I Cross My Heart - George Strait

Lets try again shall we?
Hmmm seems to be working, ENT and line space are all snuggly buggly again.
As I was saying , before I was so rudely interrupted, I have a new Award.
If you have a mind to view it, check out the last post please as I am not going through another "discussion" with Miss ENT and her petty little pouts!
I am required to disclose personal information, otherwise LA will withdraw my nomination...I think :)

The rules: I have to tell you ten honest things about myself in writing and then tag ten people to pass it on.

Honest things should be easy, lies are way trickier (little boogers)

*coughs politely*

1. I ate a worm when I was around 3 years old. Mum had a conniption. Dad was quite proud of the fact that I used a knife and fork.

2. I wanted to be an Archaeologist, then a Vet, then a Lawyer ended up managing a home for Seniors. Guess all my dreams came to fruition?

3. I have no self control when it comes to Chocolate. I'm manic. It's scary.

4. I have a lovely back. So saith SB when I asked him what he liked best about me. Now there's "honest" for ya!

5. I miss Scotland. Every day. Not enough to go back though.

6. I talk to much. I also listen pretty well though so it kinda evens out.

7. The seaside is my happy place. We lived in a coastal village. I love the smell and sounds.

8. I won the "Burns Federation" Award every year in Primary School ( 1st - 7th Grade) We had to memorise an assigned Burns poem every year then recite it to members of the federation who came to the School. I still have them and yes I still love Burns.

9. I love being pregnant. I do it very well. The births, not so much!

10. I saved SB approx $9,940 last week.
Option 1. Face lift = $10,000
Option 2. Haircut = $ 60
I had a haircut. I am a good wife.

It now leaves me to bestow this Award to the following :
( Hate me if you must)
BILBO
BILLIONS OF VERSIONS OF NORMAL
HERE I AM
LIVE IT, LOVE IT
MENTAL POO
MY NAME IS MOMMY
OUT OF MY HAT
THE ABBOT OF UNREASON
THE GILAHI BLOG
WHITE-COLLAR REDNECK

There you go my people, all nice and big , so that the old, the drunk and the hungover can see
themselves...love you all mmmmwwwwaaaahhhhh

Get In Line - Barenaked Ladies

I've won an Award! OH HAPPY DAY !

The lovely, lascivious, lusty, libidinous, lots of L words actually for LAcochran

has deemed me fit to be a recipient! As you can see I have big friggin gaps between the lines. This just occurred and has now apparently decided to rectumfy (not a typo) itself! Jeebus H ! No wait. I'm holding the lines together as long as I don't hit "Ent" at the end of a sentence. I need Tech Support here peoples!

See! that's WTF is happening when I hit EN friggin T. I can either continue with one VERY long punctuated (badly) post or one requiring flippin BRACES! What to do?

Ok I can make executive decisions about my own blog. I'm going to post this because I was "chuffed tae the knickers" that I managed to get a picture of my Award up here but in doing so I have totally confused my line space person who I assume resides within this "program" is that what it's called? No matter, he is obviously discombobulated and having issues with "Miss ENT" who I think may be withholding favours due to the sudden appearance of an Award. ENT can be so bloody minded at times. I need to take time out to council them. I shall return when the dysfunctional pair have worked through their present issues...

