C'est comme ca - Les Rita Mitsouko

Now that the fat guy has done his thing and I am well rested (yesterday, Boxing Day, was spent in a state of catatonic, overindulgent, euphoric, bliss. Varying degrees of each) it's time to PARTY!
Tonight we "grown ups" get to eat, drink and be merry.
We started our annual post Christmas, pre New Year "shindig" quite a few years ago.
It's quite lovely to have all our friends together.
The participants have varied somewhat over the years and this year will be no different.
My "Sailor" buddy has gone back home (other side of this friggin HUGE country) and I miss him terribly.
On a happier note though, I have re-connected with an old friend who I also missed but is back into my life and is coming along tonight with her wee family.
Com si com sa,
C'est la vie,
Oooooh la la,
Ok I'm turning into Pepe le Pew, what's that all about?
Je ne sais quoi?

MOI

It's a Sin - Pet Shop Boys

I love Santa.
I do think though that he's got a wee bit o' "the alzheimers" this year.

I got - A beautiful Michael Aram, Fairy Chariot Wine Caddy. No friggin wine included.
I got - A hi-tech Sewing Machine. Not a friggin thread to be seen.
I got - WoooHooo A SPEED BALL AND GLOVES!. No friggin pump to blow it up.

Guess who's going shopping tomorrow?

Merry Christmas - Slade

So here it is...Merry Christmas!
The cookies are baked, new PJ's for the kids who are all showered and lookin/smellin good.
Horses worked and fed.
Dogs walked and fed.
Husband "Morris Dancing", don't even ask! I think he's looking to accompany WT as she masters her Violin.
It's 7:30 and we're working to Scoots' schedule.
He wrote it six weeks ago and has carried it EVERYWHERE.
Teachers had to laminate it when he insisted on taking it to the bathroom with him.
Family movie in 3 minutes.
Yes it's THAT precise!
From the bottom of my heart I would like to wish each of you a Very Merry Christmas and if Christmas ain't your thing then Merry Whateverelserocksyerboat!
* This post was typed with love and good will to all *
Hugs
Fxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Double Trouble - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Honestly, boys and their boobs...or lack thereof
The things I do to keep the peace in the blogiverse ( new word)
So without further ado
BOOBIES you can play with!
Never let it be said that I don't put out for you guys.
Bilbo and Mike !
Wait.
I think I wrote that wrong.
Oh dear, now I'm all addlepated.
It's the language barrier thing. Again.
*shaking head*
OMG I've just gone and done it again...double entendre day?
Now that might be worth considering...

Peaceful Easy Feeling - Eagles

Booby Sunday without the boobs.
Booo said the crowd.
Well "stuff my bra and call me Dolly" I'm just not in the mood.
No bah humbug, just cold, wet ( rain wet ) and wiped.
I've been working all weekend.
The horses were...excited cause Santa's coming?
That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
I'd asked my three "best gals" (students) to spend the whole afternoon riding as a wee pressie.
It rained.
Hard.
Bouncing.
We headed up to the indoor arena.
We never ride there.
Horses all had varying degrees of "Sybil" moments.
Mental, mental I tell ya!
My gals were wonderful, as always and everything settled down.
It's quite the "easy peaceful feeling" to watch these kids, who started with me almost 6 years ago as 8 or 9 years olds.
They have gone from quiet, shy kids to strong, confident, hilarious teenagers.
I would like to think that I have been a positive, nurturing influence in their journey.
One thing I do know for sure.
Each and every one of them can ride a friggin horse!
They are wonderful girls and I take all credit for their horsemanship and horse savvy.
It's a wonderful feeling, all cosy and fuzzy.
I watch them with my horses and think " I did that"
It's what keeps me doing what I do, even on wet , cold , miserable days.
Wow, what a trip...
This post is for them.
4 days and counting, HOHOHO

Blonde on Blonde - Bob Dylan

I think I may as face up to it and bleach my friggin hair.
I am having more "blond" moments than I care to share.



This morning, off I trundle to Wally World.
The Sex Bomb had informed me that he needed a new tool box.
I decide to go all out and buy him a hughfeckinmungolicious (new word - add to fispeak)
bright red shiny contraption. On wheels!
He can walk around with it!
Show off to the neighbours!
March pompously around the court fixing things...whatever, I'm just being silly now.



Wally World Wombatical Assistant(WWWA) - Would you like help?
Me - ( Nah, do I look like a wimpy woman?) Of course I need help.
(This is one BIG red "Mummy Humper")!

I pay at the checkout.
Now a second WWWA has gimped over to assist WWWA No1.
Out to the car and following some rather serious exertions ( I was sure one or both of them were going to require medical attention) my luverrly red tool thingy is loaded into the car.

WWWA 1 and 2 take the rest of the day off.
I doubt they did but I would have recommended it, if I had cared.
They were both gimping more and looked a tad more rabid.
Not to worry.
I'm happy.
I smile all the way home, yep all 31/2 minutes of grinning.
I pull into the drive, get out of the car, open the trunk.
WTF was I thinking?
No way in hell I'm moving that Mummy Humper anywhere.
So it sits. Alone.
I'm going to cheer it up by slapping a bow on it.
SB cannot go near my car until HOHOHO.
I'm also going to throw a couple of jackets over it, we had frost this morning.
FROST.
I had to De-ice the car.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr YES I roll a very good R!

