Stuck in the middle with you

The girls wanted to read my blog so we did ...kinda, real time parental blocks.
WTF happened to Joe Diffie on youtube??
He was deleted. Gone. Period. How can that happen? Misuse it said. I know it was a tad black but hell I watched Dora The Explorer get her brains blown out today! On friggin youtube. Anyway I've given you the best replacement I can find. Guy singing is cute! check him out girls.
THEN...I had no idea I had "Honey I shrunk the Dolly" Remember dear readers I am a wee bit challenged with this PC stuff. My only intention was to give Dolly a break NOT to turn her into a "little person" mea culpa mea culpa mea culpa well slap my wrists and make me horney!
Blog to the left of me Dolly to the right...
Grow Dolly Grow...

Chicken Dance

I would rather be a Penguin than a Seal.
Cos seals can't dance worth diddlysquat and no-one wants to bash baby penguins with big sticks!


I'd choose chicken over beef too. Just watch these groovy chicks go!

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I'm back.
Flew out to Scotland on Saturday back late Wednesday night. Two full days back home Monday funeral and Tuesday emptying Uncle Aunds rooms. It's been surreal. Need to get my brain working again.
Being with your own folk is essential at times like these. Not just family and friends but also Scottish Cabin Crew. They get it. Let me explain...I've been crying for 4 days (not something I've ever managed to do gracefully, all snot and Kermit eyes for me) I get on the first flight San Fransisco to Philly and am promptly ignored by all flight crew. Then Philly to London where I got a sandwich flung at me and paid $9 for a scotch and 7up. Boarded the London to Edinburgh flight and as I got on the first thing one of the Cabin Crew said was " ur yeh aw-right hen" Translate :- are you okay sweetie. Floods of tears from me. Let me tell you, she had a wee bottle of wine down my throat prior to take-off and continued to replenish my glass until we landed. Gave me a hug as I staggered off. Go British Airways!!


Uncle Aund had only one request and it was not honored. It's ok though because my mom is "old school" and felt really uncomfortable with it. He wanted a certain song played at his funeral.
I think it says everything about his sense of his lifelong sense of humour and genuine wit.

Please enjoy Uncle Aunds favourite song...what a guy!

Thank you for loving me

Still incapable of coherent speech but want to thank everyone for emails, cards and kind words. Love to you all

Shoud've been a cowboy

Got a call from my mum this morning.
My Uncle Aund passed away last night.
Typing through the tears, don't know what else to do.
I'm flying home on Saturday for the funeral Monday.
He was the best Cowboy of them all.

She drives me crazy

"Happy Cows come from California"
I think not!
"Happy Cows come from Scotland"
Granted most of them are "MAD" but whats a wee bit of "the insanity" if you are happy?
Home in June we were amazed at the grins on the faces of the "Coos" ( cows ) as we drove past their lush fields of green. Albeit the grins were verging on manic.



Have to say that these Coos were HUGE.
Nothing like the scrawny bedraggled excuses you see here.
Huge, fat, happy, mad, Coos, each and every one.
Most especially the good old "Highland Coo"
And they're smart! They call each other on Public Telephones regularly! I just know they'll all be wanting cell phones next.



Are very talented!



Ask yourself, when was the last time you saw tourists stopping to photograph Cows in California?
Highland cows are more photographed then Queen Lizzy.
Not that she's brought out much for a public airing these days, but you get my drift.
Now scottish sheep on the other hand...a whole blog in itself

Straight Up??

Eddie Izzard then -



Eddie now -


What happened???
I'm friggin freakin...try saying that after a couple of bottles, of wine!
I leave the UK for 9 years and this is the result!
From hot TV chick/guy to looking like Ricky Gervais!

Eddie and Ricky are the two funniest guys I know, but come on Eddie get back into your stockings dude! Wee dab of lipstick and you'll be back to normal.
Alternative, I'm going to have to fly back over the pond and kick your T.V. bottom.
Bottom is a great word!