Throw The 'R' Away - The Proclaimers

My girls are very eloquent.
I have no idea how that happened.
I take no credit whatsoever although I do have a veritable Thesaurus of cuss words.
The Child Iseult uses words that I have to sneak away and google - definition.
WT, just the other day used "serendipity"
Who the hell uses Serendipity?
WT, that's who.
Where am I going with this?
Oh yes...
I just need to shut up.
Why? Well, here's the quandary.
Spellathons. Sponsored Spellathons to be more precise.
WT had 120 words, on a list, that she had to be able to spell for the big Spellafeckinthon today.
WT - Mommy will you read my words so I can practice?
Me- Sure ( I CAN read after all)
WT - Ok, lets start!
Me - Where
WT - WEAR
Me - No darlin, WHERE
WT - I told you WEAR
Me- No babe, mommy said WHERE
WT - And I told you WEAR
Me - Ok listen W H E R E
WT - Oh you mean where?
Me - That's what I've been saying!
WT - No mom you've really not!
Me - Have too!
WT - Hold on ( calls The Child Iseult downstairs)
WT - Ok Mommy say it to TCI
Me- Ok smartypants. TCI spell where please!
TCI - WEAR
Me- *expletive* (mumbled of course)
WT - Told ya, told ya! (giggling insanely)
TCI - WT don't ask Mom to do your spelling, I had the same problem, she talks funny.
Me - WHAT
WT/TCI - You do Mommy!
Me - I do?
WT/ TCI - Yes.
WT - It's okay Mom, it's not your fault that you can't pronounce words properly. Your accent does have a certain nuance though (smiling with pity?)

Nuance? Who the hell says Nuance?

MY MOUTH IS SHUT!

Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police

WT had her first Violin Recital last night.
I dropped her off at 6:15 for a final "rehearsal", rushed back home, rounded up the rest of the people I share a house with aka "the family" then headed out for a 7p.m. musical extravaganza.
The hall was crowded.
No seats left, standing room only, which was actually fine because 4th Grade Strings were right in front of us...initially.
In troop 40+ nine year olds bearing Violins, Violas with a couple of Cellos being carried by heavyweight dads.
They all take their seats.
The music teacher cues them to stand. Not the Cellists, obviously!
SB has the video camera honed in on WT, cue music.
Then.
Some feckin 7 foot Gorilla wearing a Bubble Hat elbows his way right in front of us.
A Bubble Hat, that's what I call them.



He then proceeds to hold his Video Camera up in the air.
WTF?
He was in the FRONT!
SB and I are short.
Even if I had sat on SBs shoulders, the Gorilla guy, arms upraised, would have had a good few inches on us.



SB was a bobbin and a weaving under the Gorillas OXTERS, trying to "capture the moment"
He was feckin hilarious, mumbling cuss words, bobbing in and out.
Put Rocky to shame he did.
Rudeness personified = Gorilla Bubble Hat Eejit!
Determined Daddy = SB

WT was wonderful, I cried. I do that...
D'ats ma gal.

Little Miss Fit - Donna Summer

I'm having serious second thoughts about my whole "Healthy Lifestyle" resolution.
I've been taking the "horse sized" vitamins religiously.
Drinking water, lots.
Decaf coffee.
Riding the horses and walking the dogs.
Going to bed at around 9:30 Sun - Thur.
Eating ( even green stuff fit only for bunnies)
Punching the crap out of my speed ball, I'm getting quite fast!
And for what?
It's now week four and the results so far ;

Adult acne ( never had a pimple for decades)
Sleeplessness ( waking three/four times a night to pee , that'll be the water!)
Sore biceps, triceps and any other "ceps"
Then to top it all this bluddy flu, thing, virus, cough, sneeze, more mucus than I knew the human body was capable of producing.

I was so much healthier before my health kick.
-sigh-

Before


After

Favourite Things - The Sound of Music

Friday night sick as a Dog.
Saturday - Burns Supper with 19 guests.
Sick as a Dog.
Had to cancel lessons all weekend.
Sunday, Yep, still sick.
The Burns Supper went really well but I was "scunnered", all the effort and really too sick to enjoy it.
A few glasses of white wine ( didn't even touch the uisge beatha)
and it was goodnight from me! Feck.
Oh well, next year...
Monday today, all day, kids are off school! What a surprise.
I now have a runny nose ( not bonny) and a cough. Headache and shivers have subsided but I feel weak
Lovely Lilu has designated my letter.
I got D !

Ten things I like/love starting with the letter D.

1. DRAMBUIE
Starting with booze is always an idea. Did I say "good idea?" No I did not. Just an idea.
2. DISCO
That's what we used to call "Clubs" back in the day...
3. DUCK SHOVE


Who doesn't enjoy shoving the odd Duck or two!
Ducklings are easier for the wimpy-dinks!

