Monday, January 5, 2009

Message in a Bottle - The Police

One of my New Year resolutions was to take better care of my body.
Not that there is THAT much wrong with it.
Fully clothed, sporting a Parka, ball cap and shades it's actually quite admirable, given it's longevity.
Problem is I don't eat.
My first and last meal of the day is dinner.
Coffee - free feed. All day.
After the twins were born 13+ years ago I gave up on Breakfast and Lunch.
It has it's up sides. I've never been over 110.
However, I do "get it" that it's no way to treat an aging body...I use the term "aging" loosely here by the way!(wee D.E )
Also there is no point in spending time putting together "audio" music posts for your pleasure and entertainment if SB is going to be "going solo" cos I've fainted with lack of sustenance! ( and another?)
Plus, he can't sing for shit, so it would be guitar solos *sighs*.
Plus, he has no self motivation so you'd probably never hear a feckin string strum!
All that in mind, I decided - Breakfast - Rice Crispies and a granola bar for lunch.
RDA - 8 x 8 oz Water.
Today leaves me feeling a tad bloated.
Rice Crispies and Granola must expand, who knew?
Not to mention the fact that I'm feckin drowning in the Oceans of H2O.
I can't swim worth diddly. It's a bit worrisome.
I decided to buy some Vitamins!
Cos THAT'S what Americans DO.
I've never taken a vitamin in my life but when in Rome and all that.
I am now the owner of the following:

Cholesterol Free, Fish Oil 1000mg. (The amount of feckin water I'm consuming, I may as well throw in some friggin fishes!)

Wellness Formula, Herbal Defense Complex. ( Get ye back, ye complex Cilantro, Basil, Parsley , Sage, Rosemary and Thyme feckers, back I say)

Women's Formula, Multivitamin and Mineral ( I'm sure sucking an orange and gnawing the odd bit of fossil fuel would have the same results, but whatever, I want to embrace the American way)

I lined up my newly acquired "meds"
Read the destructions ( not a feckin typo! )
Opened the bottles.
My keyboard is stammering here.
Tipped a vitamin into my palm.
Feckin eye popping experience going on ( just when the left one had settled down!)

muffin eyes Pictures, Images and Photos

Eye MUFFINS are NOT good!

These things are Feckin HUGE.
The pills I'm on about now. ( The eyes are a law unto themselves)
It's ridiculous!
I'm not enamoured with swallowing at the best of times (DE)
And get this...
You don't just get to gag down one of these puppies, naaaah too feckin easy!
Naaaah, let's really get that good old gag reflex WORKIN' baby!
That's nine...
I feel faint just thinking about it.
I've seen smaller Horse Pills.
And I'm a glass of water short. Nine pills. Eight glasses.
I've just previewed this and have only one final statement to make on this
( should have been Double Entendre Monday, got a couple in I think) Post.
Thank feck friggin swearing was NOT on my "resolution" to be friggin good list!
Oh and I must practice my swallowing techniques...


Mike said...

All the latest studies say the less you eat the longer you'll live. I haven't seen 110 pounds since 3rd grade.

John said...

"Oh and I must practice my swallowing techniques..."

Too tempting. I'm trying to behave.

Seriously, link to Healthnut wannabe mom from my blog. She always has great nutrition info. I wish that my weight problem was that I only ate one meal per day!

fiona said...

Mike - You are invited to my 111th birthday party. Good grief man you were a hefty 9 year old!
John - Good boy * pats head * LOL
I'll check her out.
You need to father twins, that'll do it for you!

Bilbo said...

Cut back on the pills. Not only are they not a substitute for good nutrition, but you will rattle when you walk, scaring the horses and upsetting those who fear your skeleton may have come loose.

Gilahi said...

Actually, that whole 8 x 8 oz of water per day is a myth. There's no RDA, and nobody really knows how that got started. It's one of those viral things that everybody now just accepts.

lacochran said...

"I want to embrace the American way"

Honey, the "American way" is to do anything we damn well please. Check your mythology. America is all about rugged individualism.

fiona said...

Bilbo - LMAO
Gilahi - Thank you Thank you I'll cut back, glug glug glug
LA - And once again Thank you! I can manage the "rugged" part, no problem.