Act Naturally by Buck Owens

The morning of Day 3 "Girls back to school"
The house has become a Beauty Salon between the hours of 6:30 and 7:30 a.m.
Hair, make-up, camera, action!
Screams pitched high enough to pierce any wayward clouds.
Brawls in the bathroom and a wee bit hair pulling just to add injury to the insults.
WTF happened?
I know it's only going to get worse...
Bluddy pre-teens and teenagers.
Mother ( moi!) meanwhile has developed a severe case of "senior" pimples and the bags under the eyes are having a party with the chin hairs, which sprung into life overnight!
Daughters 1 and 2 catwalk out to the car.
Each contending for Americas/Scotlands next Top Model, as I skulk behind, hoping the neighbors are not bearing witness to my demise.
The one saving grace, is that Scoot and I get to spend the next couple of weeks together before his School starts back.
A few months ago he started to ask for Videos. He NEVER asks for anything, I don't count Pizza and Burger King in that statement!
I started to order the tapes he wanted and in due course he had amassed 30 or so.
Not one of them went anywhere near the Video Player!
They were/are stacked in piles, in order, next to his bed.
WTF?
He's never displayed this type of behavior, you know, the lining up, OCD stuff that is quite commonly related to Autism.
I was really quite concerned. Should I be feeding into this?
August 11th is the twins Birthday. The Child Iseult and Scoot were to be 14.
Around the end of July I started to ask them what they would like as a present.
With no hesitation Scoot tells me he wants a Video Camera!
Bizarre request from him to say the least.
Or so I thought, until...
The dim wee candle in my mushy brain flared up!
Of course, that was it!
For quite some time Scoot has been watching youtube and recently happened upon
AUBRYMAN62187.
Scoot just LOVES watching these clips. I have no clue how he found them. Interesting...
BUT it all made sense.
ME - Scoot are you going to make videos of your Video Tapes
SCOOT - YES ( grinning and giggling )
He's got the Tapes, he's got the Camera, he's working on the dialogue, I'll keep you all posted on the new, upcoming You Tube release!
Oh and Thank you Aubreyman,thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Paper Trail by TI

I'm here. Of course I'm not annoyed @ MIKE.
You just want me to keep on having to tell you I love you! Bad Mike!

The girls started back at School today. The Child Iseult to High School (Freshman) and WT into 5th Grade. Scoot is off now for 2 weeks having completed 6 weeks of Summer School. The three of them are like a bluddy Tag Team.
This feckin School System drives me to drink!
I could walk but I don't like to sway and stagger in public!
Every year.
I repeat (for the hard of hearing) EVERY FECKIN YEAR. I used FECKIN because I'm incensed and using the F adjective seems to release endorphins. See, already I feel less pained.
Student information.
Name, address, age, grade, parents, phone numbers, doctor, dentist, emergency contacts, etc
Great!
Seven bits of paper, all different colours (pretty).
BUT EVERY FECKIN YEAR?
Correct me if I'm a total feckin Eejit but would it not be easier to call OR email and ask " any changes since last year? "
You see, that would mean me saying "No" three times OR typing No three times.
FECKIN piece of cake!
But Oh no no no. Lets employ someone to copy all these papers this year AGAIN ( all different colours remember, so a wee bit more time consuming) employ someone to staple them all and make them into lovely wee packets.
I then get to go and pick them up.
Then best of all I get to WASTE my feckin time AGAIN filling out the same shyte I've been filling out for 5 years! 5 years x 3 kids...OH feck it, do the math!
OH OH and lets not forget!
Someone has to DESTROY all of last years information!
BECAUSE IT WAS THE FECKIN SAME!
The Schools have no money.
WT came home this afternoon with a book of Coupons she has been asked to sell for fund raising at $30 a pop.
If the school had not destroyed duplicate information for five consecutive years...
Hell the cost of bluddy staples would cover the $30!
There, I feel much better now.
I'm glad I waited a week prior to posting this, I can only imagine the expletive explosion had I written whilst REALLY annoyed.
There are more tirades lined up waiting their turn but I have made an executive decision, not to post anything with more than 10 fecks/feckin/Eejit.
Aye, we'll see how long that rule lasts...

Don't Fish in My Sea by Ma Rainey

Whale Wars!



I stumbled upon this intriguing series... literally
I'd had a couple of bottles of wine, bottles? glasses?
I do, hazily recall, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass, pouring wine from a bottle into a glass...
I was arsing around with On Demand at some point, having poured a glass of wine, when Whale Wars appeared, like Magic it was!.
I don't know if any of you have seen the show, if not, I have no intention of giving an "in depth" account. See me going all nautical there?
Suffice to say it's about a bunch of Wackos, collectively known as the Sea Shepherds. They are on a boat, somewhere feckin FREEZING, trying to stop Japanese Whaling Ships from killing Whales.
All very commendable. Yes?

I'm all about saving animals, it's pretty much what I do.
I saved two of my horses from a life of eternal catatonia.
Two more, who had just been given up on and the last one would have been on a plate in a French Restaurant for sure had I not paid the princely sum of $650 for her.
Both of my dogs are rescues.
Banjo from the pound and Fiddle from some spaced out,aging, Wiccan Wifie, who had fed him so much the poor wee bugger could barely walk.
So you see, animals play a huge part in my life and if I could, I would save them all.