4. DANCING
I'm back to my Disco Days...life was good

5. DOGS
My own Fiddle

And Banjo!


6. DIAMONDS - OF COURSE!

I had to get a horse on the list somehow!
"D" indeed!

7.DOUGLASS, Sara
The Crucible Series was very good.

8. DEAN MARTIN
Managed to sneak in a pony and "The Duke"...god I'm good!
Dino is the bomb!

9. DICK GAUGHAN
Dick and emmylou get me, sniff

10. DA ALI G SHOW

Hope you enjoyed!

That's Amore - Dean Martin

President Obama failed " repeat the words after me and you get to be President"
Had to take a re-sit.
The whole debacle raised a wee red flag in the pit stop of my single, functional, brain cell.
Cast your mind back, dear reader, to 1981.
If your too young, go Google!

The Royal Wedding.
Chuck and Di.
Di fluffed her words.
Read the first line of the third paragraph...confirmed.
Were they ever really married?
Are Willy and Harry illegitimate?
I have serious doubts as it is, as far as Harry is concerned.

We know Diana had sexy time with James Hewitt


And then along came Prince Harry!



Hmmm, looks like the "Royal Family" are in a wee bit of a quandary.
And if young Willy is indeed a "Fitz",
because Mommy screwed up her vows, then when Auld Lizzie meets her maker, Andy will be King ( Charley has NO chance by the way) who's lineage I also question!







No NOT Dino for goodness sake...

Lizzie and Jerry, who knew?

Music Makes The World Go Round - Eddie Jefferson

I've been reading all my Blogpals posts this morning, many concerning President Obama.
When we arrived in the U.S. and A , Slick Willy ( I'd take Monica's job anytime by the way. Ooops...did I just write that?!) was moving over for G.W.
Ok I'm all distracted now thinking about "Bill".
*Deep Breath*
Sheesh ...BREATH! See, my thoughts are all "blowing" in the wind!

Gives self a time out.
Sitting in the naughty chair.
Poor wee chair. How can a chair be naughty? Unless it breaks when you sit on it. In which case you probably need to loose weight. Chairs are very accommodating. I like chairs. Chairs like me. I don't over stress them.

*clears throat*

What I wanted to say was, GW has been President for the duration of my stay here.
I don't know much about U.S. politics but I do know music!
In my humble opinion the last 8 years can be likened to THIS
Our new President Obama on the other hand THIS

Out with the old and in with the new!

What A Day - Talking Heads

Inauguration.
I'd never heard tell of such a word until I arrived here in the US.
I'm watching it all on TV even as I type.
Wow, it's some spectacle!
Makes me wish I was a citizen...seriously

Our Prime Ministers have a rather different "first day" at work.
Show up at No10.
Go for a wee cup of tea with Queen Bess at Buck Palace.
Shoot the sh#t with her for a wee while, topics including but not limited to, Corgis, head scarves and the benefits of Fox Hunting.
Says "TaTa" to Lizzie and then off to the B.B.C. studios.
Sits in make-up till the 5'o clock news.
Goes on air to say "Hiya"
Back to No10 for a Bovril and then to bed.
Meanwhile the populace goes about it's daily business...

Green Grow The Rashes O' - Robert Burns

Happy Martin Luther Kings Birthday.
The kids managed a whole 2 weeks at school without a break...off today of course. *sigh*

Anyhoo without further ado, I give to you, "The Lassies"
Green Grow the Rushes O'...aye Burns loved the lassies!

Lacochran brings to mind a Rose, her beauty, elegance and prose
Her Blog is quite a sight to see, most days I laugh so hard I pee!
There is another side of course, her schizo twins' personal discourse
I love the fact her psyche's torn, each Rose indeed does have it's thorn.