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

As you are all very aware by now, I don't mess with US politics.
I am however somewhat intrigued by the recent antics of Mr G.W.
His "dodging" and "dancing" have left me with only this to *sing*...

I see a little silhouetto of a man

WACK A BUSH, WACK A BUSH, WATCH HIM DO THE FANDANGO!

May I present the late, great FREDDIE MERCURY
Please feel free to refer to the above lyrics as you sing along.
ENJOY!

Smelly Cat - Phoebe Buffay

Picking up on Mikes' post today about smells, I have a definite problem.
Perfume.
Bane of my life.
I have to be very, very careful.
My personal aroma has a hard time with artificial scents.
I had no clue that I suffered from this condition until the following episode occurred.
We were going to Crete on vacation in 1989 and stopped by the Duty Free in LHR.
I wanted to buy Samsara perfume.
It was new,one of my girlies had it and it smelt divine. (on her)
Me - I'd like to try Samsara please.
Samsara rep (SR) - Of course miss ( *sigh* I was a Miss in those days)Now I'm a HIT!
SR proceeds to spray her wee bottle of scent on my wrist.
I nuzzle my nose down for a smell.
Me - yeugh,yeugh,yeugh
SR - What? What's wrong?
Me - *gagging*
SR - Miss are you ok?
I offer my sacrificial wrist, she inhales.
SR - YEUGH That smells like cat pee.
Me - *nodding*
SR - (calling over every other perfume rep) You've got to smell this on this girl, it's awful.
Now I am engulfed by sniffing reps each making varying noises of disgust.
Me - (Nose tucked into elbow) You need to get this off of me.
SR - Absolutely you can't go around smelling that bad.
A wet wipe was produced and the stench somewhat abated.
A humiliating discovery of a bodily condition. In a feckin airport! Not a lot of witnesses!

This poor wee innocent baby is probably still in Therapy!



I now only use Izzey Miyake, DKNY, Gucci and Clinique.
Just in case any of you are struggling with ideas for my Christmas present!
Lordy, that was a long drawn out affair just to get to the two lines directly above.
Happy Shopping darlings. Mwah xxxxxx

Stuck On You - Lionel Richie

Here I am having a "Happy Monday"
Monday is usually my day off.
Not that any day is really "off" there's still housework, kids, meals etc but on Monday I don't go to the Ranch.
It's a stay at home day. A get other things done day.
Where is this going? No feckin clue.
Nowhere at the minute, I'm having a "blond moment" as WT refers to my mild Alzheimer incidents.
Ok, I'm lucid.
I decided to do some more wrapping to help "The Old Guy " out.
I love wearing the Elf ears and green tights!
Sometimes I wear red but I think they make my bum look big.
Green is a much better colour on me.Don't you think?
No clue how the "bird" got there.



I'm ready , paper, scissors, tape.
Out with the pressies.
WHO THE FECK is responsible for inventing price stickers?
If I find out, I could end up spending "The Most Wonderful Time of The Year" incarcerated.
I have no nails at the moment. New nail guy sucks. All fell off.
Pick, pick, pick, pick for EVER. Got my "bird" to peck a wee bit too!
Still got some gifts where you can totally see the big, sticky mark that was the price sticker.
Then you have to dispose of them, somehow, somewhere...

As good a place as any I guess. Useful for something!

And while I'm feeling murderous lets not forget the wrappings which have the price PRINTED on.
Black sharpie to the rescue on those fecks!.
I spent so much time removing prices that I managed to get all of one thing wrapped.
Price stickers never used to be that sticky.
I know that back home some years ago (showing my age here) they started to use the type that came off in four parts to prevent people swapping them out but we have Bar Codes now sticky sticker people!
I don't get it.
Oh well, on the bright side I DO get to dress up again tomorrow!

You Sexy Thing - Hot Chocolate

Sunday is BS ( Sunday Booby) day...again
As opposed to SB (Sex Bomb) day, daily.
Quite the play on words, if I do say so myself.
And I do!
So heads down people, ok person ( who am I kidding?) lets gooooooooooo!
That's so fecked up.
We're not gonna gooo were are going to go!
According to Wikipedia, A BOOB( note the singular):-

"An error, usually involving something of simplistic nature"

Now if I am interpreting this correctly, please feel free to correct me.
Yeah, like you need permission.
I repeat, IF, i am getting this, then I am a BOOB!
I am the personification of that word...who knew?



I have a simplistic nature and I make a LOT of errors.



I also, am the "not so proud" owner of 2 x boob(s)

"Fiboob" (s)

Two new words to be added to the "Urban Dictionary" this week.
Hell, at this rate I'm going to have invented a whole new language by 2011!

"Fispeak" including, but not limited to F French, I Inuit, S Spanish, P Portugese, E Egyptian, A Arabic, K.
I cover all countries and cultures!

