Sick as a Dog by Aerosmith

Sorry I've been AWOL for a wee while, it's been a tough couple of weeks.
For those of you who don't know my Mom died suddenly on June 8th last year which meant a trip back to Scotland for me. I was there for 10 days and it was surreal.
I may or may not fill you all in on the pantomime antics of my immediate family...suffice to say they turned it into a CIRCUS and I refused to be the Clown.
Moving onwards and upwards.
WTF is with the Medical profession in this country?
I never go to the Doctor unless I'm sick.
That's the way it is back in the Auld Country.
A few weeks ago I decided to make an appointment.
I had a lump! On the inside of my left wrist.
I Goggled "LUMP ON WRIST"
Bless wee Googles heart, it said I had a Ganglion Cyst.
Nothing to worry about but not very attractive.
The Doctor confirms Googles diagnosis and informs me that a wee shot of local anesthetic followed by a huge ass syringe into the offending lump, to drain it, will solve the Camel Hump on the wrist.
I manned up and it was done.
Then
Doctor - Is there anything else Mrs B
Me - Well I have a funky toe
He looks at it and tells me I have two options, have the toenail removed or take Lamasil.
I LIKE my toenails! Even the funky one!
No frigggin way he was pullin out one of those puppies!
Ok we're on the same page but now I have to go and have blood test on my Liver function.
Is the man daft? It's frazzled! lol
Lamasil apparently can cause Liver failure closely followed by death ( OBVI!).
Cute toenail or death ?
No contest, Lamisil for me!
So now we've dealt with the Hump and the Funk and I'm happy as a Sandboy.
All good so far huh? Apart from the imposing death of course, which SB will have to deal with, because I'm outta here, cute Toenail INTACT.
Up until this point the Dr has been charming.
BUT now he has me in his clutches and feeling grateful for draining my Hump and informing me of my impending death with a pretty toe.
Dr - Mrs B you do realize that you are due a...
Suffice to say I now have the Hospital receptionist on my Christmas card list.
More to follow...

RAT by Voodoo Kids

Last week, Banjo the "dug" was sniffin and snarfin around the BBQ.
He's never done that before.
My first though was "shit there's something in there!"
I called him in, closed the doors and went to pick up the girls from School.
When we got home I told the girls about Banjos strange behavior.
TCI - Open the grill Mommy!
ME- Aye RIGHT!
TCI -Oh GO ON!
ME - Nope what if there is a mouse or something in there?
THE GIRLS - aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh
ME- EXACTLY! Wait till SB gets home! ( I actually referred to him as "Daddy" don't want the girls traumatized...)
TCI- Oh MOM! I'll open it
ME- Have at it kiddo!
TCI after a dozen tentative tries and upon my suggestion, got the broom, wedged it under the grill handle and opened the grill. (BRAVE KID)
Nada, zilch, NOTHING!
All three of us burst into hysterical giggles!
Being scared shitless will do that to ya.
Banjo the DAFT DUG!
Yesterday morning.
I'm in the back yard and the "daft dug" is at it AGAIN!
Sniffin and snarfin and jumping and SALIVATING at the BBQ!
So now I'm all balls!
ME( as I march over to the BBQ reaching to open the lid)- Banjo! We've been through this already there's nothing in (opens lid)
SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two feckin RATS! Noses a twitchin, tails a waggin, feckin GRINNING at me!
I slammed down the lid and the wee feckers scooted down the inside of the grill ran across the yard over the fence into the neighbors yard with Banjo in hot pursuit.
He didn't get them but has maintained a silent vigil of the BBQ and the fence for the last 24 hrs.
Good boy Banj! You rat hunter you!
Where was Fiddle ( dog No2) during all this Drama?
HIDING in the family room!
Wee shite