Another I'd like to recall, My Name is Mommy says it all
The daily tales about her life are full of laughter tears and strife
She cleans and cooks and all of that to keep her family intact
And still finds time to write and share and be my buddy too, so there!

Now moving on to Here I Am, who's cute and really is quite glam
Loves nothing better than to play and tries to do it every day
She's honest, trustworthy and kind and all good things that spring to mind
She is my friend and she is fine, especially when she's on the wine!

Once more the youngest is the last, our bonnie Lilu is a blast
Her love of all the fugly critters, endears us to her as she twitters
Her TMIs make me laugh loud, that girlie sure can play the crowd
With B she has a special link and man o' man can that gal drink!

I have to say that I am proud, to be part of the Lassie crowd
These Wummen, fiesty, loud and strong are not afraid to bear a thong
And now the Laddies have to rise and if your shy we'll close our eyes
Please shout out just before you swallow "Tae the Lassies"

more tomorrow...

Parcel O'Rogues - Robert Burns (The Bard)

As I mentioned in a previous post, the 25th is fast approaching.
The build up to it is almost as hectic as Christmas.
The "Boys" took off at 8a.m. on a Haggis hunting road trip.
There's a Scottish butcher, a 4hr round trip away, who sells the wee critters.
Meanwhile, I'm working on "The addresses".
The Host ( that would be SB) addresses the Lassies.
The Hostess ( ME) responds with an address to the Laddies.
Typically the addresses are general.
Not at our Burns Supper though, oh no.
Each attendee is addressed individually.
I'm really quite the little "Dittymeister".
It occurred to me that I should honor my fellow Bloggers who will not be here to celebrate with us.
And so without further ado, The Laddies!

I'd like to start with Bilbo a contemplative guy
When Blogging about Boobies he really isn't shy
He loves to go out dancing, he finds it quite a treat
In fact he played wee Mumble in the movie Happy Feet!

Retirement, beer and BBQ's refer of course to Mike
With Boobie posts and videos he's really quite a tyke
He likes to share a joke or two with all his Blogger pals
And he's always quite "supportive" when it comes to us, the gals!

When it comes to magic, John is our shining star
He keeps us entertained without a visit to the bar
He's faithful and he's honest and really likes a laugh
With John we mind our P's and Q's lest we be sawn in half!

Moog dear Moog what can be said he really is quite mad
His pictographic genius and poopy posts are "Bad"
He's always motivational and his posts make me quite giggly
Especially my hero, who is know as MrWiggly

And now for dearest Gilahi, a hippy through and through
He's always entertaining and keeps his music true
I know that he will raise a glass to "Rabbie" on the night
And if he stays true to his Clan he'll end up talking shyte!

The Abbot of Unreason loves telling us a tale
He's eloquent and funny so he really cannot fail
We know he loves to bicycle, his maps he keeps in store
And his Great Uncle Leadbelly keeps us coming back for more

The youngest Laddie , Narms his name is very cute and funny
With all the lassies he is game an energizer bunny
Sport and music play a part in many of his posts
I think he'd have no problems drinking 40 thousand toasts!

And so it's time dear Ladies to be upstanding with your glass
To all our Blogger Laddies, lets toast them all en masse
Please follow my example as we drink a DRAM for them
What would the Blogoshphere be like without our lovely men!

Tae the Laddies! Such a PARCEL O' ROGUES!

No heaving a sigh of relief Lassies, your NEXT!

Scotland The Brave - Traditional

Living here in California, makes me question certain things.
Lot's of things to be honest but a few in particular.
I have no clue if they apply to the rest of the US, but the Cali Commandments include:

1. Thou shalt not "Double Dip"
2. Thou shalt not say the "C" word.
3. Thou shalt not use the word "Toilet"
4. Thou shalt not use sarcasm.
5. Thou shalt not sit down on a "toilet" without first placing a piece of tissue on the seat.