It's patented ( not) but LA gets 5% commission on all of my entrepreneurial schemes, so don't even try to jump on that band wagon, she offered up her couch first...remember?

Good Thing - Fine Young Cannibals

Having two boys in the house is a piss pain.
Sex bombs accuracy is around 95% alcohol levels taken into consideration.
More Whisky less chance of a hit.
Scoot grazepees (my new word for this week)
He randomly blasts one bathroom, then when he needs to go again he wanders off to find another "clean" one.
Having done "clean up" on all three isles last night (three bathrooms are two too many)I had a thought.
I had a few thoughts actually, none of them endearing.
But the "one thought" was an invention.
I may build a prototype and take it on DRAGONS DEN
I'll give you a sneaky peaky.
( Now that's funny! Peekie = Penis where I come from)
Here is the basic idea.
An aperture akin to a microphone stand.

Height variable, tilt/direction variable.
Top of stand a soft sling type thing akin to a farriers stand.

The left hand side gizmo is what I'm talking about.
Attached to the end,,a funnel wide side facing the peekie.

So the male, any age, height, size can adjust the stand appropriately, rest their "peekie" on it and do their business through the funnel.
I'm thinking even a lightweight portable model might be worth investigating.
Ever the Entrepreneur...
Happy Saturday!
Wow the day on Lacochrans couch really worked!

Killer - Michael Jackson

Last night left me even more disturbed.
I'm definitely taking LA up on her couch offer. I may be on it for some time.
The ripple in my sea of tranquility this time?
Who am I kidding, the rouge wave in my present Tsunami?
There that's more accurate.

Dolphins!

Animal Planet aired a documentary about young Dolphins being washed up dead on Virgina Beach and Porpoise, likewise in the Moray Firth, Scotland.
The critters showed no outward signs of trauma but following necropsy internal trauma was evident.
Various theories were bandied about between the US and Scotland.
Culprits including the US Navy and Scottish oil rigs.
They were exonerated when definitive evidence, caught on video,was sent to the investigators.
The REAL culprit?
The serial killer?
Other Dolphins.
BOTTLE NOSED DOLPHINS
I was devastated.
I remain in that state.

I loved Dolphins.
If you can't trust a Dolphin who can you trust? Has always been my mantra.
Flipper was a GOOD guy. My No1.


Skippy coming in a close second.
I'm heading over to Lacochrans to have an hour on her couch.
Later my lovelies...

Dancing in the street - Bowie and Jagger

What do I know?
What do I know about...let's see.
Littlest Pet Shop, High School Musical,aaaah, The Wintu Tribe.
I would love to say "I know nothing" but it would be a complete lie.
I am an expert on all three. Nothing to be proud of.
The friggin Wintu Tribe have had me going nuts.
Who in their right mind, gives a 9 year old a project to be turned in Dec 12th?
I'll tell you who.
Some spinster 4th grade teacher, with no family, no friends and a hoard of mangy cats!
That's probably not true but who gives?

The "project" was very specific.

1. Picture Board (size and style determined) divided into 6 sections. No computers permitted. All info from books. Pictures to be hand drawn. No pencil lines visible. Whole board to be coloured.
2. Oral Presentation. To last between 6 - 10 minutes.
3. Written report. In cursive. No less than 4 pages.

It's two weeks till "HO HO HO" lady!

* note to self* Delete "lady" refer to as "HO"

WT and I have been working on this bluddy thing every night for a week.
It's done.
She presents today. Go WT.
If you ever need to know anything about the Wintu just ask, I'm your gal!

then this!

WT has her Hip Hop class every week.
Saturday she was dancing in the towns Holiday Parade.
She was great of course, after all she is her mothers daughter! *grins*
So she's been Hip Hoppin all over the house for weeks rehearsing her "moves".
Cool. She's getting down with her bad self.
Last night, oh I'm between tears and laughter, last night, Scoot goes up to our bathroom.
We have mirror doors and he loves looking at himself making different facial expressions ( apparently a "normal" Autistic gig) Who knew?
Last night, he's putting his right hand over his heart, bowing and saying "Honour your partner"
WTF?
THEN he proceeds to square dance!
OMG!
I know for a fact that he does not have the same teacher as WT.
He goes to a different school, in a different city, and it's private.
Who in their right mind would think teaching square dancing to a 13 year old "Autie" would be a GREAT idea?
When exactly do you expect him to use this newly aquired skill?
"Honour thy "feckin" partner" indeed.
Oh, I know, maybe he could try out for Ashley Wilkes in the next production of Gone with the Wind?
Join an Autistic Square Dancing Club? How much fun would THAT be?

We took him to "challenger" baseball for a few seasons and it was hilarious
That's a post in it's own right...
My peace and tranquility has been disturbed.
I'm going to ask LACOCHRAN for a couple of free sausages.
I have the very place to shove them!
Watch your backs HO and HO.

