C'est comme ca - Les Rita Mitsouko

Now that the fat guy has done his thing and I am well rested (yesterday, Boxing Day, was spent in a state of catatonic, overindulgent, euphoric, bliss. Varying degrees of each) it's time to PARTY!
Tonight we "grown ups" get to eat, drink and be merry.
We started our annual post Christmas, pre New Year "shindig" quite a few years ago.
It's quite lovely to have all our friends together.
The participants have varied somewhat over the years and this year will be no different.
My "Sailor" buddy has gone back home (other side of this friggin HUGE country) and I miss him terribly.
On a happier note though, I have re-connected with an old friend who I also missed but is back into my life and is coming along tonight with her wee family.
Com si com sa,
C'est la vie,
Oooooh la la,
Ok I'm turning into Pepe le Pew, what's that all about?
Je ne sais quoi?

MOI

It's a Sin - Pet Shop Boys

I love Santa.
I do think though that he's got a wee bit o' "the alzheimers" this year.

I got - A beautiful Michael Aram, Fairy Chariot Wine Caddy. No friggin wine included.
I got - A hi-tech Sewing Machine. Not a friggin thread to be seen.
I got - WoooHooo A SPEED BALL AND GLOVES!. No friggin pump to blow it up.

Guess who's going shopping tomorrow?

Merry Christmas - Slade

So here it is...Merry Christmas!
The cookies are baked, new PJ's for the kids who are all showered and lookin/smellin good.
Horses worked and fed.
Dogs walked and fed.
Husband "Morris Dancing", don't even ask! I think he's looking to accompany WT as she masters her Violin.
It's 7:30 and we're working to Scoots' schedule.
He wrote it six weeks ago and has carried it EVERYWHERE.
Teachers had to laminate it when he insisted on taking it to the bathroom with him.
Family movie in 3 minutes.
Yes it's THAT precise!
From the bottom of my heart I would like to wish each of you a Very Merry Christmas and if Christmas ain't your thing then Merry Whateverelserocksyerboat!
* This post was typed with love and good will to all *
Hugs
Fxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Double Trouble - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Honestly, boys and their boobs...or lack thereof
The things I do to keep the peace in the blogiverse ( new word)
So without further ado
BOOBIES you can play with!
Never let it be said that I don't put out for you guys.
Bilbo and Mike !
Wait.
I think I wrote that wrong.
Oh dear, now I'm all addlepated.
It's the language barrier thing. Again.
*shaking head*
OMG I've just gone and done it again...double entendre day?
Now that might be worth considering...

Peaceful Easy Feeling - Eagles

Booby Sunday without the boobs.
Booo said the crowd.
Well "stuff my bra and call me Dolly" I'm just not in the mood.
No bah humbug, just cold, wet ( rain wet ) and wiped.
I've been working all weekend.
The horses were...excited cause Santa's coming?
That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
I'd asked my three "best gals" (students) to spend the whole afternoon riding as a wee pressie.
It rained.
Hard.
Bouncing.
We headed up to the indoor arena.
We never ride there.
Horses all had varying degrees of "Sybil" moments.
Mental, mental I tell ya!
My gals were wonderful, as always and everything settled down.
It's quite the "easy peaceful feeling" to watch these kids, who started with me almost 6 years ago as 8 or 9 years olds.
They have gone from quiet, shy kids to strong, confident, hilarious teenagers.
I would like to think that I have been a positive, nurturing influence in their journey.
One thing I do know for sure.
Each and every one of them can ride a friggin horse!
They are wonderful girls and I take all credit for their horsemanship and horse savvy.
It's a wonderful feeling, all cosy and fuzzy.
I watch them with my horses and think " I did that"
It's what keeps me doing what I do, even on wet , cold , miserable days.
Wow, what a trip...
This post is for them.
4 days and counting, HOHOHO

Blonde on Blonde - Bob Dylan

I think I may as face up to it and bleach my friggin hair.
I am having more "blond" moments than I care to share.



This morning, off I trundle to Wally World.
The Sex Bomb had informed me that he needed a new tool box.
I decide to go all out and buy him a hughfeckinmungolicious (new word - add to fispeak)
bright red shiny contraption. On wheels!
He can walk around with it!
Show off to the neighbours!
March pompously around the court fixing things...whatever, I'm just being silly now.