It makes me wonder how I survived 30+ years in Scotland.
According to CA rules I should have been pushing up Daisies decades ago!
You may not like it, but here's how it works "where I come from"

1. At a party, chances are you'll be dipping more than a Tortilla Chip by the end of the night.
Therefore double dipping is like foreplay.
2. The big bad "C" word is used as a term of endearment. I kid you not.
i.e. Oh sha "c" ah havenae seen ye aroond fir a while.
3. A toilet is a TIOLET. I don't want a "rest" or a "bath"(room) I want a pee, in a TOILET!
4. Sarcasm rolls off the Scottish tongue beautifully.
We cannot survive without it.
It's part of our staple diet.
5. I had to take "toilet tissue" 101.
For the life of me I could not figure out WTF to do with the lovely, "shaped to fit"
pieces of tissue paper which reside in their own wee metal container, in every public toilet.
I tried , god knows I tried. As I recall, my training needs were identified following this:

GF and I at the mall ( setting the scene for you here)
Me - I need to pee
Her - ok
We go into the "toilets"
Me - shit I forgot my nail scissors
Her - What do you need scissors for?
Me - To cut the perforations on the tissue...duh!
Her - What? You cut the perforations on the TP ?
( there's another one for you T effin P)
Me - No ya eejit. The perforations on the tissue you put on the seat.
I've tried tearing the centre out but it just ends up ripping. So I use scissors.

Yes, well, you can imagine her reaction *sigh*

My Scottish Granny used to say " Ye have tae eat a ton o' dirt afore ye dee"
(tae=too, afore=before,dee=die)

Go Granny...ya auld "c"!
Wow. sarcasm AND endearment in three words.
You can take the woman out of Scotland but you can't take Scotland out of the woman!

Shedding a wee tear here...i cannot lie

Love Machine - The Miracles

Since Mike very "generously" dedicated part of his last post to wee me, I feel compelled to reciprocate.
He did, very kindly, give me some insights into his lifestyle, so that I might better select an appropriate video.
Mentioning retirement, lawnchairs, traffic watching?, beer and BBQ's.
Whilst lawn chairs and traffic watching are all very interesting, Mike omitted to tell me that retirement, beer and BBQ's appear to be VERY closely related to the following.
No imagination required.
Heeeeeeeeeere's Mikeeeeeee!
What can I say ?
WOOOHOO
Go Mike!

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Motley Crue

I'm becoming quite the "Social Butterfly" this new 2009!
(Which reminds me, my Sunday girls (students) gave me the most beautiful Fairy (I collect them) for my Birthday! She's pretty darned Foxy for a Fairy and I LOVE her!)
Monday I went for Coffee with an old girlfriend.
No, not "old" like me, in fact quite the opposite, looking all young and yummylicious.
I mean "old" as in long ago or shall I say erstwhile?
Erstwhile, now there's a darned good word that you don't hear much of these days!
Too many good words being displaced, disappearing, misplaced?
Shoot, I'm ranting again.
So Monday was wonderful, we're only a tenth caught up ( what do you expect, we only had a couple of hours!) and I can't wait to move on to 2/10, 3/10 etc,etc
Today, I had yet more luverrly ladies for company.
My "Taylor Swift" farrier, gave all five equines, pedicures.


Not kidding, she really does look like Taylor Swift! LOL
She is a dear friend as well as being one helluva farrier!
My best buddy came along as arranged and had her lesson.
She did a great job, on the most Left Brain Extrovert horse that ever was!
This evening, I took WT to her Hippity Hop Class and met yet another gorgeous "oldie".
We've arranged to go for coffee on Friday!
Aren't I "Miss Popularity"?
I'm a happy camper, there's nothing quite like not being in touch with a friend for a long time and then, all the years lost, quietly slipping into oblivion, as you reconnect and resume the friendship.
With January 25th fast approaching, SB called today, to inform me that he has ordered 20 tons of Haggis...well maybe not 20 tons but a LOT!
I'm hoping all of "my girlfriends" and their families will attend!
Consider yourselves invited.
No pressure to eat the Haggis ladies...
Open invite also to all fellow Bloggers in my Blogiverse, who knows? you might even like it!