It's so "Easy" - Guns n' Roses

A quickie today...
Eye test and PO again so busy,busy,busy.
1. Thanks to MIKE for the plug...I think
2. One of my dear Girlfriends sent me this,
could come in handy for those of us with red
hot credit cards. ( mine is on fire!) PAYING BILLS

Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall

I've just spent the past hour reading and commenting on my favourite fellow Bloggers posts.
I had a revelation.
I am impressed and indebted to the person who designed the "word verification" thingy.
I know it's a wee bit of a pain, but !
I was unbespectacled ( is that a word?) today and kept typing in the wrong letters.
I'm going for my annual eye test tomorrow.
Just introduce me to the friggin dog and be done with it I say.
Same with the dentist, take them all out and give me " Walliess "
Ach I'm away on a tirade, ignore me.
As I was saying, there I am, peering at the twisted, conglomeration of letters, hitting the wrong keys.
What do you expect, I can't make out diddly!
I get a "wee warning" then TADA!
It asks me again and here's the beauty of the whole pain in the bahookey thingy, the letters this time are BIGGER, BOLDER, FEWER.
So my thanks today, go to the "geek" who took the time to recognise, that there are half blind eejits like me trying to post comments.
Thank You.

I Know What Boys Like - Waitresses

I really must keep "abreast" of my Booby Sunday.
Not being the deity that I should have been, results in my lack of ability to turn back time.
Bobby Sunday on a Monday.
Quite a little ring to it don't you think?

The Peruvian Booby, Sula variegata, is an endemic bird of the Peruvian current whose distribution is restricted to the west coast of South America from Punta Pariñas (4.6°S) in Peru to Concepción in Chile (Harrison 1988). It is the second most abundant seabird species that inhabits the Peruvian Coast and the second most important guano-producing seabird. During the mid-twentieth century, the Peruvian Booby population reached 3 million birds (Tovar et al. 1987).


The following is specifically for Moog, I do read my comments and take requests very seriously. If you haven't already, you must go check him out. Hilarious Blog, made me spill my morning coffee earlier I was laughing so hard.



There, I'm all Boobied out for the day.

I've got so much to do and the "Fat Fecker" no not the sex bomb the HO HO HO one is going to be arriving soon. Oh, wait, same guy...
See!
I've spent so much time working on my Boobies that I've no time left to twitter about other stuff you may or may not have found worth reading.
Oh well, it can wait, whereas Boobies need attention, when they need attention, no stalling there.

Sleep Song - Tindersticks

I just finished reading a book "Save Your Own" by Elisabeth Brink.
Not my usual genre but I liked the cover.
A peanut riding a bicycle.
The book was okay if your a girl.
The reason I mention it is that the main character suffers from narcolepsy.
When I worked in Industry many years ago my best friend at work was diagnosed with it.
We must have been all of twenty three, I was working in Thick Film Print as an operator whilst attending night school working towards an HND in Electronics...yeah I know, I have no clue what friggin happened either, I suppose " if you don't use it you loose it" is appropriate here.
I passed the HND by the way...again no friggin clue how THAT happened.
But I digress.
My friend , lets call her Senga, (Senga is the worst possible name in Scotland with Morag coming in at a close second) worked on the printer in front of me.
We would be working away "blethering" and Wham down she would go.
Never left, right or backwards.
Always face forward.

This little bird actually does a damn good impression of her!


Remember we're Printing, with black ink, on screens.
What a friggin clean up job that was!
The instances became more frequent and "down she would go" wherever, whenever.
She went to the Doctor and was diagnosed.
The last I heard she's controlling the condition with medication.
Yep, high as a friggin kite on amphetamines.
Go Senga girl!
Also, and it gets a wee bit XFiley here, the main character in the book is a "wee" person 4ft9" and so was/is Senga.
I'm all atwitter now, could Elisabeth Brink BE Senga?
For indeed the book could have easily been written by an amphetamine induced, wee,whirling dervish.
I should research this further.
I won't though, because I'm really quite lazy.

Bad - Michael Jackson

I'm bad.
I was so out of sorts that I forgot my Boobs!
Apologies to all of you waiting with bated breath for a Sunday installment.
Here goes...

The Blue-footed Booby (Sula nebouxii) is a bird in the Sulidae family which comprises ten species of long-winged seabirds.

The name “booby” comes from the Spanish term bobo, which means "Stupid". This is because the Blue-footed Booby is clumsy on the land. Like other seabirds, they can be very tame.

The natural breeding habitat of the Blue-footed Booby is tropical and subtropical islands off the Pacific Ocean, most famously, the Galápagos Islands, Ecuador.

Would You LOOK at the feet on that Booby!

I'm impressed.