I'd rather be safe than sorry

You never hear a man complaining that "she left the toilet seat down again" now do you?
Some women are always complaining about the seat being up, I don't get it, whats the big deal?
We know men have very little, if any control over their "MrDK's" even when it's in their own hand. Sometimes especially then...hmmmmm
They need those few inches of toilet circumference that lifting the lid gives them. It's just a comfort thing, like a Binky or a Blanky.

I just measured my toilet.
Lid down W = 81/2" L 101/2"
Lid up W = 10" L 12"

That one extra inch all round means SO much to them.
I think that they are so happy to be able to "steer" MrDK with minimum spillage that they just plain forget that the seat was ever down.
Bless them all...

Sick of Myself

I'm ill.
You wait all summer for that wonderful day when your kids go back to school.
There's always a catch though.
The little horrors manage to contaminate themselves with every viral infectious disease on the planet.
Not that they display any symptoms ( well maybe the odd sniffle)oh no, they deliberatley bring the wee feckers home hidden in clothes, backpacks,shoes etc.
So just when the unsuspecting "mommy" is getting ready to monopolise on her new found freedom out they come and totally destroy her immune system.
So I'm ill.
Just to top it all off I go to Wally World to get some cold/flu medication only to encounter a wee Asian lady in the "facial products section".
I'm walking down there to get to Cold Remedies, minding my own business, looking like crap, feeling really sorry for myself and she POUNCES. WTF??
Waving a tube of Olay Regenerist in my face ( I know I look like hell but give me a break lady, I'm ill!)
Her - This very good Olay for you!
Me - Hmm
Her - Yes you buy
Me - Oh I ehmm...
Her - I use every day for years and look my skin!
Me - yes, very nice
Her - You buy, you look like me soon
Me - Hmmmm?
Her - yes you look like me, I 71 years old!

Stick a fork in me I'M DONE. Think I'll give decapitation a try, save myself a fortune on "OLAY"

I bought a tube...OK!!

Living in America

Autumn is Fall because Fall is easier to spell. Now you know.

Darwin.
The Child Iseult is convinced she is a "Little Person" (I'm hoping that's PC )
Everyone in her Grade is taller than her, hell they're taller than me, in fact some of them are taller than me sitting on the sex bombs shoulders...not a pleasant thought.
It's genetic I tell her. We Scots have the historical wee gene.
Just look at the size of that wee baby!!


I am challenged daily by shelves.
Our entire home is ergonomically designed for the average American 6 footer. I haul a stool around.

Getting into the hughmungus car requires helmet, harness rope spring loaded cams, nuts and quickdraws.
We have to practice "climbing" into the car to prevent serious injury.

The sex bomb just hates it when I do that!

Huge appliances. My mums stove,microwave,fridge and dishwasher would all fit into my fridge with room for half a dozen eggs and a carton of milk.

My mums cute WEE fridge. Try getting a gallon of milk in that puppy!

Food. Dinner plates the size of Frisbees and they wonder why the obesity?
The dinner plates we brought from Scotland look like saucers next to their American counterparts.
We tried to make them feel better by telling them that they actually were saucers but they know... who dishes up dinner on a saucer and why did they have no matching cups?
I bring them out occasionally for a wash and dry just to make them feel useful.

Furniture. Our wee Scottish furniture is in the living room and the Family room hosts our Ginormous American purchases. It's like Alice in Friggin Wonderland here.

The Child Iseult will come to realise that she is perfectly normal she's just living in a land of Big Stuff. She needs to know...

Take the Devil

FOR SALE

Three children for sale to good home.

One set of twins to be sold as is




One individual, manages to make up for the other two put together though.


Will consider selling separately.
Up to date on shots, dental work and actually have very nice clothes now that I think about it.
Their excellent bloodlines are unfortunately wasted on them, resulting in the decision to sell.
Any interested parties please feel free to contact me ASAP.

By the way they get their looks from the sex bomb not a moustache in sight!

Guantanamera!