Wally World Wombatical Assistant(WWWA) - Would you like help?
Me - ( Nah, do I look like a wimpy woman?) Of course I need help.
(This is one BIG red "Mummy Humper")!

I pay at the checkout.
Now a second WWWA has gimped over to assist WWWA No1.
Out to the car and following some rather serious exertions ( I was sure one or both of them were going to require medical attention) my luverrly red tool thingy is loaded into the car.

WWWA 1 and 2 take the rest of the day off.
I doubt they did but I would have recommended it, if I had cared.
They were both gimping more and looked a tad more rabid.
Not to worry.
I'm happy.
I smile all the way home, yep all 31/2 minutes of grinning.
I pull into the drive, get out of the car, open the trunk.
WTF was I thinking?
No way in hell I'm moving that Mummy Humper anywhere.
So it sits. Alone.
I'm going to cheer it up by slapping a bow on it.
SB cannot go near my car until HOHOHO.
I'm also going to throw a couple of jackets over it, we had frost this morning.
FROST.
I had to De-ice the car.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr YES I roll a very good R!

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

As you are all very aware by now, I don't mess with US politics.
I am however somewhat intrigued by the recent antics of Mr G.W.
His "dodging" and "dancing" have left me with only this to *sing*...

I see a little silhouetto of a man

WACK A BUSH, WACK A BUSH, WATCH HIM DO THE FANDANGO!

May I present the late, great FREDDIE MERCURY
Please feel free to refer to the above lyrics as you sing along.
ENJOY!

Smelly Cat - Phoebe Buffay

Picking up on Mikes' post today about smells, I have a definite problem.
Perfume.
Bane of my life.
I have to be very, very careful.
My personal aroma has a hard time with artificial scents.
I had no clue that I suffered from this condition until the following episode occurred.
We were going to Crete on vacation in 1989 and stopped by the Duty Free in LHR.
I wanted to buy Samsara perfume.
It was new,one of my girlies had it and it smelt divine. (on her)
Me - I'd like to try Samsara please.
Samsara rep (SR) - Of course miss ( *sigh* I was a Miss in those days)Now I'm a HIT!
SR proceeds to spray her wee bottle of scent on my wrist.
I nuzzle my nose down for a smell.
Me - yeugh,yeugh,yeugh
SR - What? What's wrong?
Me - *gagging*
SR - Miss are you ok?
I offer my sacrificial wrist, she inhales.
SR - YEUGH That smells like cat pee.
Me - *nodding*
SR - (calling over every other perfume rep) You've got to smell this on this girl, it's awful.
Now I am engulfed by sniffing reps each making varying noises of disgust.
Me - (Nose tucked into elbow) You need to get this off of me.
SR - Absolutely you can't go around smelling that bad.
A wet wipe was produced and the stench somewhat abated.
A humiliating discovery of a bodily condition. In a feckin airport! Not a lot of witnesses!

This poor wee innocent baby is probably still in Therapy!



I now only use Izzey Miyake, DKNY, Gucci and Clinique.
Just in case any of you are struggling with ideas for my Christmas present!
Lordy, that was a long drawn out affair just to get to the two lines directly above.
Happy Shopping darlings. Mwah xxxxxx

Stuck On You - Lionel Richie

Here I am having a "Happy Monday"
Monday is usually my day off.
Not that any day is really "off" there's still housework, kids, meals etc but on Monday I don't go to the Ranch.
It's a stay at home day. A get other things done day.
Where is this going? No feckin clue.
Nowhere at the minute, I'm having a "blond moment" as WT refers to my mild Alzheimer incidents.
Ok, I'm lucid.
I decided to do some more wrapping to help "The Old Guy " out.
I love wearing the Elf ears and green tights!
Sometimes I wear red but I think they make my bum look big.
Green is a much better colour on me.Don't you think?
No clue how the "bird" got there.



I'm ready , paper, scissors, tape.
Out with the pressies.
WHO THE FECK is responsible for inventing price stickers?
If I find out, I could end up spending "The Most Wonderful Time of The Year" incarcerated.
I have no nails at the moment. New nail guy sucks. All fell off.
Pick, pick, pick, pick for EVER. Got my "bird" to peck a wee bit too!
Still got some gifts where you can totally see the big, sticky mark that was the price sticker.
Then you have to dispose of them, somehow, somewhere...