Promises Broken - Soul Asylum

I'm all out of sorts today.
Offenders include but are not limited to:-
My Mum, Durham School Services, The Shyster, Erstwhile "friend", Work.
But enough of that!
Lets talk about Coffee Machines...wooohooo

Or should I say lack thereof.
We have one of those new fangled thingamabobs that bumps and grinds.
You put the beans in, add water, it does it's thing, then "presto" coffee.
At least it did until the grind started to bump and promptly desisted.
Hmmm why is SB popping into my head?
So now our ultra fancy $$$ Machine is relegated to the rank of a $10 Mr Coffee.
I firmly believe that the more they try to integrate large gadgets the shorter the lifespan.
Take my Washer/Dryer Combo back in Scotland for example.
It only ever did manage a couple of dry cycles then got totally confused and went on to be "only a washing machine" for the rest of it's life. A very good job it did too!
My American Vacuum Cleaner which used to light up, Green Clean, Red, Keep going woman, now could, without shame, be part of Main Street Disney Light Parade.
My Fridge,Freezer which beeps when the door is left open. A year later has no feckin clue what it's doing...bless it. BEEEEP, oh no, wait I'm closed.

Smaller gadgets seem to be more worldly and appreciate their multifunctional duties.
The same unfortunately cannot be said for their larger counterparts, ADD every one.

Deck The Halls- Mozart? Some Welsh guy?

"Good Christian Men Rejoice" blaring in my lugs.

SB is on a mission...to Mars?

I wish!

In good old American fashion, he decided this morning, to put up the Christmas lights.
This meant that I had to tackle the interior.
Having a tad of the LAWRENCE LLEWELYN about me, I take the task very seriously!



This year:-

Family Room - Silver and Blue, kids reign supreme here!

Kitchen/ Kitchen dining area - Au Natural, Berries, Poinsettia, Pine Cones, Holly etc

Living Room - Burgundy and gold, "the adult" area...very tasteful? I hope.

Guest Bathroom - Reindeer, Penguins and Snowmen. WT's influence...great job darlin!

* Felice Navidad *...I'm gonna kill him! He's out in the yard, oblivious!

I typically love Christmas, this year not so much, no "Uncle Aund" to shop for.
He was the only person for whom Christmas shopping was an absolute delight. Everything was appreciated and every year was a blast, finding "cowboy" stuff to send.
I'm gonna "Cowgirl Up" though because
Whisper...
WT BELIEVES!
This will be the last year, she knows it's us but wants so much to hold on to the dream.
This one has to count, has to be the best, for the children.

I know for a fact that next year is gonna look like this



My Scoot, of course, will still be believing in Santa when he's 40!
Oh, the joys of autism.
Kinda cool when you really, really think about it!

Enough maudlin ramblings

* 12 Days of Christmas* Kiri Te "feckin" Kenawa

SB is a goner!

Shit she just broke my wine glass...

Every Rose has it's Thorn -Poison

Well, today was an "interesting" day.
The girls had decided that "against all odds" we were going sale shopping.
We got all fancied up, WT had a lip gloss explosion.
This forced me to elbow the Sex Bomb in the ribs, thus preventing his mouth from spewing unnecessary makeup advice.

I had to stop for gas, down to $1.93, woohooo.
Into the wee shop to buy a Coffee for me and soda for the girls.
What could go wrong there huh? It's the am/pm for feck sake... you would think!

Wee Wifie at the am/pm - Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?
Me - Yes thanks it was great, and you?
"Wee Wifie at the am/pm - Really good
Me - Yes, I've got to say that it gets better as the kids get older
Wee Wifie at the am/pm - Oh I agree, isn't having the grand kids round wonderful?

GRAND KIDS?????

Back to the car, incensed, girls giggling and placating in equal measures.
WT placating.
The Child Iseult giggling.

OFF TO THE MALL...feckin rat infested arena.

45 minutes later, major road rage issues just trying to get parked, we squeeze into the Macy's Maze, mall rat mania beckons.

The Child Iseult wanted some black and white Zebra print pants.

"Hot Topic" we are here!

She is deep in dialogue with some teen/gay/punk/pierced guy...size 1 or 0?
I look around for WT and spy her leaning forlornly on the window, outside the store.
When I gymnastically with breathtaking speed retrieve her, she informs me that the store is "creeping her out" She's such a pink frock girlie girl.
The Child Iseult's new best friend, salesperson, is trying to convince me "AM EX" that she really must have a belt to match her pants.
I tell him/her that noooo we really don't need one and if he does not cease and desist his/her sales pitch I am going to buy the bright yellow/black checkered skinny jeans on the display model! His reply:-

- You would SO TOTALLY ROCK THOSE!

Teen/gay/punk/pierced guy, you are the best! You made an old lady very happy.
Just one favour?
Could you have a word with the Wee Wifie at the am/pm?

Could've Been - Tiffany

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
SB and I are in the "spirit"
He made a paper "buckle" which he has placed strategically on the front of his black cowboy hat and is speaking in authentic "Pilgrim" speak whilst wearing the said "hat".
I have braided my hair, donned my best "native" duds and am only answering to the name "Talky-pish"
The girls are disgusted and have grounded themselves.
We are drinking "Poinsettias" yummylicious, Champagne and Cranberry juice, hopefully we'll be fit to stuff before we drop.

True Tale:-
Every year for the past nine years someone, (eejit would be a more descriptive term but since I'm being thankful today, I won't go there) different people, equally daft, has said to either SB or myself:

American Person -So, do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Scotland?

Given the number of Native Americans living in Scotland in 1621 you'd think it would be a dead giveaway but NO dear reader, it is not so...only in America.