And I though I was smart...pah
Here it is.
Every day at the Ranch, Pedro, the very nice Stall Cleaner grins at me and says,
" como estas?"
I grin back and say " de nada"
Now, I did think it strange that he would give a muffled giggle but hey, Spanish with a Scottish accent might sound a wee bit funny, right?
It became a tad more odd when he started to invite his buddy's, family and every other Spanish speaker at the Ranch ( some I think he just pulled in off the street...didn't recognise them) to be present during our daily discourse.
Odd but rather nice in a "wow aren't I popular" way, lots of smiling faces and "these people are so friendly" way.
DUH...
He shows up yesterday, doesn't usually work Sunday and gives his usual greeting and is met with my usual response. My darling student starts laughing and says " What did you just say?" I repeat, still grinning, now like a demented chimp on acid, thinking am I'm getting this whole new language thing ?
HA HA HA...NOT
Apparently, as I was informed, after she composed herself and managed not to fall off the horse, I am supposed to say " Bien Gracias, y usted?" but guess what, I'm not gonna, so there!
I'll stick with "de nada" I like it, Pedro likes it, hell his bluddy whole community likes it.

I'll continue later, need to shop, my road is being "Slurried" ????????? today, major inconvenience and I want to know why Autumn is Fall?


This is me, blending in with the locals!
Wow I really need to get to the Salon, all this facial hair does NOT become me...

Welcome Home, welcome, come on in and close the door

Narms advice worked!!
My toolbar is back all safe and sound.
Some dude in the milk section of Luckys recognised her and called me.
She is as feisty as ever about "spellcheck" but you gotta love the gal.
Apparently she was holed up with an "edit Html" guy for the day.
Dirty little madam!

Swing Low...sweet chariot

The Child Iseult was on her game today. My "Vickys Secret" GF came over and we got talking about boobs...AGAIN.

She starts twittering on about the big VS sale and me getting "fitted".
Apparently you have to have this done by a woman??
WTF? you have to go gay to buy a bra these days?
If anyone is venturing even remotely close to my "girls" HE is going to be hot.
No way is some chick checking them out and I don't care how cute she is!
Then she starts on about "bra types" ...who knew?
Two cups, some serious under wire ( construction strength) and I'm good to go.
I am titillatingly gorgeous in my Ross Rejects.
Demi-bra? What you only get one cup? Let the other one swing ( and I'm talking National Geographic African Tribeswoman here)
THEN I'm going on about built in bra T-shirts and the problems they pose...for me.
The Child Iseult quips " Mommy you have a UNI-BOOB"
Uni-boob?
Am I a medical miracle?, a freak of nature?
Uni-boob, the latest fashion statement?
YES people I am the Uni-boob pioneer.
Lets just see the reaction in VS when I inform them of my unusual ehmm "condition"
None of the staff in Ross would bat an eyelid!

baby come back

This mornings blog was really scary! I was using Scoots computer on which the sex bomb had just installed Windows Vista...?
I had NO SPELLCHECK aaaaarggggggggghhhhhhhhhh.
It was like blogging in a parallel universe.
No tool bar.
Where did it go?
More to the point where the heck is it?

Out there, somewhere in Cyber, sad, lonely, newly laid off by "someone" poor wee toolbar!
Come back sweetie Momma loves you!
Momma needs you!
You stop Momma from looking like a total eejit.
I know we have our differences when it comes to the "English" language but never forget you make Momma proud.
With your wee "bold tags" "italic tags" "insert links" "inset block quote" "check spelling" "add image" "add video".
Who cares that I don't know or care how most of them work, Momma is so proud of you! Please come back.
Just so you know I'm on a mission, all titles, song titles , going to see how many I can do!

Who let the Dogs out?

A financial and moral success for those of you out there waiting with baited breath.