But FISH?
BIG FECKIN FISH? ( I know, I know they're mammals and all that )
BIG FECKIN FISH, IN THE SEA?
BIG FECKIN "WILD" FISH IN THE SEA?
Mental is what it is...
Fish are Fishy Fer Feck SAKE!
To sign a waiver, stating that you are "aware you may DIE" trying to save FISH?
I just do not get it...
So I'll shut up and settle down to watch the next episode, it's really rather good.

All Summer "LONG" by Kid Rock

It's August.
My pendulous breasts are swinging and slapping as normal, so nothing new there.
Thanks MIKE darlin!
What a feckin summer this has been!
No thats not right and is just asking for a Mike/Bilbo/John/LA smart "bum" comment! Rephrase * What a Summer this has feckin been!
There, I think thats better...time will tell.
I apologise for not being my usual "ardent blog reader" and promise to try and catch up asap!
Following many a schizophrenic episode, I concluded that if I were a writer, I could come in here and excuse myself as having had writers block.
Since I am not a writer and only punt out twaddle, I have to say I have been suffering from Twaddle Block!
Does that read better as one word?
Lets see shall we?
Twaddleblock.
I LIKE that! A new cuss word perhaps?
Go feck yerself TWADDLEBLOCK!
Oh yes! I feel the Twaddle rushing to the surface, even as I type furiously with both index fingers.
Twaddle is not easy, a brain, even one cell, totally disturbs it's natural, random, growth.
As Summer nears it's conclusion and my brain shuts down for Fall, Winter and Spring, a veritable influx of Twaddle is rising, rising into the cavity where once reigned sanity.
Holy humping badgers, I'm even becoming Poetic!
Who knows where this may lead?
Assume crash position people!

Sinking by Gwen Stefani

Honey I'm HOME!
My wee vacation on Facebook was rather nice.
She is not nearly as demanding as old "Bloggy" here!
Vacation over and back to the serious business of Blogging...
So much has happened over the last few weeks I should have plenty to tell you and I DO!
So fasten your seat belts, keep your hands by your sides and under no circumstances stand up. Unless your driving a car, then hands would be useful but you need to sign a disclaimer.
The Kitchen.
The kitchen has been remodeled.
THAT was an experience I hope never to have to live through again - EVER
I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
Living with no kitchen for a week will put even the sanest member of society over the edge and I'm Wacko on a good day.
The cabinet guys were... interesting?
One clean cut Hispanic with some powerful tools, the other an aging hippie who just kinda hung around for a week in my kitchen from whence there arose some aromas. Kept the kids and dogs in a nice quiet haze of tranquility...nuff said.
The Granite guys stole the show though.
Two teeny wee Hispanics wrestling with slabs of solid Granite is NOT funny. They almost took out Scoot and missed my kitchen light by the hair of a Test-aye-cal!
Why would you employ the most feeble Mexicans from Mexico to install Granite? MENTAL!
I had to revive them with water!
No way I was calling 911 to report 2 dead Hispanics in my feckin kitchen!
After around half an hour of recovery time they started in on slab No2, poor wee buggers...
They barely survived and left wheezing,gasping,sweating,a lot hot under the collar.
Ta da my new kitchen!
Sink
I'd convinced SB that a copper sink would be beautiful.
SB being the good husband that he is went with it.
Sure enough the copper sink with the black/antique copper counters looked smashing!
Until the water was hooked up and the sink had to take on it's role of being a FECKIN KITCHEN SINK!
Patina
PATINA
Why did I not know this?
Why did the thought not even cross my mind?
Copper = PATINA
The instant water hit the fecker...PATINA
I can't look at it!
SB has to give me a daily update when I ask "How's the FECKER looking this morning"
Investigation lead me to a leaflet in the box the sink came in...
"DO NOT PANIC for the first few weeks following the installation of your sink!"
PANIC? I'm sounding like a Chihuahua giving birth to a litter of feckin porcupines!
"You new sink will take time to naturally evolve"
EVOLVE? Evolution, Hmmmm...of a feckin SINK!
Shattered, is what I am.
Sometimes SB should tell me to bugger off when I have smart ass ideas, he really should.

Everybody is a Star by Sly and The Family Stone

Hangover Ratings, prepping for the weekend !

1 * Hangover

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up
there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 ** Hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the
attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer
valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 *** Hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so
productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you
of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked
you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet
coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 **** Hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might barf.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you
(depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks
like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and
your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger
and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have
gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 ***** Hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee
who sits next to you.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and
your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You
should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe
..... very gently.

6 ****** Hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly
around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the
pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode
and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you
have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and
farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse
and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-
minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try
to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits
of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving
you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like
moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours
at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!

Unbelievable by EMF

I'm feeling a bit like Victor Meldrew!
Why don't I know things?
HUH?




I don't believe it!

LA had trouble with my embedding - That's what she said!
So here's a LINK!