Last night I had to rethink all of this as I was watching some TV show which was based on Native Americans and " Counting Coup (Coo)"
Were they erstwhile Scottish Farmers?
A man in a skirt is a man in a skirt after all... be it Sheep, Coos,



OR EVEN CORN DOGS!

Babe - Styx

I am a Grand Aunt!
Baby Corey Andrew McCulloch made his Star appearance on the Planet at 2a.m. November 23rd 2008, weighing in at a healthy 7lbs.
This is my mums first Great Grand Child so I spent most of yesterday on the phone with her. Times like these the 8 hour time difference sucks!
It wasn't until WT asked "What relation am I to the new baby?" that I realised I had no clue how the "cousin" thing worked...thank you Google.
I tell her she is a First Cousin once removed.
WT - Is that because we came to America?
ME - Whaaa?
WT - The removed bit.
My kids make me smile every day, most days they make me laugh, I love them.

Centrefold - J Geils Band

I've made an executive Blog decision.
As of today, and every Sunday hereafter the topic will be Boobs.
Boobs is a good word.
Boob has many meanings.
So I would encourage you all to settle down, snuggle up, pour a glass of your favourite "tipple" and join me as I begin an adventure into Sunday Booby Blog. "SBB"

The Booby

A type of seabird, is part of the family Sulidae and the genus Sula. It is closely related to the gannets (Morus), which were often included in Sula in former times.

Boobies are large birds, with long pointed wings and long bills. They hunt fish, by diving from a height into the sea and pursuing their prey underwater. Facial air sacs, under their skin, cushion the impact with the water. Boobies are colonial breeders on islands and coasts. They normally lay one or more chalky-blue eggs, on the ground or sometimes in a tree nest.

Their name is possibly based on the Spanish slang term bobo, meaning "dunce", as these tame birds had a habit of landing on-board sailing ships, where they were easily captured and eaten. Owing to this, Boobies are often mentioned as having been caught and eaten by shipwrecked sailors, notably Captain Bligh of the Bounty and his loyalists, during their famous voyage after being set adrift by Fletcher Christian and his mutineers.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN MAY I PRESENT TO YOU "THE BOOBY"

It's Only A Paper Moon - Adam Ant

It would be fair to assume, that in these days of Technological Wonders
eg PC's, wee cell phones, teeth for your ears, mini IPods, tiny wee, well other shyte which I have yet to comprehend, that paper would be a thing of the past.

Once again I am bitten in the bahookey.
That old adage "assume" makes an ASS out of U and ME.
Will I never learn...

I am surrounded by paper. Paper is in my top ten "Things that piss me off"
The biggest culprit?
School.

Schools apparently are even more in the "dark ages" than I am, and that ain't easy.
Every week, each child ( remember I have three of the wee angels/horrors) brings home enough paperwork to justify a filing cabinet.

Example : WT hands me last night
1 sheet (yellow) PTA win a BBQ
2 sheets (white) PTA news
1 sheet (pink) PTA membership drawing extended!!! (yep 3, !!! WTF?)
4 sheets ( 1 red 3 white) Spelling contract
1 sheet (pink) GATE meeting

I mention the colours just so you all know I'm looking at them right now.

If I can still count, I make that 9 sheets of paper.
9 sheets of paper generated for 1 child x3 = Total 27 sheets of paper a day.
27x5 days a week = 135

135 pieces of paper which I have to:-
1.Dispose of...lot of shyte
2.Keep track of...mark in my calender, then dispose of.

I PAY to have MY trash collected.
By the time I've disposed of all the School paper there's no room left in the recycle trash can for my empty wine bottles!

It's a bluddy disgrace.

If I can use e-mail (which I am happy to divulge I have mastered) so can they!

Hit delete...room for 3 empty wine bottles.
If the schools think for one minute, that by sending home copious amounts of unwanted paper, with which to fill my trash can, that they are encouraging abstinence, then they are wrong!
Because I am smarter than them.

I have a filing cabinet full of school papers ( my own small rain forest) and my recycle can is full to the brim of empty wine bottles so na na na na na.

In conclusion

Rock The Boat - Hughes Corporation

USPS tirade.
I am so angry it's a frightful spectacle.
In fact, I'm so angry I'm considering punching myself...ouch, that feckin hurt!
My right index finger is trembling with temper as I type.

I have spent the past month shopping for Christmas Gifts for home (Scotland).
Finished last week, pressies wrapped, boxed, addressed, customs labels filled out...whew.
Off to the Post Office to get them all away Surface Mail.
(I've done it this way for a few years as it saves $$$ on postage)
Me - Hello, I'd like to send these to Scotland, surface mail please.
Wee Asian USPS Guy - No surface mail.
Me - Am I too late?
Wee Asian USPS Guy - Surface Mail finished
Me - Finished, but it's only mid November
Wee Asian USPS Guy - Finished in May this year.
Me- May? (WTF are they rowing them across the pond)
Wee Asian USPS Guy - Yes no more boats only planes.
Me - No boats ...ever?
Wee Asian USPS Guy - Boats all gone, only air mail.