The Look - Roxette

Mondays are coming too fast!
Yes, my darlings, it's "Double Entendre" Monday with perhaps a "wee" boobie to titillate your taste buds.
Friday night was great. My BFF took me out for a birthday dinner. We were supposed to go to the Movies afterwards but decided the local bars were more appealing.
Until we realised everyone was under 30...I didn't have my glasses on.
In the spirit of a good time we decided to play Narms Would ya?
The results were somewhat disturbing to say the least.
We had left the house at around 7p.m. as happily married heterosexuals and by 11p.m. we had both somehow "gone gay"
I have no idea what happened.
My heart goes out to the young single girls in a town filled to capacity with droop dead ugly guys...typo but I'm going to leave it hanging.

Onwards and attempting to go upwards.
I'm jumping on LA Cochran and Lilus' recent posts.

OMG you look just like...

I have frequently been told over the years, that I resemble the following:-

I have mentioned previously my hirsuteness, have I not?



My short forehead, long cheek bones and abnormally large nostrils



The fact that I can sun bathe on my tummy and still get my nipples burnt!



My athletic abilities



I cannot deny the uncanny resemblances.

When a felons not engaged in his employment - Gilbert and Sullivan

The girls are forever asking me to recall humorous stories of my childhood.
Usually to the detrement of myself.
Sadistic little scoundrels.
At my Birthday Dinner last night WT started harping on. Come on Mommy tell us a story.
Story? Story? I'll tell you a Story!
As I have probably mentioned WT is indeed her Mothers daughter...
From as young as I can remember singing ,dancing, acting, then a bit later learning to play an instrument has been a huge part of my life.
Permit me to set the scene.
4th Year at High School, I'm 16 years old and have been in the School Drama Club for 3+ years performing in various plays, recitals etc. This year the School decides to have a 5th and 6th year production of Gilbert and Sullivans "The Pirates of Penzance".

I am elated to be auditioned and then to be selected as one of the "girls" in the Chorus.
General Satnley's daughters. I am the youngest!
No expense spared, the School hires our costumes from a Theatrical Company in London.
The show is advertised in the local newspapers, it is to run for 4 nights.
Opening night. Full house.
The Curtain goes up.
Pour o pour the pirate sherry...game on!
The "girls" are in the wings, we are the fifth number.
Enter stage right, skipping and singing, "Climbing over rocky mountain"
All is well, we are good, the audience loves us.
Then.
The Pirates, Mabel and Frederic have done their bit and it's time for the grand entrance of
"The Major General"
We "girls" all run to the front of the stage, waving and shouting "Papa,Papa"

This we do, only to be met by a very loud voice from the audience yelling

"Fiona, Fiona it's mum, I'm over here!"

Stunned silence. Giggles, louder giggles. Uproarious laughter both on and off stage.
That day dear reader, that gray day, was the day I imbibed my first alcoholic tipple.
Suffice to say this tale of utmost mortification elicits a good old giggle from my kids.
Entertainment becomes entertaining.
Break a leg?...if I had been able to dismount that feckin stage my "MUM" would have had two!!

Happy Birthday to You! - By Me!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MOI!
It's that time of year again.
This morning was quite the "affair" with cards and gifts from SB and the "scoundrels"

Scoot - Happy 21st Birthday Mommy
The Child Iseult - Happy 21st Mom.
WT - Happy 21st Birthday Mommy.
SB - What???
Me - Our children are VERY well trained!
SB - So I see * astonished *

So, another 21st Birthday, wait, Typo.
Correction.
So, it's my 21st Birthday.
Need I say more?
Actually, yes!
I'll throw in a "Booby Sunday" ...game is on with my dear friend BILBO THE BOOBMEISTER
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Swing Life Away - Rise Against

Oh my, yesterdays post seems to have stopped everyone in their tracks.
I can't remember the last time I had no comments.
(one private, for which I thank the sender from the bottom of my heart)
Since I don't want to loose the few readers I have, let me move on !

