Answer The Phone - Sugar Ray

I know it's May but I'm catching up in here sooooo

I got a Kindle for Christmas!
Santa also thought he'd have a good feckin laugh at my expense. The wa*%ker placed a Blueberry? Raspberry? you know, Mr Bells great invention thingymabob under the tree, just for me. Is Santa a complete feckin Eejit or as I suspect, just taking the proverbial ?
Worst Christmas of my life. I was totally overwhelmed by Technology.
The Child Iseult also got one of the Demon, Spawn, Hells-"Bells" machine.
She and SB were yabbering away in Technotalk and I was just staring at the Area51 confiscated scary fecker like a deer in the headlights.
Then they started on me.
Wow Mommy look at this App!
Wow Fi look you can pick up your Emails,connect to FB, have GPS etc,etc.
The pair o' them were on a roll.
ME (in a wee pathetic close to tears voice) Ehmm I've got a question?
THEM (all four eyes on me, eyebrows raised)
Me - How do I call people? and if I get a call how do I pick up?
AND THE CROWD WENT WILD!! Thought it was the funniest thing EVER!
Now just in-case you have never been dragged through Elderberry Hell it comes complete with a wee soft cleaning cloth. It was this wee innocuous item that saved my sanity.
I can clean! I'm a proficient cleaner!If there was an Olympic Cleaning Event I'd bring home GOLD for Scotland.
I do clean equally well here in the US but as I'm not yet a citizen, would not be allowed on Team USA... their loss!
I started cleaning the wee screen, with the wee cloth.
SB - What are ye doin?
Me - cleaning?
SB - Why?
Me - Because the wee feckin CLOTH is the only thing I know how to feckin USE!!!

and a HOHOHO Merry Christmas was had by few.
I'll get the Fat Guy back next year...

Saving the "unopened for a week" Kindle for another post!

P.S. Who in their right mind decides to call a phone a feckin BLACKBERRY anyway????

What Kind of Fool Am I - Sammy Davis

I had a couple of interactions today that I thought were rather amusing...

WT - Mom I need a mute for my Violin
Me - A what?
WT - A MUTE!
Me - Oh, ok where will I get one?
WT _ Any of the Music stores, I need it for that long piece we're playing at the Recital on Wednesday night.
Me - That doesn't give me much time to get one, can't you just stop playing?
WT - What? What do you mean "stop playing"?
Me - Well when it's time to use the mute thingy can you not just stop playing?
WT - MOMMY! It changes the TONE it's NOT like the mute button on the TV remote!!
Me - OH!

Going "Mute" shopping tomorrow...DUH!

Earlier at the Ranch chatting with the girlfriends about a Wedding SB and I are attending this coming Friday -

Cowgirl1 - So you all set for the Wedding on Friday?
Me - Yes I am!
Cowgirl1 - What are you wearing?
Me - Sue Wong in champagne and coral
Cowgirl1 - Sue who?
Me - Wong! You need to know your designer Dahling incase your interviewed on the red carpet and they ask who your wearing! *snigger*
Cowgirl2 (obviosly NOT paying attention)- So your dress is by Vera Wang... at Khols?
Me - NO it's by Sue Wong!
Cowgirl2 - Who the fuck is Sue Wong?
Cowgirl1 - Vera Wangs cousin?
Me - aye Sue works fer The Walmart! *sighs*

Pick Yourself Up - Jerome Kern

Bluddy Hell I'm back!
I've missed you all and I take full responsibility for going AWOL.
My best blogeroonies have by "chance" or choice stalked my sorry ass down on Face Book aka I have no life ( at least for me thats what it represents)
WAIT! Maybe I stalked them in a moment of lucidity free from the horrors of FB APPS!!

My blog buddies seem not to have succumbed to the EVIL that is Farmville, Mafia Wars, Frontierville etc etc.
I can now stand up in this crowded blog (hey a girl can dream! ) and say in a somewhat quivering voice ( still recovering for fuck sake! ) "My name is Fiona and I play FB games"
That was NOT easy you know?
It's a full time friggin job! Milk a cow here, plant some crops there, whack a few mobsters on the way and lets not forget the Zuma Blitz Frog! dinnae even ask...
Anyway I've picked myself up, dusted myself off and am starting all over again.
It feels good to be blogging again.