I only mailed two of my boxes, $ 42.30 for one $ 40.65 for the other.
The contents probably cost less.
My mum will think Christmas has come early...it has!
She's bad enough when presents arrive a couple of days before the 25th, can't keep her hands off them. This year there's not a hope in hell that they'll sit unopened under the tree. I adore her, big kid that she is!

I signed an on-line petition asking for the reinstatement of surface mail. 1000's of signatures on it from people like myself who only found out about the "no boats" when they went to mail stuff abroad.

I am also composing...

USPS Eejits,
WTF? I hope your happy that I can no longer afford to send stuff to my mum.
What the hell did my family ever do to you?
I mean I know my mum can be a tad yappy and my sister has her problems and my nieces tend to eat (a lot) and my aunts/uncles have their foibles and my friends are all a bit wacked ( they are my friends, what do you expect?) but to scupper a whole fleet???
Yours
A very angry boat misser.


OMG OMG OMG THAT'S what the shipbuilding
lecture was for...God has spoken to me through WC#3

I must build my own boats.
I must build my own boats to carry Christmas presents to the UK.

I'll get right onto it.

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - The Smiths

The new pink cell phone and I have not been hitting it off.
It's far to complex for my simple needs.
It is very needy and goes out of it's way to try and get one over on me every day.
The blue tooth is no better. Sometimes it talks to me, most often not.
Which leaves me, driving along with a stupid friggin pink thing sticking out of my lug and my phone ringing in my purse!
I'm thinking this might be a more sensible alternative!

I told the sex bomb that the new phone and I are not in a good place.
I explained that it takes me ages to make a call.
SB- WTF?
Me - Well the buttons are different from my old phone.
SB - Buttons?
Me - Yes I don't have a wee green phone up and a wee red phone down.
SB - OOOOkkkkkaaaayyy
Me - ?
SB - show me how you make a call
Five minutes later...
SB- you really go through all of those menus?
Me- Well Duh!
SB - Hmmm, so, what do you think the red and green buttons on this phone are for?
Me- dunno
SB- Hmmm did it occur to you that they might do the same thing?
Me- Nope
SB- Hmmm because?
Me- They don't have a picture on them, how the hell would I know what they do?
SB- Hmmmmmmmmm
Meanwhile the kids are cracking up.
Me- What is wrong with this family?
SB- It's ok darlin, we need to practice call techniques a bit more, your phone doesn't hate you.
Me- Whatever you think...

whisky for my men and beer for my horses- (other way around kinda) Willie Nelson version

Sunday Night Work Update
Horses were horrible today, with the exception of wee Talisker who was a sweetie.
Did I mention that our horses are all named (re-named) after Malt Whisky?
Friggin Spellcheck wants an "e" in the Whisky...not happening The Abbot and I are agreed on this!
I have a nice wee Talisker,


A Fiesty Dalwhinnie (Whinnie for short)


a "Chicken Licken" Jura,


a good Old Pulteney



( good, but does spook when he farts, just an FIY)

and last but by no means least a Knockando...literally No Can Do!



Of course my younger students and kids know them by either variations or "other" names.
Professional and all that!
Today the three lesson horses lived up to their names.
Whinnie decided after three circuits loping that she was done..."gonna buck you off my bad ass if you expect me to do more"
Jura had a few "Prozac" moments when she realised Whinnie was getting down with her bad self "Oh no, Oh no OH Feckin NOoooooooooooooo"
Knockandoo was in Siamese twin mode, "MaaaaaaaaaMaaaaaaaaa,...go right? No I want mama! Go left, NO, I just want mama"
I have a plan.
I have to work their wee bottoms into the ground this week.
I have a realisation.
Parelli trained horses do NOT make good lesson horses!
I know, when you give horses a voice (through natural horsemanship) you HAVE to listen.
As an advocate of Natural Horsemanship it's impossible to break the ties that bind.
As a riding instructor it's a pain in the ass...
I love my horses, I love my job, a wage would be a novelty.

True, Spandau Ballet

Ha! Just when you thought you had got rid of me for the day here I am twaddling on about more shyte...
I've been pondering the friendliness of the thingy that makes you :
1. Put on you glasses to see the feckin letters you have to copy to comment.
2. Gets bigger and easier if you get it wrong

It tells me "This test is used to prevent automated robots from posting comments."


I think anything that gets bigger and easier to handle the more inadequate you are is one feckin BIG deal! No matter how small...

So thank you geek/nerd who was thinking about the more challenged of us when you invented this anti-automated-robot safeware.
It is appreciated.

Also works for drunks.

The Cutter, Echo and The Bunnymen

For your entertainment I have decided to try and master my cut and paste skills.

Since I appreciate from the bottom of my heart, those of you who come here, of your own free will (as well as those who fall in here unexpectedly trying to get somewhere else and of those, only the ones who take the time to read anything) I am calling in my list of expert funny men to ensure you stay awake during what may be a long process.
I intend to be completely honest by giving exact time frames.
---takes a deep breath, sits up tall, right index finger warmed up ---
11.47 a.m. GO

11.49 Eddie Izzard for your pleasure:- Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They
should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the
fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."

