Thursday, January 15, 2009

Scotland The Brave - Traditional

Living here in California, makes me question certain things.
Lot's of things to be honest but a few in particular.
I have no clue if they apply to the rest of the US, but the Cali Commandments include:

1. Thou shalt not "Double Dip"
2. Thou shalt not say the "C" word.
3. Thou shalt not use the word "Toilet"
4. Thou shalt not use sarcasm.
5. Thou shalt not sit down on a "toilet" without first placing a piece of tissue on the seat.

It makes me wonder how I survived 30+ years in Scotland.
According to CA rules I should have been pushing up Daisies decades ago!
You may not like it, but here's how it works "where I come from"

1. At a party, chances are you'll be dipping more than a Tortilla Chip by the end of the night.
Therefore double dipping is like foreplay.
2. The big bad "C" word is used as a term of endearment. I kid you not.
i.e. Oh sha "c" ah havenae seen ye aroond fir a while.
3. A toilet is a TIOLET. I don't want a "rest" or a "bath"(room) I want a pee, in a TOILET!
4. Sarcasm rolls off the Scottish tongue beautifully.
We cannot survive without it.
It's part of our staple diet.
5. I had to take "toilet tissue" 101.
For the life of me I could not figure out WTF to do with the lovely, "shaped to fit"
pieces of tissue paper which reside in their own wee metal container, in every public toilet.
I tried , god knows I tried. As I recall, my training needs were identified following this:

GF and I at the mall ( setting the scene for you here)
Me - I need to pee
Her - ok
We go into the "toilets"
Me - shit I forgot my nail scissors
Her - What do you need scissors for?
Me - To cut the perforations on the tissue...duh!
Her - What? You cut the perforations on the TP ?
( there's another one for you T effin P)
Me - No ya eejit. The perforations on the tissue you put on the seat.
I've tried tearing the centre out but it just ends up ripping. So I use scissors.

Yes, well, you can imagine her reaction *sigh*

My Scottish Granny used to say " Ye have tae eat a ton o' dirt afore ye dee"
(tae=too, afore=before,dee=die)

Go Granny...ya auld "c"!
Wow. sarcasm AND endearment in three words.
You can take the woman out of Scotland but you can't take Scotland out of the woman!

Shedding a wee tear here...i cannot lie

10 comments:

AbbotOfUnreason said...

Re: #1. Well, sure ya can because you're sterilizing everything in alcohol anyway.

Re: #3. In Glasgow, it was always the "gents" even in our flat -- well, for the lads, anywho. I'm not sure the "toilet" restriction is national here in the US. It seems fairly well used on this coast. (Oh, and all the flats in Glasgow had big signs outside that said "To Let" which was hard to read without thinking there should be an 'i' in there.

Re: #4. Are you sure you're not mixing up sarcasm with irony?

Re: #5. That's a girl thing, I'm sure.

Bilbo said...

One time, just one time, I want to hear you say "No, ya eejit!" It must sound grand with the Scots accent! And for what it's worth, California has nothing whatever to do with the rest of the US of A.

fiona said...

Abbot - #1 yep! #3 Snobby bas%$*ds!
#4 BOTH! #5 Ye mean men don't
have this???? feck...

Mike - Aye it is that! ;)
I'd hoped as much...whew

fiona said...

By Mike I really meant Bilbo darlin!
Sorry Bilbo I reckon Mikes manboobs are overwhelming my thoughts right now!

Mike said...

#1 - I hate double dippin'. drives me nuts.
#2 - Bad bad word. Especially with the F word.
#3 - Never heard of that one before. TOILET!!
#4 - You called Bilbo, Mike! Sarcasm at it's best!
#5 - You mean the seat protector. Your seat not the TOILET seat. You can use tissue to build your own also. And if you'd heard about aerial peeing you'd know why.

fiona said...

#5 OMG it has a name? AND you can build a nest with them?
Every day, an education...

lacochran said...

Seat covers? If the seat is too disgusting to sit on, that tiny bit o' tissue (which is more like wax paper) isn't going to do any good. Just sayin...

LiLu said...

I do miss seeing the signs for the "WC"...

Ms. Sadie said...

LOL at dipping more by the end of the night! Only at one of your parties :) o well, who am I kidding, any party ...

fiona said...

Lilu - WC just adds a whole nother tirade...lol

MsS - We live in hope dear girl, we live in hope *sigh*