As good a place as any I guess. Useful for something!

And while I'm feeling murderous lets not forget the wrappings which have the price PRINTED on.
Black sharpie to the rescue on those fecks!.
I spent so much time removing prices that I managed to get all of one thing wrapped.
Price stickers never used to be that sticky.
I know that back home some years ago (showing my age here) they started to use the type that came off in four parts to prevent people swapping them out but we have Bar Codes now sticky sticker people!
I don't get it.
Oh well, on the bright side I DO get to dress up again tomorrow!

You Sexy Thing - Hot Chocolate

Sunday is BS ( Sunday Booby) day...again
As opposed to SB (Sex Bomb) day, daily.
Quite the play on words, if I do say so myself.
And I do!
So heads down people, ok person ( who am I kidding?) lets gooooooooooo!
That's so fecked up.
We're not gonna gooo were are going to go!
According to Wikipedia, A BOOB( note the singular):-

"An error, usually involving something of simplistic nature"

Now if I am interpreting this correctly, please feel free to correct me.
Yeah, like you need permission.
I repeat, IF, i am getting this, then I am a BOOB!
I am the personification of that word...who knew?



I have a simplistic nature and I make a LOT of errors.



I also, am the "not so proud" owner of 2 x boob(s)

"Fiboob" (s)

Two new words to be added to the "Urban Dictionary" this week.
Hell, at this rate I'm going to have invented a whole new language by 2011!

"Fispeak" including, but not limited to F French, I Inuit, S Spanish, P Portugese, E Egyptian, A Arabic, K.
I cover all countries and cultures!

It's patented ( not) but LA gets 5% commission on all of my entrepreneurial schemes, so don't even try to jump on that band wagon, she offered up her couch first...remember?

Good Thing - Fine Young Cannibals

Having two boys in the house is a piss pain.
Sex bombs accuracy is around 95% alcohol levels taken into consideration.
More Whisky less chance of a hit.
Scoot grazepees (my new word for this week)
He randomly blasts one bathroom, then when he needs to go again he wanders off to find another "clean" one.
Having done "clean up" on all three isles last night (three bathrooms are two too many)I had a thought.
I had a few thoughts actually, none of them endearing.
But the "one thought" was an invention.
I may build a prototype and take it on DRAGONS DEN
I'll give you a sneaky peaky.
( Now that's funny! Peekie = Penis where I come from)
Here is the basic idea.
An aperture akin to a microphone stand.

Height variable, tilt/direction variable.
Top of stand a soft sling type thing akin to a farriers stand.

The left hand side gizmo is what I'm talking about.
Attached to the end,,a funnel wide side facing the peekie.

So the male, any age, height, size can adjust the stand appropriately, rest their "peekie" on it and do their business through the funnel.
I'm thinking even a lightweight portable model might be worth investigating.
Ever the Entrepreneur...
Happy Saturday!
Wow the day on Lacochrans couch really worked!

Killer - Michael Jackson

Last night left me even more disturbed.
I'm definitely taking LA up on her couch offer. I may be on it for some time.
The ripple in my sea of tranquility this time?
Who am I kidding, the rouge wave in my present Tsunami?
There that's more accurate.

Dolphins!

Animal Planet aired a documentary about young Dolphins being washed up dead on Virgina Beach and Porpoise, likewise in the Moray Firth, Scotland.
The critters showed no outward signs of trauma but following necropsy internal trauma was evident.
Various theories were bandied about between the US and Scotland.
Culprits including the US Navy and Scottish oil rigs.
They were exonerated when definitive evidence, caught on video,was sent to the investigators.
The REAL culprit?
The serial killer?
Other Dolphins.
BOTTLE NOSED DOLPHINS
I was devastated.
I remain in that state.

I loved Dolphins.
If you can't trust a Dolphin who can you trust? Has always been my mantra.
Flipper was a GOOD guy. My No1.


Skippy coming in a close second.
I'm heading over to Lacochrans to have an hour on her couch.
Later my lovelies...