11.50 Eddie: We stole countries! That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard!"

11.52 Eddie again...But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!”
"Well, if you put it that way, I think you've got a point. Have another biscuit,sorry."

11.55 Ricky Gevaise (David Brent) : “What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It’s the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went ‘Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?’. Didn’t happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish!”

12.00 Ali G : One time when me was high, me sold me car for like 24 chicken McNuggets.

12.05 Borat: Democracy is different in America. For example: women can vote but horse can not!

12.07 Robin Williams : “Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.

12.08 Robin: Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

Ok now for some pics.

12.08 Thank you Eddie

12.10 Thank you Ricky

12.12 Thank you Ali G

12.14 Thank you Borat

12.15 Thank you Robin


12.20 That's all folks. Mission accomplished. Thank you for your patience and have a Happy Saturday.

Sarcastic Farewell by Bleed The Dream

Sarcasm, the best thing Scotland has to offer.

I'm on my high horse today,again,regarding the non-existence of sarcasm here in California.
California specifically because our friends from other states do not suffer from this condition.

SB and I had a long chat about it this morning and agreed wholeheartedly that we find ourselves in annoying situations because we cannot resort to our natural instincts and just be feckin sarcastic because:-

1.We wouldn't bluddy dare do it here for fear of committing a mortal sin.
2.We wouldn't bother here because the effort would be wasted...WHOOOOSH over the head.

Scenario dependent upon recipient.

Back in Scotland sarcasm is regarded as wonderful tool which allows you to talk back but not cause offense.
It's referred to as " half jokin, fu' earnest"
Example,
This a.m., SB sits down with a cup of coffee.
Me - Where's mine?
SB - In the pot.
Now that's funny!
We made a decision.
To stop being all touchy, feely and get back down with our bad selves.
If anyone on the receiving end is offended, tough.


For those, who shall remain oblivious, YES we're laughing at YOU!



I am really looking forward to being normal again!

Cuts Like a Knife by Brian Adams

Those of you who know me, know that I am "The Best Shopper" ever.
Those of you who don't know me should!
My girlfriends hate me for it and the sex bomb is the envy of their husbands/boyfriends.
Nothing tickles me as much as this:-

Girlfriend- Oh I LOVE your dress, it's so cute, where did you get it?
Me - Thrift Store $2.50

I get all warm and fuzzy inside. I am empowered by Thrift Stores, Dollar Tree, Grocery Outlet and Ross.
Debra Jackson agrees with me.

Those days dear reader may have come to an end.
It's just too much humility.
Too much shame.
I can no longer pretend that it's okay and no-one else notices.
If it were Macys, Nordstrom, JC Penny I might be able to suffer in silence.
If it were Armani, Gucci, Prada I would suck it up totally.

But to be asked, on three separate occasions in three different stores if I "qualify" for SENIOR FECKIN DISCOUNT is unbearable.

Have you seen the tellers in Ross? In Goodwill? In The Dollar Tree?
If they have a tooth between them they're smokin...
Not to mention uni brows, uni boobs and every other uni imaginable.
I have suffered their bad breath and armpit aromas without comment.
Stood patiently as they take 10 minutes to put two items in a plastic bag. They have real issues with plastic bags but do you hear me complain?
Waited without shuffling my feet and sighing as they send for a price check.
I've shown nothing but kindness and this is the result...

What to do?
I looked long and hard in the mirror.
No clue who the old bitch looking back was.

My reckoning. It's going to cost $1000's to take me back to my 30's. Surgery,pain,downtime.
Is it worth it?
Hell NO!
Just think of how much shopping I can do for a mere $20.
Ball cap, shades and some lippy TaDa! A total makeover.
Or there's always old faithful?

God Only Knows by the Beach Boys

A US court has rejected a case brought against God by an American politician. Ernie Chambers, the longest-serving senator in the state of Nebraska, tried to use the courts to stop God from harming people. Mr. Chambers, 71, filed a lawsuit that ordered God to stop causing "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants". He listed examples of the terrible things God allows to happen on Earth, including "fearsome floods, horrendous hurricanes, earthquakes, plagues, famine, genocidal wars, birth defects, terrifying tornadoes and the like". Chambers said the “defendant”, God, has not apologized for any of the troubles brought to Earth, saying the Almighty has shown “neither compassion nor remorse”.

The court judge threw Mr. Chambers’ case out on a technicality. Nebraska state law requires all defendants in court cases to have an address. This is so state officials can deliver papers requesting the defendant attends court. Mr. Chambers disputed this. He said the court acknowledged the existence of God and because of this, it knew God was everywhere so there was no need for a street address. He added that: "Since God knows everything, God has notice of this lawsuit." Mr. Chambers’ real reason for his actions is not because he has any grudge against God. He said he simply wants to show that law courts are open and available to anyone. He said: "Anyone can sue anyone they choose, even God." The senator has 30 days to decide whether to appeal against the ruling.

God Only Computes...

Only in America...