Baby Come Back by Player

SB is in Asia this week, best place for him.
Downside, I have to cook.
I can cook but choose not to, most of the time.
He on the other hand, well just lets say its like living with Julia feckin Child meets Gordon fuckin Ramsay.
He is a very good cook but oh the trail of devastation he leaves in his wake.
He's a Kitchen ABUSER.
No counter top is safe, the stove is a weak defenseless critter and the copper sink has never had the chance to evolve and Patina, such is his domination over it.
Poor wee sink.
He drips!
Yes he does!
It's nasty...
He abuses the sink and then drips EVERYWHERE!
The floor and cabinets take most of his drippyness - that's not a word, spell check is yelling at me with her rather sexy red dots, do I care? not one JOT!
Whilst I normally partake of delicacies beyond avarice, tonight I'm having frozen Mac and Cheese (microwave) BUT my Kitchen is GLEAMING!
I am surrounded by contented counters, a smiling stove, convivial cabinets, fanciful floors and a SPARKLING sink.
I'm feckin STARVING though!
Hurry back SB, the Kitchen NEEDS YOU!

Memories by Barbra Sriesand

Memory is a fickle companion.
Recently the most random recollections have popped to the forefront of the old gray matter.
Things I'd forgotten
I don't like it.
Memory stalker!
Today for example, I was talking to the kids about being sent out out play (all day) when I was only three years old. It was the norm way back then, loads of wee bairns running around the streets.
Woooosh up pops a memory , so vivid I think it must have had a full color done at the brain salon.
I'm three, maybe four but I don't think so...
I was to give a horse shoe to a neighbor who was getting married that day.
A uniquely Scottish custom?
Wee bairns give rather pretty silver plastic horseshoes to new brides as they exit the Church, for luck. It's quite the honour.
Mum was out and Dad sent me out to play at the swing park across the road.
Crossing roads wasn't really a problem, I think there were only about 5 cars total in a five mile radius.
At the park I remember there was an older girl. I asked her if she would lift me up into the "baby" swing. They were made of wood back in the day with a metal crossbar to hold you in.
She picked me up, plopped my ass in and feckin LEFT!
God only knows how long I hung there!
I was trapped!
The swing was designed to KEEP ME IN.
Not a bugger in sight to help me.
I needed to poop.
And I did.
I was definitely potty trained and you can hold a poop in for quite some time which leads me to believe I was hanging there for a few hours.
So now I'm trapped in POOP!
My Dad eventually decided to come looking for me.
My Knight in shining armor, NOT!
He was furious with wee Miss Poopy pants.
Again I don't know if this behavior is only Scottish but ALL parents (in the home and in public) not only spanked their kids but turned it into an art form with rhythmic yelling.
WHAT - spank - THE - spank - HELL - spank - DID - spank - YOU - spank - DO - spank -THAT - spank - FOR- spank ( rep chorus all the way home)
It was with a sparkly clean ass and red throbbing legs I handed the Bride her horseshoe to wish her luck...should have kept the fecker for myself, I was the more needy.
Aye...

Moving On Up by M People

Where was I?
Oh yes, boobs.
I had my first Victorias Secret experience a few weeks ago and what an experience it was!
Move over Wallyworld we're done.
It was fine while it lasted but you never enhanced me to my full potential.
BAD Walmart.

I only went to Victorias Secret to have the girls fitted ( daughters! ) and in a moment of abject misery, surrounded by beautiful lingerie and beautiful women I had a brain fart and decided to get myself measured to see if VS could "raise" me out of my despair.
I was indeed measured. The outcome?

I've been AUGMENTED!
I looked it up in the dictionary and it says - ( To make (something already developed or well under way) greater, as in size, extent, or quantity )

No Victorias Secret did NOT give me a 3rd boob.
My boobs are developed though and the term "under way" definatley applies
- thank you gravity for that one, you nasty, nasty piece of work.

My cup size went from "C" to "DD" with just one glance at a measuring tape.
Bluddy amazing...
They got me trussed up like a feckin chicken, started my credit card smoking
( Marlboro Lights up to 20 a day) and home I trotted with a rather pretty pink bag full of DD, did you get that? DD! bras.


Me - Ma boobs are afwy close tae ma chin! I'm no likin this.
SB - Eh?
Me - I SAID, Ma boobs are afwy close tae ma chin!
SB - I hate to tell you this but thats where they're supposed to be.
Me - Well I'm still no likin it *sighs*
SB - It'll take a while to get used to it I suppose, it's been a while.
Me - Are you sue this is where they're supposed to be?
SB - I'm sure

I'm still skeptical.
Got nice undies though!

Don't look back in anger - Oasis

Bluddy Hell...she's BACK
And inspired by the one and only DOLLY!
Listening to her tonight and thinking - my BLOG - WTF happened?
So, after my AWOL, here I find myself, in a relationship with "The Italian Stallion" Mr Pinot Grigio himself and missing all my blogpals.
Dinnae worry the SB is "alive and Kicking"
It's been one shit year.. but shit happens.
Here I am older,uglier,droopier (did I ever mention that I can sunbathe on my tummy and end up with BURNT nipples ? )
GIRD YOUR LOINS!
I NEVER take prisoners ;0)