Dancing in the street - Bowie and Jagger

What do I know?
What do I know about...let's see.
Littlest Pet Shop, High School Musical,aaaah, The Wintu Tribe.
I would love to say "I know nothing" but it would be a complete lie.
I am an expert on all three. Nothing to be proud of.
The friggin Wintu Tribe have had me going nuts.
Who in their right mind, gives a 9 year old a project to be turned in Dec 12th?
I'll tell you who.
Some spinster 4th grade teacher, with no family, no friends and a hoard of mangy cats!
That's probably not true but who gives?

The "project" was very specific.

1. Picture Board (size and style determined) divided into 6 sections. No computers permitted. All info from books. Pictures to be hand drawn. No pencil lines visible. Whole board to be coloured.
2. Oral Presentation. To last between 6 - 10 minutes.
3. Written report. In cursive. No less than 4 pages.

It's two weeks till "HO HO HO" lady!

* note to self* Delete "lady" refer to as "HO"

WT and I have been working on this bluddy thing every night for a week.
It's done.
She presents today. Go WT.
If you ever need to know anything about the Wintu just ask, I'm your gal!

then this!

WT has her Hip Hop class every week.
Saturday she was dancing in the towns Holiday Parade.
She was great of course, after all she is her mothers daughter! *grins*
So she's been Hip Hoppin all over the house for weeks rehearsing her "moves".
Cool. She's getting down with her bad self.
Last night, oh I'm between tears and laughter, last night, Scoot goes up to our bathroom.
We have mirror doors and he loves looking at himself making different facial expressions ( apparently a "normal" Autistic gig) Who knew?
Last night, he's putting his right hand over his heart, bowing and saying "Honour your partner"
WTF?
THEN he proceeds to square dance!
OMG!
I know for a fact that he does not have the same teacher as WT.
He goes to a different school, in a different city, and it's private.
Who in their right mind would think teaching square dancing to a 13 year old "Autie" would be a GREAT idea?
When exactly do you expect him to use this newly aquired skill?
"Honour thy "feckin" partner" indeed.
Oh, I know, maybe he could try out for Ashley Wilkes in the next production of Gone with the Wind?
Join an Autistic Square Dancing Club? How much fun would THAT be?

We took him to "challenger" baseball for a few seasons and it was hilarious
That's a post in it's own right...
My peace and tranquility has been disturbed.
I'm going to ask LACOCHRAN for a couple of free sausages.
I have the very place to shove them!
Watch your backs HO and HO.

It's so "Easy" - Guns n' Roses

A quickie today...
Eye test and PO again so busy,busy,busy.
1. Thanks to MIKE for the plug...I think
2. One of my dear Girlfriends sent me this,
could come in handy for those of us with red
hot credit cards. ( mine is on fire!) PAYING BILLS

Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall

I've just spent the past hour reading and commenting on my favourite fellow Bloggers posts.
I had a revelation.
I am impressed and indebted to the person who designed the "word verification" thingy.
I know it's a wee bit of a pain, but !
I was unbespectacled ( is that a word?) today and kept typing in the wrong letters.
I'm going for my annual eye test tomorrow.
Just introduce me to the friggin dog and be done with it I say.
Same with the dentist, take them all out and give me " Walliess "
Ach I'm away on a tirade, ignore me.
As I was saying, there I am, peering at the twisted, conglomeration of letters, hitting the wrong keys.
What do you expect, I can't make out diddly!
I get a "wee warning" then TADA!
It asks me again and here's the beauty of the whole pain in the bahookey thingy, the letters this time are BIGGER, BOLDER, FEWER.
So my thanks today, go to the "geek" who took the time to recognise, that there are half blind eejits like me trying to post comments.
Thank You.

I Know What Boys Like - Waitresses

I really must keep "abreast" of my Booby Sunday.
Not being the deity that I should have been, results in my lack of ability to turn back time.
Bobby Sunday on a Monday.
Quite a little ring to it don't you think?

The Peruvian Booby, Sula variegata, is an endemic bird of the Peruvian current whose distribution is restricted to the west coast of South America from Punta Pariñas (4.6°S) in Peru to Concepción in Chile (Harrison 1988). It is the second most abundant seabird species that inhabits the Peruvian Coast and the second most important guano-producing seabird. During the mid-twentieth century, the Peruvian Booby population reached 3 million birds (Tovar et al. 1987).


