean equally well here in the US but as I'm not yet a citizen, would not be allowed on Team USA... their loss!
I started cleaning the wee screen, with the wee cloth.
SB - What are ye doin?
Me - cleaning?
SB - Why?
Me - Because the wee feckin CLOTH is the only thing I know how to feckin USE!!!

and a HOHOHO Merry Christmas was had by few.
I'll get the Fat Guy back next year...

Saving the "unopened for a week" Kindle for another post!

P.S. Who in their right mind decides to call a phone a feckin BLACKBERRY anyway????

Monday, May 23, 2011

What Kind of Fool Am I - Sammy Davis

I had a couple of interactions today that I thought were rather amusing...

WT - Mom I need a mute for my Violin
Me - A what?
Me - Oh, ok where will I get one?
WT _ Any of the Music stores, I need it for that long piece we're playing at the Recital on Wednesday night.
Me - That doesn't give me much time to get one, can't you just stop playing?
WT - What? What do you mean "stop playing"?
Me - Well when it's time to use the mute thingy can you not just stop playing?
WT - MOMMY! It changes the TONE it's NOT like the mute button on the TV remote!!
Me - OH!

Going "Mute" shopping tomorrow...DUH!

Earlier at the Ranch chatting with the girlfriends about a Wedding SB and I are attending this coming Friday -

Cowgirl1 - So you all set for the Wedding on Friday?
Me - Yes I am!
Cowgirl1 - What are you wearing?
Me - Sue Wong in champagne and coral
Cowgirl1 - Sue who?
Me - Wong! You need to know your designer Dahling incase your interviewed on the red carpet and they ask who your wearing! *snigger*
Cowgirl2 (obviosly NOT paying attention)- So your dress is by Vera Wang... at Khols?
Me - NO it's by Sue Wong!
Cowgirl2 - Who the fuck is Sue Wong?
Cowgirl1 - Vera Wangs cousin?
Me - aye Sue works fer The Walmart! *sighs*