Golf.

Scotland's favourite pastime.
After drink of course.
Hence the term 19th hole. The Bar in the Clubhouse. Only hole I've ever played!
Just so that you know GOLF as a word, dates back to medieval Dutch.
The origin of the game itself, can be best revealed HERE

ENJOY!

Come Fly With Me - Frank Sinatra

Listening to the Radio yesterday I happened upon an interview with Temple Grandin
The savoir faire of this seasoned mother, was taken aback by the realisation that I have done no research, reading, updating on the subject of Autism for quite a while now.
Why?
Well that's just what I thought!
Conclusion?
Well I could rant and rave about 1 in 150 babies being diagnosed, yet according to medical and political criteria it's NOT an epidemic.
Hell, I could wax lyrical for days on "my" thoughts and opinions.
The truth though is quite straightforward.
Scoot is Scoot.
And quite the Scoot he is!
WELCOME TO HOLLAND was given to me by a Child Psychologist a few months after Scoot was diagnosed. At the time, and for many, many, years later I could not afford any comfort from it.
Now, as his 14th Birthday approaches, Holland is the best place on earth.

Message in a Bottle - The Police

One of my New Year resolutions was to take better care of my body.
Not that there is THAT much wrong with it.
Fully clothed, sporting a Parka, ball cap and shades it's actually quite admirable, given it's longevity.
Problem is I don't eat.
Seriously.
My first and last meal of the day is dinner.
Period.
Coffee - free feed. All day.
After the twins were born 13+ years ago I gave up on Breakfast and Lunch.
It has it's up sides. I've never been over 110.
However, I do "get it" that it's no way to treat an aging body...I use the term "aging" loosely here by the way!(wee D.E )
Also there is no point in spending time putting together "audio" music posts for your pleasure and entertainment if SB is going to be "going solo" cos I've fainted with lack of sustenance! ( and another?)
Plus, he can't sing for shit, so it would be guitar solos *sighs*.
Plus, he has no self motivation so you'd probably never hear a feckin string strum!
All that in mind, I decided - Breakfast - Rice Crispies and a granola bar for lunch.
RDA - 8 x 8 oz Water.
Today leaves me feeling a tad bloated.
Rice Crispies and Granola must expand, who knew?
Not to mention the fact that I'm feckin drowning in the Oceans of H2O.
I can't swim worth diddly. It's a bit worrisome.
I decided to buy some Vitamins!
Cos THAT'S what Americans DO.
I've never taken a vitamin in my life but when in Rome and all that.
I am now the owner of the following:

Cholesterol Free, Fish Oil 1000mg. (The amount of feckin water I'm consuming, I may as well throw in some friggin fishes!)

Wellness Formula, Herbal Defense Complex. ( Get ye back, ye complex Cilantro, Basil, Parsley , Sage, Rosemary and Thyme feckers, back I say)

Women's Formula, Multivitamin and Mineral ( I'm sure sucking an orange and gnawing the odd bit of fossil fuel would have the same results, but whatever, I want to embrace the American way)

I lined up my newly acquired "meds"
Read the destructions ( not a feckin typo! )
Opened the bottles.
My keyboard is stammering here.
Tipped a vitamin into my palm.
Feckin eye popping experience going on ( just when the left one had settled down!)



Eye MUFFINS are NOT good!

These things are Feckin HUGE.
The pills I'm on about now. ( The eyes are a law unto themselves)
It's ridiculous!
I'm not enamoured with swallowing at the best of times (DE)
And get this...
You don't just get to gag down one of these puppies, naaaah too feckin easy!
Two?
Naaaah, let's really get that good old gag reflex WORKIN' baby!
THREE, THREE of each, DAILY.
That's nine...
I feel faint just thinking about it.
I've seen smaller Horse Pills.
And I'm a glass of water short. Nine pills. Eight glasses.
I've just previewed this and have only one final statement to make on this
( should have been Double Entendre Monday, got a couple in I think) Post.
Thank feck friggin swearing was NOT on my "resolution" to be friggin good list!
Oh and I must practice my swallowing techniques...