The following is specifically for Moog, I do read my comments and take requests very seriously. If you haven't already, you must go check him out. Hilarious Blog, made me spill my morning coffee earlier I was laughing so hard.



There, I'm all Boobied out for the day.

I've got so much to do and the "Fat Fecker" no not the sex bomb the HO HO HO one is going to be arriving soon. Oh, wait, same guy...
See!
I've spent so much time working on my Boobies that I've no time left to twitter about other stuff you may or may not have found worth reading.
Oh well, it can wait, whereas Boobies need attention, when they need attention, no stalling there.

Sleep Song - Tindersticks

I just finished reading a book "Save Your Own" by Elisabeth Brink.
Not my usual genre but I liked the cover.
A peanut riding a bicycle.
The book was okay if your a girl.
The reason I mention it is that the main character suffers from narcolepsy.
When I worked in Industry many years ago my best friend at work was diagnosed with it.
We must have been all of twenty three, I was working in Thick Film Print as an operator whilst attending night school working towards an HND in Electronics...yeah I know, I have no clue what friggin happened either, I suppose " if you don't use it you loose it" is appropriate here.
I passed the HND by the way...again no friggin clue how THAT happened.
But I digress.
My friend , lets call her Senga, (Senga is the worst possible name in Scotland with Morag coming in at a close second) worked on the printer in front of me.
We would be working away "blethering" and Wham down she would go.
Never left, right or backwards.
Always face forward.

This little bird actually does a damn good impression of her!


Remember we're Printing, with black ink, on screens.
What a friggin clean up job that was!
The instances became more frequent and "down she would go" wherever, whenever.
She went to the Doctor and was diagnosed.
The last I heard she's controlling the condition with medication.
Yep, high as a friggin kite on amphetamines.
Go Senga girl!
Also, and it gets a wee bit XFiley here, the main character in the book is a "wee" person 4ft9" and so was/is Senga.
I'm all atwitter now, could Elisabeth Brink BE Senga?
For indeed the book could have easily been written by an amphetamine induced, wee,whirling dervish.
I should research this further.
I won't though, because I'm really quite lazy.

Bad - Michael Jackson

I'm bad.
I was so out of sorts that I forgot my Boobs!
Apologies to all of you waiting with bated breath for a Sunday installment.
Here goes...

The Blue-footed Booby (Sula nebouxii) is a bird in the Sulidae family which comprises ten species of long-winged seabirds.

The name “booby” comes from the Spanish term bobo, which means "Stupid". This is because the Blue-footed Booby is clumsy on the land. Like other seabirds, they can be very tame.

The natural breeding habitat of the Blue-footed Booby is tropical and subtropical islands off the Pacific Ocean, most famously, the Galápagos Islands, Ecuador.

Would You LOOK at the feet on that Booby!

I'm impressed.

Promises Broken - Soul Asylum

I'm all out of sorts today.
Offenders include but are not limited to:-
My Mum, Durham School Services, The Shyster, Erstwhile "friend", Work.
But enough of that!
Lets talk about Coffee Machines...wooohooo

Or should I say lack thereof.
We have one of those new fangled thingamabobs that bumps and grinds.
You put the beans in, add water, it does it's thing, then "presto" coffee.
At least it did until the grind started to bump and promptly desisted.
Hmmm why is SB popping into my head?
So now our ultra fancy $$$ Machine is relegated to the rank of a $10 Mr Coffee.
I firmly believe that the more they try to integrate large gadgets the shorter the lifespan.
Take my Washer/Dryer Combo back in Scotland for example.
It only ever did manage a couple of dry cycles then got totally confused and went on to be "only a washing machine" for the rest of it's life. A very good job it did too!
My American Vacuum Cleaner which used to light up, Green Clean, Red, Keep going woman, now could, without shame, be part of Main Street Disney Light Parade.
My Fridge,Freezer which beeps when the door is left open. A year later has no feckin clue what it's doing...bless it. BEEEEP, oh no, wait I'm closed.

Smaller gadgets seem to be more worldly and appreciate their multifunctional duties.
The same unfortunately cannot be said for their larger counterparts, ADD every one.