Anyhoo, did my good deed for the day before 9a.m. Our daft dog was yelping and scrabbling at the
front door. When I looked out there was the most adorable little Beagle mix sitting out front.
Luckily he had his tags on so I called "Blackies" owner who came and collected him. Feeling
good about that.
The HG "cured" our mutt from his wandering ways, didn't ask how he did it, don't know if I'd
approve of the answer j/k
Suffice to say I can now leave the door open to unload groceries,put out trash cans etc instead
of having the whole Fort Knox thing going on and screaming at Scoot "Don't let the dog out!"
Nothing worse than searching the streets for a black dog at night!
Well of course there are worse things, but it's up there in my top 100, right before having your girlfriend call you to tell you that the Dollar Store has a new shipment of bras in and if you buy one your going on her hit list!
If she was REALLY a GF she'd have bought me a dozen!
Of course when I tell her this she makes the lame excuse "I don't know your size"
Since when the hell did size matter??? For a Dollar I'll squeeze or stuff!
Need to go call my mum now to give her the result of todays fiasco,she'll be relieved.

Bridge over troubled water

I was scrabbling around in one of my "Autie" web rooms and came across this, thought I'd share.


Sometimes we just need to be
reminded!

A well-known speaker started off his
seminar by

holding up a $20.00 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked,

'Who would like this $20 bill?'

Hands started going up.

He said, 'I am going to give this
$20 to one of you

but first, let me do this.

He proceeded to crumple up the $20
dollar bill.

He then asked, 'Who still wants it?'

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, 'What if I do
this?'

And he dropped it on the ground

and started to grind it into the
floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and
dirty.

'Now, who still wants it?'

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a
very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money,
you still wanted it

because it did not decrease in
value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives,

we are dropped, crumpled, and ground
into the dirt

by the decisions we make and

the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or

what will happen, you will never
lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely
creased,

you are still priceless to those who
DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in
what we do or who we know,

but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.

You are special- Don't EVER forget
it.'

If you do not pass this on, you may
never know the

lives it touches, the hurting hearts
it speaks to,

or the hope that it can bring.

Count your blessings, not your
problems.

'And remember: amateurs built the
ark ...

professionals built the Titanic.

If God brings you to it - He will
bring you through it.

Give it Away

Then it was Tuesday. I am stupid, stupider? ok lets just leave it as "daft".
Where I come from our total population is around 4 1/2 million so an evacuation of 2 million would = Yes, half of the population. I forget just how huge this country is! Still have to question my "Alien Abduction" theory though.
Yesterday was fun and somewhat interesting. We had a BBQ with my GF and her "mean" hubby. LOL
I'm talking ( there's a novel experience!) about an HBO Documentary I watched last week "Chinas lost Children" and am informed by aforementioned "meanie" that the ratio of male to female is around 27:1. He goes on to divulge that there is a future for "ladies of the night" in China.
Well in that case I'm going! At last, a paid job as opposed to "work" Encouraging GF to embrace the idea and work with me.

Me on my first day at work.

I start singing "leaving on a jet plane" and he says...get this, "no, I don't think you would have any luck"
WHAT?
I was devistated! No job future there then. Pfffffft! The way the conversation was going I couldn't even give it away. Needless to say I fired the mean Whoremeister and am actively looking for a GOOD Pimp!
Interviews to be held asap.
It would make for some interesting blogging.

Then, I receive the strangest voice mail.
Wondering if I am unwell or having a really negative attitude? WTF?
Well I feel just fine so I'm guessing it's " negative attitude syndrome" LOL
Actually all is harmonious in my wee corner of the planet.

The sex bomb is on a mission with his wee measuring tape and room plans. I am to have a study in the fifth bedroom wooohoo. We have been planning it for well over a year now but the room has been fully booked until now. It will give him somewhere to work from home and the kids can do homework, have computer access etc. I'll also get rid of the CD/book clutter onto custom built shelving. Of course he will be sawing and hammering for bluddy months to come but it'll be worth it.
I'm hoping for something along these lines:-

Stormy Weather

So George doesn't want to go visit lest he disrupts the emergency services. Not like him.
Turned on the TV this morning to be met with the news, 2 million people evacuated and here's the rub, no talking about where they have gone! Not reported on MSNBC anyway.
2 million, thats a LOT of friggin people! What about pets and livestock? Did they get left?
I'm paying close attention to this one. 2 friggin million...wow.
WHERE ARE THEY?
It' like some large scale alien abduction.