Takin' Care of Business - Bachman -Turner Overdrive

The Sex Bomb and I are on a mission.
We have the equipment.
We have begun practicing.
In fact we dedicated the whole of last night to it.
There were a few false starts...I will not lie
There were some timing issues.
There were moments of total unity and bliss.
SB did get a wee bit carried away with himself at times...I will not lie.
I got a tad giggly at one point.
We need to do A LOT more work prior to ...
WAIT!
Got a bit "ahead" of myself for a moment there.

Note to self - save that one for "Double Entendre" Monday.

All this we do for YOUR entertainment dearest reader.
We are on the verge of giving birth!
I'm too excited to keep it a secret any longer.
We are going to have a brand new SB and wee me BLOG!
Not just any old Blogaroonie though.
We are miked up, amped up, and almost ready to start giving you a weekly song!!!!
Woooohoooo.
We may even take requests!
We're working on a few songs right now and ironing out some "issues" but I promise you, this will be, "occurring"
I'll keep you all posted on the progress.
This is SO much fun...

I Luv u SB xxxxx

Bye the way "occurring" is my number one word this year.
Check out GAVIN and STACIE
Nessa rocks my boat!
She's always asking "what's occurring?"
Unfortunately NOT on bluddy youtube. Grrrrrr
Uncle Bryn is just friggin hilarious. Love it.
Oh, afterthought, don't want anyone getting "all numpty" about the clip!
If you are offended then...mmmmmm sorry?

In The Eye - Suzanne Vega

Happy 2009 people of the blogaroonie-sphere.
Saturday nights Party left SB and I presumed dead.
Alcohol poisoning will do that to you...just a friendly warning.
Sunday - ? ( I assume it happened)
Monday - Occurred, this I know because two totally unrelated events stuck in my
still intoxicated brain cell.
1. GF visited. Took advantage of my delicate condition and signed me up for
a trip to Victoria's Secret Sale...need I say more? THAT'S how bad I was.
2. Left eye swollen, red puffy.
Me - did you feckin punch me last night?
SB - Whaaaaa? *barf* I dinnae think so *barf*
Me - Well there's something weird going on!
SB -* arf * ( a wee barf = arf )
Tuesday - Occurring but not "happening" with the exception of the now "Cyclops" left
eye. And Yes I also am renound for my hirsuteness...

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Wednesday - Soberish. Left eye has now taken on massive proportions. Starting at eyebrow, swollen to half way down cheek! Feckin HUGE. I need medical help.
I call my GF to cancel "Victoria". No way I'm going "there" with two droopy boobs and a feckin droopy eye!
I luv luv luv my GF. ( She has historically taught me to function in this US and A including but not limited to ordering a sandwich!) she talked me through calling K#$*er to make an appointment to see a Dr.
Immediately.
I followed her instructions to the letter and was eventually (35 mins listening to some elevator music) told to apply a hot/cold compress. WTF?
Kaiser Incompetent Klingon - If it's a stye then a hot compress. If it's an infection then you need to use a cold compress.
Me - so which should I use?
KIK - Is there a pimple?
Me - Eye acne?
KIK- can you see a pimple?
Me -It's a huge bulbous appendage...no pimple
KIK - Hmmmmm
Me - So can I see a Dr?
KIK - OH NO. Not until Friday. Earliest.
Me - But it's Hogmanay and I have a THING where my eye should be!
KIK - Tell you what, do 5 mins hot then five mins cold compresses, that should cover
all bases.
Me - Ehhmm thanks? *hang up*
It's Friday, ET looks like a feckin supermodel compared to wee me.
What was my left eye is now a mushy, red, swollen blob.
I look like a stroke victim.
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Is the eye stye a 2008 epidemic? I'm feeling for the gal above. She is my soul mate.
Poor baby.
So begins 2009.
I'm entering it with "one" eye wide open, the other...not so much